A
male
age
30-35,
*reon
writes:Hi! A year ago I posted here with regards to the break-up from hell. Well, I can safely say 12 months later that's all in the past Moved on with my life and it's all going well.So there's this new girl. Problem is... she has a boyfriend. Yep, the old boyfriend bomb. We've only known each other since August 2013 but we hit it off big time. We have so much in common, we're always talking to each other. We both want to go into filmmaking and I've just recently stayed at her place to help out with one of her projects - on the sofa mind.She's been with her boyfriend (first love) for just under 4 years. They seem happy enough but she keeps dropping phrases like 'it's falling apart' 'I don't know how long we'll last. I take note of these, but I don't say anything.So... recently, we were watching a film and she cuddles up to me, like head on chest sort of thing. She also is feeding me from her hand. She keeps making excuses to hang out with me such as decorating my room, going on dog walks, watching movies together. It's very confusing situation obviously. She says she goes for older men, which I am (just under five years her senior). She even compared me to her boyfriend, saying that my taste in milkshake was the same as hers, as opposed to her boyfriend who prefered a different flavor.Now, I'm the last person on Earth to make a move on her when she's with her bf. I know how much that sucks. Problem is though, so many times in my life I've acted too late and lost a lot of opportunities to have a relationship because of anxiety issues. So this time I want it to be different.Everyone I've asked has said that she obviously likes me, but I know her having a boyfriend is not making it easier.Other things she's done: wear my jacket, go in for extended hugs, made excuses to phone me, asked if my ideal girlfriend was somone who'd be into filmmaking. She even offered to come round and help (jokingly) burn my ex-gf's stuff which I'm stuck with since NC is in full effect. She leaned in close and pretended to kiss me, when I wasn't looking for one.She even said that for me, she'd help make one of my film that falls into a genre of films she hates. But for me she's said she would.Anyone want to dissect this situation please do! I know sometimes it's black and white, but love really isn't... Pursue or not?Most people say that I shouldn't go for it because if she is like this now, what's to say she won't do it again? To me that's not really a given. I'd hate to throw away a chance at something that could be good out of fear.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (19 January 2014):
 Keep your distance. We hear about the falling apart relationship so often here it's become cliché.
She's not married to the guy, doesn't have children with him, their finances aren't tied up so why is she still with him? If she wants it over you have to ask yourself what it is that's holding her back.
Making a move at this point would reveal something about your own character, OP. Both of you would know that if ever there were problems between you in the future, some other man or woman will know all about it, possibly even before either of you do.
A
male
reader, devont +, writes (19 January 2014):
 I don't want to be harsh, but I'm not that convinced she's into you. She knows you like her and I would suspect that she likes the attention and that is the extent of it. But if she was into you, regardless of whether this other guy is her first love, fifth love etc etc, she would have ended it with him and be with you. You've known each other for long enough for her to have made up her mind between you and her boyfriend... And from the outside, it looks like she's chosen him. My friend was in a similar situation last year and the girl in question broke up with her boyfriend within a month of them meeting because she liked my friend and because her relationship really WAS falling apart. Three months after that they made it official.I hope you meet someone who is single and likes you enough to want to be with you and only you.All the best.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (18 January 2014):
 You write: "Most people say that I shouldn't go for it because if she is like this now, what's to say she won't do it again? To me that's not really a given."
OK... you're choice. But.... don't say that we didn't "tell you so.."
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): You say you're into film-making? Would that include TV dramas,chick-flicks,and soap operas? Do you get to star in any of these films as the "broken-hearted hero?" Or the villainous home-wrecking cad? That's such an over-played script!
You're setting yourself up, and making room for an unwholesome threesome. Three's a crowd my boy! You're the probable victim of a woman who isn't done with one relationship; and priming her new beau for the next episode. Making sure she has a place to land; before she detaches from her present situation. You're on standby. The understudy.
That doesn't mean you'll get the part! You're just on the casting couch!
You broke up with someone yourself 12-months ago. Do you not recall the time it took to go from detachment to recovery?
You truly expect her to walk-away from him, and just fall into your arms? I guess you're into making fantasy-films too!
You think you have a head-start? This is just the teaser preview of the next dramatic episode? Oh, you could be right. This is what happens just before the tragic scene, and the music that goes "dunn...dunn...duuunnnnnn!!!"
How can you guys start a spanking-new relationship, without all that miserable crap in the middle? The breakup...then tears, sweat, boogers, dribble, and snot? Maybe some blood, when he pounds the living crap out of you!
Remember the weeks after your breakup?
When you spent days in your undershorts, whining to your buddies, drinking blackouts, and drunk-texting? Until you finally got over your ex and moved on?
