A
female
age
36-40,
*hristinaMaeMurphy
writes:I'll get straight to the point. I am very seriously considering having an affair. My husband has turned into a complete dead fish in the bedroom. He used to be very excited about me, he used to love to touch me, kiss me, lick me, sleep with me. He used to write me naughty stories, and set up fun little scenarios for us to carry out. Now, I'm masturbating daily just to try and hold back my drive. He has absolutely no imagination anymore. While I have plenty. I will literally do anything for my husband in the bed room, anything. And I love having sex with him, but I feel like I'm settling in the bedroom when I shouldn't have to. I give this man, just about, everything he needs from a wife. Everything that a man would expect from his woman. And I feel like the one area that I need him to support me in, he couldn't care less. It's like my needs don't matter.We have talked and talked about this... He always says he's sorry and that he'll start doing better. That usually lasts for about 2 days, then bam it's over. I feel like he thinks he doesn't have to work hard for me, like he doesn't have to show any effort... Like I'm the only one in this relationship trying to improve it. And I've grown increasingly sick of it. I want more, I want fun with sex. I want to feel desired and sexy like I did before 2 years ago.I know that an affair is not the ideal thing to do. But I won't give up my husband, and I won't give up my desire to be wanted physically.What would you say to someone who is thinking about sleeping with other men/women just to fill one of the HUGE holes in their marriage? Mind you, this is strictly sex... Nothing else, at all. I've never had an issue keeping sex and emotion separate.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 July 2012):
 I hope your sex life improves and stays good. Make sure your husband fully understands the importance of this.
A
female
reader, ChristinaMaeMurphy +, writes (9 July 2012):
ChristinaMaeMurphy is verified as being by the original poster of the question My husband made love to me for the first time ever the other night, and every day since then has been great in and out the bed room...
For those of you who gave me sincere answers, I truly appreciate it and want to say thank you. For those who said horrible things about me as a woman/wife, understand that this is not something I have acted on, it was a thought, a question. Please don't judge me, I'm just trying to do the best I can in my life situations. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (9 July 2012):
 I'm not sure how some of these other posters can just encourage you to have a divorce... it's like the one second things are going downhill it's time to pack up and find someone else. NO! Fight through it. Seriously find a way to work it out first. Sex counseling for the both of you (if you need to have sex everyday, maybe you have some type of hypersexuality?). He could be under a lot of pressure.
OR you could just stop beating around the bush and ask him what's wrong. COMMUNICATE.
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A
female
reader, mamarosa +, writes (9 July 2012):
I think you should check out this TV show:
Unfaithful: stories of betrayal
on OWN network.
So far, I haven't heard any stories about how an affair was a good thing. Granted these stories are focusing on how the couples reconcile.
i would think you may feel the same as these people. Guilt. Remorse.
And you should take note that if your husband is not interested in bedroom activities, he may be already fulfilling them elsewhere.
An affair is never the answer it's cracked up to be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012): "What would you say to someone who is thinking about sleeping with other men/women just to fill one of the HUGE holes in their marriage?"
Expanding on iAmHere's usual right-on-the-money assessment, I would ask "What are the OTHER huge holes in your marriage, and what are you thinking about doing to fill THEM?"
You took vows, either honor them or dissolve them, and you entered into a binding legal contract, either honor it or
take the necessary legal steps to dissolve it. No halvsies allowed.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (8 July 2012):
 It will never be just for the sex. Affairs are like sneaky little cancers that are growing beneath the surface. You think you can compartmentalize the sex thing with someone else, but the cancer/guilt and truth will start eroding away at all the other fibers in your marriage until there's nothing left but an empty shell that crumbles in your hands. Why not try sex therapy together? You have talked and talked to him but maybe you're asking him the wrong questions. Is he depressed? Is he under tremendous pressure at work? If he's not having serious emotional issues at work, or with your in general and he's not taking any medication such as high blood pressure pills, or anti-depressants, that can inhibit his performance and sex drive, I think you are putting too much pressure on him to perform for you, like a sex machine and he just can't do it. Once a relationship has become established the sex is never exactly the same as it was in the beginning. And all that "production" can get a bit exhaustive and predictable. Some men just want the sensation of f**ing you without the elaborate schemes and elongated foreplay that takes hours out of their day. You need to think in terms of reality. You're not making a porn movie. Just keep it simple. There's nothing wrong with having basic sex. And maybe when youre husband realizes he doesn't have to act like a porn star in bed, he will want sex more often.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012): Life isn't all about sex you know,seems like that's all you want from him. Maybe he's bored of you or fed up with your nagging!
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 July 2012):
 I agree with what everyone else has said and I think you need to seriously think about this situation before acting on any of it. I understand the need to be wanted and desired by the man you love. Having sex with someone else will not satisfy you...because you want to have sex with the man you love. Please discuss the options others have set forth here with your husband and see what he says. Tell him what you have been thinking without placing any blame or pressuring him. It would be beneficial if you would tell him how much you miss his touch, his kiss, and him in the bedroom. You know he tries, but things always go back to the way they were before after a few days. Tell him you miss the things you used to do together like writing dirty notes to each other, etc. I know you have probably already done all of this, but this will set you up to talk about counseling, an open marriage, or whatever your ultimatum is.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 July 2012):
This sounds stereotypical, but some men will put all their effort in the chase and their quest to make the girl theirs, and when that finally happens and the knot is sealed, they sit back and relax (and show their true colors).
