A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there - i'm looking for some advice please...I have been with my girlfriend for roughly a year now, and she recently moved in with me. We have a really good relationship, we're both kind people and considerate and loving to each other. Now we've never had much of a sex life, and in the past year we have done it maybe 5 or 6 times and thats being generous! It's always me that tries to initiate any type of sexual contact. She never seems to be interested in anything sexual, and she constantly makes excuses not to turn over and participate - she says she's tired or feeling ill, or has a headache. On the rare occasions that she is willing, I have no problem in turning her on, making her extremely wet and bringing her to orgasm, so i know its not that i'm hopeless. I thought that by her moving in with me, we would have more time together etc so the 'tired' excuses would disappear, but she seems to be tired at all times of the day/night. I realized that my constant 'nagging' was probably a turn off for her, so i spent a two month period where i didn't try to initiate anything, only to be maddened by the fact that she didnt care or notice. I had it out with her one evening, and demanded to know why she constantly rejects my advances, she could'nt give me a reason so I threatened to end the relationship and she became hysterical and said that she didnt want to lose me and that i'm the best thing thats ever happened to her, and she swore she would make the effort from now on - 5 weeks later, i'm still waiting. The funny thing is, she told me when we met that she has a high sex drive!!! We are in our prime, and i'm being forced to live like a monk in my own home! I no longer feel attractive and my self esteem has been crushed bigtime. I don't want to end the relationship, as its great in all other aspects. Advice greatly appreciated!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): hi there,
my boyfriend is about to move in with me and when we met we were at it like rabbits - now my libido has calmed down and he still wants to do it 5 times a night. when i say, darling i just dont fancy it he goes very quiet and insistes nothing is wrong then i end up feeling bad as i know what on his mind and i do it - but dont enjoy it. no one likes to feel they have to do something. if he just stopped trying to grab my boobs every time we kiss and actually givce me a cuddle and kiss without it leading on to anything i would be sooo happy. i still love sex with him more than anything but perhaps your girlfriend is feeling like me, we are not machine and woman have emotionsla attacehment to sex - if we feel all your doing is satistying your urge and there is no other way you can show us you love us then we wont want to give. i would be happy with sex 3 times a week, instead i am on some rampant quest to have it about 35 times a week which is now boring me. last saturday it was five times, then went for walk and when i got back he wanted it again so i did, then sat night too.
then sunday it was 4 times!!!! why!!!!!!
A
male
reader, rivi  +, writes (14 June 2010):
Yoù re entitled to sex and plenty of it - and she*s not giving it to you so you*ll just have to seek it out with another woman or women. You should tell her this - be upfront about it: after all she has chosen to live with a man not a mouse : if she wants a mouse tell her to go to a petshop. Meanwhile she can be seeking out treatment with a counsellor and if that cures her you can give up the other girls. But meanwhile make up for lost time and get yr pants off where you find willing takers. I realize this sounds harsh and uncaring - but you*ve tried the other approach and been considerate and it*s got you nowhere. So try the different approach : you never know - it may be your allowing her to de-masculinize you has turned into a self-fulfilling vicious spiral but if you start showing a bit of spunk for a change she might get turned on by it:Bottom line : there*s other fish in the sea; online; bars; etc..
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies guys, in response to the questions raised, we do kiss and cuddle frequently, almost every day (work shifts permitting), i have asked her if there is anything she can think of thats happened in the past that might affect how she views intimacy nowadays, but she is very vague, and if there is something then she's not telling me. she is on the pill, but using the same brand etc that she has done for the past 10+ years and has not had any low libido side effects from it before. as for depression - i'm no doctor, but she seems happy enough in life, her lifestyle living with me is a lot better than where she came from. any further comments and suggestions are appreciated.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 June 2010):
 Ask her her definition of "high sex drive"
While it is so that you never had much sex, she should respect that YOU need more sex. It shouldn't always be on her terms. And I understand very well hor frustrating it can be when you give your partner the opportunity to take initiative (for two months) and not only do they not take initiative, the are also oblivious to your efforts!
