A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm asking about how much openness there should be in a marriage. Not just a relationship, but a marriage. I think that once you make that step to commit to be together for the rest of your lives, things change.My wife and I are very open with each other. I know almost everything about her, and she about me. I mean I don't need to know when she goes to the bathroom, or if she sees some guy she thinks is very good looking or a hot body (as long as nothing is done about it). Nor does my wife need to know if a waitress flirts a little with me. My wife and I both know each others phone codes, each others emails and passwords, and we both regularly look at our emails or phones together, not to check up on each other, but just because we're so open with each other, and there are no secrets.Now to the question. Good friends of ours, the guy was my friend for about 2 years, the girl was my wife's friend for about 6 years or so, and we're all friends now. Well, they got married last summer. Very recently, the girl (woman), approached my wife and I and is very upset. Seems that her and her new husband (who is my friend) are having a lot of fights. He won't tell her his code to his phone, and ignores a lot of calls and texts when she's around. He insists on knowing her phone code, and her email password, but won't tell her his saying there are ''sensitive work related things in his email''. My wife and I both think this is bullshit, something is already going on even though they're only married a little over 6 months. My wife and I would never ever consider not sharing all our stuff, if it's out in the open, then nothing wrong is going on. I hate to assume the worst, but if my friend won't share his email and phone info, I think we have to assume the worst. He could be just a real private guy, and he kind of is. But, once you get married, everything is joint and should be shared. My wife and her girlfriend want me to 'confront' my friend about this. I'm afraid that if he's innocent, I'll lose a friend because of false accusations, but I DO think he is wrong for being secretive. If I confront him and he is up to wrong, I'll lose my friendship because I can't be friends with a man who would sneak around on his wife.I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. But at the same time, I guess If I don't get involved and talk to my friend, their marriage is never going to work.What do you think? Shouldn't all married couples share 'almost' everything? That's the way my wife and I work, and we have a fantastic relationship. I guess not everyone would feel the same way, but I'm sorry, I can't agree with this guy friend being so secretive with his wife. I keep thinking the worst, and I know his wife is also thinking the worst, and it's destroying them.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Look, when in situations like these I always ask myself first of all who my loyalty lies with. In your shoes your loyalty lies first and foremost to your wife, your friend second. Your wifes friend on a third place. This means your wifes friend's request come below your interest to keep your friendship.
In other words: you don't meddle. Tell your wife and the friend that what you and your wife have is lovely because that is the sort of marriage you wanted with each other. But not all people view relationship or marriage the same. Some do feel that yes, there should be 100% openess and honesty. I'm one of those. However, there are those who don't feel that way. There are those who fight very hard to remain an individual with private areas even while married. It sounds like this guy is just one of those who prefer his privacy, despite being married.
The wife should have seen this coming when talking to him about marriage before they married, and also through their relationship prior to marriage. I don't think it works the way that once you are married POOF the private guy becomes open with you about everything. Opening up is a process, and either you are interested in opening up or you aren't.
Tell her to reclaim her passwords for things, because as long as he keeps his privacy then she needs to keep hers. It's a two way street, and if she just gives and gives it'll drain her eventually and they'll divorce. She needs to hold back just as much as he is, and then perhaps seek marriage counseling.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (13 January 2012):
There are no rules here, people work out their own level of information sharing. Your friend sounds a bit paranoid or at least insecure. Maybe he has reason to be as you dont know about their relationship. In my marriage there are few secrets as far as I know but as the lines of a great song go "I thought I knew everything there was to know about her. ....". What makes relationships strong is trust, even if its blind!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): I believe that everyone is entitled to some privacy. Personally it seems to me that if you And your wife feel that you have to have access to each other's email, etc. that you don't really trust each other. But that's really none of my business.Having said that, though -- sharing passwords is either all or nothing. I.e., either both parties know each other's passwords, or both parties have privacy. Your friend is controlling if he insists on being able to snoop on his wife's business but is secretive himself.Agreed that his secretiveness is a red flag. As others have said, though, that is between him and his wife. The most that you And your wife can do is to reassure his wife that you support her. Best wishes with this -- it's not easy being put in this position.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): You should not confront him about this, it's none of your business, your friend and his wife need to sort it out between them. I used to work in a bank, and couldn't share my email password with anyone because I would get some work emails and due to provcy laws I couldn't let anyone have access to them, not even my husband. Now his excuse could be bullshit, but it could also be true depending on his work (I don't know what he does so I can't say either way). Your friend and his wife have to sort it out themsleves, don't get involved because if you do, your the one who will lose in the end.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 January 2012):
 I don't think it's necessary to share passwords to things, but being open about everything is important. If I felt weird like something might be in my partner's email, he's always logged in on his phone or computer so I suppose I could check if I felt the need and he knows this (same for me), but generally he'd also just show me if I asked.
