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Partner lets me shoulder all the responsibility

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 May 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 16 May 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been with my fiancé for 4 years now. We have a 1 year old little boy. My fiancé and I are very different. - he's passive, I'm aggressive, he's reactive and I'm proactive. When we met he had an issue with drinking and doing other things such as gambling to block out feelings of insecurity in groups. We've worked on improving that and he doesn't feel the need to over drink in social situations now. However, my fiancé also has a trait which means he doesn't consider the consequences to his actions.

He will do something which affects me and simply say "sorry". I have anxieties for example about him ruining things in the house because he is clumsy. Last night he got very drunk and continued to drink at home. I asked him to stop and he would not. I left the house and when I returned the next day he had thrown up everywhere (red wine) and my sofa and carpets are ruined. It was his birthday last night so we were due to meet family and friends for breakfast - I didn't go because upon seeing the mess I felt physically sick.

He text me simply saying he'd been sick on the sofa and asked whether I was coming to breakfast. I contacted his parents who were nearby in the hope they could help

me sort the situation and they didn't do anything. He is 31 years of age and I've not heard

from him all day. I work away so I've left for work and he is looking after our little boy but I haven't had so much as a sorry.

I don't know what to do. I now feel the weight of the world on my shoulders thinking I have to sort this.

View related questions: drunk, gambling, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHe is 31 so really their is no need to involve his parents. He is a grown man. He got to drunk and got sick everywhere. If he has a drink problem then he needs to avoid alcohol completely. You decided to have a child with him, but am guessing you are not overly worried about your child's safety as you have left him with a father that is hungover and was sick everywhere, yet you seem to complain more about your furniture and your carpet. Well kick him out if the place is yours. You shouldn't need to deal with that, and more importantly your son should be brought up in a safe environment.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 May 2017):

You decided to have a child with someone you've known all the long to be irresponsible, have a drinking problem, and display passive-aggressive behavior? Well, you're stuck with him whether you marry him or not.He's the father!

Before you marry the guy, insist he seek professional rehabilitation for his drinking problem. Children should not be raised around an alcoholic. All they can offer is an unstable environment, fighting, and scenes like you described. Children should not be witness to this at any age. He will be unstable, and incapable of maintaining his financial and moral-responsibilities to his family.

If he wants to see his kid, he had better get professional-help with his drinking and stick with it.

Meanwhile; get your legal ducks in a row for legal child-support. He may not willingly seek help, and decide to ditch the both of you. You have seen the bad-signs and what marriage will be like. Take this as a warning, and do what's best for you and your baby. If he refuses to get help; then you should ditch him. He is still the father of your child; but the child does not have to suffer through his alcoholism, nor should you.

Wanting to be with his child is good motivation to seek help. Even if you never make him your husband, he's still the biological-father. He has paternal-rights, but they can be withheld or taken-away by law; if he doesn't seek treatment, and prove fitness to be a parent.

You must work now, not later. Fortunately, the child is too young to know any better. By age of three, the child will start to realize tensions between you, and will be starting to see the ugliness. Put the child first in all of this.

Please!

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (15 May 2017):

Tisha-1 agony auntYou’ve left a one year old child in the care of a man who drinks to the point of vomiting all over the furniture and carpet? And whose parents won’t help? And you’re upset because he hasn’t apologized?

It seems far more appropriate for you to be worried about the welfare and well-being of your child!

Your child needs to be properly cared for and as you work away perhaps it’s best that you find alternate childcare and that he’s not involved in the child’s care until his various issues are sorted out.

I suggest you find a local al-anon meeting as soon as possible; you are not the only one who loves someone with a drink problem and you will find the weight of the world will lighten when you share your situation with others. Also, the members may be able to offer practical solutions to childcare and other dilemmas facing you, as you struggle to deal with a man who has so many problems.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (15 May 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntDid you feel sick because of the vomit (guessing he didn't clean it up?) or did you feel sick because of the damage? If it was the former, then I can totally empathize and sympathize. You should not have to clean up after a grown up man. Could you not get HIM to clean it up? If you felt sick because of the damage, then that is a different issue. Are you worried about having to find the money to sort out the mess (cleaning or replacement)? Or is it purely that you have a "thing" about stuff being damaged or dirty? How do you react when our child damages or dirties something?

When you say you are "aggressive", what do you mean? Do you live together? If so, why do you say the sofa and carpets are YOURS? Surely they belong to you both?

Does your fiance work? If so, perhaps asking him to pay for the damage he has caused (whether this entails professional cleaning or replacement of the ruined items) may help him learn that actions have consequences and, while we can do what we like, everything comes with a price.

Sorry, probably more questions than suggestions. This doesn't sound like the healthiest of relationships, given the way you both are. What is it that you get from this relationship?

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (15 May 2017):

Why do you continue to waste time on this guy? Other than your child what is there about this lazy inconsiderate drunk that keeps you with him? A 31 year old man who drinks to the point of throwing up on your floors and furniture and doesn't even have the decency to apologize and offer to pay for the damage. This is who you plan to marry and raise a son with? Good luck, you'll need it.

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