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One of my Dad's friend's sexually molested me while I was sleeping-not sure if my parents will believe me. What should I do?

Tagged as: Forbidden love, Friends, Sex, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 January 2006) 30 Answers - (Newest, 7 March 2010)
A female , anonymous writes:

please help.i dont know who to ask about this...my parents often have big parties with many of their friends. its always very "uppity" and full of people i cant stand. everyones always drinking, and quite often since there are many spare rooms in my house, many people will stay over. well last weekend i was asleep around 1:30am, when i heard fumbling at my door. i got out of bed assuming someone was just trying to walk into the wrong room (which also often happens). so i openend the door to find one of my dads best friends, who is around 38 (im guessing close to my dads age) and i am 16. well he was completely drunk, and could hardly stand. he ended up passing out right on my floor. i decided since i couldnt lift a 200lb man, id leave him there until morning. there was no one around at the time, as most were either in the basement still partying or sleeping. so all was fine, i went to sleep..until about 3:00am when i felt someone rubbing my breasts. i got scared, and he shushed me. so i was trying to stay quiet, when he began to rub over my panties. he rubbed, and even though i didnt want it to happen, i got turned on. so my panties got wet, and i believe he took this as a reason to continue further. i was so tired and didnt know what to do. so then i felt his hand run under the waistband, and he slid them off and he molested me. I was drifting in and out of sleep, and at times I thought i was dreaming. i was really scared at that point because I let this all happen, and it was my first time anyone has touched me and it felt good. but i know it was wrong. im scared because what if he wants to do it again? and i cant tell my parents! first of all they wont care, and second they probably will just say "oh he was drunk" and leave it at that. there will be another party on the upcoming weekend, and i have no where to go? please, what do i do?

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A male reader, sergon777 Canada +, writes (7 March 2010):

This is a serious issue, do not let the problem slide just because he was "drunk", that is just an excuse for him and for you not to stop him. First try and tell someone you know will listen, i recommend a sibling (older), or your best friend. Next try and tell your parents, if they do not listen to you or do not take you seriously, go to the main problem, and confront him, if he has no recollection of what happened give him a warning not to go near you ever again. Buy a lock, maybe a security camera, for your room as evidence; if for next time he does get in. And finally, fight back, just because you are home does not mean you are free from danger (especially with your parents), carry a weapon; like my friend she sleeps with a can of pepper spray right next to her. If nothing else works take the law out of your parents hands and into your own, call the police, your parents may not like having police "monitor" your home regularly, but if it helps you feel safe, that is all that matters; that is their job after all. I hope for the best in your problem, and for maximum results try staying over at a friend's house during these weekend parties.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010):

Well, your parents don't sound very good if they won't believe you. Tell them! That's really serious. The next time that "friend" comes over, lock your door before you go to sleep, and don't let anyone in. If someone knocks ask who is it. If they say its mom or its dad let them in.

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A female reader, blue_heron93 United States +, writes (8 January 2010):

I know this is hard for you. Something similar happened to me. You have to try to tell your parents. If they don't believe you, or they pass it off as he was drunk (as my parents did), then just lock your door from now on. Also, try telling the cops. They might not get him put in jail, but they could protect you from future attacks.

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A male reader, sillyrabbit United States +, writes (12 December 2009):

At your age I'm sure you already know that it wasn't your fault, but bless those that seem to think you're 10.

You might want to talk to the guy that violated you and let him know that he is one lucky SOB that you're going to be cool, but should he get "Lost" on his way to bed again, the police will be the ones waking him up in the morning.

You might even ask him not to attend another party for awhile. If this hasn't totally messed you up and you want to continue this, I would seriously reconsider that idea. Should there be a next time, and I hope there is no repeat, but if a guy tells you to "hush" tell him, "Ok but not when I call your wife/gf/cops."

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A female reader, Xxprqueen140Xx United Kingdom +, writes (27 November 2009):

You HAVE to tell your parents. youre gonna think its embarrasing bt if they love you like any parent loves their child theyll beleive you. im very sorry this happened to you but if you tell them it will benifit you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009):

you must tell your parents!! If they are good parents they will stop this so called family friend from doing this to you ever again! Drunkeness does not excuse him but he might use it as an excuse, however he should not have done this!