You were a blubbering nincompoop...lying around the flat feeling sorry for yourself. You wore the same dirty tee shirt for days! I was a fly on the wall, I saw you. Now here we go again. Easy bait for a rebound! Nostrils wide open! Your tongue hanging out for some other guy's girlfriend. Didn't you learn anything after the last bad episode?
Don't confuse your gratitude for her support, as anything more that that. At least until she knows if she isn't just leaning on you like women sometimes do when they feel a little neglected; and horny for side-action. They play us, just like they get played. Maybe you're just a prop!
Seriously, dude!?
You're a band-aid and a painkiller. The fill-in boyfriend-substitute, when "Mr. Wonderful" is off on his game. You're the dick on-hold, until their next big fight;and she gets drunk,and needs someone to skizzle her wizzle. The fluffer.
Get a grip cowboy. Get off that pony! She's galloping toward the edge of a cliff.
If he's so bad, let her breakup, go from detachment to recovery, and get over him. Then see if the feelings are still there for you. Fast-forward to the next dramatic scene.
There's unfinished business between them, and a ex-boyfriend who'll be hovering over both of you like a helicopter. Behind the scenes texting, secret messaging, raw girly-emotions, and YOU feeling like you're intruding on THEIR relationship; which is supposed to be over. You're the guy who stole his girl. The audience boos when you walk in!
You don't want to share your woman. You don't want to immediately fall in with someone who was "you" a few months ago. Angry, confused, frustrated, and feeling rejected by someone you thought loved you. That's what she'll be feeling. Otherwise; she'll just boink you on the side, and go back and forth between you. If you let her.
You better look out buddy!!! I smell a rebound relationship cooking! That smells like rotten eggs and sulfur. Throw in a hint of latex!
You need to back off. You're becoming a wedge. She's pulling you into a cheating arrangement. You're a sucker for it. Do you prefer stealing your women; or do you like meeting them single and available?
The oldest bait in the world is "it's falling apart!" You just keep placing yourself so conveniently on the mark, so she falls right into your lap. Always around to catch her. Boy, you are going to end up with the bloodiest nose! I mean he is going to beat the living hell out of you. If he can't, he just might find a few mates to make the job easier. The action part of the film, where they beat the hero to a pulp. The black eyes and bruises won't be stage makeup. They'll be real!
He's going to come home and catch you two in a compromising position. Then she's going to play the innocent and vulnerable girly-girl; and watch the two brutes battle it out for her affections. Her hands clasped in suspense and distress! You flying backwards in slow-motion toward the wall buck-naked! The sound-affects will be horrible! Your deafening screams will fill the theater!
Cut the crap and go find yourself a girlfriend who is single and available. If she happens to break it off with Mr. Wonderful; maybe you might have a shot after a few months of her being away from him.
The end.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 January 2014):
 A cheater's words are worthless. She is going behind the back of a boyfriend she claims to love, cuddling up and hand feeding another man while making come-ons to him. You pay very good attention to this, because if you're wanting to be her boyfriend, this is how she treats boyfriends.
Would you want your girlfriend putting her head on another man's chest and saying things to him? Not a chance.
Like I said - a cheater's words are worthless. Actions are everything. If you've known each other for 5 months, she's has enough time to break up with her boyfriend. Instead, she's hedging her bets by keeping him around and testing the waters with you. That is still cheating.
Your anxiety is irrelevant in this situation, except that your anxiety level would be off the scale if you did cheat with her, and the relationship was started with trust being destroyed from the start. You will then know anxiety that will split your brain from your nose to the back of your neck.
Never use a girl to get over a personal issue. If your anxiety paralyzes you, speaking to a therapist would be much more helpful, and you'd be able to pursue a relationship with someone who is single.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 January 2014):
 Look I know you want us to say, go for it dude great idea she's into you!
But here's the thing. You are reading too much into it and the only move that matters in terms of dating is for her to break up with him. Period. She can whine about her bf til she's blue in the face, but until they break up, she's just venting. She certainly sounds like she's being flirtatious, but being honest it doesn't mean anything at all. It could be how she interacts, she could just be enjoying the attention you're giving, it could be so so so many things.
The only thing for you to really do here in terms of making a move is to come clean and say you are into her, and you can't continue to be just friends. That if she wants to date you, you're game, but that being friends isn't working for you. Make her choose. Because cheating is no way to start a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): I think she's just teasing you to be honest. She likes the fact she's getting good attention not just from her boyfriend and so she's being a bit flirty about it, but I don't think that you should take her reactions as actual proof she really fancies you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 January 2014):
It's always a grest idea to begin a relationship with someone who's cheating on their significant other....
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