A
male
age
30-35,
*umberSix
writes:Hi there, I'm writing to ask your advice on a problem that has remained unsolved for me since I was about 17. I'm 30 now! It's a pretty straightforward problem: I can't get a girlfrind, girls just don't seem to be interested in me. See? I told you it wasstraightforward. I'm writing to you to see if I can give me any advice about what I can do to change things while there might be still a few single girls around my age left.It wouldn't be much use if I was just to leave my question at that; I'd better tell you a bit about myself. I'm going to be as honest and detached as I can be in telling you about myself. After all there is no point in giving you an innacurate impression, either too positive or too negative, so here goes:I live in Edinburgh in Scotland. I'm from there originally but I lived away for a long time at university and for a few years afterwards. I moved back just over 5 years ago but all of my social circle from school has long since moved away or moved on. So, there's the first big reason: I have very little in the way of social interaction. This is made worse by the fact that I run my own business and although I employ quite a few people, there is inevitably an invisible barrier between me as the boss and everyone else, so the usual avenues of workplace socialising aren't really available to me. The main place that I speak to other people is at the gym that I have been going to for nearly 2 years. Problem is that, although lots of women go there, they use exclusively the cardio machines at the otherend of the gym from the weights section where I spend most of my workout. When I am over in that area, it's not exactly likely to get a good response if I was to try to strike up a conversation with a girl who is in the middle of running / rowing / etc. So, it's male company only at the gym.I've already told you two things about me that don't fit with the stereotype of a guy who can't get women to look at him: I have my own business and I go to the gym. So, I'm a go-getter, I'm ambitious and quite successful. If you want to talk about materialistically, I have my own place in a very nice area and I drive a Porsche. I'm only telling you this to give you the full picture, not because I am boasting or looking to get the kind of girls who are after lots of the green folding stuff (although, contrary to popular belief, it doesn't get me any attention whatsoever).Ok, lets talk about looks. I know that looks aren't supposed to be everything but if I don't describe my appearance a little then I'm not giving you the whole picture. I am 5'9" tall. Not very tall, I know but not much below average. I think that this is likely to be one of my biggest problems because girls do seem to like taller men. I have always been slim, well, skinny but, as I said I have been going to the gym with religious dedication for nearly 2 years now and have managed to get myself into a good, slim athletic shape. People are always surprised when they learn my age and usually guess me to be 26-ish. You can't blame me for worrying that the problem could just be that I am not good looking facially, so I posted some pics of my self on HotorNot. (The rating site where people give you are mark from 1 to 10 based on attractiveness.) After hundreds of votes, my average score is 8.9 out of 10. Shouldn't someone who is voted 8.9/10 by women online at least be able to get girls to return their SMILE in real life? In terms of my clothes, I have always ben well dressed and well groomed. I like to think of myself as a bit stylish, if I'm being honest. Right, finally personality, probably the hardest area for me to be objective about. Like most people, depending on who I am with I can go from shy to highly extroverted. I've had to do personality test for jobs in the past though and I always came out as an extrovert. As you can see from this post, I'm not short of something to say or the skills to express myself. I am generally interested in history and politics but I can equally hold my own in a conversation about the stories in a celeb magazine. I have an honours degree in History and Philosphy and a Masters degree in Marketing, so I'm not stupid either. All my life, I have found it easy to make people laugh and I consider myself to be an excellent communicator. I have to be, I run a marketing business. I come across as confident too, not arrogant but perhaps a little aloof because my accent is a little bit posh but I'm afraid that's just how my voice comes out! I worry that I might be considered to be a little effeminate in some of my mannerisms, or rather I certainly was when I was younger but people who have only known me as an adult look bermused when I ask them if that is my problem. I have always been polite and generous with women, whether I am just intoducing myself to them or talking to them in any other situation. When I have approached girls in clubs, etc over the years they have almost always "had a boyfriend" or just dismissed me out of hand.I have had girlfriends, but not many, and, honestly, even fewer who I have really been that attracted to. I've always had so few chances that I've grabbed hold of the few that have come my way. I really don't think I'm being too choosey to want to be with someone who I find attractive am I? What's attractive? Well, that's pretty much impossible to go into here and is, of course in the eye of the beholder but if we are using the hotornot scale, 7 or higher?Well, that's the end of my epic. What can I do? I have even read all kinds of books of talking to to women or becoming a "pick up artist". Most of the tips that they give just strike me as likely to make you seem mental. So, please Cupid, help!P
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ambition, shy, university, workplace Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Code Warrior  + ♥, writes (19 September 2009):
 After reading your post again I wondered if you are overlooking many women in a pursuit of physical beauty.
I don't mean that as a negative comment. There is nothing wrong with being visual. What I mean to say is that it is easy to overlook women who like you if they don't fit into the mold you have defined for your "perfect" woman.
Maybe the problem is not so much in how you talk, but more in who you talk to. Maybe it is a combination of both.
