A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey there! My mom passed away last spring and it's still pretty hard for me to bear.Plus, my fiancé had to move abroad (2hr plane ride) for work and although we get to see each other every other week, i miss him incredibly. I also miss my mom like crazy. I'm left with a verbally abusive/crazy dad who totally disapproves of my long-distance relationship telling me "it's not normal" and that I'll end up alone. It's unbearable, really. Now, I am a teacher and talked to my principal asking her if I could get 3 monts off (Apr-Jun) then get my job back in Sept when school starts again. She said of course, yes, you won't get paid, but you sure can take time off. My mom left me some money and two houses in her will, so I'm in the lucky position of not being in need of money. My idea would be to move abroad to be with my finacé for 6 months (apr-jun, I'd be on leave, then summer) and get a breath of fresh air. i really need to be with him and I honestly don't see anything wrong with it. I'm not leaving my job/selling my house- it's just a 6-month-break, nothing crazy, nothing irrational. Told my dad and my family, they went all psycho on my and said I'm ruining my life and that they'll take me out of their will and that tey will not treat me as a daughter and that Im killing them with this decision. They are over-reacting, right? Should I just take those months off and leave those crazy people behind or should I listen to their opinion and give up on my fiancé?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (30 December 2011):
You should stick to your plan of going abroad and leave your family to make of it what they will and deal with it however they will. You are an autonomous adult, you have the right to live your life according to how you want, and what you choose to do in your romantic life is no one else's business but yours. You're not asking them to finance your trip abroad or imposing on them in any way. You are minding your own business, but they are violating your boundaries with their emotional abuse.
Your family has a low opinion of you, they don't respect you. They feel they and only they know what's best for you and they've probably been used to making decisions for you in the past and reinforcing to themselves how the only thing keeping you safe in this world is them and their unfailing wisdom. so if you break free from ther oppressive behavior, they can't handle it because it's an affront to their own view of the world and how they are used to doing things.
If you sacrifice being true to yourself for the sake of keeping dysfunctional people happy - well they will never be happy only temporarily placated and you'll continue to have to give up what you want the next time and the next time after that and it will never end. Controlling people won't some day decide to become less controlling if they are being rewarded by your 'obedience' in response to their emotionally abusive behavior.
It's healthy for you to finally say "enough!" and break out of this pattern because you are feeling it to be "unbearable" as you say. And it's no wonder you feel that way. this probably isn't the first issue but just the latest one.
This is not about whether it's a financially sound decision to go abroad for a few months. That's irrelevant, if it's your money and your career it's your decision and no one else's business. you have the right to live your life as an autonomous adult, make decisions for yourself, and be free to make mistakes if they do turn out to be mistakes. If your family chooses to make themselves sick over this, that's their choice.
Don't bother trying to reason with them or explain your decision to them, they already have their minds made up. Just go ahead with your plan. Be prepared that your family will retaliate against you. Don't engage them in conflict, don't retaliate back at them. Just simply go about your own business and let them exhaust themselves doing whatever it is they will do. Whatever discomfort you feel from their retaliations, is nothing compared to the loss of self esteem and resentment and regret you will feel if continually sacrifice your autonomy and self respect to them in order to keep some temporary peace. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much!!! I really needed some perspective on this whole thing!! Thank you! Glad to know I'm not the crazy one here and not being unreasonable at all! I am getting counselling help-been getting it for a few months now and it's really helping me a lot. I will never ever get my dad's approval and he'll do anything (and I mean anything) in his power to stop me (threats, silent treatment, money issues, seeling a house we both own...). But thank God I got my own house, my job, my fiance- so guess you're right, I don't really need him after all. Would have been nice to get a pat on my shoulder from him saying "Go, take this time off, you deserve it"- but hey- can't have everything! :-) He said if I ever take those months off I'll be totally unprofessionaly, people will think I am unreliable and he's gonna tell everyone how unprofessional, unreliable and what a horrible person I am because he doesn't want his image to be ruined by my crazy beahviour. I guess he's the crazy one here. Thank you for helping me! Happy New year everyone!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): This is not your families decision, it's between you and your fiance. Obviously if you want the blessing of your family then try to sort things out. Obviously your family are uposet about your mothers death, but maybe they're also afraid of losing you aswell. I'm sure that underneath all their 'pscyco'-ness, they are really concerned about you and your happiness.
Rather than try to tackle the subject head-first, talk to your dad alone face to face. Calmly explain your reasons and if this doesn't work it is their loss. It may seem harsh but if they are ruining your life, then you could live without the hassle.
Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 December 2011):
 sounds like it works for me... and for you... does it work for your fiance?
if so then yeah do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): First off Dad, taking out his I feel helpless and out of control and a victim because my Wife died, and projecting his fear unto you. Very not healthy so glad you know this.
Please get Counselling ASAP to help you deal and cope with the mourning process of losing a loved one, your Mother. Last spring so its still new and still you feel abandoned.
You are not being unreasonable. Why would you submit your will to abusive, manipulative, bullies like your family and with it your happiness and a chance at a life of happiness and love?
Why did you even tell them? You don't owe them a darned thing.
And you don't need money or their will now do you?
You do what is right and you move to be with someone you love. You know its the right thing to do for your happiness. Fiance is your best friend, your confidant, your Love, Your Future. You forsake all others and put him in his rightful place.
Enjoy your vacation and breathing space and the blessed time to spend it with someone you love.
You are very fortunate! So happy for you!
*hugs*
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