A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This question is for people who are okay with premarital sex: I am single and in college. I am sort of seeing two guys. I have had sex with both of them and have gone on lunch dates and have even stayed over at their houses as well as just "hanging out". Although, I am feeling conflicted... is this okay to do? I am feeling kind of guilty for being interested in a few guys and spending time with them, yet I shouldn't be because none of them has asked me to be exclusive and see only them etc. What would you do or what did you do in your 20s? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses, I'll just write something that encompasses a lot of the questions that y'all brought up. I am on birth control and use condoms everytime, I have no STDs or STIs. I asked my partners if they are safe and they said yes and they aren't sleezeballs so I believe them. I just got out of a very long relationship and am not looking for one in particular, but if one of them asked me to be exclusive I'd give it a shot. I feel like I have changed a lot since my last relationship for the better, I am more independent and feel like a whole person. I've been doing my internal and personal homework since and it's helped me to rely on myself while still opening up to others. I am currently only canoodling/having sex with one of the guys at the moment but still in good contact with the other in terms of chatting and getting to know one another. I do feel an emotional attachment to them in the moment and still get butterflies when I think about them during the day and what not... so I don't completely dismiss my feelings. I just want companionship at this point in my life, someone to cuddle with and maybe smooch, and if sex happens it happens. I'll have no problem revealing my sexual past to either of them if they ask, but I don't think that's really necessary.Rest assured, if I do decide to be exclusive with either of them, then of course I'll be with that one only and not the other.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 December 2013):
 That guilt is your conscience trying to get your attention.
You're feeling kind of guilty because you're treating these men as if you were serious about them. If they were to discover what you were really up to you'd lose one or both of them. Even men who use women for sex generally don't want to share them with other men.
It is perfectly acceptable to go out on dates with different men in the beginning (no sex, no sexual activity and no hanging out at their houses). Once you become serious about one, you stop going out with the others but you don't start sleeping with him until it has been spelled out that you and he are exclusive. And even then I'd wait several months just to make sure it will last.
It is worth noting, that even if you do come clean and one of the guys decides to stay, chances are he won't really trust you and he won't let you forget what you did. Perhaps you lose both and months or even years from now you meet a great guy you're really serious about and who's serious about you. Once he finds out about this episode, neither of you will enjoy a moment's peace. Our archives are chalk full of submissions from men twisted up about a woman's sexual past and casual sex tops their list of grievances.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2013):
 BTDT.
AS long as you are not lying to anyone about anything then I think it's fine. THIS INCLUDES YOURSELF.
And lies of omission are still lies. If you are protected sexually from pregnancy and disease and are honest if asked if you have other partners, I think you are fine morally.
However, if the guys assume they are your one and only, then you have to clear that up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): I've been in your shoes where I dated three guys and the timelines overlapped. No judgements from me...
I agree with janniepeg that while you technically have no duty to tell unless they ask, you are operating in the grey area. Should you develop feelings for either and pursue a relationship, you will find it difficult to explain to your partner why you were sleeping with someone else when your partner was busy developing feelings for you. You would be starting a relationship based on deceit and when he finds out, your relationhip will be on the rocks.
It worked in my case because I did not want a relationship with them. I told them I was sleeping with other people and no one was hurt. The nice thing to do would be to discuss all your intentions with them to make sure you don't hurt them.
Also be careful with STIs and pregnancy.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 December 2013):
 I've never personally done this and personally would not do it, but only because sex is infinitely more enjoyable to me with an emotional connection to match. (I found that out after a couple one-night stands instigated by me, so no judgements here.)
Some guys do this all the time - it's a little more rare to see in a woman, mainly because many women do have a hard time separating emotion from sex. I think that might be why you've gotten some slightly judgmental responses. No matter how much progress has been made in terms of gender equality, men and women alike have this tendency to judge and shame other women for having too much non-committed sex.
I think some valid points have been made with regards to health and pregnancy. If you're not on birth control AND using condoms every time you have sex with either of these guys, you're essentially doubling your risk for an STD (because who's to say that either of them is exclusive with you?) and also setting yourself up for some potentially embarrassing uncertainty should you find yourself pregnant.
My question for you would be which of these guys YOU prefer - assuming you'd want exclusivity with either of them, which you may not. If that's the case then there's nothing that says you HAVE to pick one, as long as your conscience isn't giving you more trouble than the sex is worth. It doesn't sound like either one of them is going out of his way to try and commit to you. For what it's worth, every serious boyfriend I've ever had initiated that talk either before we got around to sex or very shortly thereafter. I think that most guys who are any kind of serious about you will want to know where they stand, so there's a possibly these guys are playing the field themselves.
