A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts and uncles, I really need your help. I'm here because I'm completely out of ideas regarding my younger brother and his spending habits. His last text to me ("I spent $200 on dinner last night") was the final straw. He is 21 and still in college, and has never had any kind of job in his life. So he has no concept of what it actually takes to EARN the money he blows on materialistic things. My parents aren't rich. They're well enough off to fund his shenanigans, I guess, but not so well off that my mom doesn't vent to me about how annoyed they are with his spending behavior. Literally, every time I call her about anything she always turns the conversation to that and will literally spend an hour practically lecturing me about him.I don't know what to tell her, except that she is preaching to the choir. I am 23 and unlike my brother, have been working at least part time since age 16. (I work full time now and take care to live well within my means so I can put a little in savings each month.) I've been in that stereotypical fast food job making minimum wage before, so I'll always have a concept of how much time 8 dollars can cost you. I pay my own bills, and I'm tired of hearing my mom complain to me that she just wrote him a check for however many thousands of dollars and here he is "needing" money for something else. (She is paranoid that he'll end up with a bad credit history, so she always says yes.) She has tried talking to him, but he doesn't listen. I think my dad has too, and I definitely have. He blows my comments off. I'm out of ideas. I know it is not my job to parent him but I do know I will keep hearing about it if they don't improve his ways. It's too late for them to go back and make him work summers and weekends in high school, which is what they probably should have done. (Hindsight is 20/20, of course.)I think she needs to cut him off and let him learn the hard way for a bit, but she won't do that because of her concerns about his credit. Any other ideas or possible solutions are greatly appreciated, because I am completely at a loss :)
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 December 2011):
 Collect some pamphlets on financial abuse of the elderly for this is her problem to solve. But perhaps if she read what society defines as elder abuse the she would be less cavalier about bailing him out again.Because he will only get worse. Who knows whether he has a gambling or alcohol or worse, illicit drugs now? And your Mom is perhaps not much older than 50? But forwarned is forearmed. Next time she starts complaining about bailing her son out again just leave a pamplet on financial abuse in front of her and walk out the roomSay nothing. But with his exploititive behavior he is a prime candidate to become her financial ABUSER in years to comeHere are some links on Financial abusehttp://www.elder-abuse-information.com/abuse/abuse_financial.htmhttp://www.cpa.org.uk/policy/briefings/financial_abuse.pdfhttp://www.state.il.us/aging/1abuselegal/abuse_financial.htmhttp://www.globalaging.org/http://www.inpea.net/images/Elder_Abuse_Fact_Sheet.pdf
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 December 2011):
Sometimes the baby of the family can practically get away with murder. My sisters (especially my middle sister) would get upset that my parents would let me do whatever I want, weren't as strict with me, and my dad helps me a lot more. The reason why he can help me more financially, is he makes a lot more money now than he did when my sisters were growing up (they're a lot more older than I am).
Anyhow, they do seem to be spoiling him a bit much. I understand parents want to help and sometimes kids do need help. But it sounds like your brother is taking advantage of your parents and your parents are just going along with it, even if it is bothering them. Your parents probably need to put him on a set allowance or help him with a budget, as well as encourage him to find at least part time work or be in school if he's just going to sponge off of them.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 December 2011):
 You need to tell your mother that her issues with HER SON are just that… HER issues not yours. Yes she is unhappy and venting but it’s not right to complain about one child to another.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (23 December 2011):
 His credit rating is HIS problem; kill the over-indulgent funding and let him see what the real world is like - he will soon point his head in the right direction......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): At the end of the day it is only between your parents and your brother. Tell them you don't want to hear about it anymore, and tell your mum that it's none of your business and you don't want to be mean to her, but you can't take her venting anymore when she isn't doing anything to change the sitation. The fact is at the end of the day she is doing this because she wants to help him, whether it is right or wrong, it's how it is. Your Mum has the problem and she has to deal with it by discussing it directly with him. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (23 December 2011):
 Not to ratt myself out but I was spoiled like that myself. Not to that extent but I have an older brother that used to complain to my parents about me getting everything I wanted while he worked for it. He had a point and as I got older I slowly started making my own way. It took me a while too. Like until my late 20's. So, along with what the others are saying is just to remove yourself from the situation, even if it means being rude about it. You have your sanity to think of. And you are right, it's kind of too late for your brother to learn certain lessons now. But what they can do is make him get a part time job to help pay for some of this or they will cut him off. Even go so far as getting him the job if they have too. You can tell your parents that and then say bye.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): Look all you can do is tell her you're bored of hearing about him, has she any other news. Tell your brother to shut his leeching, spoiled ass boasting to you about spending his mammy's money.
She has no right to complain when she's just feeding his lifestyle. So just change the subject every time. Tell her she has no right to put this on you and if she wants to solve it then she can. Is she going to spend every penny she ever earns on making sure he doesn't lose his credit rating? Because she'll have to spend the rest of her life doing so, because he has absolutely no incentive to change while she keeps doing that. Tell her to stop wiping his ass, it's time he learned to use the potty, cut the apron strings, put her tit back in her bra because it's time to feed him solids, I'm sure you can think of a more metaphor.
If it was me I'd just tell them all to shut up about it. If she wants to be a sap you don't want to hear about it, if he wants to be leech then you don't want to hear about it.
That's it OP. Mammy's little boy is going to take all he can get and your mother will keep "protecting" her little angel.
As you said though OP, she failed him this regard by spoiling him and she assumes he'll cop on himself but he won't, he doesn't have to.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 December 2011):
 "Mom, we had this exact same conversation about him last week and twice the week before, and three times the week before that and twice the week before that! I've lost count of how many times we've had this conversation.
You seem to be repeating yourself, are you okay? I'm beginning to get worried about you. Do you remember having these talks? Do you remember what you decided you would do? Do you remember what your game plan was to deal with his excessive spending?
Maybe it's time he learns how to cope on his own, as I did and as you and Dad did.
Anyway, I guess if you're okay, I'm just kind of tired and drained from hearing about his spending habits and how he gets 1000s of dollars from you when I have worked for all my money. I guess it's getting on my nerves too. I don't want to talk about this any more, can we please change the subject?"
It's up to him and them how they deal with each other and his/their money. Just extract yourself from the conversation.
One thing I've learned from alz.org is that if someone is showing odd judgement and makes financial decisions that are contrary to common sense, that's a red flag for dementia or impaired cognitition. Please be sure she is up to date on her doctors' appointments and press your parents if she continues to show abnormal thought processes.
At 23, you are old enough to look after yourself and recognize that life isn't fair. Some people get more than their "fair" share of resources because of their individual needs. All you can do is live your life and let the nonsense slide off your back like rain off a duck.... learn to let go, I guess is my advice.
Best wishes to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): I agree with you, I think your mother needs to cut him off.
Actually, I think it's her responsibility to cut him off. If she's giving him money and then complaining about it to you, she's enabling him and she's wasting your time and energy.
I've had similar dynamics between my mother and siblings...my mother would rather gripe about one of my siblings than actually do something. Eventually I tired of the griping and asked her to talk directly to them, not to me.
At the heart of it, this is your mom's problem, not yours. If you want to help her and your brother out, tell her to do something about it rather than complain to you. She has to be brave enough to let him learn his own mistakes and that means she has to stop bailing him out. This might be hastened if you were tougher on your mom rather than just being a open ear. As long as you aren't feeding your brother's habit, he's not going to care about what you have to say.
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