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A male reader, Flourishing Father Ireland +, writes (11 September 2009):

Your story disturbs me greatly and very sad that your parents would treat this very lightly.

You could be scarred emotionally which could effect your relationship with someone you may like

You need to speak to your doctor / check for any sexually transmitted diseases

Lay a charge of sexual assualt on the perpetator

Speak to a counsellor and also Dr Phil gives sound advice

You are entitled to a happy productive life and no-one has the right to abuse you in any way

Fear prevents us from doing so many things we want to do

If you have not done any of the above

"DO IT NOW" as these demons will haunt you for he rest of your life

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009):

Well i think you should tell your mom and dad and if nothing is done and they just pass it off as them being drunk then i would put some extra locks on your door and before you go to bed make sure they are locked and just in case get some mace and spray it in their eyes if they do get in

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008):

shit grl, if ur parents dont care or say he was just drunk, they r the worst parents ever! sory 2 say that but its true.

Tell them and i they dont do anything, tell the police with out ur parents promition. If they not gonna care then the police need 2 b informed.

No matter how embareesing u know or think it will b, this an not stay secret no matter wat.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008):

unfortunately, this is as sad as it gets...

if a girl is pretty:

first she has to survive from being abused or molested by her family members, whether they be close or distance.. you name it cousin brothers, uncles distant relatives are all gonna try to do something if they can..

second, at school, boys are gonna be chasing her and are gonna do every trick in the book from.. declaring their love, dating, peer presure to do everything, pride.. and then come the parties.. your invited to a house party you get tipsy and the guys have sex with you.. its happened to so many of my friends.. worse is when a guy tells a girl, who you trust, to come to a strangers party or house just so he can do her..

third: now she's at college and again more guys are gonna want her if she's not already taken.. some freaks have dated one girl only to let his mates have sex with her to..

fourth: university - here anything can happen.. as a girl tries to reinstate herself in a good social crowd and wanting to be seen to be enjoying uni life.. guys lerk to seak out their prey and beleive me the amount of girls that are raped, is massive. casual sex relationships don't help either..

fifth: ok so now she's got a job, in a office, now she has to deal with the world at large.. now she has the male work colleagues after her and christmas is any excuse for guys to have her including her boss.

its not such a good life for a girl never mind beautiful girl.. this world is evil and the dark secrets us girls have carry in our thoughts and the mulitple bad experiences are sometimes too much to bare.. but that is i guess why God has made us much stronger emotionally than men to take as much pain and survive.

good luck girls.. try to be careful and try to help each other

xix

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008):

This happened to my girlfriend.

she was raped by her father and all of his friends.

she does not know what to do and the family just call her a slag. Effectively, she was led into prostitution and drugged most of the time, this all happened between the age of 16 and 19. Now, she is with me and the family "dropped" her as they are aware that she has told me everything.

This happened in ashford - Kent mainly.

But many of the assaults happened in the clubs there.

Club Q - (A hide-out for swingers) and where one of the offenders works to this day.

Source Vodka Bar - The Assistant manager at the time called, "Craig." He arranged for my girlfriend to get free drinks and paid her boyfriend at-the-time to have sex with her.

She was Raped in the flat above the club in Ashford.

Now after infections - She has been left unable to have children.

Simply put - Go to the Police - put them away forever.

George.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008):

My thoughts would be go to a close family member if you feel that you cannot tell your parents yourself and ask them to help intervene or even arrange to stop over there whilst these parties are happening. The wind chimes idea is a good one but a lock is better.

I really feel that you should tell someone and get the help now while its easier to come back from.. Years later it is a lot harder to deal with as by then subsequent relationships have been marred by this one event. The memory ingrains itself and you need to get it out early on before it does real damage and ruins your confidence and your future relationships.

It could be a case that your parents just don't realise the damage these parties are doing for you. They sound like they need reminding who you are and where you fit in their life. Besides if you don't tell them they will carry on and assume you are ok with it. Nobody can act on something if they do not know.

If they cannot understand that you have been violated by a so called friend of theirs no matter how drunk (its no excuse) then tell them they had better deal with it satisfactorily or you will be going to the police where you will be taken seriously. I have a feeling that it won't get that far but it might be advisable to have someone adult who you trust be there with you when you tell them as their reaction might actually be one of sheer anger at the friend that did this to you and they might actually need some holding back to stop them going round there to confront him.

