A
female
age
41-50,
*gneta
writes:Hi! I have been here before but it was now some time ago. I met a very nice man about 2 years ago and things went fine for quite some time but then I started not wanting to have sex, even feeling very bad about having it. This had happened in previous relationships too when I have been with someone enough time to get more close. It works fine in the beginning but then it fades out and eventually I almost hate it. This time I didn't want this to happen the same way so I decided to tell him about some sexual assaults that happened to me during childhood and as a young adult. I wanted him to know it was not about him and that I wanted to work on it having him with me so that we could have it good together in the future. At first he took it all well but after a couple of days he couldn't handle his feelings about it anymore and now says I have lied to him, that I am not who he thought I was (I also told him about security issues that I over the years have managed to master so fine it is really hard to know I have them). And that he doesn't want to be with a person so insecure and with such problems that I have. I have to fix this (alone) or he will leave me, he said. How could it all be about his feelings now and not about helping me? Have I gone completely mad to think this is strange? Have you any experiences from this, could it be that he changes again after having processed this? We had it very good otherwise and he always used to tell me I was the love of his life. For 2 years? I am so confused now. And he seems to be too.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 October 2015):
 Yes, your update popped up after I posted my answer - sometimes timing is a little off :)
What you been through is not a small matter, but it's also a matter many many men (especially) don't want to deal with or rather can't handle. It's not like a broken leg where it will heal in time and be as good as new. This has and will affect you for a life-time. Nothing (really) he can do to "make" it go away. Nothing YOU can do to "make" it go away.
It takes guts for you to deal with this and to share it with your SO. And if HE can't be there as a support for you is he really a good partner long term?
You have to make this about YOU.
And I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. Keep working on that.
A
female
reader, Agneta +, writes (19 October 2015):
Agneta is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your feedback, Honeypie. I understand you probably wrote it before my update was posted, where I clarify a bit about going to therapy for example. I go to therapy already, which is what made me able to at all talk about it. But nevertheless you are absolutely right in your point that this is nothing you can just throw at anybody else and expect them to solve for you, you always have to do your own work. And I started that process already. Rigshospitalet i great and I am glad you put it but I found help already in a private clinic, which is also good. It was this therapist who advised me to talk about it with my boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 October 2015):
I don't think he wants to leave you because of what you have shared with him, but because you are STILL reliving it. THAT won't change for you, unless YOU do something about it. YOU really need to get help for the past traumatic events. HE can't fix this. By telling you that YOU need to get help, he IS trying to help you. But staying with you and watching you relive your past is NOT helping you.
HE is a normal healthy man in his 30's. If you two HAD a sex life and then you pulled a switch on him (first having sex pretending all is well, till he has fallen for you, and then the switch with, I don't want sex no more) it's not really fair on EITHER of you. He isn't RESPONSIBLE for your past. And he CAN NOT fix what happened to you. Your insecurities are YOURS, he is correct - the only one who can WORK on them are you.
Though, NO ONE should pressure another person to have sex if they can't handle sex - but that is NOT what he is doing. He is telling you - YOU need help and he WANTS more than just a semi platonic friendship. That means you two really aren't compatible.
I'd also like to mention that many people (not just men) don't know how to "be" around someone who have been through hell and back, and YOU have. They feel helpless.
Do yourself a favor (not for HIS sake, but for yours) FIND a good therapist/counselor who specialize in abuse/sexual assaults .
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På Rigshospitalets sexologiske klinik er der mulighed for anonym hjælp og rådgivning om, hvilke behandlingsmuligheder, der findes. Du kan kontakte klinikken på tlf. Tlf: 38 64 71 50???.
http://dialogmodvold.dk/
Get yourself the HELP you need. If he can't stick around and be your support, that is ON HIM, not you.
