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New friendship w/ someone I met from a reality show

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 January 2019) 10 Answers - (Newest, 30 January 2019)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ok... I'm so confused.

I am currently engaged. Not the best relationship by any means, but I am engaged and hoping for it to get better after a big move happens to get away from his insane and cruel family who hurt us pretty bad.

Oddly enough, my question is about someone and something different. i just stated I'm engaged so it's known. I have many celebrity friends, and I mean actual friends, not just people I randomly follow.

My favorite show has been airing for many years, and I felt bad for one of the cast members so I sent them a message just to be nice because I'm a very empathetic type of person. I care 'way' too much. We've talked, we've laughed, we've messaged almost daily for a week now. We've chatted about music, his divorce situation because he cheated and messed up pretty bad etc...

Well, I'm an open book and pretty blunt. His ex posted pictures of his conversations with other women when they were still working on things, and he seemed very quick to jump into sexual conversations with these random people behind his wife's back.

Well they are currently separated and in the middle of a divorce. I tried to be there and help him feel better. He's sent me messages, voice ones, and just text ones via Instagram. Even random pics of himself constantly... and people do pay him for cameos. He considers himself a 'star' and 'attractive'. Which to me I guess he kind of is, but I like dorkier type men. That's just how I am lol....

Well anyways, I asked a random question and he was quick to say he has no interest in a relationship with myself or anyone else, and then I made him uncomfortable when I asked a personal question in which he said was fine to ask. He said 'I don't feel comfortable discussing this.'.

Ok... so he felt fine sending d*ck pics, saving every nude pic he got from 'fans', etc...... tells me I'm cute and likes my voice... but then acts weird as hell if anything I say isn't strictly pg rated and about stupid shit?

Is this just his way of avoiding the truth and saying look you're not my type? Did the break up with his wife just make him salty? Is he just fucking with my head? I'm confused what to even think. I even told him I didn't want a relationship, since I'm in one. Yet he continiously repeats he doesn't want one, and doesn't want to talk about sex stuff. (It wasn't even bad, I was just asking if he was more of a dom. period.) He answered he was. Then before I know it he 'disappears' yet again. So I went a message asking what is going on.... and to just be blunt if it's just me in general he's not interest in... even as a friend. I feel like he's sending mixed signals!

What on earth is going on!? sigh.... thanks.

View related questions: divorce, engaged, his ex, period, text

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 January 2019):

I'm going to be frank. Your posts are very contradictory and all over the place. Your motives and intentions towards this so-called celebrity seem erratic and confusing. The style of writing used may be throwing-off exactly what you mean; because of poor sentence-structure and many grammatical errors.

If you're engaged, there seems to be far too much interaction with this celeb-guy. I'm skeptical of the accuracy of your commentary; and not quite sure where you're going with your communication with the guy.

I wouldn't hesitate to say you're confusing him; and he probably has no idea where you're coming from. It seems you're trying to create drama and some sort of ongoing relationship. What kind of relationship that is, that's the question? You are trying to make your connection more familiar than it actually is. He is corresponding with you as he communicates with any fan. You're confused only because you think it's more than what it is.

Popular male public-figures vying for celebrity-status are used to a lot of female-attention. It boosts their egos; and they crave media-exposure. So they welcome the ladies who admire them. The more the merrier! They coax women into sending them photos and likes; that's how they grow their fan-base. Making you believe he has some special-interest directed specifically at you. It's typical player-behavior. He's a manipulator. It's what his job demands. He wants to be a media icon and a heartthrob! He's establishing his brand! He's nothing but a gimmicky media-hound!

Sorry if I was off about what I said; but I doubt that I was. I think you just don't like it.

I still believe this is quite weird, and pop-culture and celebrity-idolization might be more appropriate for someone in their teens and early 20's. I can see where your fiance is uncomfortable; and there may be some justification why his parents are unsure about you. You are somewhat abrasive and defensive; but you did ask for opinion in an open-forum.

Sometimes people misunderstand our ways and may misjudge us. If you want your engagement to remain intact; I think you should disconnect with that wannabe-celebrity. I don't think he fully comprehends your intentions; and I think you're a nice person, but often misunderstood. I also think that guy is a conceited jerk, and you should try to make real friends with people who are more ordinary and sincere.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (30 January 2019):

Code Warrior agony auntOK. Well, that's a lot of important information that you left out of your original post. In addition, the way you worded your original post was extremely poor relative to the new information you've provided.

In your update you said:

"If you reread my message, not once did I say I tried to talk sexual..."

Yes you did talk sexual:

"...Yet he continiously repeats he doesn't want one, and doesn't want to talk about sex stuff. (It wasn't even bad, I was just asking if he was more of a dom. period.) He answered he was. "

I don't know what a "dom." is, I can assume it's short for dominant, but I don't keep up with slang. It's not unreasonable to assume that had he allowed the conversation to progress more sexually explicit things would've been discussed. It left me with the impression that you were trying to engage him in a sexual conversation and he was preventing it.

