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On/off holiday friendship

Tagged as: Friends, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 May 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 16 May 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 13-15, *oreMessage writes:

I met this guy on holiday. We got along really well and I thought he was, well, perfect. Then he had to move away and stuff cause his holiday ended. We exchanged phone numbers and we were texting for a while. After a couple of weeks of texting he wanted to end things, saying he wanted to focus on school and he wanted us to be "just a holiday thing". So I accepted it and moved on. But recently he started texting again.

I've replied kind of but more or less I've been ignoring him. I'm confused. What happened to "just a holiday thing"? I'm scared of texting him again, mostly cause I'm scared I'm going to fall for him again. He lives 4 hours away so "us" cant happen, that's what I've learned to accept. So, I'm just wondering, does anyone have any advice for me? Should I text him again or should I really keep it a "holiday thing"? I don't want to text him but I still really like him, I don't know what to do...

P.S. Sorry if I was kind of rambly, I just needed to get this off my chest.

I should also note that last time we texted, before he asked if we could end things, he started asking if we could exchange nudes. (I'm 14, he's 16). I didn't want to do this at all so I kept delaying it until we stopped texting. I'm kinda scared that he's gonna start asking for them again, because that made me really uncomfortable. Thanks in advance for any advice.

View related questions: on holiday, text

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntGlad that you took the advice we all gave you. And I'm glad you learned that saying NO to someone is PERFECTLY OK. Many women and younger girls have a hard to saying no to guys because they WANT the guys to like them, they want to be liked - the thing is SAYING no should ALWAYS be OK. If a person doesn't "like" you because you say no, it's really THEIR issue, not yours.

You did good!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (16 May 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Good for you, OP- you are quick on the uptake , and this will help you a lot, in love and in life .

I'd like to add something , to make myself clear :

while personally I was never keen on cybersex, or phone sex, or any other " fake " sex; ( and while, it's worth reminding it, at 14 you are under the age of consent, and you should not be having sex, real or fake that ir may be .... ) - I am not per se against recreational sex. A relationship takes time, attention, committment, physical and emotional energies. There may be stages in life where , for various reasons, having a relationship is not possible or desirable, but there's still the wish for sexual gratification , excitement,and ( occasional ) companionship and entertainment. That's fine, not everybody is bound to have the same religious or cultural scruples, or believe in the same moral values.

In other words, if a person is asking for, or offering, just casual sex, that does not make them wrong or bad.

But BOTH people have to be on the same page, and very clear about what they want / expect from the other person.

If you want romance, affection and tenderness.. do not waste a second of your time on people who offer you cheap surrogates. And let them show you that they can give you what you want through their ACTIONS, not just through empty compliments and flattering words. Talk is cheap.

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A female reader, CoreMessage United Kingdom +, writes (15 May 2017):

CoreMessage is verified as being by the original poster of the question

CoreMessage agony auntThank you to all your replies. I took this advice to heart, and it is really great advice. He started messaging me again without a word of reason as to why he's back. And I discovered something. He's not this perfect guy he led me to believe he was. He's just some horny teenager who's trying to use me.

He started sending kisses and singing my praises, trying to weasel his way back in. Then, just as I suspected, he wanted something. More specifically, nudes. Instead of beating around the bush and giving excuses like I did last time, I straight up said no. He accepted it and then asked if I'd like to do anything "fun". He was still going on about the sexual stuff. This guy seriously has a one track mind. Even though I was obviously uncomfortable, even after I asked him to stop, he continued. So I ignored him. And we haven't messaged since.

And you know what? I'm fine with it. As you said, he's a waste of time. I was just something for boredom. I was used. And I don't want that. So I'm just gonna forget about him and meet someone locally who will treat me right. Thanks for your help.

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A male reader, VitaminZ United States +, writes (15 May 2017):

I suspect that if you let him, he'll hurt you pretty badly. This isn't very complicated. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but he'll take anything from you that he can. Block him.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI fully agree with Auntie Cindy.

You are nothing more than entertainment for him. He started texting you again because he was bored and hoping that maybe he could convince you to take nudes and send them to him, for his little spank-bank and perhaps to USE as "bragging rights" with his mates.

NOT something you want. To have your nudes spread around between a bunch of horny teenagers.

My advice? BLOCK his number. While he isn't a HORRIBLE guy, he is NOT talking to you because he cares about you or wants you and him to become an item. He is texting you out of purely selfish reasons.

I would also venture a guess that he thinks because HE is older than you, that you will DEFER to his "demands". Age has nothing to do with it.

You two had a holiday fling and that is it. So block him and forget about him.

Another thing OP - LEARN to say no. Don't beat around the bush. If a guy ASKS you to do things you are NOT comfortable with, TELL them NO. You don't OWE ANYONE to send nudes, or do sexual acts. If they fuss when you say no it becomes even more clear that the guy ISN'T really giving two figs about you and what you want.

IT IS totally OK to tell a guy:" I am not comfortable taking and sending nudes - my body is mine and I have no intention of sharing it with you and the whole Internet". Because IT CAN go from sending a picture to ONE guy to being all over the Internet. OR all over a WHOLE bunch of guy you have never met nor consented to share your image with.

Lastly, because you DO need to remember this. YOU are still a minor. You are 14. So IF you sent nudes to a guy of 16 HE could land in hot water. Not sure how the laws are in the UK, but in the US (you, the minor, who took and send the pictures) CAN also land in hot water.

Be smart OP.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (15 May 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt OP ! You should not just " also " note, as a footnote or an afterthought, that he asked if you could exchange nude pics. That's the whole point of the matter, and the reason why he got in touch again. Pardon the brutality, but he does not masturbates ONLY during his holidays - he does it year - round.

So, clearly he was not into you enough to substain the effort of regular communication ( not that I blame him, you are 4 hours away from each other and at your young age you would not have the material means to carry on a long distance relationship even if you both wanted- so what the point of all this idle texting would be ? ) BUT he can make a little effort if there's something in it for him- like, acquiring new material for his wanking archive.

There's nothing to be confused, that's plain and simple and evident like the nose in your face. I am not saying this kid is a monster or a pervert, but , yes , he is a 16 y.o. young male - very horny and typically self centered.

Be as self centered as him, and ask yourself : What's in it for me ? " Answer : NOTHING: a big fat nothing.

This will help ending your confusion , and transferring your affection to someone local, and hopefully more respectful and more deserving.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2017):

Don't do the nudes, especially since he said he only wanted to be a "holiday thing". If he really cared he wouldn't have ended it or asked for nudes, you may be one of a few and he is testing you to see if you'll send them.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (14 May 2017):

N91 agony auntSounds like that's all he's going to try using you for. You're too young for a long distance relationship so it sounds very pointless to me, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't bother. This guy sounds like a waste of time anyway.

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