A
female
age
26-29,
*isGirl0516
writes:Okay so….First of all, I live in a 4 bedroom household with 7 people including myself. Me and my husband in one room, my daughter in her own room, my sister and brother in law in the third room and my mother and 7 year old sister in the 4th room. We live all together due to my daughter having cancer and they moved with us to make things easier such as bills and helping with appointments since my husband and I work full time. Keep up with me okay…so my sister and brother in law and myself and my husband take care of bills. My mother does not work due to not being able to but she helps a lot with cooking, cleaning and getting things done for us so we have a system basically.Back in August, my 18 year old sister decided she wanted to go to a University about 2.5 hours away. Before making this decision, my other sister (the one that splits bills with me) told her if you leave you do realize you don’t have a car, so you can’t get a job outside of campus…and well we can’t be helping you all the time. So we told her to stay and keep working and start basics at the college here where we live and then later once she had a car to move around in she should definitely consider moving to that university. Well the 18 year old decided that she still wanted to go, and ended up leaving in August. She did get a job on campus but does not get paid very well, it’s minimum wage with very little hours but if you manage your money right you can definitely make it for essentials and snacks. She gets a food card for like 16 meals a week and She lives on campus in the dorms. We kept telling her to save her money since she had started asking us for money here and there. When she came down for Thanksgiving break, we noticed that she had been buying new shoes and clothes and things like that. So I kind of got annoyed about it, like you’re not managing your money because you’re shopping. She didn’t even cover her cellphone that she has on our family plan, and my other sister is the one that turns in that money. Well she covered the 18 year olds bill because she didn’t want to bring it up to my mom because my mom gets really defensive when it comes to my 18 year old sister, I assume because she feels bad for her. But I am at a point where this is just the first semester and you obviously are struggling due to poor money management. I argue with my mom about it quite a lot, I have a baby on the way due Jan 3rd so I definitely can not be helping her out. She came for Christmas vacation but that’s literally another mouth to feed, more things being used, she wants to go to the gym and she got a job at Chuck E. Cheese but never covers gas.Am I being to harsh? I just feel she made a decision to go to school and I think that’s great but she just wasn’t ready car wise, she can’t even get a decent job to cover herself financially. So it’s kind of selfish in my eyes that we have to sort of carry her weight on our shoulders just because she wanted to be more free from my mom. Any advice would be appreciated. I love my sister guys, and I have always done anything for them but when is enough enough?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2022): P.S.
Make sure your younger sister is keeping up her grades; so she can qualify for scholarships or grants. If things get too tough, you should cut-off money for frivolous purchases; and suggest she attend a local college part-time. Meanwhile, she should maintain employment; even if it would only be part-time.
Don't fault your sister for giving her a little extra spending money. You seem to be totally resistant and oblivious to the fact your sister is still a kid!
You need to have a family-discussion, without harsh criticism and judgement; on how you can work things out better, while your younger-sister is attending college. It's good that she is seeking higher-education; and didn't just go out get pregnant, or get held-up or shacked-up with some no-good boyfriend. Things, definitely could be worse. I repeat, she is still only 18!
Stop arguing with everybody. Take a load off yourself. You're pregnant and hormonal! You've got a full-term baby leaning on your kidneys, and killing your back. You've probably got swollen feet and ankles. God bless you, child! You bear a lot on your own very young shoulders; but give yourself and your teenage-sister some room to breathe. She could turn for the worse, and start to resent you for what many her age would consider stealing the best times of her life from her.
You grew-up faster than she did. Was it by choice, or necessity?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2022): My dear, why are you expecting a teenager to be moneywise and practical? They are going to be kids, because psychologically and physically you're not fully mature until you're about 25!
She is still affected by peer pressure, she is on campus among other young-people who dress according to the latest trends; and she wants to look attractive to the guys. Regardless of which college she attends. It's unfortunate she can't afford a car, but you're forgetting how young she is! It is apparent, you married and started a family pretty young. You've taken on a lot of responsibility for someone your age. For sure! Were you prepared for this? What would you do without their help? You're expecting a lot.
College is a new experience for her; so don't expect someone at her age to be as reasonable and responsible as you are. I truly understand the seriousness of your current financial situation; but she isn't at fault for how things have turned-out for you. The family is chipping-in as a loving and reliable support-group. Not that you are entitled to that; but because that's what a loving and caring family should do.
Please don't take this the wrong-way; but you are having another child amidst a very dire financial situation; while someone who was more "moneywise" may have waited before another pregnancy. Be reasonable! Sometimes being practical and responsible isn't as cut and dry as we'd like things to be.
