A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend, 30:Pros: Buys me flowers. Cooks dinners time to time. Helps clean house, dishes, tends the yard. Tells me I'm beautiful almost every day and that he loves me. Always calls me. Wants marriage, babies, the works with me. Good looking. He's a hard worker. Loves his mom, loves my mom. Sex is great. Always wants to spend time with me. Cons: Battling a coke habit (will disappear at night once in a while-on average two nights a month, no phone call till the next day).He's coming out of a long life of bad choices and trying his hardest to change. He's stopped smoking pot after 18 years of chronic smoking. Smokes cigs and drinks avg. 4 beers a day. All his money goes to court payments and lawyers for trouble he got into over the years.It's hard for me to come to him when I have a problem and want to talk about it, he hates talking and gets defensive and we end up fighting and nothing is resolved. Has BAD wandering eye (stares at other girls' asses in front of me). Went to strip club last month and lied about it. He used to say vulgar, disgusting comments about other women to me, which chipped away at my self-esteem, but since I made a big deal of it, he does it less. He's cocky and I am humble. I do not do any drugs, but I'm not perfect either. Me: 25,Trying to focus on school and being a happy person, and want to work on myself and my issues, but don't want to lose him, or do i?I know nobody's perfect, but am I settling? Aren't all his great qualities what girls would kill for? But the bad stuff I put up with is so hurtful and stressful. He says I am why he wants to change. If I leave, will that really destroy his potential? I was raised very conservative, so already, I have allowed many things beyond my boundaries and standards. Is it true, once an addict always an addict? And with the strip club and Hooters - Men are visual, women are emotional. Since I am emotionaly faithful to him, shouldn't he be visually faithful to me? Since I only go to him for emotional fulfillment and no other man, shouldn't he only come to me for visual fulfillment? Is desirable exclusiveness a fairy tale? How many women would stay?
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female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (7 May 2008):
 I have to agree with most the other aunts. If it's been less than a year, it's easy to put on a mask of good behaviors and most will present their best side initially and can keep it up for quite awhile. Just be cautious about that. As far as the disappearing acts 2x per month, it definitely is a choice, he's not addicted to coke per se, but he is addicted to substances overall: combination of drinking, coke, cigarrettes and before that marijuana. He has an addictive personality definitely and one addiction will be continually substituted for another. He's pretty chronic so he'll probably stay that way as long as he feels everything he's using is "under control" and "in moderation". He also sounds like he has little impulse control which would concern me and the long history demonstrating that is more than just a "rough patch" some people go through and make mistakes. Why this is a red flag is because if something stressful happens or he gets upset or overwhelmed, this could translate in many different ways but it's hard to tell which- coke, women, drinking, breaking the law- just look at his history and that will tell you. Since he is still "numbing" through substances on a daily basis, and dependent on them, he hasn't really addressed and worked through how to solve his problems within himself, that's how people change. Right now, he has this relationship with you to focus on which is great, but once again, look at his history and see how long he usually "gets it together" before he goes off the deep-end. I think this will happen because his reason for change is for you, for the relationship, not for himself. What happens when things aren't going well in the relationship? People may disagree but I don't think once an addict, always an addict. That's not always the case but with your boyfriend, he's not made the kind of lifestyle changes that will prevent history from repeating itself. You are his new fix, so to speak. So he gave up marijuana, but now coke? That's more severe. If he's gone for a couple of days, he's binging. This is really concerning because it's a character flaw that will apply to other areas. He also gets defensive when you want to talk about important things, not good. When people make major changes in their life, positive ones, they usually like to talk about it with enthusiasm and they certainly don't get defensive.
The vulgar comments about women is another red flag. Not only does this guy have coping problems in general, but he also has arrogance, disrespect, and probably anger underlying all of it. He also probably has a chip on his shoulder from making so many bad decisions in life. This could potentially come out in ways like degrading you, making you feel bad for having made good choices, comments like "not everyone had the perfect life like you" or "you're so conservative"- things like that which will make you question your boundaries. He may also not take any blame for things that happen or put the blame on his past or other people, not on his own choices in the present. He may even try to get you to feel sorry for him because of what he's been through which is manipulation. People that have made mistakes in the past and have changed their lives don't want pity or try to evoke it in others. These are just things to watch for.
I don't think marriage and babies is a good next step and I don't think it's even realistic in the next few years.
