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I want my pastor to treat me as he does others

Tagged as: Big Questions, Friends, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 February 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 13 February 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

OK my head is frying and I have no one I can talk to about this without it ending up a mess.

My pastor is hurting and confusing me! I am a young single mum to a 8 year old. I find life though sometimes. My pastor came out too see me 3 times in a row to chat to me and help which was fine. Until someone said to me that's not appropriate as he is married.

He was going too come too see me again the next week and acting on advice to protect him I told him my Dad would be there this time. My pastor then stopped all communication with me and ignored my texts and never came out, even at Church he was distant.

What did I do wrong? We have had some communication since then but not much. One phone call he was very nice and supportive. Then following that on another he told me if I don't do what he asks of me he will give up on me and my Dad and everyone else will.

I have been struggling with depression and took 3 months away from Church and started feeling healthy again. I went back and tried to speak to him and told him of my depression but I'm in a good place and he was supportive again, until one of the female elders came over and he went very distant and horrible to me again. As I was walking away I heard her say, "you know you shouldn't." He responded with, "I know but"

This is all prob coming out as mixed up as it is in my head but why does he treat me like warm and loving like a pastor should then cold and harsh.

I don't understand. The past year I have just wanted to grow and learn from Church, God. But I feel I ended up in a horrible twisted place with my pastor.

How do I get him to be consistent and treat me like every other Church member? Without these issues.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2018):

I understand. I was in a similar situation. He wasn't a pastor but he was my dance instructor. We slid down that slippery slope when he started to give me extra lessons outside business hours. And he did of his own free will and on his own time. I asked him for advice on my dance steps and it was he who suggested my routine needed work and that we practice after hours. He was married. And the attraction was so intense it was insane. Up til then he was hot and cold with me too. He would pay attention in classes as if I was the only one in the room. He'd hang around to talk to me etc. Then he'd pull away and ignore me. If there were other people around, he'd talk to them and I was invisible. He really messed up my mind and my emotions. I loved him and he pushed me away. Then when I distanced myself, he'd pull me back in. I, too, was a young single mom. And if discovered, he could lose it all. His marriage, his livelihood, his reputation. We ended up having an affair. We couldn't stop the attraction but we could have stopped the affair from happening. But we convinced ourselves we were powerless to stop it. What it really is, is an addiction. Your brain is on love drugs and love makes us crazy. Do things we wouldn't do if we thought logically and rationally. So your reactions are normal. You are addicted to the feelings he gives you about yourself. He lifts you from your depression and your ho hum life. The high off this love drug feels so good compared to being depressed and not feeling good about yourself. But you are not powerless to make the right choice. And walk away now. I know it's hard but nothing good will come of this. And it will only get harder the harder you fall for him.

Your brain is producing chemicals which create an addiction to him.

The only way to kill those chemicals is cold turkey I'm afraid. The more you stay around him, the more you feed those chemicals.

It takes a lot of strength to walk away.

But you need to do it for your own sanity. You need to be sane and stable for your child, and not an emotional mess. You need to get your priorities straight and help from a mental health professional not associated with a church.

Believe me, once you have crossed to the other side, it changes you and you will lose yourself. You will wish you never crossed that line. Because once the chemicals wear off and you are staring at the cold light of day, all you are going to ever be is a girl he slept with, will never fall in love with and he would never sacrifice his life and reputation for you. You will end up feeling broken and devastated. And people will talk badly about you. He will recover; he may quietly be moved to another Church to start over, his wife in tow. And you will be left all alone and more depressed than ever.

This man is not the answer. You are attempting to use him as an escape or distraction from your real problems and issues within yourself.

He does not have your best interests at heart. He is thinking with his little head. He pulls away because he knows it's wrong and he feels guilty and it's against his morals.

His actions say to me he's done this before. But who knows? You could be the first.

I am sorry but you are only going to make things worse for yourself if you don't cut contact.

I have been there so I can tell you how it's going to end. With your devastation. It's better to grieve this loss now than later when it has too large a hold on you.

Do the right thing.

Love yourself.

Walk away.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (13 February 2018):

femmenoir agony auntIt does sound as though you & your pastor are getting way too close for comfort, even if this wasn't ever your plan.

You are not 15, so logic would dictate, that you ought know better as to what your Pastor's true motives are.

A professional Pastor and a Pastor whom is true to his Lord God, would never, ever break his Godly vows and make a complete fool of himself in the presence of his entire congregation.

You too, you must also take full responsibility for your own actions and the best way you can do this at this stage, is to stay away from this man and to get involved within another church.

I'm sorry, but i will confess that you sound quite attracted to this Pastor and he to you.

You know exactly what's going on, yet you seem to portray grand confusion.

The issue with these sorts of adverse connections, is that, it won't only affect you and the Pastor of this church, however, it spreads around like wildfire.