You will get through this and things will get better.. It will take some time though so be prepared for the ups and downs that this problem has brought you. Try and keep positive, you did nothing wrong and I mean that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008):

I really wish I was brave enough to tell my parents when the same thing happened to me. I was only 13 and didn't realize what was going on until it's too late. I'm 36 now and sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night crying.

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A female reader, danielle rudolph United States +, writes (23 December 2007):

danielle rudolph agony auntWhen there is a party lock youre door. if not then try to go to a friends house a neighbors house, just make up an excuse so you wont be in the house.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007):

well just go ahead and have fun too u might aswell so if he says how bout we getting together u know what to do maybe you will do even more the next time

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007):

please do not let him do it again to you......the first time that it happened you were rendered powerless....your safety is at risk...if ( my heart sank when i read this ) your parents really wouldn't care....then....call someone who will...a counselor and aunt or uncle....or....the police....i am a 37 year male and i am still recovering....i am now a survivor....because i was a victim and so are you....i pray that you find someone that can be by your side....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007):

Look just tell your parents tell them that it was wrong for him to do that to you.or are you just gonna let it happen again...no you won't so tell then say you don't want him to be anywhere near you at ALL!!!cause it might happen again.and i know your scared when it happened just tell them it all just tell your mom first ok message me back,to see what happened.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007):

you dont have to tell your parents. Tell the police. call your local police and tell them everything. What happened to you is illegal and that person should be put in jail. 911!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007):

First of all, I am SO SORRY that happened to you! What happened to you WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! I understand that it makes things confusing when it feels good but let me say again, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG! IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

I trust your intuition that you should NOT tell your parents if they are leading that kind of life style. Addictive behavior is a DISEASE that effects the mind and our ability to reason or rationalize.

You need to feel supported! You need to know that you are NOT ALONE and that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! May I suggest that you find an Alanon or AA group to attend. Do you drink? If so, go to AA if not got to Alanon. (They are everywhere! You can look it up on line and they have meetings all the time.) If you don't drink DON'T START. Many will start thinking it will help cope and then end up on the same path their abuser was on. YOU ARE BRAVE because you are dealing with this NOW and it won't haunt you for the rest of your life like it did me. It is SO GOOD that you are getting this out NOW! You WILL need to report this WHEN YOU ARE READY...or...he will do it to others. Oh another thing VERY IMPORTANT...prepare how you can protect yourself... when your parents have another party try to plan on spending the night at a friends house if at all possible or keep your door locked. Have someone on stand-by that you can call that could come to pay an unexpected visit if he knocks on your locked door again. Get the picture?

In most cases teens of parents who have addictive behaviors end up doing the same things if they don't get educated about the disease. To repeat the same things and expect to have a different result is the definition of insanity. Alcohol and drug users open themselves up to insanity by giving their minds over to a substance that controlls them.

YOU MUST GET HELP so the addiction will NOT be passed on! I pray the POWER of the BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST over you and take AUTHORITY of the powers of darkness that are trying to rob you of your innocense and I break their hold. I ask GOD to give you WISDOM on how to protect yourself and PEACE as He HEALS and RESTORES you. You must know that HE IS ABLE to heal you and deliver you from this circumstance. Talk to Him He is right there with you. Ask Him to come into your heart and be your guide. Also, I break the power of addiction off of your parents and ask that they would be lead into the LIGHT, the only True Light, of Jesus Christ.

Lastly, know that in our weakness HE IS STRONG. Cling to Him in this time and He will reveal Himself to you.

Sincerely broken with you,

[email address blocked]

Wow! I just read how long ago this was written...get help today! It's NOT too late!

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A female reader, M02 Canada +, writes (5 July 2007):

No don't invite your female friends cause something bad might happen to them. You need to tell someone....what happens if rape - and you found out you were pregnant?

