A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:No present for Christmas and not being enthusiastic about New Year's Eve. Is this a reason to dump the guy I've been with for 3 months?We were casual for the first month and a half. Then we agreed to date exclusively. He swears he wants to be with me and only me. He even swore on his son. I gave him a small present and he had nothing for me. I started to cry because i felt like it means hes not serious about me. He said he saw many things and thought of me but didn't want to get something cliche. He said he didn't grow up exchanging presents (he's from Italy) he has no Christmas tree in his house. For NYE he's working until 1AM and after asking three times he said "I'll meet you after". Am I being overly sensitive? My ex who I was in love with broke my heart and I found out he was cheating after he stopped making me a priority. I have tried to break up with this new guy once before when he's been lukewarm like this and he always comes back stronger after apologizing.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 January 2012):
 IF you feel it's just about sex it probably is...
If you feel other things are wrong they probably are...
I'm just as bad as every other human being and I don't want to listen to my head or my gut... why is it the HEART always wins till it hurts too bad?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers.
@Odds - yes there are other reasons. I feel like he's just trying me as a booty call. Even though we do things together / his first push is always the sex.
Like instead of taking me to dinner on a date, he will buy groceries and cook or just ask me to come to his apartment for a drink. The outside dates have sort of stopped.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Seems like a really odd reason to dump someone. Is this really why you want to break up with him, or is there some other issue (or whole slew of issues) that are already causing you to look for a good pretext? Or do you think you've got an itchy trigger-finger over not being taken seriously, and possibly might be reading too much into things?
I'll bet that if you ask him, he's had at least a few relationships that went poorly because he displayed too much interest too fast. I'll bet that, after swearing on his son to be with you (which also seems really odd, but oh well), he is worried that he seems to eager and is trying to play it cool with New Year's.
If you can get the both of you on the same page about showing interest and commitment, about taking each other seriously, that should clear things up.
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (30 December 2011):
 i am not going to tell you to break up or stay together. a guy that is dating you and not giving a christmas gift he is suppose to care for is being selfish, uncaring , and i could see that it would leave you hurting and feeling hurt. if he is like that now how do you think he may be later in the relationship.i don't believe no woman wants to feel like she is not the apple of her mans eye, or worth the time of the man to find a special gift that is from his heart to her. you need to ask yourself is someone you can be with, or is he the one you cant live without. there is a difference.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 December 2011):
 He is full of excuses. He might not have grown up giving gifts but he isn't dumb is he? He KNOWS people exchange gifts on Christmas, he hasn't been living in shelter isolated from the world, so he knew this. His nationality also does not factor into this. I have Russian friends where there is no Christmas like in Europe or USA. In Russia they celebrate New Years and give gifts then, but don't give gifts on Christmas. Yet every Russian person I know give gifts on Christmas because they now live in Norway where people give gifts and have Christmas trees... even if they didn't have these Christmas traditions growing up! People adapt. They know what is expected. "When in Rome" and so on.
I think he is still lukewarm, either that or you need to speak up about your expectations to make sure he understands what it takes to be your boyfriend. If he wants to be with you he needs to give Christmas gifts and birthday gifts etc. Speak up. Allow mistakes, but after a warning don't allow a second mistake such as this... I agree with how you first felt about it, not showing up with a gift and not even apologizing for it shows a lack of interest and care in you.
A boyfriend once gave me a crappy DVD, but everything and anything is better than nothing. It's the thought that counts. He could have gotten you a card if nothing else. But maybe he was too busy to get it, I dunno.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): Truth; you are being over-sensitivie. 6 weeks isn't that long and if he doesn't do Christmas then fair enough. You wouldn't get someone a present for a holiday you didn't celebrate unless you knew them. Not to be horrid, but seeing that you don't know what holidays he celebrates suggests a lack of communication but...
If he's working until 1AM show the guy a little respect! He's probably absolutely shattered so in all fairness,sleep is probably the first thing on his mind!
It sounds like you want his attention and all of it. Just relax and stop making assumptions because they're probably wrong. Don't expect everything from him since you haven't been dating long. Maybe he has been lukewarm but lets look at the situation. If he's working until 1AM, his job is pretty important or maybe he is coming up to a big meeting. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, support him!
Hope this helps
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): lol we could be dating the same person! haha.
Im in same scenario, except i live with the ungrateful half italian thats working til 1am on nye! (i am too tho as i dj, he does too) but im also pregnant to him. and i fall for the apologizing crap too, but i am pregnant so i do try keep the peace as much as i can.
Il tell you what plan iv come up with.....
Hes got a week to get me a present or .... im taking the shoes and aftershave back i bought him! (he can get it while were on holiday next wk lol.)
And the holidays were conditions of us both working over xmas and new yr. so , its kind of make or break really.
Just do that tell him if he dont get you one in a weeks time, your taking yours back! and stick to it lol.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 December 2011):
 I am from Italy and we DO exchange presents at Xmas , what is he talking about ?? And everybody has a Christmas tree too. These are relatively newish traditions, particularly the tree, it only started as a mainstream thing in the 50s, before then only very rich people would do that , but by now we are all SantaClausized and everything , good or bad that this is :)
This just for precision, not to fuel the flames of your disappointment. There are always individual exceptions, he may be telling you the truth. Or, he could not find the time to buy you something, or he was broke. Or, more simply, he was taken by surprise by your gift, normally one would not mandatorily buy a gift for his new gf of 6 weeks, I mean, some would, some would not , but basically - chill - and keep in check those expectations- you have only just MET !
Ditto for NYE : he is working ! And maybe after a day ( or night ) at work, the first thing that comes to mind is not going to paint the town red with your gf, but going home and getting some rest.
