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She's had more sexual experience than I have. Will I regret it later?

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 September 2018) 12 Answers - (Newest, 6 September 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, *istershred writes:

I'm a 25 year old guy, my girlfriend is 33. We've been on/off for a year and have quite a strong bond (we broke up once, recently rekindled it, now its getting serious again. No other partners in the inbetween)

I have a real problem with our experience gap. Her number she estimates to be in the 70's, while mine is barely 10.

She has been totally honest about her past, which includes inviting men round to the house when she was a teen, being with multiple men at once, being a married guy's bit on the side, and plenty of one night stands/casual sex.

Mine on the other hand, is pretty much all relationships, no casual. Nothing really screwed up other than long distance relationships. Not many tales to tell basically.

I don't judge her for who she was, but my mind sure does love replaying the images of it all on a daily basis. It drives me insane.

Part of me wishes she hadn't done those things, part of me wishes I had done some of them. I'm not sure which feeling is bigger. I'm jealous of "those" guys yaknow?

I don't feel experienced enough to be settling down at all, I don't feel like I have enough tales to tell. Is that a normal guy thing? Is the number EVER high enough? I honestly feel if it was more like 20-25 I'd feel quite a bit more secure, especially if they'd involved 'pulling' and one night stands etc.

She tells me I'm the best she's ever had, which I struggle to believe, but I don't think she'd lie about it after being so honest about everything else.

I feel like I've got two choices, each with a risk:

1: I could end things, and try and get my number up if it means so much to me. I risk losing a great girlfriend, as well as coming to my own conclusion that the number doesn't matter, but then it's too late.

2: I could push these feelings aside and focus on us and now, but that risks me having a mid life crisis in the future where I'm like "I'm 30 now and have no tales to tell, you had your fun." and resenting her for it/ending things anyway.

I am so annoyed at the whole situation, and do not know what to do. I've tried talking to her about it, but all it does is upset her, so I act like it's no longer an issue right now.

I'd appreciate any advice, or stories you may have that are similar, from the male and female perspective.

View related questions: broke up, her past, jealous, long distance, one night stand

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (6 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI don't understand why you would feel the need to want to pull random women but hey that is obviously what you want to do at the moment. Which obviously means you are not in the right head space to commit to this woman. A midlife crisis at 30?? That is hardly mid life. If you want to be single go ahead and do that and end things, because it is clear you are driving yourself crazy. Maybe once you are single for a while and you realize the grass isn't greener on the other side you will feel more settled.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2018):

This relationship isn't going to last if you've already broken up after just one year.. I don't think the age difference is working out for the two of you.

Personally I'd break this off now while it isn't too serious as you're clearly riddled with anxiety about her past and that isn't healthy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2018):

You don't need anyone's advice on here, read back on your own words, you know what you want to do and you know you are not committed to your girlfriend.

Sow your oats if you think that is what you want to do, good luck with gaining the reputation that will go with it.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (5 September 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, sex tales are worthless, even if they're just to make you feel better (delve into why that is). Hopefully, you'll be a great, well-rounded middle-aged man, not someone who is superficial enough to find the value in having been able to "pull" lots of women when you were younger. It's silly and a waste of time.

Most men, once they've matured, actually don't care whether they have sex stories or not. Those who still feel re-energised by their former sex lives are often not that successful with long-term relationships.

Look, you and this lady won't last and you're not ready to settle down. I'm sorry, but it's blatantly clear for all of us. You have too many immaturity issues that you need to sort out before committing to one person.

You want responses from people with big experience gaps, but you don't *need* them. You *need* to understand the dose of reality we're all giving. You are not ready - not due to inexperience (10 people isn't inexperienced!), but due to your irrational thought process surrounding that. Seek some therapy to figure out why you put so much value on sex stories you'll never share or be able to do anything useful with, then hopefully you'll figure out the best way forward. Either way, there's a reason none of us think you and this lady have a future together, but it has absolutely nothing to do with a sexual experience gap.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (4 September 2018):

N91 agony auntThis relationship isn’t going to last for a few reasons imo.

You’ve already broken up in the past, showing there is a HUGE compatibility issue. If something happens for the situation to end it’s a surefire sign that you’re not meant to be. How is she a ‘great girlfriend’ if something happened for things to end? You describe the relationship as on/off, again showing that there are continuous issues that keep arising to halt the progression.

You’ve got retroactive jealousy. An awful thing to have in a relationship where one of the partners can’t get something out of their head which slowly eats away at them until they can’t take it anymore. Why bother putting yourself through it? Worrying about how many people you’ve slept with is childish, seriously who gives a fuck? What does it mean or change? It’s their past and it’s already happened so why dwell on it? Although I’d say it’s too late for you and you won’t get it out of your head without therapy at this point.

Leave her in the past where exes belong.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2018):

I disagree that given the amount of sexual partners she has had means she wont settle down and be faithful as I was a tad naughty when I was younger.

I do think you have delved into each others past and there was no reason to because now you have a touch of retrospective jealousy and are doubting yourself. I don't think it is about thinking you should have more sexual partners because you want more lovers, you just doubt that you are enough for her.

