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anonymous
writes:Hello - I've asked about my alcoholic brother in law before, but I have a few new questions now because the situation has changed a bit. (I'm linking my first question at the bottom.)First let me set everything up (names changed, too): I'm 25, my husband (Miguel) is 24, and my brother in law (Sam) is 21. Sam is moving in with us tomorrow because he is being kicked off of his university campus for numerous alcoholic related citations. Along with those, he also committed a hate crime by calling a girl a c*nt and acting belligerent/violent to her and a group of people afterward.After Sam was notified that he would be kicked off campus, Miguel wrote his letter of appeal. The letter was rejected. Sam is not taking this seriously and has even laughed about it after all of the hard work his brother did for him. His mother even called the university to try and change things. (Notice Sam did nothing for himself.)Then he complained that he would rather live with his friends and that doesn't want to be dropped off to his classes early (we can only drop him off early in the mornings b/c we have work). Sam said he does not want to take the bus anywhere (he crashed his car while drunk), stood my husband up when he was supposed to have things packed to start gradually moving and acts irresponsible and inconsiderate in many other ways. He even told us that he refuses to get a job (his mother stepped in and told us she would pay for his groceries; we cannot support a third grown person - and we shouldn't have to.)My problem is that my husband and I do not want to have alcohol in our house while he is living here. We also know that Sam has done drugs, and we don't want that in our house at all! (Miguel and I are not into things like that!) We also do not want Sam to have any parties in our home, but he has a history of doing this at his parents' house while they've been away. In short - Sam is untrustworthy.I feel like Sam needs a swift kick in the butt about reality because he is ruining his life. What can Miguel and I do to help Sam since he's been babied his whole life and doesn't take his actions seriously?Also, I'm afraid that I'll feel resentful if he keeps complaining that he's living with us since we're doing him a huge favor. (At least that's the way I see taking in an inconsiderate drunk brother-in-law). What can I do or say so that I don't lash out at him one day? My husband is a little bit more leniant with him, but I'm not the same since I don't know him well.Sorry this is so long. Thank you all very much!!!http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-brother-in-law-is-an-alcoholic-and.html
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 May 2007):
 I just read your email. Your husband is ALREADY siding against you. He thinks it is OK to let an alcoholic drink in your home, and have his friends over, and NOT impose rules? Lady, your marriage is about to end. If your husband can not see that, then protect all your valuables before Sam gets there. Remove all your jewelery, family heirlooms, important documents (passport, borth certificate)...etc...think of it as if you know a fire is about to happen, and you have to get all the important stuff out of the house. Get a safety deposit box and keep your stuff separate, so that when Sam starts to rob you (and he will. He is an ADDICT, not the person his family knew growing up). Your husband is in denial, and he is being a wimp, NOT protecting his family, but putting you all at risk. Under no circumstance can you leave Sam alone for a week in your home. Now more than ever Sam NEEDS RULES. See a lawyer, looks like you are going to need one. If it was me, I would state an ultimatum....it is either Sam or you. -Frank
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be honest, I feel like I'm being too soft, too, but I don't want to cause the family to break apart. I mean, I know that *I* wouldn't be the cause, but they would see it that way since Sam apparently can do no wrong in their eyes.
My husband and I talked yesterday, too, and I told him that I thought it would be best to have a dry house, not let Sam's friends over, and have Sam help out with chores around the house. My husband said he would not become a draconian older brother. Now we've "agreed" to letting Sam drink and have friends over (not at the same time) while we're home. I think this is stupid and does not make sense. Then my husband told me if we enforce too many rules that my brother in law is known for acting irrationally if there are too many rules being imposed on him. I asked my husband what that meant, and he said that Sam may go out and get totally wasted at a friend's house to show us up or something.
I feel very uncomfortable about all of this. My husband and I are going away for a week in a couple of months and I don't want to leave Sam in our house alone. We have three dogs and I don't want Sam's friends over and possibly doing something to them or to our house. I want to tell him he has to leave for that week, but my husband thinks I'm being overreactive.
I want to say no to him living with us, but I don't want to cause a rift in the family.
I've just been sitting here staring at the screen for about 10 minutes now thinking about everything that's been discussed here --- I'm going to talk with my husband again about all of this tonight. Thank you very much!
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female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (25 May 2007):
 Please have a heart to heart with your husband about all of this and I pray you will get him to understand, because I would hate for his brother to come between you because of his alcohol problem. Tough love is the hardest like I said, however, please be strong...someone has to!!! My prayers will be with you!!!!
Good Luck!!!
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (25 May 2007):
I think you are still being too soft. Please do not let him move in, it will be harder to kick him out. My guess is that your husband is going to side against you once he is already there. Please be careful. -FBK
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question(PS - I know that my last post made it sound like I only was concerned about my own feelings. But the fact is that I do care what happens to my brother in law. I guess that's why I was second guessing myself about kicking him out. I only want to do what's best even if that's letting him hit rock bottom like you all said.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry it's taken me a while to respond. Thanks to everyone for the advice! I have decided that is Sam messes up once then I'm kicking him out.
