A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles, I need some advice on should I say what I think or... be polite and lie.I have 2 cousins who are like sisters to me. One of them is having problems with her papers. She's been living in a foreign country for the past 7 years and since her contract is expiring and there's no new work in sight she will have to leave in less than 2 months. She's 34 and has been in a relationship for the past 6 years with a local guy 9 years her senior. She sent an email this morning to her sister, her parents her best friend and me asking what we thought of her situation, but basically begging for us to tell her what she wants to hear. I need some time to think and in the meantime, I saw replies she got from the rest of us. My problem is that I don't agree with any of them because they all did what she had asked me to - told her she was right.She wrote about how stressed she was since she couldn't find work quickly and stay in the same town where her bf lives. She didn't want to find work in another town and move away from her bf (btw they do not live together because he doesn't want to) even though she would avoid coming back here which she would hate. She needed to buy some time to find a new job and asked her bf what he thought about getting married (btw she has been dying move in with him and marry him for ages...). He told her that they "are not in that stage of the relationship yet".First of all I do not want to write an email everyone can read. I mean, if I can't see her and talk to her, I'd much rather call her and tell her honestly what I think. But nobody did that. They all told her to "hang in there" and that her bf will eventually come round if she was patient and waited...I know that she is stressed and I do not want to add to that stress by disagreeing, but she's running out of time and I think that she should focus on solving the problem with work and papers and not wait for something that may never happen. I knew that her bf always thought he was a prize and never lifted so much as his little finger for her, but I never said anything. I never commented on the fact that he never wanted to pick her up at the airport or properly meet her family. I even kept mum (and regretted) when she took him back after he had dumped her (TWICE) but this is serious, her future is on the line and she's putting it in the hands of a man who obviously doesn't care about her. Again, even though I think he's no good, she has the right to be whichever way he likes... She's the one accepting all his *bs*. So... should I say what I think or just copy paste what I think to be, well-meaning, but empty words of support?
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 Don't ever lie when someone, especially someone you really love asks you for advice about a situation that you don't quite like.
She needs to hear the truth and she needs to hear your opinion. Whether she welcomes it or not is a whole other issue but you will rest assured knowing that you've done all that you could should she not listen.
Now is the time to be there for her when she needs you most.
Be honest.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 DO. NOT. LIE!
I repeat......DO NOT LIE!
She's asked for advice, so don't wuss out and throw some platitudes at her just because you're afraid of confrontation. You know what they say about the truth? It sets people free!
Let's lay out the facts here:
1. If they've been together for SIX YEARS, then he's full of shit for saying "Not in that stage of the relationship yet". He does not love her and he will never marry her.
2. She needs to return to her home country. Like WiseOwle said - the law is the law, and it's too late to change it.
3. Rushing to marry him even if it hasn't been 6 years just to stay in the country is the wrong reason to marry.
4. The boyfriend wants her gone. He is very determined to make sure she has no path with him, but he doesn't want to look like the bad guy by breaking up with her. Basically, he's running out the clock deliberately. She needs to accept that.
5. Don't you DARE feed into her desperation to be in denial. If you do, you're a shitty friend. Giving platitudes or even hedging by saying "I need to think" is an excuse, and not how good friends treat each other. You already know what you think. You can be kind to her, diplomatic to her, and tell her you don't want to hurt her, but there's no use in sugarcoating it.
6. I actually think it's a blessing in disguise, to be honest. He is a dirty old/middle-aged man, happy to use her in her situation but never really reciprocating. Domesticity and commitment are two different things. He's been PLAYING house for 6 years, and not actually building a household or a future with her. He's been using her for companionship, for sex, for a warm body, but he's not acting like a man who truly loves her. She needs to get away from him so that she can meet someone who treats her a lot better than this guy has.
7. In short, the guy is NO GOOD. And if you don't tell your friend the truth, then you are complicit in his treatment of her. That is ME telling YOU the truth, and it'll set you free to really be her friend.
Honeypie is right, though I would write her back and tell her everything so that you're not interrupted, and THEN follow it up with a phone call. That way the conversation doesn't get derailed, because if you call her cold turkey without answering her email first, her "denial" mechanism will kick in before you've had a chance to lay out the entire truth to her. She'll get defensive and deflect the conversation, which is why the others who answered gave bullshit answers.
Write the email. Give her the straight-up truth, and THEN follow it up with a phone call. Then you can talk to her AFTER you've said anything bypassing her denial-deflect defense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2017): Thank you all!
I agree with you 100%.
I'll talk to her tomorrow.
I just hope she'll listen and not get angry.
If I were in her shoes, I would want to hear what she had to say.
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A
female
reader, liveasyoudream  +, writes (21 September 2017):
I think you should be honest with her, in a personal message or call. You write that you've regretted staying mum before. It sounds like this might be a time you will regret it, too. I believe that it helps us to have people around us who can mirror us, shed new light, be honest with us, challenge us. When it comes from a good place, it is the stuff that makes us grow. The only thing is that it can be very hard to hear it in the moment, and she might not react well when you tell her. I think it's up to you to imagine that situation, and assess whether it'd be worth it to you. It might take time for her to really be able to hear you, maybe she never will, or she'll hear you right away. You don't know yet, you'll have to take the plunge. Could you frame it in a 'I know you'd prefer to stay there instead of be here, so please look for a job in another location'-kind of way if you don't want to get involved in the relationship stuff? Also, are you sure she'd hate coming back? I'm sad to hear about her relationship. She's at the point where she will have to leave the country and he won't even discuss marriage or living together, after 6 years.. From the sound of it, it's not a relationship I'd want for anyone.I hope she'll learn to love herself, and realize that she deserves to be in a better relationship. Your opinion is valuable. I recommend for you to share it, but in the end it's up to you. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2017): It's too late as far as her immigration dilemma goes. She must comply with immigration, or be deported.
No one is more stubborn than a woman in-love with the wrong man. It's easier to walk to the moon; than to get her to see the light. Don't waste your time on a foolish heart.
Call her and tell her exactly what you think. He isn't going to come around. Seven years and he won't even consider moving in together, hasn't gotten through her thick skull. He isn't going to change; and he only assumes she wants marriage to stay in his country. It is part of her reasoning whether either of you will admit it or not.
She will have no choice but to return to her home-country. So your advice will make little difference. It would actually be in her best interest to get away from him, find herself a job, and to start fresh and move on with her life.
Destiny sometimes has to pull us in the right direction for our lives. In spite of our bad choices and mistakes.
You can advise her to stop counting on him to change her fate. Make sure she follows the law; so she doesn't end-up in detention and facing deportation. That wouldn't look good on a job application; and she may never be able to leave the country legally again.
You cannot tell people how to feel. You can only give them an opinion and your best advice. In this case, I think the remedy is having to leave the country and being separated from him first. Then she can get on with her life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 September 2017):
 He should KNOW after 6 years if he wants to marry her or not - so him "not being sure" is pure bullshit. Most people do NOT wait that long to figure out of this is a long-term partner or not. UNLESS... they really don't WANT marriage. Same with living together.
I would CALL her and talk to her. And since you two are close I would tell her I had been thinking about her and what she has told and this is what you feel about it.
Being a GOOD friend means you CAN say stuff the other person doesn't want to hear. As long as you are respectful about it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 September 2017):
 Truthfully if she is like a sister then you should be honest with her, but do it in a personal message or phone call, not where everyone else can read it. If I was close enough to someone as a sister then I would be honest. Yes she might get upset but a true friend would be honest in this case. If he isn't at that stage after six years together then I doubt he ever will be at his age.
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