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He makes insensitive comments then says I'm a drama queen

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 February 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 14 February 2018)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi everybody. I’m here to ask you if I’m a drama queen! My boyfriend of 4 months is 53 and I’m 40. He treats me well but sometimes he makes some insensitive comments. We were talking about birth control pills, I cannot take any kind of them, and he said how about if I get vasectomy. I told him you have mentioned few times you want to have a kid, he doesn’t have any, and he laughed and jokingly said yes but with someone younger! You said you are too tired to have a kid and mentioned you have a short window!

Even though he was joking I still couldn’t believe how insensitive his comment was! I am 13 years younger and he made such a comment! After realizing what he said he started apologizing and trying to change my mood and said he was teasing me. He knows I cannot and don’t want to have any babies outside the marriage and have no desire to do such a stupid thing being 4 months to a relationship. So it was completely irrelevant.

Sometimes he make such comments and if I get upset he says don’t be a drama queen! Am I?

View related questions: no desire, teasing

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2018):

Different perspective here.

I think he was saying it because he was annoyed that you don't want to have kids with him. I think it was an almost "well, fine then!" approach where he was like "Well yah, you already told me you didn't want any and are too tired, so of course i'm bringing up a vasectomy" But he said it in a joking way. I honestly don't think what he said was a big deal or meant like that at all. If he wanted kids he WOULD have to find someone different cuz quite frankly you don't want them. But it sounds like he wants to stay with you if he suggested a vasectomy, OP. You were calling each other's bluffs and teasing. Move on, it does seem like you are a bit of a drama queen.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHere is the thing, OP

He seems to not be entirely sure whether he wants kids or not. You don't one moment say I'll have a vasectomy and then the next joke about having to find a younger woman to "breed" a child with and to joke about putting a baby in you.... I think if he was ENTIRELY sure what he wanted - kids or no kids, he would ACT accordingly.

I wouldn't (if I were you) presume that TALKING about a vasectomy means he actually intends on HAVING one done.

And I wouldn't presume that he wouldn't attempt to knock you up either.

YOU have to decide if you can live with a guy who will say insensitive things in the name of humor or "just kidding/joking" OR if that is just not what you want in a partner. Because this is NOT a habit/trait that will change over time.

In my household sarcasm is pretty standard, everyone is fluent. (even the cats, no doubt) You CAN tease someone in a loving manner. And you CAN tease someone in a manner that leaves them feeling like crap. He might not know you well enough to know where you sense of humor lies. What you can "take" and what you won't take".

You two have only known each other for 4 months. so you are VERY much still in the get-to-know-you phase. things will pop up here and there and YOU (as well as he) needs to pay attention and not ignore those signs.

Talking to the waiter/waitress might not be a red flag to many - but it all comes down to so many things. Is he trying to be friendly and get the BEST service possible by using some "charm"? Or is he ignoring you to entertain himself and the wait-staff? See the difference?

So I think you are being SMART in NOT moving in with him any time soon. Not until you are sure you can handle ALL of him and his personality.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

I’m the original poster. Thanks everybody. Actually I don’t think he is serious about having a kid otherwise he wouldn’t suggest vasectomy but he has told many times that he wants to put a baby in me. He is talking about moving in with him when I’m comfortable which I won’t do it until I know he is a right person for me.

Another thing that bothers me about him is when we go out he talk to waiters or waitresses more than he should. We are compatible in everything else but I’m a not sure if I’m going to stay with him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

Sounds like this guy had let the cat out of the bag that he does see someone your age as a serious long term relationship . I'm late 40s and am very aware of the double standard and disrespect men can give to us women in This age group . Like you said your way younger than him and he's pretty much having a go at your age . I think you need to see that obviously he's not a viable option for your long term and cut him loose before he hurts you more . He obviously wants kids and he said with his own mouth that he wants someone even younger than you

Talk about making you feel like your not good enough

Find a guy who wants all that you have to offer and isn't wanting something more . He is using you to fill in time till miss mummy of the right age comes through his door then your just the old lady he will dump

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2018):

so he is showing you who he is. he does that kind of comments and what he is saying is true. do not waste more time with this guy. he wants kids with a younger woman. this is not you. move on before he dumps you with a silly excuse.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHe sounds like an idiot.

However, WHAT he said was true, was it not?

You are 40 so your"window" IS kind of small. Which would allude to the fact that IF he wants kids... He might have to find someone younger.

Honestly? If he has a habit of saying STUPID hurtful stuff, then THAT is who he is and YOU have to decide if that is something you can live with or not. And then act accordingly.

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