So yes, I think you are being over sensitive. You can't even exactly call him lukewarm just based on what you told us. Maybe it does not sounds as if he is all - consumed by love and passion- but.. SHOULD he be after just 6 weeks of dating ? Would not that feel a bit off ?...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 December 2011):
You’ve been with him 3 months… and you are asking strangers if you should dump him? IF you have to ask then yes you should end it. Because clearly you think it’s not worth the effort.
You have been exclusive for SIX WEEKS right? That’s not a long time… What makes you think that because he didn’t give you a gift (did you even DISCUSS with him beforehand about what YOUR tradition as a couple would be for the holidays???) he’s cheating on you?
IT’s our first Christmas together too (we’ve been dating just over a year but did not get serious till after the holidays last year) and we talked about what to do since I am Jewish and don’t even really celebrate Christmas… we didn’t do real gifts either… I got us both some stocking stuffers and I got him a card.. he got me nothing… but ya know what… it’s OK… because a material gift means nothing if I don’t have my partner supporting me emotionally.
How is the rest of the relationship? Some folks (like ME) SUCK at gift giving… and yet here you are seeing this as a HUGE red flag that you should END the relationship… it’s almost as if you are looking for an EXCUSE to end it….
As for NYE… he’s WORKING (do you not believe he is working???) and you say after asking THREE TIMES… what exactly did you ASK and why did you feel the need to do it THREE TIMES. IF the man is working then I am betting he has an 8 hour or longer shift and then he’s AGREED after being badgered to MEET you at what? 1:30 or 2 am after WORK? And yet you think he’s not making you a priority?
WHAT do you expect from this man???
You say you TRIED to break up with him once when he was being lukewarm… sounds to me like you didn’t want to break up but wanted him to pay better and more attention to you… and that ploy worked… so NOW you have set this up that he will NOT believe you are leaving him… instead you needed to tell him what you needed…. Instead of playing that horrid little game
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): I know i will sound like i m making stereotypes, but i m very much familiar with italian men. I m not italian, but bussines travel to Italy twice a year and speak the language.
Italian men are known for cheating. They dont divorce as they are catholics, but for some reason it doesn t stop them from cheating. Especially from south region.
Being a young woman myself when i travel i get a lot of attention from men, and propositions all the time. Almost all of them married. One of them even said he just got engaged.Italian are not very discriminative when it comes to women. If it is a proper for them situation they go for it.
I m not saying by being aloof your boyfriend is cheating on you, but there is a possibility.
About Christmas present i wouldn t care that much, but what he said about it would alarm me. He lives in a country now where Christmas is a gift exchanging holiday. He was even looking for one for you as he said, and still didnt get you anything.That cliche theory of his sounds just like another lame excuse.
He is not very proactive in meeting you on a New Year eve, thats also is not very good sign.
Years of dating tought me a good lesson: you get what you see. And what we see here is an aloof behavour toward you.
If i were you i would not brake it up just yet, but i would deffinitely stop taking any initiative. Let him do the job, let him show to you that he really wants to be with you.
If he comes back stronger after he sees he can loose you its also shows him being unstable. Also some guys want to keep a girl around just in case they feel like doing something, and sometimes they have 3-4 of girls like that around, who think they are the only ones, sadly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): If he had been raised in a "traditional" Christmas-celebrating household and was not working NYE, the perceived lack of interest would be a red flag for sure. But if he didn't grow up giving gifts on Christmas, he may not have understood how important the holiday is to you.
As for NYE, I can understand why he's "lukewarm" if he's already working till 1 am. I don't know if you work (or have ever worked) the night shift, but it can definitely suck the energy right out of you. It's not like he's going partying with his friends till 1 am and will only make time for you after that; he has a legitimate obligation and will probably be tired afterward. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this one :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): The thing about choosing certain men that show, display, they don't have to do a heck of a lot to be in a relationship with you, is they already know, they can not put you first and you will stay and beg and be treated with no thoughtfulness.
Dump him. I say this because if he doesn't meet a standard you have set for your happiness and lets face it, if Christmas means that much to you, you don't date someone who gives a rats ass about Christmas.
I would have said, well, since we are dating, you do the right thing with knowledge I would enjoy your thougtfulness and effort to get me something for this special time of year. See it from my side and realize thoughtfulness is a good thing no matter what time of year, or time of month, day, week. Surprise me. I'll give you until the end of the day. Thanks. Close the door.
If he does not even want to try to do something so easy as buy you something as a thoughtful gesture. I mean you now have to train some guy on how to be romantic, thoughtful??
It happens.
If he does not make the time to put you first, then you for sure know, this guy is incapable of being anything to anyone save himself.
He is a dirtbag and you deserve better.
Seriously, as another poster has pointed out about the dating world, plenty of men out there wanting a chance with a sweetheart of a woman.
Also, its Christmas. You could have just told the guy, well thank you for stopping by, come on in, lets snuggle and celebrate Christmas together. You can get me a Boxing day gift to make up for it.
The thing about apathetic people; they really can mess up the whole expectations things with many people, so its not just you.
This guy is one of those people. So really, wouldn't expect a snot rag from him.
Apathetic-adj-
1. Showing or feeling no interest, enthusiasm, or concern.
2. not interested or concerned; indifferent or unresponsive
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): My boyfriend and I dont do gift exchanges on christmas because of his economic situation. He barely has any spending money and the last thing I want him to worry about is spending it on me. It has worked out well for us because we dont need presents to prove our love. Is your boyfriend in a similar situation? Because if he is not then yes he could buy you something. Go spend New Years with a coworker or friend and then wait until 1am to see your bf. That is if your sober enough, haha. Happy New Year!!
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