Maybe you seek out VERY pretty women (9s and 10s) for example, but really aren't comfortable talking to them, so you have trouble. Maybe you should seek out women that you feel more comfortable talking to.
When I was a teen and during the first couple of years of college, I was after VERY pretty girls. However, I wound up having so many bad relationship experiences with them that they actually became very unattractive to me.
My bad experiences have permanently altered my perception of their looks to the point where they literally repulse me at first glance to this day. In fact, my wife is VERY pretty, she hated me when she met me, and I paid little attention to her.
We both worked at the same part time job in college and we would talk to each other to pass the time. I was not even thinking about her as someone to date. She was pretty and I no longer fancied pretty girls. It just never occurred to me to think of her as anything other than a co-worker, so I never worried about impressing her. I just talked to her about all kinds of stuff just to pass the time. I thought she was nice, intelligent, level-headed, funny, caring, compassionate, and thought she would make a great girlfriend for someone else!
I was dating other girls at the time, but not really anything serious. I had to be told by a third party that my wife was interested in me before I even took more than an acquaintance type of interest in her.
Thats why I think it is easier to hit it off with women when you are comfortable with them and just talk. When you are comfortable, you don't look needy, you don't look creepy, you just look confident and interesting.
You may not wind up with your perfect woman, but you are likely to wind up with your ideal woman if you just give her a chance.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (17 September 2009):
 Hi, your resume is certainly impressive enough. But, and I'm trying to be as nice and diplomatic as possible, and I know I'm going to fail here, but my dear, you are boring.
You just put me to sleep.
Yes, you've got all this going for you, but zzzzzzzs hit halfway through for me.
My other observation is that you are full of excuses. You don't talk to the women in the gym because they are on the cardio equipment. Is there a snack bar at the gym? Linger there a bit. You have to start making some eye contact, get a little non-verbal rapport going, THEN you can talk to one of the women. You have good communication skills but you don't have much social interaction? Uh uh, you talk a lot but don't appear to have a dialogue going with anyone. You appear aloof, and you think it's the accent? Nope, that's you.
Women like men who are genuinely interested in them, and want to listen to their interests and their cares and woes too. We want to feel as though we are the only person in the room to you when you are speaking with us. But we don't want to talk to a guy who feels creepy, or who leers, or who stares at our boobs and butt all the time. We will find ways to avoid the guy who is self-centered or selfish. If he seems resentful of life and irritated by people, that's bad too.
I have a sister-in-law who desperately needs to lose about 50 lbs. She is the queen of excuses. "He won't walk with me." So go on your own! "I have this knee injury." Try swimming, it's less stress on the joints. Find a physical therapist who can give you an exercise regimen that accommodates your limitations. "I'm diabetic." So, eat less. It's a simple equation.
I challenge you to take every single one of your excuses or explanations, and turn that analytical mind of yours to the task of finding a solution for every single one. Turn the "this doesn't work because...." into "my solution to theis problem is...."
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 In everything you said, you never talked about anything that would be on an emotional level. You are very straight forward, but I did not gather anything about you that describes your passions. You tell me what you do...but I want to hear WHY you LOVE doing it. I wonder if you are the same with women? If so, you violate a woman's emotional needs.
In my philosophy, a woman can only feel she belongs in one of two categories in a man's life:
She's either your mother, or she feels like your lover.
It can not be both.
Somewhere in the way you communicate to women, you are violating her emotional needs such that she feels like you want her to mother you, and if that is the case, THAT is why you can not get a girlfriend.
Again, in reading your post, nothing in there that would engage a woman's emotions (unless she is after your money, but that is not a woman that you would want anyways).
I invite you to my website to read and listen to previews of my books and lectures on the Emotional Needs of women.
As well as my media pages which has clips from the different media I was interview for about my research.
-Frank Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
http://www.franktalks.com/media
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A
male
reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (17 September 2009):
Women are generally looking for confident men that can make them laugh.
If you have "NEEDY" stamped on your forehead you probably won't make it past the first sentence. Right now, I think you have a large neon sign that says "NEEDY" on your forehead.
Women are not interested in needy men. You become needy when you NEED a woman. So, stop needing to have a woman. Don't think about it any more.
Instead of thinking about it as meeting women, think about it as meeting people. Treat them like you would any other person you would meet and converse with them the same way. This does not mean that you should treat them like one of the boys.
If you approach a woman with a genuine desire to just have a conversation with her without thinking about sex then she is more likely to want to continue talking to you.
If you try to use pick-up lines, they have to be witty, clever, and created by you on the spot to convey what is happening at that moment. Women will generally enjoy that kind of creativity. However, if you use old and tired pick up lines or try to re-package common pick up lines, women will only continue to talk if they are feeling like being charitable. They will give you credit for having the courage to say it, but will deduct points for lack of originality.
Personally, I think you just need to relax and not worry about picking up women. Just treat them like people that you are trying to meet instead. If the conversation is fun and stimulating, then you might get a phone number or maybe a date.
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