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My wife seems to have lost interest in sex but I suspects she masturbates

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 February 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 19 February 2018)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I'm a male 58,my wife is 58.we always had a good sex life but,now,she never ask me to give her an orgasam.she doesn't want me to kiss her much,very little breast touching.very little vagina touching.

she acts like she doesn't care no more but will give me sex when I want it.but I want foreplay and affection.then sex she wants me to go straight to it.she want talk about sex at all.

I think she been pleasing herself in the morning before I wake up.I know she has with a shower head.but when I ask she says shes not a pervert.

what can I do?

View related questions: foreplay, sex life, vagina

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A female reader, SadBella United States +, writes (19 February 2018):

SadBella agony auntNobody asked you if you had at any point told her she had an odor from her menopause some men find women’s smell changes not in a bad way but I can assure that she could have taken it quite personally.

When you mentioned the masterbation in the shower you said it as if you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was master bating and yet you asked her if she do you know she was are you taping her while she showers? Did you sneak in and watch her? Just odd the way you said it and it makes me think you did something creepy

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (13 February 2018):

If she still has sexual desire but is not showing it to you means only one thing - she is not sexually attracted to you anymore.

This is on you. Get your ass into the gym. Spend time on your appearance. Women are sexually attracted to masculine men - start acting more dominant and manly. Pretty straight forward.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 February 2018):

Your wife hasn't been able to talk about sex probably because she's too embarrassed to. It's an awkward conversation when your partner complains about it. Age, hormone-deficiencies, vaginal-dryness, side-effects from medication, surgery, lowered sex-drive, and menopause affect the sex-lives of women over 40. You still need to talk about it.

You have to realize that as people age, sex-drive declines; even if masturbation continues. Self-pleasure doesn't require as much time, energy, or emotional-involvement as real-sex.

If you've been together all these years; it gets a little boring and predictable. You also have to be a little creative. Raging-hormones was the advantage in younger years!

Why discussing sex for people over 50 is so hard? That's tough to say. When you're married, it has to be discussed when a problem arises; or it is often the basis of a divorce late in life. The wrong solution is cheating. If things have reached that pitch, she had better be told.

She has to know in your best chosen-words how you feel that you're growing distant; and the lack of intimacy worries you that you might be doing something wrong. Maybe you're growing apart.

I have to agree with Honeypie about masturbation. It's really very private, and it's best that discussion about it is voluntary. Otherwise; your partner may shutdown completely out of shame, or fear you'll object to it.

She also has to check her selfishness and realize how it is upsetting you; and depriving you of what you need, from and with her. So talk about it. Don't confront her about what you can only assume is the reason, best you hear it from her. Let her know that if she continues to avoid the conversation you fear you'll only grow more distant. You don't want that. You may consider going to marital-counseling; if it is so hard for her to open-up to you.

It may be time for a special romantic-vacation to break the doldrums and spark a little heat into your marriage.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (12 February 2018):

Sex often gets boring and it sounds like this is what is happening with her. Is sex pretty much the same time after time? Do you ever experiment with toys, bondage, positions, porn or anything?

The only way out of this is to have open two-way communication with her although given that she seems closed off, this may be difficult to achieve. This is a very common problem that professional therapists encounter; just a few visits could very likely get you two back on track.

Make sure your hygiene is first body odors or bad breath.

Doing a Google search for "boring sex" brings up over 21 million links. Do this search and take a look at at least a dozen of them. You'll likely be able to identify with the problems mentioned and read about solutions.

Don't be complacent and let this matter fester. It'll only get worse for both of you. Get working on this.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (12 February 2018):

You can have an open honest talk with your wife. Ask her why she has gone off sex with you. If she can’t give you a straight answer you may need to make a decision about where your marriage is headed.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou can butt out of her masturbation. That is really none of your business. If she doesn't want to SHARE that with you, then don't poke.

But you can ask her what has changed with the sex you two used to have. And what you can do to improve on the sex you have now.

Given your ages, menopause is probably a big thing in all of this.

The fact that she just seems to want to get it over with might be that she isn't exactly enjoying the sex as much as she used to but she still wants to keep YOU happy.

You two need to talk - whether she wants to or not, but don't bring in the masturbation. She obviously either feels shame about it or just don't want to share. HER choice IMHO.

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