A
male
age
36-40,
*imman
writes:So i've been with my girlfriend for just over 3 years now but im not sure if i should stay with her or move on. We're both in our early 20's. She's the first real gf i've had and the only girl i've slept with. She really is a great person and i love her, but theres a few things that are making me have second thoughts about wanting to be with her. We often have little fights that usually start because she takes something the wrong way. I just try to apologise and forget it, but she will drag it out until we end up not talking to each other for a few hours. She misinterprets many things i say and takes offense and no amount of explanation will make her see it any other way after that. And in the 3 years i've been with her she has only really come onto me a few times. We have plenty of great sex, but i always have to initiate it, or ask for it, and its been declining over the last couple of years from atleast every other day to once a week at most. If i try and bring this up she gets very offended and tries to tell me that sex is all I care about, and while its not the most important thing to me, it is still a big part of a relationship for me, and i just dont feel fulfilled at all in this area. She hardly shows me any affection at all and it really bothers me as im the complete opposite.Now i am very attracted to her but one other thing thats really been getting to me lately is her chest -it's smaller than mine. There is practically nothing there. While at the start of our relationship i thought i would be ok with this, lately i find myself starting to go a little breast crazy and they're all i can think about, but I cant have them. I tend to stare at other girls a lot when we go out. I hate to seem shallow but its really starting to bug me.We both want to move out and get our own place, but i just cant make the move because i cant decide whether i want to be with her or not, and probably wont do anything about it unless something forces me to make a decision.Is this relationship going to be a dead end for me or am i being to picky and focusing on the wrong things? I feel like i cant be completely happy with her, even though i really wish things would just work out.Thanks for any input :)
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female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (20 October 2012):
 First off, let me state this: Dont take people for granted.
Sounds like you love her, but you dont seem sensitive enough to her. She sounds like a sensitive person and as you may guess: she may take offense to anything you say that might seem off colored. But it sounds like you guys love each other. Men often go into a relationship and when they get comfortable, they start to take their woman for granted. They want to wonder if they can do better or get a hotter chick and in your instance, you want someone with bigger boobs.
No one can make your decisions for you, but I bet the moment that she leaves you, you will want her back. People often take each other for granted and often times its too late to make it up to them.
If you want more sex and more affection, YOU have to communicate this to her. Tell her how much it means to you and how you would love it if she touched you more. Girls are shy, we do not like to always initiate sex so I can understand why she wants you to initiate most of the time. I bet if she always initiated, it would turn you off. Guys are hypocrites and youre no exception.
Look, if you love her and truly want her, I dont see how you would want to leave her. But from your post, it sounds like big boobs and sex is actually all you want. I suggest you leave her or else you do decide to cheat, in which I say, karma will get you. So have integrity and leave her before you make a mistake. UNLESS, you suddenly realize you love her and not just the sex.
Its your call.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 October 2012):
 Communication is a problem here. Even fighting is an attempt to reach out about unmet needs. When you think about children, when they act up, throw tantrums, they are trying to tell us something but don't know what that is. She is not conscious of what her needs are, and what she wants you to do. I am guessing for her to want sex she needs to be emotionally connected. Neither of you know what it means to be emotionally connected. Saying sorry and dropping the subject did not bring resolution. Every time she is dragging it on she is expressing frustration of not knowing how to fix her issues. I am not sure how you can just man up but I feel this is something that would be resolved in time, with maturity.
When I "misunderstand" my mate, it is deep seated insecurity and fear of judgment. This is something she has to work on her own. I do not have a flat chest, but I felt misunderstood all my childhood and as a result it was hard to let anyone into my life. I have no doubt she is a good person but when you love you don't just love them for their good times, you support them when they are down you hope to see them transform into confident people who love themselves. I see that you have tried and tried for 3 years so if you believe this can never be resolved then you should leave. How long you can wait is up to you, I do understand the pain of a sexless marriage and you don't want that. No one wants a partner who has to be taught how to be emotionally and sexually fit in a relationship.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (20 October 2012):
 Simman,
Your question reads like a psychoanalysts dream. I see some serious problems in your relationship. The biggest is that you are not fulfilling each others needs. I'm not sure what her needs are But I have a guess. Your needs for affection and sex are suffering as a response to her needs not being filled. Not a healthy attitude on her part, but, not likely a conscious decision.
My best guess is that you are not being manly enough for her. You seem to want her to be a nurturing mother to you. At the same time you want her to be a sex partner. This is confusing to her emotions. She can't see you as both. The more needy you are the less she is attracted to you.
Don't go looking for a busty replacement. That is just a symptom. Fix yourself first. Man up! Then if she doesn't become attracted to you at least you will be in position to attract someone else.
FA
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