If you honestly love each other her past is irrelevant. I could not care less about who I have slept with, bar one man before my current partner, they meant nothing and I don't even recall them in a sexual sense. Love and sex are very different things, in my opinion. You can work on being the best for you and for her by being committed, by being loving and being honest with each other in terms of your own intimacy, get to know her likes and dislikes, take time to please her and learn new things together because trust me sex in the rawest sense does not take those things into account, only genuine love and a desire to be together does that.

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A male reader, Mistershred United Kingdom +, writes (4 September 2018):

Mistershred is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Since the kids thing has been mentioned more than once, I feel I should add some things:

- We got pregnant last year, after some deciding we went with a termination, so in her head that's it kids wise, she now has the coil fitted and does not want to take it out. To be honest I'm the one who has since regretted in some ways, but not every way.

- Questing for love, I had a relationship like that, both were virgins and gave it to eachother...It didn't work out. But thank you, I'm really hoping to hear from people in other relationships that also have a big experience gap.

- I have definitely learned to never discuss each others pasts, but as you guys say, its too late for this one.

- I want tales, to be able to know I have them. If that makes sense...I want to know deep down that I was capable of 'pulling' women in my younger days, and settled when I was ready, not because of any 'need' to not be alone. I'm not one for kissing and telling or bragging. This is about how I feel inside.

Anyways, please keep the answers coming guys, I appreciate any response. I'm round her place tomorrow and I want to do the right thing here. I'll keep checking back periodically. Thank you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhy isn't 10 enough?

You really think the more women you have sex with the more of a man you are? Or the better a lover?

Because neither are true.

The more people you have sex with... the higher the probability of STD's and unwanted pregnancies.

You say you need more sexual partner so you have stories? For who? Your kids, grand-kids? Other men? Who do you think you would actually impress with that shit?

I think from the little you have written about the two of you that this relationship won't last. You are at two different stages in life and YOU are still... pretty immature. She is 33... so HOW long until she decides kids might be something she wants?

If you feel like you still have a lot to experience and you can't do that with a partner, then end it NOW.

ACTING like it doesn't affect you is just down right stupid. Because it DOES affect you. And it's not her fault you feel insecure about this.

And the fact that you two have been on/off also goes to the not a great match. Because it SHOWS you two couldn't REALLY make it work.

Lastly, be honest with yourself. And her.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States + , writes (4 September 2018):

singinbluebird agony auntBreak it off. The fact that you second doubt this relationship means it will never work. Either youre all in or not. Her past is not even a concern, I think youre not a fit. If you truly love someone, their pasts becomes absolutely unimportant so shes not the one for you. If you were into her, nothing would hace mattered not even her past. Break it off and move on

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2018):

I don't thing your relationship with this lady is for ever. Why? Because obviously she doesn't settle with a guy for long, thus the high number of partners she has had. Yes 70 is damn high for any average lady. Secondly the big age gap. My advice is stop worrying and enjoy it while it lasts but prepare yourself for a big heart ache when she decides it is time to fly away.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2018):

Barely 10? 10 is quite a lot at your age. It’s not a problem, but it’s not a competition. What’s the point? “Ooh, I put my penis inside lots of vaginas”? So what? Who are these stories for? Your friends? That’s not respectful when in a relationship.

You want more experience, so go get it and don’t settle down yet. She’s old enough to want a family soon, if she wants children, but you still have the mindset of a child - being jealous and greedy, wanting something for irrational “reasons” and being obsessed about something that is ultimately meaningless.

Being a married person’s bit on the side isn’t something to be proud of. Hooking up isn’t necessary and it’s not something you gain anything from, except possibly STDs and a child support notification.

Your relationship is already over because you were too free with sexual history. It’s not important to know numbers or details. If you didn’t know, you wouldn’t feel your number is too low compared to hers. Learn from that mistake and don’t discuss it in future relationships.

End it with this lady so she can find someone closer to her age who is ready to settle down. As for you, stop getting in relationships if you want to hook up with some people. You’ll probably find it lonely and not as good as you imagined, but hindsight is 20/20.

OP, you’re 25 and jealous of a number of hook ups someone has had. Jealous of how many times you can tell someone you’ve put your penis in different vaginas. That’s literally it. Who can you tell? Think about it. You’re not ready for a serious relationship. Let her go and learn from this.

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A female reader, Questing for Love United States +, writes (3 September 2018):

Questing for Love agony auntI guess ask yourself these questions:

"Why do I need stories to tell?"

"Who am I going to tell my stories to?"

Yea, sometimes people gossip and brag about what they do in bed, but in the end do people really want to hear about that? Who's benefiting from your stories? So you get to tell about some epic sex you had, ok, then what? People say "wow" then move on with their lives. And you're suddenly alone again.

Why is having a imaginary number in your head better than having an actual living, breathing companion that brings you happiness, love, and fulfillment? Someone who cares for you and wants to share their life with you.

A high number isn't going to keep you warm at night.

Yea, you'll feel superior for a short time period, but eventually you'll wish you hadn't given up having that someone to give your love to.

I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 29. We were both virgins when we got together, and yet neither of us feels we need to gain more experience because we make each other happy. Yea our numbers are each 1, but guess what? We each have someone to have fun with, someone to share stories with, someone to lay in bed at night with, someone to help us through our problems and celebrate with us when we achieve something great. We each have someone to EXPERIENCE LIFE WITH.

I'd make a pros and cons list of what a number will provide you and what a loving, LIVING person can provide you.

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