You also mentioned that you've already compromised your standards and values being with him, yes, this would be an understatement and that tells me this relationship is not healthy for you. Leaving him will not destroy his potential and the fact that you feel that way suggests he's already made you feel responsible for him which is manipulative. If he does something wrong like spending all his money at strip clubs, he can throw it back at you by saying you were doing something that "made him feel bad" and you will just work harder to make things better for him. It's not a good deal. I don't think he'll change within your relationship and I don't really know how long he can maintain the status quo but you will have to work really, really hard just to keep things as they are if you stay in this and keep your fingers crossed that life is smooth-sailing without any major obstacles. I fear you're seeing his good potential already.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Why is it people always say? Get used too it, your guy always gonna eye up some woman in front of you. Well you shouldn't, its disrespect and yeah sure, looks are fine but STARING and making it really obvious are wrong, and going to strip clubs?? big no no, asking for trouble there. AND saying comments about those women too you?
Lay down the law, if he dosen't follow then threaten to dump him. Still dosen't clean up his act, dump him
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (7 May 2008):
 two nights a month does not in my mind constitute an addiction to coke-its a big waste of money and has law risk issues but in reality that is just a habit or choice of behaviour pattern.
the idea that addictions of any kind are unsolvable diseases is common nowadays but its horsecrap. if he wants to do coke he phones up dealers, gets with friends and chooses to do it.
wandering eye and chipping esteem directed comments i would consider far more worrying. also if he claims his good behaviours are the result of being with you, how do you know he's not just faking them to impress you. i find the idea that you need to stay with him because he might go bad again a little manipulative, and it suggests that once your in the bag all the old habits might revert.
if his values conflict with you on many levels its a bad sign irrelevant of feelings currently as this will resurface in every issue/decision for years to come (also you sound like your going to have a far more promising future than him)
ultimately its your choice but you know what they say about leopards and spots...
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A
male
reader, davie  +, writes (7 May 2008):
You're right in that no one is perfect. You need to work out whether or not you can live with his bad qualities and what your limitations are. Is he doing anything about them or will they be permenant? What things would need to change for you to feel more secure?
If he's reformed you can't hold anything against him for his money going into court payments. Does he have a plan to get over his coke habit? The cigarettes and alcohol could be what get him through not having coke so giving them up might make that harder.
Unfortunately I think most guys have a wandering eye, but for many all that is wandering is just that, the eye!
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A
female
reader, LJ001 +, writes (7 May 2008):
 He seems like such a nice guy, but with a few 'bad' qualities too.. but like everyone! Everyone has good and bad. It's just his bad are more threatening to his health or to you. Personally, I think you should tell him you need a break while he sorts himself out, because you're finding it hard to be with him at the moment. Let him know you still love him, but just feel he should sort himself out. You could also point out that if he wants babies, you can't bring them up in a home with a coke user, smoker and drinker. Maybe that will give him the kick up the backside that he needs to get moving and sort a few problems. Hope everything goes well :]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): You lost me at coke problem- do not stay with this man, unless he is actively working to overcome his coke addiction and is commited to change then his life is going nowhere. Trust me, I dated a guy who was into heavy drugs and we tried to make it work but I found out that he was stealing from me to feed his habit. Drug addicts do not care about anything more than they care about getting high. I hate to say it, but you can pretty much never trust a drug addict. He will never be able to give you the love that you deserve and you cannot depend on him or trust him so long as he is doing these drugs.
As for the rest of it- his wandering eye is the least of your problems, hun. It sounds like he has a basic lack of respect for you. Any guy can clean dishes, cook dinner, and say that you're beautiful. Don't let your perception of him be obscured by some pretty flowers- you need a stable man that you can trust if you want to get married to him.
Also: did you say that he "hates talking"? You really want to settle down with a man who refuses to help you with your problems and doesn't like to talk to you? The "pros" are so minor compared to the "cons"- you ARE settling hun for a man who clearly doesn't think you're the most beautiful woman in the world (come on, making lewd comments about other women? really? A bit immature).
It is reasonable for you to expect him to not look at other women, not all men are so "visual" that they can't stop staring at women's asses and paying women to take off their clothes for them. The visual stuff is, as I said, the least of your problems, however...
You are young and you do not need to get stuck with an emotionally immature, drug-addicted man who needs to be told that commenting on other women's bodies makes you feel inadequate (isn't that a given? I've never had a man do anything like that to me, I find it pathetic that he needed to be told not to!)... Take some time to reassess your future, where you see HIS future going, and where you want to be. Can he take you where you want to go? Does he make you feel happy? Does he make you feel beautiful, respected, and special? Will he stop taking drugs altogether?
If I were you, I would have to leave, because I would have a hard time respecting myself for putting up with that sort of crap. Drugs, strip clubs, degrading comments, yikes. You're worth so much more than this.
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