It sounds pretty clear he's having an affair or something similar; avoiding taking calls or answering texts in front of her, refusing to let her have a glimpse into his email if she asks (sensitive work stuff my foot. Does he work for the FBI?) and equally importantly, demanding access to her phone and email. The last one is because cheaters often themselves become hyper paranoid of their partners cheating on them.
I don't think you should "confront" your friend. It's not your place and it's unfair for her to put you in such an awkward place. But I don't see the harm in taking him out for a beer or two and just asking if everything is OK with his marriage. You can press a little, but don't confront. If he doesn't reveal anything (he probably wouldn't) you should instruct your wife's friend to confront him herself or figure it out herself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 January 2012):
 I think it's up to each individual couple. Some people have sensitive jobs and their spouses can't have access to phones and emails and computers.
Your friend's actions do sound suspicious but when did you become their relationship cop? Why are you the one who has to fix it? If she can't muster the courage to confront him directly, time to bring in a professional mediator, like a marriage counselor.
Or if she's that suspicious, hire a private investigator and have him followed. That should establish whether or not he's up to something.
If you want to take on the role of mediator/cop/PI, that's up to you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 January 2012):
 oh and yes sadly it's NOT your business so do not confront him..... just know that they do not operate like you and your wife
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 January 2012):
It's Bullshit. We don't password protect our phones
we share everything we are not married yet but we live together as husband and wife fully (including combined funds etc)
If he wants her info then she gets his. plain and simple it goes both ways.
My work email is sensitive (I have government clearance) and that is kept AT WORK not on my personal phone.
I sense big huge red flags here if he does not answer his phone when he's with her and he's keeping secrets.
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A
male
reader, childof1981 +, writes (12 January 2012):
 Do not confront your friend about this, it is not your place. Right now there is a dispute between two married people and you need to let them resolve it. That said it's not wrong for your friend to want privacy. However his right to that ends when he demands that his wife gives him full access and does not return the courtesy. Also, I believe that if his wife has a concern he has an obligation to give her relief. And show her what she needs to see. Your friend is in the wrong about this trust issue (and potentially worse if he is actually hiding anything).
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (12 January 2012):
 Personally I don't care about my parter's passwords, codes or who is on his phone or anything else of that nature. I have other reasons to trust him and he me. Because of his history of snooping (yet finding nothing) and my daughter's adolescent curiosity and borrowing things without permission I have become more guarded about my personal space. I'm not up to anything offside. I just want a small piece of the universe to call my own. Not much to ask given how enthusiastically they guard their own space. So not sharing passwords to me is not a big deal. I can fully appreciate the desire for some independence within a relationship. However the husband in this scenario should arrange that in such a way that does not arouse suspicion. And he ought to grant his wife what he wants for himself. I think the issue for your woman friend is not simply lack of trust, but lack of power and control as well. Her husband wants her to do things his way but gives her some convoluted, technical (in other words bullshit) reason why she can't have the same. If she had simply given him the same answer he gave her then walked away I doubt she'd be feeling this put out. He would have worked harder to earn her trust in hopes of securing hers. At this point I'm not sure that you should say anything. As you mentioned, you have no proof, nor does she for that matter. What steps has she taken thus far? What do you/they expect to come from such a confrontation? She has to take the bull by the horns, gather information and barter herself a better deal instead of trying to get her friends to do it for her.
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