A
female
age
30-35,
*ustyouraveragegirl
writes:Hello I am 24, he is 42 (I know he is so much older than me) I have always been drawn to and dated older guys (besides my first boyfriend.) Anyway he is my professor, now when I say my professor, he is a lecturer at my university and he is the leader of several modules/classes I am taking this year, on top of this he is also my personal tutor, who is a designated member of staff to talk to (although you could talk to anyone)Anyway we have both been single prior to this relationship for a little while, a relationship was neither of our priorities. He wanted to focus on his work, and I wanted to work on myself. I had had several bad relationships and some flings to build my confidence up (as bad as that sounds) I have always flirted back to his little looks and moves, no harm, but I did star to develop feelings for him, I wasn't going to act upon them.Long story short, we were having a meeting together, just to discuss anything and everything basically, and I get up to leave, when he grabs my hand and kisses me.I kissed him back, and didn't regret it for a second (still don't) after the initial shock that i kissed him back. we exchanged numbers and started dating and have been together for a little over 6 months.My parents know I date older guys so it wont be a shock when I bring him homeQuestions: When should i tell my parents he's my professor How on earth do I act professional with this man? we're both trying but its difficult.Advice is welcome
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (5 November 2016):
 Just to add - the age thing is irrelevant in the situation. I wouldn't matter if he was 32 or 22.... he is still your Professor.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (5 November 2016):
As someone who has worked within a University, as a tutor and lecturer, I can honestly say that even if your Uni has no official "issues" with student/professor dating (which I somehow doubt), professionally and morally he is breaking every rule in the book. occasionally they are more lenient if the student/tutor work in different subjects, but the fact he is teaching you should be ringing massive alarm bells.
Now, at 24 you are a grown adult, and in that respect you can do what you want. However, he is a member of staff at a teaching institution, and you are his student. Doesn't matter how old you are, he has a duty of care, and a level of power over you, which should NOT be abused in this way.
As he teaches you, and is your personal tutor, there should in no way be a sexual or romantic relationship. Sorry, but that is the truth. Professionally he is committing a massive indiscretion there.
I know that these things do go on, but for the most part those members of staff have reputations, and you may not be the first, and probably won't be the last he has tried it on with. Many departments may turn a blind eye, others would sack him on the spot for misconduct. A member of the department I worked in was given a choice of resigning or being sacked after he was found in a compromising position with a student. He left to save his own reputation.
With regards to marking, if he is teaching you/taking lectures he will have some hand in your marking somewhere. Most Uni papers are now "blind marked" but even so, if you are working closely with him, he would be able to pick out your work from a pile easily. That gives him opportunity for favoritism and sex for grades rumors could start. As your personal tutor he has access to your personal files on the computer systems, and could change the grades electronically. He would also not be able to discuss you in an unbiased manner in any exam/marking/end of year meetings that EVERY SINGLE UNIVERSITY DEPARTMENT HAS EVERY SINGLE TERM. Seriously, they have meetings, to discuss student progress, grading, involvement, personal development. If another tutor brought something up about you, he couldn't be part of the discussion. He is compromised.
No University would be prepared to deal with that kind of situation if other students found out - it could lead to a scandal and the reputation of the whole department being tarnished. University now is about league tables, status and grant success. If there is ANY hint of Scandal - grant applications could be affected, and potential income lost.
IF your Uni has no problem with this relationship (as you say), you should be open and honest about it, change personal tutors and he should have no contact with you in any kind of teaching or marking capacity or in the day to day workings of your study.
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A
female
reader, Justyouraveragegirl +, writes (4 November 2016):
Justyouraveragegirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOur university allows student teacher relationships providing he doesn't grade any of my work and they are made aware of the relationship (which we have done)
So there are no issues there.
I can't swap any classes so I do still have him teaching me but he doesn't now have anything to do with my grades, so I wouldn't be at an unfair advantage there.
Thank you for answering.
Yes my parents accept the fact i'm always going to date older and usually a lot older. As for him dating a much younger student, neither of us set our plans on a relationship with each other, things just happened and we became a thing.
He makes me very happy and me him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 November 2016):
 What are the rules at your Uni with regards to teacher/student dating?
Maybe THAT needs to be looked at first. To make sure there are no complications there.
When I went to college I had a teacher who slept with students. Those students had rotten reputations as everyone assumed they "dated" this teacher for grades (and yes some of the girls definitely did).
I think it's totally inappropriate and unprofessional of a professor to date a student he TEACHES and TUTOR. And for him to be in his 40's? He really should know better than boinking a student.
My advice? First, figure out what the rules are for student/teacher/professor relationship and then secondly, if you can switch classes so there is NO overlap. I don't really see any other way for HIM to be professional and NOT give you unfairly good marks based on his PERSONAL relationship with you.
If your parents are OK with you dating older guys, I don't really see why him being YOUR professor would be a shocker either. Which is why I mention looking into the rules and into switching classes. Show your parents that you ARE mature enough for this kind of a relationship.
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