A
male
age
41-50,
*enny boy
writes:Hi, I need advice. Basically I am engaged (have been for a year now). I am working part time at my dad’s shop and generally trying to make money for the future. My girlfriend has been unemployed for about 2 years, she has tried her best to get a job but has had no luck. Her dream is to get into the police so she enrolled to get into university to do a degree in Policing. Anyway, she has got in and will start in September. Her hobby is horse riding, her granddad bought her a horse for her 21st birthday and it has now become un-ridable. She cant sell her horse so she is sending it to a sanctuary, and now she has found a couple of horses for sale and wants to lend the money from me. In my spare time I buy and sell things on the internet so keep £1200 to one side for this purpose, I also have savings that were given to me by a friend of my mum and dad’s died, this money is for when I/ we move out of my mum and dad’s house.Anyway, my fiancé is in away trying to pressure me into lending the money, I feel so much pressure because if I don’t lend the money, she cant do her hobby. Horses cost £100+ per month to keep so to me in her situation, it is impractical. She doesn’t seem to understand that I use that money for buying and selling and her attitude seems to be that I should just use abit of my savings. She has said that she could pay me back £100 per month with her university grant and loan, but that would leave me unable to buy and sell things (to make money towards the future). She’s said about when she gets into the police (which I’m sure she will) that there wont be any money worries, I feel so much pressure that I should lend it, and if I don’t, it will be remembered somehow. I have lent money in the past to her, I have paid for breaks away, last year’s holiday abroad and have just paid for a surprise holiday, which I haven’t told her about yet. I feel like the generous things that I have done are forgotten about. I am actually dreading telling her now about this holiday in case she says something like ‘I would have preferred you to have used the money/ lent the money for the horse than going on a holiday’.I haven’t got a clue what to do or what stand I should take, I just feel really down with it all. Please help!
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engaged, fiance, money, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Oh boo hoo.
Poor little baby Princess Spoiledatlot did not get her pony?
Send her back to her Mummy, Daddy and Grandad who have pampered her.
Get a girl who carries her own weight and has her priorities straight.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Wow ! Sho she dumped you over 600 pounds? ... Well, at least this shows you clearly which are her priorities.
1)money
2)horses
3)leisure
4) always having things go her way or else
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87) her boyfriend.
Let her ride away alone in the sunset.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): Is she much younger than you? Because plain and simple, she's behaving like a spoiled child.
Sit her down, and explain the realities of the situation to her. Make sure she understands that, without some capital, you can't make money - that your livelihood depends on having money in the bank, and that this cannot be considered to be 'savings', to be spent on unnecessary things, but is part of your business.
Then, try to make her realize that as a student, she'll simply not have the time or money to keep a horse.
If she persists, then maybe you need to think about walking away. Someone who can ask you to jeopardize everything you have for something that is essentially a whim is completely selfish. Whether she's behaving this way because she's simply immature, or because she's not a very nice person doesn't make that much difference. If you don't stand up to this now, what happens next time she really, really, REALLY wants something - an expensive dress, an expensive car, a house that's too much money for you both? It's important that couples are on the same wavelength financially, and I fear that, if you give her the money, you will not be getting rid of this problem, merely postponing this argument for a future date, when it might be £6000 not £600 she's after. Sure, she might earn lots of money as a policewoman one day - but equally, she might not even get into the force! You simply can't anticipate your revenue like that. She needs to learn to live within her existing means for the time being, and to be more financially prudent.
I understand that your gf may be finding it hard to get permanent work - times are tough - but there ARE still jobs out there that pay, though they're not always nice, cushy office work with great conditions and pay. Why not suggest that she gets one of these to pay the £600 if she needs it so badly? To be honest, it sounds like it would do her a world of good to work in a crappy factory, or as an agricultural labourer, or as a toilet cleaner, for a while. When she realizes how poor people have to live, day in day out, she might actually be more thankful for the blessings she does have. Therefore, why not suggest that, if she gets and keeps such a job for 6 weeks, you will match her earnings up to £300 to help her out? That would be a fair compromise - you would not look mean or tight, and she might gain experience that would be worth well beyond £300 to the pair of you as a couple.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): Bennyboy - trust your aunts and uncles here, you have had one lucky escape. If she comes back, she will still be wanting to use you financially in some way. She is financially irresponsible and no, she will not earn big money in the police force.
Yes this will hurt but believe us when we say that her calling things off has probably saved you a fortune and a lot of heartache later on. DO NOT take her back when she comes a-begging, she is NOT a good person for you.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (25 July 2011):
She doesn't sound like a very nice person OP. You have already got some good advice here so I'm just going to ad one thing.
I also once lent my (ex) fiance some money, quite a lot. Of course it then actually became a nightmare to get it back and was very difficult. When you are in a relationship and you needs the money back when she can't afford it, it leads to big rows and nasty problems which should all be avoided in the first place. I also really empathise where you are coming from when you say that you pay for things but they get forgotten about.
Please don't reconsider about lending her the money. If she is prepared to end the relationship over this issue then she isn't worth being with. You sound like a nice guy but she is trying to manipulate you.
Be strong and move on. I know that's easy to say but she's shown her true colours.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 July 2011):
 So she has broken up with you because you wouldnt give her £600? Wow.
Sorry to say this but I think you are best off without her, she is clearly using you for money and now she cant get what she wants, she is throwing her toys out of the pram. It really sounds like you are engaged to a teenager here!