The problem is that I've already started becoming resentful of the decision. Instead of moving in yesterday, he decided not to move in until next Tuesday. Now all of his stuff is sitting in our family room (which is practically our whole upstairs). He was supposed to let his parents take the stuff to their house (2 hours away) but forgot he didn't have our house key (he told Miguel that he did). So when I walked in and saw his things all over I got angry and called my husband. Miguel says it's not that big of a deal, but I see it as him already being inconsiderate and irresponsible - and he's not even living with us yet!
I've decided to overlook this after calming myself down and picking my battles wisely. When Sam moves in on Tuesday, I'm telling him what we expect and one strike, he's out. I think if Miguel tells him he will ignore it. Sam doesn't know me well and I think he knows I won't care if I have to kick him out as much as my brother does.
At least I know that I will not be acting like a jerk with all of the responses on here. I'm so glad that many of you wrote and let me know your views!!!!! Thank you so, so much. It means a lot to me. (As you might have guessed, I can be a push over at times, but hearing your opinions makes me realize I wouldn't be a jerk for kicking him out if need be.)
Thanks again!!
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female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (23 May 2007):
From experience here...I was once married to an alcoholic when I was in my 20's. He to was spoiled wrotten by his parents and family and they forgave him and always helped him for just about everything. What it did was not only ruin my already ruined marriage, but I realized (a little to late) was that if I said no....I MEANT NO! That if I picked up after everything HE screwed up, it only said to him "someone" will clean my mess up for me!! And he was right...till I had enough! When he finally screwed up at work, he took the fall...meaning he got fired. When I moved out...it meant fend for yourself and pay the bills and your child support from your previous marriage. (Mind you I did contact his family and told them YOU WILL NOT HELP HIM..HE MUST FALL!!! AND FALL HARD!!!) He finally did, and sought help for his problem through AA. We did divorce a year later, but it's because there were "other" issues along with this. I could forgive him, but I couldn't trust him. If you lay some ground rules at your home IF you must have him there, the FIRST screw up, HE MUST go out the door and your husband MUST agree to this as well and not be that forgiving. Ask your husband does he want him to ever get better? If he screws up in college and gets thrown out...then so be it...it's his problem, not your's. Do not let HIS problem become your problem as this to will interfere with your marriage and then you two will be heading for divorce court over HIS problem. Do you see what I mean? Tough love is the hardest, however, are we really doing them good by always helping them out when they are not learning from it? When they really are not having to think about what a mess they have got themselves in? Even if you think he is not thinking about it, he is, but he's thinking who in the family is going to clean it up for him, not the mess! It still could be awhile till he cleans his act up, because he will be the only one who will know what his "rock bottom" is, no one else. Best of luck to you both, and please stay strong NO MATTER WHAT!!!
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (23 May 2007):
Do NOT let him move in. Period. Would you let a poisonious snake loose in your house? Course not. This fool is poison for your marraige.
Let him live with his drunk friend, or drop him off at a youth hostile. Better still, drop him off to a rehab center.
You are not helping him, you are enabling him.
Again, do not let him move in.
He is trouble, and you know it. If he has not stolen from you before, he will start now...he has nothing to lose.
-FBK
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reader, DV1 +, writes (22 May 2007):
 That's not your problem. Put his stuff outside, and wish him the best. He needs to realize that his actions have consequences. It's not your fault. He chose to do these things, understanding the possibility of no longer going to school. It's on him. Don't concern yourself with his problems.
DV1
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reader, DV1 +, writes (22 May 2007):
I know that this sounds harsh, but it seems like Sam needs a shock to wake him up. Put his stuff outside the door, and wish him the best.
DV1
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reader, deejuliet +, writes (22 May 2007):
 Sounds to me like this boy needs some tough love. If you feel you absolutely must take this boy into your home, you need to lay down some groundrules first and then you and your husband must enforce them. Be brutal if you have to! Being leniant and letting him get away with crap is not helping him in the long run! First off, do not give him anything. A mattress on the floor and maybe a dresser is all he gets. Do not give him a beautiful, confortable room and access to everything as a reward for his bad behavior. If his Mom is paying for his groceries, great. But his meals are very basic - Kraft maccaroni, ramen soups, etc. Do not cook lovely meals for him like he is some sort of welcome guest! If he wont get a job, give him household tasks that he is REQUIRED to do as a condition of being allowed to continue to live there, this is his payment. Let him know on no uncertain terms that there will be no girls over, no friends over, no drugs or alchohol in the house, etc. YOU make the rules. Then let him know the concequences. First offense - blank will happen. Second offense you are on the street. No appeals. I know this all sounds pretty harsh, but it will be the only way he learns.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBTW - forgot to mention that Sam is required to attend meetings about his alcohol abuse and is also required to join his university's women's group and attend their meetings. Unless he does this, he can no longer attend that school at all.
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