The rest of your update statement:

"...nor did I say I personally got d*ck pictures. I said he sent them out like crazy and was really weird about it to other girls etc."

It's not unreasonable for us to have concluded that he did considering these quotes from your original post:

"He's sent me messages, voice ones, and just text ones via Instagram. Even random pics of himself constantly... and people do pay him for cameos... Ok... so he felt fine sending d*ck pics, saving every nude pic he got from 'fans', etc...... tells me I'm cute and likes my voice... but then acts weird as hell if anything I say isn't strictly pg rated and about stupid shit?"

While you never stated that you personally received dick pics, you didn't specifically deny receiving them either. Basically, you said he sent random pics of himself constantly, among which were cameo shots, but that doesn't rule out that dick pics were also among the random set of pictures. Furthermore, your lament that he acts wierd as hell if you say anything that's not pg rated, implies that you were saying things that weren't pg rated, which when combined with the fact that you did ask a question about if he was a "dom." would imply that you were steering the conversation in a sexual direction.

In your original post, you came across to me as a gold digger looking for the bigger, better, deal. You need to re-read your post as if you're one of us aunts that doesn't know you and doesn't have any of that new information. Given the new information, your original post assumed we knew a lot about your life and could read between the lines. You're just some random person on the internet posting a question and looking for advice. We can only base our advice on your post. Your post is ALL WE KNOW ABOUT YOU! When you tell is that you were trying to engage him in conversations about his sexual proclivities and he was shutting you down and then you follow that with implying that he's being hypocritical because he thinks it's ok to send out dick pics to women, since you didn't specifically state that you weren't among that group of women, it's not unreasonable for us to conclude that you were in the group that did. Furthermore, your apparent concern over his feelings about you combined with your admission that you tried to speak with him about sex topics doesn't support the claim you made in your original post that you've got no interest in a relationship with him. If you re-read your original post from our perspective it should be clear to you what impression you were leaving. That impression is nowhere near what you intended.

With the new information, I would still ask you why you're getting married to this guy? While things may be better living near your family, his family will still say nasty things about you and will work against you. It might have less impact at such a distance, but it will still have an impact. Marriage is hard enough without that family drama. Will he be happy not seeing his family?

As far as the celeb goes, again, who gives a shit what he thinks of you? You're getting married and if it was easy for us to misconstrue your intentions toward the celeb, it seems like it would be pretty easy for your fiance to do so too. And, if you come back to tell us that your fiance already knows about it, then I would point out that you left that out too and it's not unreasonable for us to conclude that your fiance doesn't know. Regardless, my advice to you is to stop talking to the celeb and stop caring about what he's up to with his behavior.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I am the original poster of this question...

Oh, and the majority of you do have it all wrong. I am not 'allowed' to have friends of any gender. I have not cheated, I have felt guilty befriending people because it makes my fiance uncomfortable because he, himself, has done things he shouldn't have in the past and puts it on me. His family didn't like me since day once (2000) and when I lost my weight, I was told in 2015 I am not ACCEPTED by them because I'm no longer disgustingly fat. So no, I assure you, I'm not just taking an innocent man from his loving family. I moved here away from my family for 14 years and have been verbally abused since day one. Even when I miscarried both of our children. My fiance left me at the hospital alone, he now regrets it, and his parents scolded me on having premarital sex and that I deserved it. Mind you, they're not religious. However, their daughter who is my exact age met a random guy, told the parents she's bored and doesn't identify as a female or male, and figured she'd have a kid. They are not married. The family are kind to them. Bought them a house, two cars, etc etc etc and have literally told other people, other family members, etc that they dislike their son because he picked starting a relationship so early and they didn't approve of it. Yet now it's ok, but just for his sister and her boyfriend... i mean girlfriend, i mean... they don't use labels. I don't know wtf they are. I think I was overly tired when I wrote this post.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I am the original poster of this question...

If you reread my message, not once did I say I tried to talk sexual nor did I say I personally got d*ck pictures. I said he sent them out like crazy and was really weird about it to other girls etc. My confusion was he assumed everything I said must of insinuated I wanted to be 'sexual' with him or have some sort of relationship. I flat out said to him, FRIENDSHIP ONLY. He's married. I'm engaged. And now I'm starting to see he's sort of a narcissist. His now ex was right lol... he has one type of girl, which hey cool. But don't ask for a picture (and I sent only a pg rated one, that's it) and say how cute I am but then flip shit other days it's weird as hell. Then spam text me/call me/insta me... it's weird! I'm slowly backing off this friendship. I'm not worried, because I didn't say anything bad to them that could ruin my current engagement. Mind you, I've been with my current since I was 13... I'm 32. We were great until we moved near his folks. Now we are moving to where MY family live who actually ACCEPT us.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (28 January 2019):

Code Warrior agony auntWhy are you getting married?

The old adage that "when you marry someone, you marry their family too", has it's basis in truth. Moving away doesn't guarantee that there won't be family drama. In fact, it's likely there will be drama. Basing your future on a hope that his family's negatives won't impact your marriage would be foolish even if you had the best possible relationship with your fiance, but you don't even describe your relationship with him as good. It seems like you ought to be asking yourself why you're getting married. He doesn't seem to be Mr. Right, he seems to be Mr. Right Now.

