A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just found out my boyfriend is going to a party and he didn't invite me. It's not the first time this has happened, really.We have been together for over a year and I think we should go to parties together! (I ALWAYS invite him to my parties because I know it upsets him when I go on my own).He is going with his friends. He did invite me once to a party with them and I did notice he drinks quite a lot when he is around them.I know I should trust him but it hurts my feelings and I can't help but wonder why he doesn't invite me... we are a couple, couples go to parties together, right?I read the invitation to the party (on Facebook), and there will be a lot of alcohol and girls, so I don't know :( It upsets me so much because I have talked about this to him before...I do understand that guys need to spend some time with their friends and I am completely fine with it when he wants to go out with them to a bar, or go over to their house to have a couple of beers. But a party is completely different.I think he is being disrespectful by doing this... What should I do? Talking to him never works.
View related questions:
facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 Invite yourself. You are his girlfriend, of course you should go. You and him haven't talked about how you must absolutely NOT go to parties together, so I doubt he'll be able to offer a real reason for why you can't come along.
Next time you see him tell him casually that you're trotting along to the party, what time you are leaving, and if you should bring any drinks etc. Then hear what he has to say.
I don't know what your boyfriends issue is.. there could be many reasons behind this, some more innocent, and others not so innocent. From my own experience: I once had a boyfriend who was a bit clingy and dependent on me. I was used to going to parties alone, before I entered the relationship, and his constant hanging over my shoulder at parties annoyed me. I also ended up in fights with him constantly when drinking, because he got dumb when he drank. Like going home without telling me, taking my house keys with him, leaving the house keys at parties when we went out clubbing, you name it. He was annoying to party with. Great dancer, but annoying. So I would tell him he could come along, but the deal was that either he doesn't drink or I don't drink (couldn't both be drinking at the same time) AND he was on his own. I'd take him with me to the parties, but I'd talk to other people, and he had the responsibility to take care of himself and meet people on his own.
I know, I was a wee bit cruel back then. But that's just how it was with me and him. I'd not ignore him at parties, but I didn't give him special attention either, which most expect when at parties with their partner. So maybe your boyfriend is thinking he wants to be "free" and not having to sit with you all night long and always think about you, having to check in with you, to see if you are okay, and make you happy etc. Maybe he just thinks you can't be independent at these parties.
Another option is that he think you are boring to party with? Maybe you bring down his mood? Maybe you and him party in different styles and he doesn't feel like you fit in? Again, could come down to him wanting to be free from you when he goes to have fun, and if he drinks more than you maybe he feels you are "watching him" and will confront him about stupid drunk behaviour later. Better then to not have you around.
Or maybe he thinks you are a jealous person who will read too much into him talking friendly with other ladies? Even if it is harmless? I once smacked a boyfriend across the cheek while drunk at a party because he was getting too close to another woman, and it looked like he was making out with her. They were just hugging. I know, again, I'm a total dickhead it seems! I've learned from my mistake though. But you and him are young, and you might not have learned these things already, and he's afraid something might happen?
The only way to find out is to go along to the parties. Invite yourself. Have a laugh at the parties. If you feel terrible or bored at the party then go home, alone, and let him stay to enjoy himself. I think the clue here is to go with him as your own person, and not as a unit.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 I agree it sounds disrespectful especially if he is trying to give you the impression that you are very special to him, in his nicer moments.
But he is not yet willing to give up being a footloose and fancy free bachelor.
And worse, he wants to go alone.
He does not want to proudly attend the party and proudly introduce you to everyone at the party as "his girlfriend"
And it is not the first time it has happened. So there is a pattern happening. And unsettling pattern.
Look at your actions and his actions.
when you are invited to a party you invite and attend with him to the party you are invited to. I hope he does behave respectfully when he attends these parties.
Does he like your friends? Are your friends nice to him? Does he seem to get on well with your friends?
So you DO show him respect
and you do demonstrate to the world that you are proud of him
Whereas when he is invited to a party he "forgets" to invite you too. He attends without you.
How well do you get on with his friends? Do you feel comfortable with his friends? Are they respectful to you? I do Hope so.
And yet he has the nerce to get upset if you attend a party without him? Is this some sort of payback on his part? Is that the reason he has not invited you? Has be explained himself over this??
He did invite you to one party and you noticed that the people there drank a lot of alcohol. Perhaps he is embarassed to allow you to see that side of his friends? Did he get an impression that you disapporoved?
He can be in no doubt about how you feel as you have talked this over with him before. So he thinks NOT inviting you is still preferable to inviting you, despite your previous discussions. So it is deliberate on his part. He cannot make out he did not realise that this is important to you. And there is no doubt that you are hurt over this and you do (justly) feel disrespected over this slight.
And yes I agree that some guy nights are inevitable. And even an occasional guy weekend fishing or whatever is the passion of the guys.
what is screaming out to me is that he still wants to still be the bachelor and live the life of a bachelor while he can. With girls, parties, single guys and as much alcohol as he can manage and thr freedom of no restrictions.
Then he wants to come back to his girl friend as if nothing happened.
He cannot have it both ways. You do not want nor need to be with him 24/7.
But he should explain his rationale more fully to you. And show you more respect and be more open with you about why he is excluding you from these parties.
Absolutely Nothing untoward may be happening.
he may just want to experience a little more freedom before he settles down.
So he is a little conflicted.
But if he was truly and completely committed to you then he would not be demonstrating this conflict.
Talk to him.
Find out how committed he is to you and to the relationship the two of you share.
explain now you feel disrespected and do not let him minimise nor dismiss your feelings.
He does need to be honest to you
...............................
|