I do agree with you, that she is being selfish; but she is also entitled to enjoying her youth. She is not married, and she doesn't have children. It is age-appropriate for her to make bad decisions, considering people twice her age still live at home with their parents; and so many these days screw-up on the grand scale. They even return home with kids and a load of debt! Who's to blame? Blaming and judging others is easy. You also have to stop and place yourself in their shoes. She's too young to switch places and know you pain; because she has no life-experience and little real responsibility. Except for that which you have imposed upon her. She still needs parental-consent!
Be a little more forgiving and patient with your sister; because life handed you a special responsibility, where others are offering their love and support out of the kindness of their hearts. Do you think they'd rather be in this situation than having their own lives to live? They could otherwise be going about their own lives, and letting you make out as best you can. How often do you read DC? You are blessed to have a loving-family who are making the personal-sacrifice to come together and be by your side, and at your assistance, during these trying times. I offer prayers for you, your child, and your family.
I can also read between the lines. I know you love your sister deeply. You also feel a little guilty that you can't offer her more, and wish she could have more. Seeing her struggle to be normal tugs at your heart; and makes you feel you're expecting more from her and others than you should. Her irresponsibility and trying to be a normal kid makes you feel all the more sorry for her. That's what upsets you so much!
You're not at fault. These are the cards life dealt you.
It is what it is, and you need them all. Only, they are still entitled to enjoy some quality of life, even in light of the circumstances. Many families would just move-away, or abandon you. Yours are entitled to be a little "selfish;" because children have to have a childhood, everyone has to have a life. Everyone has their own problems in life to deal with. If the shoe was on the other foot, and it was your younger-sister with a child fighting cancer. How sure are you that you'd be willing to forgo the school you wanted to attend, to go without nice clothes or shoes, and look shabby on a college campus full of people all dressed in trendy and fashionable clothes?
You don't really know what you'd do in a reversed situation; because that isn't the reality. The point to be made here, is that you would likely be the same. If not worse! Even if you were the perfect selfless-teenager, who would give-up everything for your family; everyone isn't the same. She is learning, and you are her role-model. Cut her some slack, but keep her on the right track. Too much pressure will frustrate her, and make her resentful. She will find ways to escape the pressure and poverty. Then you'll really have problems!
Your mother can apply for social security disability, or other assistance; if her situation qualifies her for help. If pride, or a disdain for help from the government places a bad-taste in your mouth, about getting assistance through social programs. Then maybe you'll have to struggle the best you can; but be careful about placing too heavy of a responsibility on an 18 year-old girl. I won't make excuses for selfishness, but it's all strictly voluntary; and she is a bit young to be a martyr, willing to give-up the freedom and happiness of her youth, for a situation that is in no way her fault.
I wish you a safe and Happy Holiday. May your New Year be prosperous, and may the good Lord heal your child. I wish you all the best.
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female
reader, HisGirl0516 +, writes (23 December 2022):
HisGirl0516 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you for your advice first of all.
My mom only gets assistance for the youngest child, she’s 8. Aside from that we help her with the 8 year old and anything my mom needs.
Yeah same thing we thought, she could have gone to the college in town and started basics just to atleast save for a car that can get you to and from a decent paying job. But I know she wanted the freedom that comes with college, like going out and things like that without my mom getting on her about it. It was just more convenient for her.
At this point, yes we need to sit her down and give her a little eye opener because this was only the first semester. I can’t imagine 5 more to go.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 December 2022):
 Your sister isn't YOUR responsibility financially, 18 or not. She is your mothers. (and her dad's - if there is one in the picture).
If your mom can't work, does she get any assistance? And if she does, where does that money go?
I don't blame your 18-year-old for wanting to experience what other young people do. However, she was only thinking of herself. No one else. (which again, kinda typical for a teenager)
My middle kiddo is off at Uni she could have chosen a uni/college closer (right down the road in fact) and just done that last 2 years (of her 4-year degree) fully covered but no, she wanted to "university experience". So, she will have some debt when she is done. Versus having no debt.
She works ALL summer, she works now for Christmas break and she will be working over Spring break too. It covers her room and board.
But she knows she is fully responsible for the loans, her grades, etc. We DO pay for her phone, and health insurance.
She managed to get the second-highest scholastic scholarship due to having 3.8 GPA and that cut her tuition in half so less money she has to take out for loans.
Her younger sister is doing the first 2 years (she got a full ride) at the local college and will have enough money to do HER additional 2 years paid for.
You all (or one of you) need to sit her down and budget with her. You need to let her know what YOU guys can/will help with and what is on her 100%. The rest is up to her.
You have a child sick with cancer! And she is swanning around thinking only about herself?
You ask when is enough, enough. when you CAN'T afford it.
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