These are very broad strokes of course, but this scenario could be the case for your husband. Which means that handing yourself on a silver platter will not excite him because he doesn't need to put in the effort.
Catering to someone's every wish makes them lazy and unappreciative. Compare it to children who get everything they want. They start putting in less and less effort because they don't need to.
So stop being so attentive. Stop doing everything for him and let him know that just because you have a ring around your finger doesn't mean he can take your presence in his life for granted.
Finding someone else to fulfill your sexual needs will only make the situation worse. You'll start developing feelings for this person and then what? Plus, aren't you better than the woman who looks elsewhere at the first signs of problems in her marriage? Do you really want to be that person? Because when you cross the line there's no going back and you can't blame him anymore then, can you?
If it all doesn't work out it's better to divorce and find someone who is the complete package. They're out there, trust me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 July 2012):
I think if you were in your 50-ties, and have been married to this man for 20 years, I'd support your desire to have an affair.
But, early 20-ties? You have been married a few years only, and already this is a problem? You are both young, healthy, and don't have kids together? Sex shouldn't be stale at this point in your life.
I actually think that if it's so bad that you've resorted to needing a LOVER, then I think you should seriosuly consider a divorce. Imagine the rest of your life like this. The rest of your life always having to be dependent on a lover, because your husband is lacking. It'll grow between you, it'll probably also end up making you feel guilty too, because it is a form of betrayal no matter how you twist it. And that sort of thing can eat at your heart and consciousness. Even if your husband gives you the green light and accepts that you have a lover.
Why is it so imaginable to leave him and have a divorce? You're young! And you're already having a crappy sex life! You're not going to be able to live happily on like this for the next 50 years of your life... Always needing someone else to take care of your needs. And eventually, after years of needing someone else to do the job... You'll end up leaving your husband anyway. Or he'll leave you because he quite possibly will feel emasculated by you going elsewhere.
Get a divorce.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 July 2012):
 Cheating is not going to fix the problem. It might sooth the "itch" but long-term all it will do is break down whatever you and your husband have build.
Obviously talking didn't work, so maybe try a counselor/ sex therapist?
And I have to say, just because your husband doesn't fulfill you sexually it doesn't give you a "right" or "free pass" to cheat.
Find a way to fix it with you husband or move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): I think there are more issues in your relationship than just in the bedroom. I was reading one of your posts yesterday and it seems to me that your relationship and marriage were built primarily on sex. Ask your self what your relationship is built on, if sex and love is all or a majority then you need to find other ways to be intimate with your husband and build your relationship on other things as well. An affair will only be devestating in the long run. Is it possible your husband doesnt want sex for other reasons? I think the emotional relationship between you both is lacking. Sometimes giving anyone everything is always what they need. I agree completely with person12345 she gave you some very good solutions. I would suggest finding other ways to be intimate and bonding together. I think couples counselling would benefit you greatly. Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 Yesterday you wrote a post in which you said you did not want to act on your desires, to sleep with someone else, and today you are seriously considering it? I know you're in a difficult situation but please think about this very carefully before you do anything.
I don't think anyone on this forum will advise you to have an affair.
You are young. You can't stay in an unhappy marriage but if I were you I really wouldn't consider doing anything that could wreck your marriage. You say that you love your husband - is it really worth the risk of losing him for sex with someone else?
I'd really consider couples counselling. I hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (7 July 2012):
Well when you got married, did you miss the part that you're supposed to stay faithful in your marriage for better or for worse?
Although, I agree that sex is important in any relationship whether you're married or not, but it comes across that that's all your marriage is based on. Have you considered asking him what's up? Is he depressed or stressed? Maybe it isn't about you at all. I can understand that he's probably making you feel less desireable and you're going to look for it elsewhere, but I think that's the completely wrong way to go about it. You're about to make a mountain out of a molehill.
I think you should talk with your husband and consider counseling. If that doesn't work, then get a divorce and get your kicks elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 July 2012):
 "I've never had an issue keeping sex and emotion separate."
You're already having trouble with it. You're not looking for sex to fulfill some kind of horniness, you are not feeling desired. You are filling an emotional void with this, that you are not feeling appreciated/wanted/desired. I understand exactly what you're saying, and it's the number one reason men and women who cheat, do so.
But this is not going to solve anything. It won't fix things with your husband. It's like if you have a stain on your carpet so you move a coffee table over it. The stain is still there, and now the room doesn't flow well because of this random table.
You have three options:
1. You discuss an open marriage with your husband, but be ready that he can also enjoy the same freedoms as you.
2. You do not have an affair and you try to find more permanent solutions through marriage counseling.
3. You leave and find someone who makes you feel wanted.
If you cheat, you will be doing something awful. You only want to cheat because it's easier than the other options, but it's also the worst option from every angle you can look at it (doesn't fix things for you, will ruin things for/with your husband). Do you really want to become a bad person just because it's easier?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 July 2012):
 have you cleared this sexual behavior with your husband?
because my take on this is different from most of the aunts here....
if you want it
and he agrees to it
and you are honest about the situation with the lover
so that
there are NO LIES going on and NOTHING HIDDEN
then I say go for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): Isn't it self to want to keep your husband? whilst cheating.I think you need to give him more of an ultimatum than that, just say you are pushed to your limit. If it stops tell him he's going to lose you.How would you feel if he was out having sex with someone else.You need to fill the voids together not bring someone else on to the scene.
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