Then there's the whole nonsense of your friendship with this celeb. He's sending you dick pics and you're trying to have explicit sexual conversations with him, but he's shutting that shit down, and you're claiming you don't want a relationship, yet you're here asking us whether or not we think he has a thing for you? If you don't want a relationship with him and you're getting married, why do you even care if he's interested?

The only reasons I can think of as to why you care are ego and hypergamy. Maybe you get an ego boost when celebrities are sexually interested in you even if you have no intention of pursuing it. However, this celeb is denying you that ego boost by claiming he's not interested, so now you're seeking other opinions. On the other hand, maybe you're engaging in hypergamy and think the celeb can give you a better deal than Mr. Right Now so you're hoping to monkey branch on over to Mr. Celeb in the near future, but he's giving you the equivalent of a female cock block, so you're here asking for opinions in order to determine if you should continue try to overcome his female cock block. In that scenario, you marry Mr. Right Now, but then continue to pursue Mr. Celeb so that when the shit inevitably hits the fan with Mr. Right Now's family, or any other reason, you'll land in a relationship with Mr. Celeb.

All that other shit you said about yourself sounds like virtue signalling bullshit to me. You're an empathetic person who cares way too much, yet you seem oblivious to the fact that you're trying to engage in explicit sexual conversations with a celeb friend behind your fiance's back, while at the same time worrying about whether or not the celeb is interested in you. It seems like your empathy and caring doesn't extend to your fiance when it comes to how it might make him feel if he found out what you're up to.

If that's the case, then maybe Mr. Right Now's family suspects you're not the caring empath you claim to be and they're trying to get your fiance to dump you, thus you label them "insane and cruel".

I don't know, I could be totally wrong about this, but that doesn't change the fact that what you're doing with this celeb behind your fiance's back is not the kind of behavior one would expect from someone who takes their engagement seriously. It's more in line with someone who's always looking to keep their options open in the hopes of landing the bigger, better deal.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (28 January 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntShould you not be concentrating on your relationship with your fiance rather than some random "star"? Your description of your relationship sounds like there could be much work needed.

Does your fiance know about your "friendship" with this guy? Have you asked HIS opinion on it?

I am a lot older than you, have had numerous REAL male friends over the years and still do (i.e. no hidden agendas, no sexual conversations, just real friendship). Not one of them has ever sent me a pic of his junk. Were this to happen, they would be immediately sidelined and we would no longer be friends. This new "friend" doesn't sound like a very nice person at all. If you need to feel useful/supportive, perhaps you could volunteer to help people who are truly in need, like the elderly or the homeless?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (28 January 2019):

This is the creepiest post I've read in awhile. Reality-TV celebrities are not real celebs. They're people like you and me; and only popular due to exposure of their personal-lives through TV and social media.

Nothing is going to come of your connection with this guy. You're just another fan and tribute to his ego.

Trust me. He has dozens of these conversations going on at a time; and some may not even be coming from him, but hackers who found you. You're considered one of his nutty-fans, and he's preying on your idol-worship.

What's going on?

Nothing!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (27 January 2019):

N91 agony auntWhat are you asking here? This sounds like a bizarre situation.

What you’re describing doesn’t sound like a friendship. My female friends don’t send me nude pictures. It sounds like you’ve got a guy who’s trying to get you into bed, why would he be sending you dick pics if he’s not interested? Why are you chatting to a guy who’s sending you dick pictures?

Sounds like you’re just speaking to him because he’s ‘famous’ just to say you know a celeb. Can’t think why else you’d be trying to work out what this guys up to when he’s sending very inappropriate messages.

Concentrate on your ‘not so great’ relationship.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 January 2019):

Honeypie agony auntEh SO freaking what that he is some Z-list "celebrity" WHO the F cares?!

You know his conversations with you aren't appropriate, he doesn't exactly act very much like a friend towards you - but my guess is yo uare SO "impressed" because of his "celebrity status" that you are "allowing" his crass behavior.

OP, he OBVIOUSLY have tons of women throwing themselves as you, just because you "supported" him and rubbed his big ego - but you are JUST that... like the rest of them.. an ADMIRER.

He also stated he wants NOTHING to do with you, even as a "friend" so BLOCK the douche canoe and focus on your OWN relationship instead of these fake people.

You enjoyed the entertainment and "fame" he has because you have a crappy relationship. You really think moving or getting married is going to fix that? If so, GET OFF social media "befriending" celebrities and WORK to make the relationship work BEFORE getting married.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (27 January 2019):

chigirl agony auntI dont get what your question is. You are engaged in a crappy relationship, yet are fine with getting dick pics and talking about sex with this cheating man. And then you think HE is sending mixed signals? Look, you are the one mixing it up here, not him.

Decide your relationship status and stick to it. Its simple. Everything else is just drama.

And how on earth is your celebrity-status at all relevant? Just.. really weird how you think that somehow matters.

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