A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating for just over 3 years. For the past 9 months I have been finding bits about her being on dating sites again. I caught her out on one last year and her aggression after being unable to carry on denying it when I asked her, caused a break up for 2 months. During that time we were broke up she was on a dating site and put her photo up. She eventually came round and admitted she had been silly for what she did and she knows where she wants to be. I have been seeing chat rooms on her laptop which seems to focus on flirting. I have asked her if there is any problem, she tells me she is so happy, but yet I have seen with my own eyes that she is still on dating sites. I ask her and she gets defensive and aggressive. She is in her late thirties and I am in my early 40`s. We both have children to other partners. What do I do here?
View related questions:
a break, broke up, chat room, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): I have a different perspective.
When I found out my partner liked to look at other women naked or watch porn, I immediately felt the need to see if other men found me attractive or whether I had just 'lost' it. I put my pic up on a dating site to see if I got any attention. I wasn't interested in finding a new man.
I did it because I had lost my self esteem.
Why does your missus do it?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): What do you do here? That is easy. Just tell her you know what she`s doing and then tell her you are leaving, then leave. Get a different cell phone number or ignore her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): as i see it, all u can do is leave her. that way, at least you have a chance of findin some body who will love an respect u.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (17 October 2012):
 I need to continue from what I wrote earlier. I have sympathy for you, and why? because I went through the same cycle for years. I would catch him, he would deny it, blame me for his actions or lie. We would break up, he would find me and either apologize profusely or convince me I was seeing something that was not there. You are going to end up paranoid and doubting your own sanity, whilst she happily plods on with her internet dating. The only choice you have is to leave. Do not look for closure because you will probably not get any. If anything you will be left more confused. Now what really struck me was hearing he was with someone else now, and he is doing exactly the same thing. What does that say to you?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): you have been far too soft with her. some people want to meet someone who wont treat them horribly, then just cannot help but abuse them. her behaviour is emotionaly abusive, so do not sit around. stand up for yourself and tell her why you are leaving. if she comes back (which i think she will) then ignore her.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Hi
Ofcourse shes happy, you forgave her and she is still doing what split you up.In other words she has got you while she looks for somebody else.
Why else would somebody use Dating Sites?
...............................
A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (17 October 2012):
Overall, it is not looking good. Whether or not she is looking to cheat or has cheated physically is not known. Personally, I think it`s all fun for her, but if someone came along who she considers a better catch, then who knows? Whatever her real reasons are, do you really want to be with someone who fishes on the internet and lies about it?
...............................
A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (17 October 2012):
 You may be asking questions for the rest of your life on why she is doing what she is doing. Maybe she doesnt even know why herself. The best thing for you is to get out and stay out before she destroys your faith in all females. There are no children to each other, so at least you are not tied to her.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:
React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
Have excessive feelings of self-importance
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
Need constant attention and admiration
Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy
Have obsessive self-interest
Pursue mainly selfish goals
......
......oh yeah, might also look for admiration online.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): I would guess that maybe she wants the security of a relationship and the thrill of a secret life, that she does not want you to know about. She will feel like she has control. She is the one with a problem, not you. I would leave her forever if i was you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): She might believe she loves you and is happy with you. It does not take away her large amount of disrespect for you. You went back once and she will think you will go back again, no matter what. I also would not rule out that she may be meeting them. You either get out for good or accept the bull crap.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): What do you do here? You just kiss her and say goodbye. She is with you now but as she finds the one she is looking for, she will leave you! Do not waste your time. you don’t want to be a safety blanket, do you?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): Do not let this woman run rings around you. She knows exactly where she stands on that topic. I somehow think her behavior is in for the whole life of your relationship. In your situation I would walk out. Yes, it will hurt, it will be a bummer, but the longer you are with her, the worse it will get.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): dating sites seem like sure ways of being able to cheat but they are not cause they get caught. the probability is that if she ever got the chance to cheat on you, she would, it just happens that no one approaches her. do not get mixed up and think cause it is a dating site that its harmless. it is not.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 October 2012):
 Being on dating sites isn't harmless fun & flirting.. It's looking for other options. Greener grass if you like.
She already knew this was a no-no from a previous episode that resulted in a break up, obviously she doesn't think you will leave again. And for whatever reason she think her actions are "justified" because she actually doesn't go out and meet these people..
I guess it's up to you to decide if this is OK or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 October 2012):
 IF she has such low self-esteem that she has to have the online attentions of others and it bothers you and she knows it and continues to do it and lie about it... she's like my ex husband and no good can come of it.
It's one thing to be online and flirting... or flirting in real life when taken (as long as the flirter makes it clear it's "sport flirting" (heard that term on NCIS the other day and loved it... stealing it for myself) then I see no harm in FLIRTING.
DATING sites are NOT flirting...
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 October 2012):
 She has seen the problems from being on a dating site, how much it hurts you and your relationship, and she chooses to do it anyways. It is probably time to end it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (17 October 2012):
I have been in a situation very similar to yours. I see no other outcome than you eventually breaking up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): 3 years of "dating" is it exclusive OP? If so I'd walk. because she's not maintaining her part of the exclusivity deal and she knows that you have a major problem with the whole dating site thing anyway and yet she continues.
No offence OP but the "are you happy? is there a problem?" thing is kind of pointless isn't it? of course she's happy, she has a guy she's dating and is also able to keep her options open. I think that was the wrong question to be honest. The real question is why she is still on those sites and why she likes to flirt online with guys when she has you?
Op you caught her, she lied and denied it and you broke up over it. Well she's up to her old tricks again, obviously losing you once wasn't enough to make her stop, she honestly just doesn't care if she loses you again.
I don't see what else there is to this OP. There's nothing innocent about defensive and aggressive is there?
She's made her choice, what choice are you going to make?
...............................
|
