A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,My husband and I have been together since we were at school, now we are in our early thirties so I quite frankly don't know where to turn from here. I have always known that drink hasn't agreed with him.Some chemical in his brain just didn't mix well with it, even after one drink, I can tell it affects his personality.Trying to keep the story short. We have 2 kids. He is an amazing husband and father. I can't fault him, when he is himself, at all.However, the drink has caused major issues.Situations being -- so drunk at a wedding he nearly sent the cake flying- falling asleep outside of nightclubs on many of times- falling asleep on trains and not getting home- not knowing where he is, or what he is doingetc. etc. etc.A couple of years ago it got so bad that he drunk drove and wrote his car off. A hefty fine and a license lost - but a wife still here.I said this was his last chance, but obviously, he did it again. Slept outside a nightclub, lost his phone and didn't come home, I forgave and supported him through AA, but it gradually fizzled out and it all started again.During this time, mentally I have been distancing myself, protecting me for what could potentially happen in the future.Obviously, he does it again, this time him being out since midday, I received a call 12 hours later saying 'I have your husband asleep outside in -6, I will bring him home to you'. This poor man carried him into our house, whilst he threw up everywhere telling me how much he hates me. Meanwhile I am trying to keep the girls asleep upstairs, so they don't see him like this.Come morning he acts normal, like he hasn't done anything... this happens after every event! I am so dumbfounded that he could ever act like this?!I told him this was it, I wanted to split up, but for some reason he still isn't getting it..? Not understanding why I don't want to talk or look at him anymore. Is this denial or what?I have no idea.Please can someone help me explaining that I don't want this anymore. It's so gutting when he is perfect in every other way.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (24 December 2022):
 He doesn't "get it" because you have threatened this is "the last time" so many times but not followed through. He thinks he can carry on like this indefinitely.
You have to make plans and carry then through. If you keep doing the same thing - threatening but not doing anything about it - you will keep getting the same results.
Do you have anywhere you can take the children? Family or friends? Then you need to instigate divorce proceedings and carry them through. You cannot let your children think this is acceptable behaviour because they will then put up with similar bad behaviour from future partners.
Yes, it will be hard, but not as hard as what you are being subjected to at the moment. I'm so sorry.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2022): He acts like nothing ever happened, because he's a blackout-drunk; and he really doesn't remember.
Children should not be subjected to drug-addicted or alcoholic-parents. You're an adult, and you can't even handle it! It sends all the wrong messages to developing-children; and you don't have a stable household, or a reliable co-parent. All your nights are spent wondering where he is, what he's doing, and in what condition will he return home? Your life is spent protecting your children from seeing him like that.
He will eventually, if he hasn't already, lose his job. You will have to be the sole-breadwinner; and the only dependable and stable parent. You can do that on your own! Without subjecting the children to something as traumatic as seeing their own father staggering and incoherently drunk!!! Drinking means more to him than anything else. He has had several relapses; and has faced no consequences. Not even fines and loss of property has deterred him. He has broken the law, and could have killed somebody! If you do crimes, and don't get punished, what's to stop you? If you destroy the lives of everyone around you, and there are no consequences or losses, what's to stop you?
You have to stop making idle-threats, and he has to face serious consequences. He will either end-up dead, killing somebody, hurting you, or your children. Emotionally, he has already injured you deeply. Don't let things progress to the point where you're blaming yourself; or you're full of regrets for not resorting to the best action in protection of the children, and yourself. If you don't do something about this, a well-meaning bystander can alert child-protection authorities, and remove your children from your home; because you can't bring yourself to do what's necessary. Not to scare you, or add pressure; but to alert you to all the facts to be considered here. The children may know more than you may think.
He isn't your husband anymore; he now belongs to the bottle. The bottle is killing-off your husband, and a drunk is taking his place. You can't love him any less, but your love is for your husband; not that drunk who is trying to replace him.
You have to legally-separate, and make him live away from your children. He has to pay child-support; and contribute financially to the household away from home, until he is fully sober. That is not a negotiable condition.