After over a year together, and it is like this.. it is not making you happy. I don't see how this relationship plesing HER should be a good enough reason for YOU to stay. She inst giving you what you need in a relationship. You are giving her what she needs, but it is not returned. A relatiosnhip is about give and take, but when it comes to the sex in your relationship it sounds like she takes and never gives. She takes only what she needs, and then leaves you to hang.
Now, there could be an explanation for this. Say she actually does have a high sex drive, or had before. She constantly complains about being tired...Is she eating right? Can she have a physical problem? Seeing a doctor might be the answer. Being constantly tired is a symptom, not a normal state of being. I think it could be worth a visit to the doctor to figure out if this is just her having a low sex drive, or if something is up with her body. It is suspicious that she'd say she has a high sex drive when she doesn't want sex more than once every other month... So maybe she used to have one, and then something changed. Figure out what.
But like I said, constantly tired sounds more like a symptom than an excuse. Maybe it is time to take what she says seriously and not brush it under the carpet as a bad excuse.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (10 June 2010):
Sounds like she is either afraid to give you the real reason why she won't have sex, or she doesn't quite know herself. But the bottom line is she's not sexually attracted to you. If she's attracted to you, it wouldn't matter if she has any medical or physical (feeling ugly/tired) reasons, she'd still make advances on you.Is she otherwise affectionate with you? I mean in a non-sexual way. Does she like to kiss, and hug? But just not turn that kissing in to anything more passionate? This shows that you can turn this around by changing her perception of you.You say this "We have a really good relationship, we're both kind people and considerate and loving to each other. "Have you considered that you are "too" kind, considerate and loving. By that, I don't mean you need to start being mean, but how were you when you were sexually together before? Were you very dominant and masculine? Did she desire you enough to come on to you as much as you come on to her? Could you make her orgasm really easily? I think in so many cases, such as yours, girls can develop such a loving attachment to someone, and it's so deep as you describe that they will very happily stay with that person forever. But the problem is that they don't have any sexual attraction to you. They have learnt that they can get all they need, love, affection, loyalty, without there being any sexual component. You see women are wired differently to men and this is inescapable. It is easy for a woman once they have found a mate to switch off sexually if they feel they have everything else they need. Whereas men, they tend to have a pretty much fixed sex drive. It's not always like that, but it does tend to be.I think you did well to try 2 months of not "asking" for sex. When a girl feels like sex is something she has to give her partner, it can be the beginning of the end. If anything, it is always good to try and keep the balance in your favour, so that she feels she is the one who comes to you for sex! Anyhows. What I would recommend - you say you don't feel attractive. No wonder! But if you don't feel attractive, she probably doesn't find you attractive, either. You need to devote more time to the things you were doing, before you met her. Attractive traits include: keeping physically fit, doing sports or gym. Learning new things, going out with the guys. Having interests and passions. Improving your looks through fashion and grooming. All these things are cause attraction. You need to have all of this going on outside of your relationship with her. You need to make yourself a more desirable person. She will notice this. She'll notice if you go out, feeling confident and in top form. Other girls will notice you. She'll notice you've been noticed. She'll then feel like she needs to compete again to go that extra mile to get and keep your attention. She would have done this in the beginning. You need to put her back on this mindset so she knows you are a desirable man, and although you love and choose her, that does not mean that she doesn't have to continually work at keeping your interest. Just remember this though, never try to change a girls mind, change her feelings. Attraction is not a logical process, it is an emotional one. Also lastly, do a search for "sex god method" and see if you can pick up the PDF. There is some great material in it. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): Hey, I'm going through the same sorta thing. Makes you feel really ugly! My boyfriend would rather play computer games then with me.. I just dnt get it! I have had it out with him to and threatened to break up but he crys alot an says he'll b better... Well, i'm still waiting too. The advice other people gave me was to talk to him, I have tryed all that.
Do u think perhaps she could be depressed? That can affect her sex drive.. I hope u can work it out! Goodluck!
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A
male
reader, Dekten  +, writes (10 June 2010):
I don't think she's doing it on purpose... but maybe there's some kind of medical reason? Or something from her past? Is she taking the pill? One side-effect of the pill is lower sex drive.
One option could be to get counseling, either together or apart, to find out what the deeper issues are.
Leaving the situation as-is is clearly not an option.
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