If you would want one of them exclusively, were that option available, then in your shoes I would tell that one only how you feel. Asking both and settling for whichever one agrees would, to me, be an odd way to start a serious relationship, but that's just me.
Good luck and best wishes :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 December 2013):
 I never did casual sex. There is NOTHING CASUAL about sexual intimacy. Nor did I have sex with more then one person at a time.
I honestly don't get people who treats sex like it's no big deal.
I thing DATING is one thing (going out, hanging out, having dinners, lunch, movie.. NON sex things) would be OK with more then one person.. Because at THAT point you are still figuring out who is the better fit for you. BUT having sex? No. Just no.
Even IF you don't WANT a relationship, ONE dick at a time. I mean one guy at a time.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2013): Wrong. You're allowed to date multiple people but not sleep with multiple people. Unless they know the other one exists. It sounds more like you're having two relationships, however new.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 December 2013):
 Are you serious??? How would you feel if you started dating a guy and started falling for him? He did't tell you that at the same time he was sleeping with you, he was sleeping with someone else? You'd be crushed, and if he had decided later that he chose you, you'd still feel cheated on.
Unless it's specifically stated that you ARE FWB and it's a no-strings relationship, then sex confers exclusivity. The truth lies within whether or not you freely shared the knowledge that you are NOT exclusive and that you are seeing and sleeping with other people. If you haven't told the guys you're sleeping with that you're risking their health by sleeping around, then you are in the wrong.
You may not know it, but your argument is used by rapists who force themselves on women and then turn around and say "Well, she didn't actually say no" or "She didn't ask me to stop". Don't ever use the "No one's asked" defense in anything pertaining to love. Sex confers exclusivity unless it's clear that there is so be no relationship, just sex.
You asked about what I did in my 20's? Simple - I didn't have sex until it was established that I was exclusive with someone. Sex is risky - pregnancy and disease. Sex was never a casual thing for me.
It's fine to date more than one person in the beginning, but sex between multiples is not cool at all. Once sex enters the picture, it's an exclusivity move unless it's either a one-night stand or it's clearly established that you're not in a relationship and that it's no-strings FWB.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 December 2013):
 There is nothing technically wrong with having multiple partners, but it gets complicated when one of the guys wants a relationship and you agree. Then later he finds out you were sleeping with the other guy while with him. He has no right to be angry with you, but he questions what else you could do in the relationship. When it comes to loyalty, there is a higher chance that a one on one type of person is more capable of being faithful than a person who sleeps around. At least some people can think that, not all. You can say if a guy is conservative like that then he's not the guy for you anyways. You can keep on doing this but if I were you I would not pursue a relationship further with either guy. When you are ready for a relationship then focus on a new guy, just one. A transition from casual to serious is full of mental obstacles. Casual sex are for liberated people but with serious relationship we still follow the rules, the courtship ritual. There will be people telling you to date around and not settle for exclusivity until you get what you want but I don't agree. It's like the guy only commits to you out of competition, not out of a real desire to be with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lieutenant  +, writes (25 December 2013):
You're playing a very dangerous game. I'm not sure why a lot of young people think that dating includes having sex. I'm 22 and imo opinion dating involves getting to know a person better; their likes, their dislikes, what moves them; if we can have stimulating conversations, what their dreams, aspirations and plans for their future are; it doesn't imo involve either of us dropping our knickers. It really boggles my mind how loose a lot of young people are with sex, but to each his own. If you're looking for exclusivity, then in your shoes I would tell both guys that's what i'm looking for; then make a choice who you really would want a relationship with. Otherwise, I suppose you just continue with that lifestyle and kick your conscience back to the back burner.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2013): Do they know the other one is in the picture or not?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 December 2013):
 Sex with one person at a time has always been a rule of mine. Just makes things easier. What if you get pregnant.. You wouldnt know who the dad is. What if you catch an std, you wouldnt know from whom. You should always get tested between each new partner. This arrangement if yours makes it difficult, because you sleep with more at a time. And they do too, probably.
Dont feel guilty, but look after your health.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 December 2013):
That's why it's called dating. Just like you don't restrict yourself to only applying to one job at a time, you don't have to feel bad about dating more than one guy at a time.
When the time comes and you realize that you like one of them enough to be in a committed relationship than by all means make it happen. When you're not exclusive there is not very much stability, for some people that's fine, others appreciate the stability of a relationship.
...............................
|