In the end, everybody finds out what's really going on between you and the Pastor of the church you attend.

Your actions don't only affect you and the Pastor, but all those who know he and you.

This Pastor, he has to conduct himself accordingly and if he cannot, then why on earth did he make such a commitment before God?

He stands as a real role model to all who seek solace and comfort within his church and he should always conduct himself with full moral integrity.

This, is expected of him, by all who know him, place their time and trust in him and stand before him.

It's certainly not a win, win situation, so whilst nothing adverse has yet happened, please make the smartest move and get out of there.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 February 2018):

Counseling is normally done by appointment at the rectory, in an office; or whatever area is officially designated for having meetings and sessions with the church membership.

I'm going to say you are both out of line.

Pastors do make regular house-calls. They do make occasional visits among their congregations; but they are usually to pray for the sick, conduct prayer-meetings, or participate in family-interventions. Perhaps an occasional dinner invitation; which is extended to his wife.

He shouldn't compromise his credibility and standing among his peers and congregation; by visiting some single-female who is demanding he show-up. Nor should you be frequently calling him with full-knowledge he is a married-man.

Too much interaction between you and the pastor can be misconstrued. Church-people are gossipy, judgmental, and often self-righteous.

You are far too demanding of his time! You are not supposed to be treated any better or worse than any other church-member. If it's a crush, get a grip on it! That's inappropriate in too may ways!

Your depression should be treated by a licensed and trained therapist, or a mental-health processional. Not your pastor!

You can attend Bible-study and prayer-meetings for additional spiritual instruction. Call a church-senior, or one of the deacons. They also offer spiritual-guidance.

Otherwise; take your problems to God as you're taught each and every Sunday, and an in accordance to your scriptures. The pastor is not your Savior. He is way out of line if he visits you for any reason; but to discuss Bible and scriptures.

Personal phone-calls or random social-visits are not his obligation; nor are those church-related matters. You're trying to date your pastor, and you're implying that he is somehow taking advantage of you.

I recommend you find another church and consult with God in prayer. See your therapist when you are suffering from your depression.

Why must he come to your home? Why do you need to see him so frequently? It's inappropriate that you require personal visits and that he would go out of his way to do it.

It seems your motives are more than spiritual; or his behavior borders on abuse of his position as pastor of your church, and misconduct. If he was warned by a parishioner; it's all over the church by now.

If it's all you, you are jeopardizing his marriage and he could be kicked out of his church. If you live by your faith, you would know better. If it's all him, stay away from him!

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (12 February 2018):

Pastors aren't always the good folks you think they are. We just had another case this weekend in LA...a pastor turned himself in this morning after being caught on a security camera doing some unmentionables with innocent young girls at a motel. Your pastor sounds like a creeper, too. The scene at the church with the female elder makes me wonder what that was all about. And why wouldn't he come over to see you when he heard that your dad would be there.

In any case, there is something weird and unsavory going on with this fellow in respect to you. It is time to find another church! In the meantime, I wouldn't go back to that church or talk with him at all. Personally, in respect to church and leading an exemplary life, I've cut out the middleman and live by the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Try this method while you are looking for another church. It works like a charm.

You ask what you did wrong. Absolutely nothing. You see him as running hot and cold with you. What he is really doing is dealing with his own guilt and is facing the probability that a church member or your dad will call him out on this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

He wants you, he tried to hide it and keep it quite. You told your Dad it got out how often he was giving you "pastoral care"

I can guarantee he has spun it to sound as if you are chasing him. Stop any contact with him as this will keep painting you as though you are. Even if your intention was innocent. His isn't.

Plus trying too control you?

Run sweetheart run! Find another Church. This is a wolf not a man of God.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

I think you should find another Church too attend. As this situation sounds very unhealthy. You said you felt healthy after being away for 3months.

I think your Pastor may have had attraction too you, and is trying is best to deal with it. Also sounds like he has help from his elders holding him accountable when he is in contact with you.

If you want really want to grow in God pray for your pastor, his Church, his wife. Then move on to another Church. This situation isn't good for either of you. Try and befriend some female leaders in future and limit time with Pastors unless you really need the help. Morning Coffee alone with them isn't appropriate remember they are human too. Pray for him. Walk away.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly and bluntly? OP?

He sounds like a shitty pastor.

You said (and I quote) " Then following that on another he told me if I don't do what he asks of me he will give up on me and my Dad and everyone else will."

What exactly did he ASK of you?

And how is saying something like that being supportive or helpful?

If I were you I'd look into finding a NEW church.

I think the rest of the congregation are presuming that because you are single you are trying to "tempt" the pastor or that HE can't control his URGES around you.

So make it simple and find a BETTER pastor/church where you can worship and get the support you need/desire.

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