If he can't maintain sobriety, it should end in a divorce. You and your children deserve better, my dear.
It's heartbreaking, and I will surely pray for all of you. I'll pray for God's divine intervention; and that your husband realizes what he's got to lose. He won't realize it, until he actually has to face it. Only God can save a man like that, not your love. If you practice faith, worship, and prayer; now is the time to do it with all your heart, soul, and mind. Seek comfort and spiritual-counseling through your faith ministry; and you need to go to family-therapy for professional-counseling for yourself, and your children. If you don't believe in God, please get the professional family-counseling and therapy. Save yourself and the children, if you can't save him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2022): Tell him that he has a choice - you or alcohol. Make him go to a doctor and get signed up for therapy. If he refuses then you have to protect yourself and your kids. It's clear he has an addiction but he needs to take responsibility for this and get help for it. Tell him you will support him but only if he gets the therapy otherwise you have no choice but to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2022): You don't need to "explain " him anything. You need to show him. Talk with your actions, not with your words. I am sure that along thevyears you have wasted tons of words on him telling how bad he makes you feel and how wrong and irresponsible of him is keeping drinking when he clearly can't handle it blah blah blah, has it made any difference ? No it does not.
He does not believe you because you have tolerated all this for years. He screws up , you scold him, he repents and promises to stop drinking ,then he drinks again. Rinse and repeat.He thinks you are bluffing ( you probably are ).
The moment you mean business, you just "do " things , like putting him out and changing the locks, and serving him his divorce papers. He'll believe you then.
You want to avoid leaving him ? Why ? I mean, you say that other for this little quirk he is the perfect husband and the perfect father. But to be brutally honest, this affirmation is even slightly amusing to the impartial observer.A perfect father such a shining example of ...drunk driving ? Yeah, nice skill to teach your children. A perfect husband one who lies through his teeth by promising things that he cannot do and does not want to do ? ..
Yeah I get it that nonetheless you love him, but by now you have realized that he is not going to change, so you should take things seriously - and if you can't tolerate this sad state of things, then do not actually tolerate it anymore !
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (23 December 2022):
 I think that you have to draw the line somewhere, he can't keep acting like he is in his late teens, it is not fair on you or your kids to keep on putting up with this behaviour.
I am not suprised that you don't want this anymore, and you should not feel bad for feeling this way.
I suggest having a conversation with him and telling him that you can't go on like this and that he needs to seek some professional help as by the sounds of it if he could be bordering on alcoholism. Also drinking to the extent he does there are health factors to consider.
I think if he is not willing to admit that he has a problem and seek help then you should consider seeking legal advice and leaving this relationship. there is no way that you should have to put up with this behaviour any longer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 December 2022):
 " It's so gutting when he is perfect in every other way."
No one is perfect, OP
However, YOU have to decide when you have had enough.
Maybe (and I normally don't agree with ultimatums) you need to GIVE him an ultimatum. HE stops drinking and gets help OR you and the kids are done with him.
"I told him this was it, I wanted to split up, but for some reason, he still isn't getting it..? "
Oh, he DOES get it. But he thinks you are full of hot air. You have stuck it out so far, you will stay.
One thing you CAN do is NEXT time FILM him and then next day show it to him. If that isn't a wake-up call, I don't know what is.
I'd be done too, no need to drag this out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2022): Your husband is an alcoholic. YOU can't help him.
You need to leave and protect your children and yourself.
The booze is not the problem HE IS!
What you describe is a fairly typical behavior for hard drunks.
As long as you stay he won't change.
Maybe if you leave he'll get some help.
All addicts have "a sad story to tell". Parents who didn't love them, abuse... whatever. But the point is they wreak havoc in other people's lives.
My husband was addicted to "anger outbursts". I remember my shrink telling me that she too was convinced that he would never Hury me on purpose BUT when chair's start flying or bottles I could get hurt by accident. He looked for help after I had left him. It took him a year to get his act together. It took us almost two years to get back together. It was hard. For both of us. But it was the only way.
Unfortunately the less damaged partner is always more responsible for what happens in a relationship. That's you. Make a move.
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