I am sorry that she has reacted this way, it must be awful for you - but she sounds like a nightmare and if she hasnt appreciated all the wonderful things you have done for her in the past and is willing to throw away your relationship over £600, well she wasnt in the relationship for the right reasons anyway.
There will be plenty of girls out there who would never dream of even asking their fiance for money for something as frivolous as a horse, let alone dumping them over £600. You can do a lot better! I bet she will come crawling back maybe later today or later on this week when her tantrum is over and she realises you are still not giving in to her demands, so I guess it is up to you if you take her back or not (I'm pretty sure she will come back because she knows you have thrown money at her in the past and she can get her own way so she wont want to give that up).
My advice - you have had a lucky escape and never look back, this woman clearly uses men for money and is only happy when she gets her way, she is immature and spoilt and not what you want from a future wife. Marrying a woman like her would be a big mistake, she will drain you financially and then once all your money is gone, she will divorce you and move onto her next victim leaving you with nothing.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 July 2011):
Sorry but this is slightly comic: she is unemployed, and wants to borrow money for an expensive hobby as horseback riding from her only partially employed boyfriend ?
I am surprised you'd ever consider this loan, has anybody ever heard about delaying gratification ?
Loans and romance don't mix well anyway, and should be avoided as much as possible - but this does not even start to qualify as an emergency or a serious predicament. An hobby is a want, not a need. She can do without for a while, then buy herself a horse with her policewoman's salary.
The fact that you have some more money than just for covering your living expenses does not means she has to have authomatic, unlimited access to it. This money is, in a way, not available even to you, because it has already been earmarked for something different and objectively more important : moving out from your parent's house . At your age ,I'd say it's more important to pursue financial independence than pursuing equestrian sports .
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 What has the world come to when the unemployed can no longer afford to own their own horse...
Tough times call for tough measures, not frivolous spending.
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A
male
reader, benny boy +, writes (25 July 2011):
benny boy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for that k_c100, She has just called me saying that her grandad will lend her most of the money and now she just needs to lend £600 off me, her grandad is really making the situation worse by doing this and making me look tight. The thing is, I wouldnt just say yes on the phone because of her attitude so she's gone worse and has said that our relationship is over.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 July 2011):
Your girlfriend is being unfair here, and you are right not to want to lend the money to her. My hobby is horse riding, I work full time in a pretty good job but cant afford a horse, I know how expensive they are! Instead I have weekly lessons which is enough for me to still enjoy my hobby without the massive cost.
She is going to be a student therefore she has to make some sacrifices - she cant expect you to pick up her lifestyle just because she is at University. There are plenty of other ways she can still keep up her hobby without borrowing money from you - she could go to a riding school and have weekly lessons, most stables need helpers at weekends etc so she could even help out so she has regular contact with horses. Or she could get a horse on part loan, this takes away the cost of buying a horse and all you have to do is pay a weekly/monthly contribution towards its upkeep.
Explain to her that you love her and wish you could help, but you are only working part time in a shop and not earning enough to be able to give her the money. Explain that you are saving for your future together - for a house to move into together so you cant give up that money for the sake of a hobby she cannot afford to have. Tell her you wish it could be different and if you had the money you would help her out, but you simply cant at the moment. Explain to her that she is going to be a student so she has to expect that her lifestyle is going to change a bit and chances are with all her university work she wont have time to properly care for a horse, so perhaps it is best that for those few years at Uni she doesnt have her own horse.
Suggest to her that maybe she looks into alternative ways to be involved with horses - like riding lessons, helping out at a riding school or getting a horse on loan. And then as soon as Uni is over, she can have a horse again and all will be fine. If she brings up your savings again, and asks why you cant just use that, tell her (even if this might not be true, a little white lie wont hurt here) that they are in a bond that you cant access as they have higher interest rates on those accounts because you dont have access to your cash. If you dont want to lie - then perhaps look into getting one of those accounts and putting your money in there so neither you or her can access them for a few years. The interest is much better on those and it means you have a genuine reason why you cant give her money!
A hobby should only be a hobby if you can afford to do it - an unemployed student really should not have a horse, what would happen if the horse got really ill, she wouldnt even be able to afford the vets bill! Its not fair to the horse to have an owner that is really struggling financially, they need a lot of care and if you dont have much money, the horse's welfare will suffer.
Be strong and dont give in - she is being a bit immature asking for your money for her hobby. There are alternative ways to still be involved with horses that cost a lot less than owning one, she needs to get over herself a bit and grow up - money doesnt grow on trees and she cant wipe out your savings just because she wants a new horse. I would love a horse of my own but at least I am sensible enough to recognise that you need a lot of money to have one and I know I will have one in the future when I earn enough money.
You are in the right here - dont let her pressure you and be firm with her, she might have a tantrum and be annoyed for a while but she will get over it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Don't feel pressured to do anything. It's your money, you've worked hard to make it. If you feel you shouldn't give it to her, then don't. She knows that you need your money to keep making money, so there was no need for her to ask you. I think she should just have to deal with not riding for a while until she starts making money for herself. If she holds this against you, then maybe you want to consider holding off getting married because she would probly feel the same way you do if you asked her and she's not thinking about what you do to support her and yourself. Since you already paid for the vacation, just go with her, and if she decides to show resentment for the trip because of the horse, then maybe you could put the money for your next vacation with her into a horse for her if she hasn't found work by then. Hope I helped.
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