A
female
age
51-59,
*WISH1969
writes:I need help bad! Please help! Im in love with a woman but Im jealous of her. Shes gorgeous. Shes everything I want to be and pretend to be but aint. She's smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, classy, generous, shapely, blue eyes, professionally established, financially secure, well rounded. I hate going anywhere with her because she gets attention and compliments everywhere we go. Shes gorgeous and her personality is magnetic. It makes me so mad and even though I should hold it against her I do so I subtly mess with her emotions to make her feel bad. I try to make things better so I dont feel like a shadow like I wear green and blue contacts, fine tune my makeup, keep my hair permed and cut. I wish my skin was like hers. She tans so pretty. She has it all. She tells me how pretty I am. She bends over backwards for me. why am I jealous? I am pushing the best thing that ever happened to me away. I love her but I hate her for being the woman I'll never be. I need help. Please help me. I have issues.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2012):
 Wait wait wait… you are NOT in a relationship so how do you two know you want to get married? That alone makes no sense.
You are not in a relationship how do you know you are in love?? To be honest I don’t think you love her at all. You don’t love yourself so you are not able to love others yet. Trying to make someone feel bad about themselves is not the actions of someone in love… they are the actions of a mean, angry, vengeful person.
IF she is healthy and whole she will never wish she was you. Healthy happy people do not wish they were someone else. They accept who they are and love themselves where they are and as they are.
You are not her police. You cannot keep her in check.
YOU LIE TO HER. That’s not love.
You say your kids are losers and you are gutter garbage. WHAT YOU NEED is therapy. YOU NEED to work on your self-esteem.
You need to learn to love yourself before you can have a relationship with anyone.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (28 December 2012):
 Like I said...You are in a dangerous situation, the situation is unhealthy, based on lies and deception and your issues with control and low self esteem are instrumental in creating this fantasy you are both living in.
Seriously you need professional help to unravel your impulses because no real loving relationship could ever grow out of such a mess.
You are acting out of fear of loss and as we have seen many times over, this can lead to extremely destructive and devastating events.
The fact that you are holding her at bay shows you have some compassion (yes compassion) but do not let your fears overtake you.
Talk to a counsellor, explain why you feel so beholden to this woman and yet so jealous and controlling. Try to reduce your fear and find something about yourself that will give you courage to face the truth of the situation.
If this woman loves you (as you say) then she may be prepared to listen to the truth and find in it the chance to know you better and accept that you are vulnerable and you want to try to heal things.
It is not a crime to be imperfect, or not look perfect or not have sucessful events in your life. It is often peoples imperfections which make them human and attractive to others...because life is hard and we all know that.
You will lose her if you continue to decieve her, for I am sure she is not a fool. Love can blind people but in the end the truth will out.
You know what has to be done to mend things...yes it's a risk, but carrying on as you are is a guaranteed way to lose everything and change her perception of you forever.
Be brave, be open but most of all be HONEST...because there is no alternative in your dilemma.
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A
female
reader, IWISH1969 +, writes (28 December 2012):
IWISH1969 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yes we are both lesbians and we are not in a relatiomship.She wants to marry me and I want to marry her. I am in love with her and shes in love with me. She would do anything for me. I am the one holding us up because I feel like if I keep her out at bay it will break her ego down so she will see me as better than her and she will appreciate me and wish she was me. I want to keep her in check so she doesnt ever let it go to her head that she gets more attention than me. I cant stop making her feel unattractive because Im so mad she is better than me physically, mentally and socially. Shes a breath of fresh air and Im low life gutter garbage. My children are losers andd her daughter is successful. That annoys me also.I have to pretend to her my kids are honor roll students. Im lying so much to her.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 December 2012):
You don't make it clear if you are in a relationship with this woman or just her friend?
You also don't make it clear if you are both lesbian?
All that aside, your jealousy is dangerous and you have already began to mess with this lady's emotions which really isn't fair on her, but you seem to get some kind of sadistic pleasure from it.
The best thing to do would be to distance yourself from her for a while, but first explain to her exactly how you feel and that your jealousy is out of control.
None of us can be perfect or exactly like anyone else, we are all unique with strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps you need time to discover your strengths and this may give you the perfect opportunity to show that you are really unhappy obsessing and manipulating another decent human being and that you would rather be a decent human being yourself.
Remove the object of your problems for a while and take yourself in hand...it's the only way you can save the friendship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): Jealousy is just love and hate at the same timeyou love her because she is your loverand hate her because she is everything you wish to be.
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