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A
female
reader, Agneta +, writes (19 October 2015):
Agneta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your feedbacks. We do have sex, what happens is that he of course notices that I don't feel very good about it anymore.I do go to therapy since some time which is the reason I could even detect what was happening, before I just thought that well, I guess I lost interest in this guy then, and we had a break-up. He knows I am in therapy for this and that it is the therapy that led up to me at all being able to understand and talk to him about it. I understand that he felt lured, as WiseOwlE says, and I guess that is exactly what has happened even though it hasn't been so conscious from my side at the times and this is what the therapy has been about. To detect this and to change. I really do want to have good sex with someone I love, of course, so that is not the issue that I want somebody to accept an order without sex. I want too!It seems now though that after having calmed down a bit he sees this and he has started to support me again, even saying he was sorry for his reaction, that it all chocked and overtook him so much only. So there is hopes for us. Thank you for being around when I felt so lonely, sad and discouraged.I also wanted to say to anonymous female that I feel for you and what happened to you. I hope you can put it behind you and live normal again. This is how I feel about my situation, bring it out and let it be something you can look upon in the future like ok, that happened then, it was bad and sad, but now is now and that is not the same and now is good. Many hugs from me to you, anonymous female.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): I personally feel very sorry for you, what an awful thing to go through. However you say you've entered relationships and had the same outcome before liking sex and then feeling guilty. So here in lies the issue. You are aware of what has happened in prior relationships but seemingly done nothing about it. Having a relationship which does not involve sex is perfectly fine, and getting the professional help for the trauma you suffered is also absolutely fine. However you need to have a relationship with someone who wants the same sort of relationship as you do. This guy and you I'm afraid are not on the same page. I think the main issue here is the lack of trying to get help. I'm sure he's not such an awful person that if you were seeking the help he would still up and leave but if you don't want to change then that's fine but why should you make him change?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): If you've been a victim of sexual-assault and abuse; before you enter relationships with men, you must undergo therapy. To help you with your aversion to sex, and your post traumatic-stress resulting from that abuse.
You know that adult romantic-relationships may require sex; and you repeatedly enter them knowing the outcome. You speak well of the guy, but your description of his reaction is quite contradictory. He has every right to leave, if he isn't happy with the terms of the relationship. If he wants sex in the relationship, he should be with someone who wants the same.
You shouldn't force yourself; or it would be like reliving the assaults allover again. Being submissive against your will.
I think you should seek psychological-therapy and counseling for your trauma from sexual-assault; in order that you can deal with mature relationships. Otherwise; you're going to have to keep your relationships purely platonic with men. It is highly unlikely a healthy straight male will agree to these terms, realistically. Thus you pretend you're okay just to have intimacy; then you can't handle the physical aspect of it.
Befriend a nice gay-male for companionship. There is no sexual-tension or pressure. He will be as accommodating to your need for affection, but respectful of all your emotional boundaries and restrictions. You need professional-help; if you are unable to fully function within a romantic-relationship with a man. Especially, if your trauma runs so deep that you hate sex! You may even consider dating more mature, but attractive men; who aren't so sexually-demanding.
The way those men in your past may see it; you're basically using sex to lure men in, then you change on them. That can be pretty dangerous. You have to be careful.
I suggest you let him go. Postpone potentially intimate relationships with men; until you can get the treatment you so desperately need. Before pushing yourself into very traumatic situations. Continuing on with this cycle of behavior will only exacerbate psychological, emotional, and physical trauma already deeply ingrained from a painful past. One you have yet to get-over. You can't treat a healthy sexually-active "boyfriend" like a "friend."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): Nobody should try and put pressure on you to have sex and you don't have to have sex if you start to feel bad about it. But from your question I'm guessing that you used to have sex with him but now you don't want to anymore. It is a little unfair on him if he is used to something and you're now changing the way you are, through no fault of your own, but it's still a change in the relationship.I was raped a few years ago and my partner wasn't at all supportive. Trying to get some support off people that have never gone through it is difficult sometimes. Its pointless talking to men about things like this, not all men, but it would be better to try and talk to others in your circumstances, family or friend.He shouldn't have to stay in a relationship without sex if he doesn't want to and at least he's being honest with you. If you want him to stay and you love each other you need to try and get help with the issues you have rather than just expecting him to support your need for abstaining from sex and never trying to do anything about it.Go to counselling anyway, even if you never want to have sex again, you would have to be in a relationship with somebody else who is understanding and can live without sex.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (18 October 2015):
 Well, what have you done to fix this? It is unfair to make him live like a monk if you aren't doing anything to alleviate the problem.
You could start with your family doctor. You could consider counselling. There must be all manner of avenues to explore. The choice may depend upon whether your problem is physical mental or both.
He may in fact be putting some pressure on you to take some action. I think that if he learned you were actively trying to get help then he would be more patient.
If he isn't then you probably need to find someone who will be.
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