A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey Aunts, I'm currently with a guy who is almost perfect. Caring, respectful, extremely nice, cute... just one problem. We've been together almost two years and aren't very sexual. Some of it comes from me, because we were friends first and while he was getting over his ex, he would talk to me about it. I know about all their crazy sex acts and fantasy stuff. He said the sex life wasn't that great, but that it always worked for him mentally (they were apart a lot). He viewed her as a sexual object rather than a potential wife. He's not proud of his past, but feels really bad about it. We've talked a little about why he's not as sexual with me, he basically feels (he was catholic) that the stuff he used to do was dirty and wrong and sinful kind of, and not something he would want to do with the mother of his children (meaning me). We don't have kids together, but he's been clear that this is it for him, he wants me and only me. But, I need more, sexually from him and I'm starting to feel that he was maybe more attracted to her and is just using it as an excuse. I told him I like a kinky sex life and I often feel that I'm the one initiating sex. He says that he's just not one to initiate and that he doesn't view me as an object, that he cares about me. Our sex is passionate, just not frequent enough or kinky enough. He knows this is how I feel, but nothing has changed. I'm starting to get self conscious because I think that if he thinks about sex, it's linked to his ex, not me. Maybe he's getting a bit older so his drive isn't as big (he's 31)... the only thing I think his ex has over me is bigger boobs (I'm an A cup, she was D cup). All of his exes had big boobs. I've never felt self conscious about this before... what can I do? Thanks!
View related questions:
boobs, his ex, self esteem, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): Sounds like he has a madonna/whore complex. I think it's a pretty common thing with men who grew up in very religious homes. It's important you realize it has nothing to do with his attraction to you or your sex life and everything to do with the very conflicting messages he was given as a child and an adult in society in regards to sex and women. Viewing sex as dirty/wrong/sinful is definitely not a healthy thing, and he's going to have to confront these issues before you two have a fulfilling sex life. I would say see a therapist with him and do some research on the madonna/whore complex.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): It isn't your breasts, or your body otherwise. It is in his head.If you don't get this worked on together with a counselor, don't marry him, and definitely don't have kids.Because, one day, years will have passed, he will have an emotional crisis, and he will cheat on you with a woman who has big boobs and won't understand why he's doing it, probably while he and she are drinking, etc, you get the picture. Why will he cheat on you with her? Because she isn't you and doesn't remind him of you and is not important and nothing but trash in his mind. The alcohol will help him get over his hangups, but only while he is drunk.He mentally is thinking sex is dirty, sex is dirty so you do it with people you don't think much about, and in order to do it you need drugs or alcohol or someone that you don't think of as "mother material", etc, etc.I doubt his sex drive is the issue. It's his lack of understanding of what it means to have "normal" sex, which is with a loving and dedicated partner, a partner who has expectations of you as well as desires for you, and not just for a random fuck. She may be the virgin Mary in your mind, but she's still a woman who likes her world to be rocked, and some men have a major problem (some women do as well) with this. It is why men who don't want to have sex with their loving attractive wife who is the mother to their children, at home, in the comfort of their bedroom, will have sex with a drunk woman who reeks of cigarette smoke in a parking lot behind a pawn shop. It is why a woman who doesn't like to have sex that much at home, who won't give her husband oral sex, will go down on a guy who she doesn't even hardly know or knows whether he washes his hands much less his prick, in a public bathroom (filthy places) in a bar and have sex with him without contraception in a car parked outside of a warehouse.Which, you are not (a random fuck).Sex is not dirty. Sex is a wonderful part of a loving long term relationship when we are younger, and when we are older.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (29 June 2011):
 Get him to a gym. He needs to be working out regularly. He needs to Man Up. That will help your attraction to him. He simply isn't manly / aggressive enough for you. Working out will boost his testosterone levels. That will help a lot with the frequency.
Next get into couples counseling. He has some issues from the past that are inhibiting him. He needs permission to let them go. You need more understanding of what is going on in his head. Don't push him for kink, suggest maybe, you don't want to be in the same category as the ex. BTW How do you feel about being married to a Catholic?"
The boob job is not an answer. He is looking for a wife not a playmate. Dress the part.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 Sounds like he suffers from the whore/madonna complex. He views you as his future wife and potentional mother of his children, therefor he can't view you sexually.
You're "innocent" and "pure" and "Untainted" But his ex girlfriend, He viewed her as a slut, and could think of her sexually, because she was "bad."
Honestly, the problem isn't with you, or your boobs, it's with him, and this honestly sounds like a much deeper issue that therapy could help.
...............................
|
