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One drunken kiss--do I tell my fiance?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 2 August 2015)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone. Please give me some advice guys on this dilemma I face, I cant talk to anyone in real life about this, so you guys are my only hope. So my fiance and I are together six years, engaged four. We got engaged very young, and we were dealing with life struggles and plans of a wedding grinded to a halt. Our relationship suffered, we began to live like room mates rather than a loving couple. So last april I tried to distract ourselves by planning a wedding, hoping it would put the spark back, and my family put the kabosh on the very idea, saying no way were they supporting it knowing we were still working through issues. I could tell my fiances heart wasnt in it either. It felt as though i was fighting a lost battle and it hurt to see it all slip away. So what did this idiot OP do? I went out drinking with friends, and ended up drunkenly kissing the first bloke to show me some attention. I was very drunk so my memory is hazy, I cant say how the kiss happened or how long it lasted, I just know it did. All I remember is freaking out, saying I cant do this Im sorry, this was a big mistake, I need to go home to my partner and got really worked up. The guy was sweet enough about it, called me a cab and said to forget about what happened and he hoped I could work things out with my fiance. I felt sick and disgusted at myself, and cried the whole way home, thinking, I must fix my relationship,its come to such a dark place, we need to get through this rut and out of this downward spiral. I decided not to tell my fiance about the kiss, as it didnt seem fair to hurt him just to ease my guilt, but I did say to him; something happened last night which made me realise how much you mean to me and how I never want to lose you, and I hope we can work on our issues because I really want to stay together. He agreed we were on a downward spiral and needed to get ourselves out of it. So thats what we did, we worked out our issues, stopped taking one another for granted and we are much happier now. A year on, we revisited the idea of a wedding and we booked it. I fell pregnant, and my fiance is overjoyed. Although I am happy too, I cant help but feel guilty about that kiss. Although it was only a single drunken kiss, it is a huge betrayal that would devastate him. I feel like I should tell him, that it is unfair to let him marry me not knowing what Ive done. Yet telling him would ruin his happiness. I cant decide which is more selfish, to tell or not to tell. I feel like such a terrible person who doesnt deserve him. What should I do, live with the guilt knowing nothing like that will never happen in the future, or tell him, and hope he forgives me? Please dont judge me, I feel like a terrible person. I know I can rely on this site for good advice at times like these.

View related questions: drunk, engaged, fiance, kissing, roommate, spark, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2015):

Too much time has passed. Nothing actually happened, you didn't sleep with this person and you went straight home.

You've got to stop torturing yourself over it. Move on, be happy and FORGET ABOUT IT!!

You have a child on the way, concentrate on the happiness between you and your partner and how you can continue that when your child arrives so they have a happy home. Stop replaying the past. You can't change it, you've got to forgive yourself and get over it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntIt was a year ago. There is no point in bringing this up. You won't feel better, HE won't feel better.

You know what you did was wrong and you nipped it in the bud and went home.

Being drunk is never a good excuse and I like the fact that you OWN up to what you did. YOU said you kissed the FIRST guy to pay you attention. YOU knew however, that kissing someone wouldn't solve issues at home, so you STOPPED and went home.

Sometimes we make mistakes in life. You are not perfect, your fiance is not perfect. It's life. WORK on the REAL issues you two have. FIX those.

And you... you learned a lesson. Kissing someone else fixes nothing. Now live with the fact that yes, you did something stupid and you won't do it again. Then let it go.

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A male reader, IanHenryCooper United Kingdom +, writes (1 August 2015):

IanHenryCooper agony auntAs everyone else has said, this is a non-issue. A YEAR ago, for heaven's sake! How many people do you know who act perfectly reasonably, responsibly and in character when Brahms and Liszt?

You were inebriated, feeling rather rejected and unloved and responded to affection, briefly.

If a friend of yours had said all of that to you and sought YOUR advice, what would you say?

Exactly - walk away, forget it; it's in the past and counts for nothing!

I wish you a long and happy - and forgetful - marriage, OP.


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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (1 August 2015):

Garbo agony auntYou need to let this go. The guilt should be assigned when the outcome of your actions are devastating. The outcome of your drunken kissing is actually good because it got you to fix your relationship. By telling your future husband you will just transfer misery onto him and make him wonder what else might have happened. Don't shake the tree of trust with a mistake that bore its fruit. Just like the guy whom you were kissing said: forget about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2015):

You are human. You made a mistake and have learned a valuable lesson of the importance of looking after your relationship. Lady that will stand you in good stead for your marriage. The kiss went no further. Stop punishing yourself and move on. You both have much much more important things to be positive about

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