Get out of there if you must tell your parents if not move to a relatives home!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007):

Tell them

if they dont belive you tell someone else

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2006):

is this a joke?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2006):

hi i am [email address blocked] i have a small request from pleaz while there is party at your hoom invite one of your female best friend so in this case you will never be afraid all night by

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2006):

First of all, it dosen't matter if you didn't say no. Your 16 and he had no right. I would suggest telling your parents or reporting it to the police. I was raped and I told. It dosen't matter no one should ever touch you inappropriatly.Your still a child.

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A female reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (6 February 2006):

beentheredonethat agony auntOK...you and he had sex. Was he your first? I do understand what the others are telling you but you seem very afraid to tell your parents.

It is not your fault in any way, however, what did you do about it at the time. Nothing. You opened the door and did not say no...He was drunk and may have not even known who you are if he was passed out before. He may have been in a black out stage. Either way...you know he will deny it.

So instead of focusing on the big Crazy mess telling someone will create...lets focus on keeping you safe first. If it was one time and never happens again...you will know that it was just a terrible mistake.

Now have a plan from now on.

Does your bedroom have any type of a lock? If not GET ONE.

Also Hang windchimes (really loud awful ones made of clay or several sets together..not the sweet sounding metal tubes) right above the door in your room so that they clang horribly as the door opens and set off a huge warning every time someone enters. (I did this for years and everyone gripped...but guess what...nobody could sneak in my room either)

Pay attention to this man and always know where he is. If he gives no signs of remembering...write it off as a lesson. Don't dwell on it...move on.

If on the other hand he seems to be waiting like a spider for another opening...Tell your parents anyway. Tell them he scares you and keeps looking at you and it's gross.

If they don't listen. Then keep a rolling pen or other heavy item that you can swing throw what ever....and Scream the next time he enters your room. It will be hard for parents to say you are wrong if he's caught in the act. Then you get the focus on HIM being an asshole...Not Should We believe our Daughter or our friend.

Your too young to have a tazer gun...but I think you can get pepper spray...keep it ready for mr. drunks next visit. It's all about keeping you safe. Good luck...and be strong. You are not the only one and his actions are not your responsibility. Keeping yourself safe IS!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006):

Oh,man. Well, this same thing happend to me, except I was 12. I am 23 now and there is no question in my mind that that one incident has left its mark. I understand why you feel the way you do. And it's a shame that in today's society there is still so much doubt and criticism when a young woman says she has been molested or raped. Moving on- You do need to tell your parents. If they don't believe you, I would seriously consider finding somewhere else to stay for awhile. Your home should be your safe haven. Your family should be your safety net, providing you with love and trust. From the sound of these parties, I'm inclined to assume they have other priorities. Regardless, someone needs to confront this lowlife piece of trash. Because I seriously doubt you are the only one. Best of luck to you, and don't be ashamed to seek counseling concerning this matter.

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A female reader, lori +, writes (1 February 2006):

if you feel you cant speak to your mum contact child line you dont have to give you name it is a free phone number they will help you tell your mum and dad if thats what you want dont live with this without talking to someone you will not be able to move on in your life im sure your father will not want anymore to do with this guy if he finds out then again if he does'nt it may continue and things will become worse hope this helps

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (31 January 2006):

willywombat agony aunttell your parents or tell a trusted adult and sort this situation out. Next time it could be worse.x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2006):

I would talk about it with a school teacher or trusted adult first and then bring it up with your parents.

That will give you some back up when you go to your parents.

I would also, though this is a very difficult way to go, is to consider talking to the police.

Also if you are still struggling to know what to do before the weekend, I would consider trying to stay with a friend or relative or somehow locking your door. Not that this is a long term solution but if you can't do anything more before the weekend, I would consider it.

But really, you must tell your parents. What this man did to you is completely unacceptable and you are not to blame. You are innocent and he is guilty and your parents should be in no doubt with who to side with.

Please take care of yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2006):

You HAVE to tell your parents. What he did was WRONG and whether he was drunk or not he had NO right to do it. I really don't believe that your parents won't care because if they love you then they will care and they will believe you. Just pick a good time and place and tell your parents exactly what happened. Be sure to tell them that it was unwanted and I can only pray that they will be there for you and help you get through it. You have to understand that if you don't tell them then, what if it happens again??? Maybe telling them will help them realize the danger these kind of parties put you in and it will stop. I wish you the best of luck and I will pray for you and your situation

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