A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I was best friends with a guy who I had known all my life right up until we were 18. Even though we didn't see each other anymore, I still messaged him all the time and I still considered him my best friend. But he then got a girlfriend, who made him cut contact with me. I know this because he all of a sudden blocked me on everything and refused to respond to any of my messages, and a mutual friend told me the girlfriend was pissed that he bumped into me on a night and was talking to me and made him choose. Long story short, he chose her. I was deeply upset at the time but told myself if she is so mean and petty she can't handle her boyfriend having a female friend and make him give up a friendship that was very special to him, then surely the relationship wouldn't last, and I would be there for him when the time came. However, fast forward six years later, I was wondering about him, and found out he has recently married this same girl and has two kids to her. And I have been really upset ever since. I've always kinda hoped someday I'd bump into him and we could just kind of pick up where we left off and he'd agree that she was a big mistake, and I think I'm annoyed because this dream has kind of been killed now. I know I should just let it go and I'm silly for getting annoyed over someone who stopped being friends with me years ago, but this really really has affected me badly. How can I make peace with this and make myself feel better?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 November 2016):
 The friendship could not have been that important to him or he would not have just given it up. It sounds to me like you may have had feelings for him. Maybe it was obvious to him and his girlfriend and that is why he cut contact. Either way it was six years ago you need to move on. It seems like you had moved on until you realized they where now married. If you had thought off him as a friend then you would be happy that he is happy. But it seems you are bitter. Possibly because you wanted a future with him. I think you just need to accept that it was not meant to be.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 November 2016):
 I think you need to come to terms with what happened, from a perspective that isn't yours.Yes, you were best friends, but girls tend to have a different idea of "best friends" than guys do, so it's possible the friendship was higher on your priority list than his.Also, when any friend gets a partner and it starts getting serious, they get prioritised over friendships and the good friends accept the step down. It's possible she had bad experiences before, like being cheated on or exes being too close to female friends, and your friend wanted to prove to her that she was most important to him. It would have been nice of him to tell you about it before doing it, but I don't think that would have helped you deal with it.You're hung up on him - either an unhealthy friendship attachment or a long, unrequited crush. Do you know which it is?Her request may have been petty and mean or he may have chosen to cut contact with you without an ultimatum, regardless of what you've been told. However, she was obviously a decent enough person that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and have her as the mother of his children. If you can't accept that and be happy for him, you either don't trust his judgement or you're bordering on obsession.I completely understand the feeling of betrayal, but you're older now and should have progressed in your own life - focus on that. If this feeling doesn't start to fade in a week, please seek counselling.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 November 2016):
 I agree with Anonymous 123,
HE made a choice and it wasn't you. GET over it.
I know it sucks, I have been there more than once as I had more male friends than female growing up. Sometimes you gain a friend, sometimes you lose one.
The GF, now wife, didn't like the amount of time and effort he spent on you so she asked him to choose. HE chose her. And as it turns out it might HAVE been the right choice as he is STILL with her, he MARRIED her and had kids with her, SHE is his MATE, you were a friend.
Unfortunately, some friendships aren't always forever. And I can truly understand why he cut your friendship off because you sounds so entitled to his time and him. Like you "OWNED" him. He isn't a thing, he is a person who CAN think for himself. I know it's EASY to say that this woman "made him" choose, but she didn't. HE made that choice. Maybe if you look back you will realize that you tried to monopolize him and his time and THAT is why he "gave" you up?
IT IS NORMAL for people to focus on a LOVE interest over a friend. Especially in the beginning of the courtship and if you (general you) have a friend who doesn't understand that and KEEPS butting in, KEEPS wanting time, attention etc. that friend is sometimes let go.
Look I know it sucks to lose a friend. BUT BE a good friend and wish him well (mentally, no need for contact) HE found someone he LOVES enough to both marry and have kids with. AT the very least he didn't give up the friendship for a 6 months fling.
It was 6 years ago! You can't change others, OP - all you CAN change is how you see things. And how you DEAL with things.
Why be SO bitter that he is happy? How does that help YOU in your life? (*hint hint IT DOESN'T* it just makes you bitter*) Let him be happy.
All in all, MAYBE he wasn't such a "special" friend after all? If he couldn't maintain BOTH a friendship with you and a happy GF. So maybe... it really isn't as big of a loss and you have convinced yourself that it is.
I'll give you another piece of advice. IF you have a male friend who starts to date a girl, GET to know her. BE her friend too. You will gain a friend and possibly put the GF at least with the friendship.
LIFE is not a competition. UNLESS you make it so. And if you do, well you LOSE more than you win.
Let it go. Make new friends. Enjoy life, be a positive person for those friends you DO have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2016): To get over this I think you need to be honest with yourself. If you are still thinking about this after 6 yrs then he must have been more than simply a friend to you. I'm not sure your relationship was as special to him as it was to you anyway. You didn't see him just messaged each other and I imagine he knew your feelings were stronger than purely friendship.No-one needs a girl messaging and mooning over their partner and in truth this girl was probably right to ask her boyfriend to cool his relationship with you. I think he wanted that too otherwise he wouldn't have gone along with it.I lost all my male friends once they paired off and although I was a bit peeved I know I wouldn't want a woman constantly messaging etc my husband so I did understand. Look upon this as a learning experience and it's the way life goes. Most people don't keep the same friends they had as children once they grow up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2016): His new girlfriend was right then wasn't she. You had a romantic interest in your 'best friend'. Why should she put up with that? Texting every day? I wouldn't tolerate that either. Find yourself someone who is available and move on.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 November 2016):
 This seems to be a common complaint of women who have male friends, who go on to dump them for their partners.
Look, the common consensus would be that he's an ass, he doesn't deserve you, you shouldn't want him back. My point however is, why do you think that you should be so important in someone's life? You seem to think a lot of yourself and that's where the problem stems from. You were not his girlfriend, you were not his his love interest nor his partner...you were a friend and that's it. When he found the person that he was romantically interested in, its only natural that he would wean away from you and frankly, no girl would like it very much if her boyfriend had a very close female friend. He had to make a choice and he chose her. Obviously! She's the one he wants to spend his life with! Again, you're giving yourself way too much importance and thinking that your friendship was very special to him but maybe it wasn't.
If you were a true friend then you should have understood this yourself and should have wished him well, instead of being spiteful and waiting for them to break-up and for him to come crying to you. You blame him for being a shitty friend but you're no better. No matter how much you hate his girlfriend, by wishing bad things for her, you're also wishing the same for the man who you claim is/was such a good friend of yours. I'm surprised that you are so bitter about this whole thing that you say it was your "dream" that he should come crawling to you admitting that he made a big mistake.
The truth is, your ego has taken a huge beating because this man didn't show any romantic interest in you and chose the other girl. This is why you wanted him to be unhappy...because he rejected you. I'm sorry but this is not how friends are. You need to get over your selfishness because it'll only consume you. The guy in question isn't bothered in the least; he's moved on, he's now married with kids. Its you who's suffering and you need to get go of your bitterness or you'll only hurt yourself.
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