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My step father pushed me into having sex, should I tell my mother? It could give her the strength to leave him.

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 September 2007) 18 Answers - (Newest, 21 August 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have a serious question that needs your opinion. Was I raped or sexualy abused by my step father? It started when I was 15. He and my mother were dating for just a few months at the time and he sorta slept over alot. One day It snowed so much school was let out early and I went home, He was there and my mom was at work. We kinda bumped heads alot, but were talking fine that day. He got comfortable and asked if he could put his head on my lap (we were watching a movie). I saw my mom do it all the time in front of me so I didn't think anything of it. I thought we were bonding, like a father daughter type thing. He then looked up my shirt and said "they look nice" refering to my breast, (yes I was wearing a bra) He then kissed one of my braest (over the bra). I was scared and didn't know what to do so I put my hand on my stomach so that he couldn't look up my shirt anymore. Then my mom called and we went to pick her up from work. A few weeks later we was home when I came home from school and he tried to kiss me. Mind you he's a body builer. I kept running away like a not so funny joke sorta thing, then he pinned me down and tried to kiss me. After failing a few times he gave up. Up to this point my mom knows nothing, not that she would believe me I think because of trust issues she had with me at that point in my life. Moving along we relocate to his place of birth and we all live with his aging mother to help her out. At this point I have 2 children, single and live with them still and I am 19. We are relocating back to our home town and my mom goes first to look for work and a place. He then says that since my mom is away I should give him oral sex. It

s better to keep it in the family. He asked if I prefered he cheat on my mom and I said no. At this point I'm in a town where everyone knows him including the police (he should of ran for mayor!) He was very popular!!!. So I did what I had to do so that my mother wouldn't get cheated on. A few weeks later it was time for me to go with my two children, to my mom. she had a place and a job. He then said that nothing was free and that he was paying for my plane ticket and my kids plane tickets and my bedroom set to be sent back home. He said I had to sleep with him. I was mortified. I was sick to my stomach for days. He said we would go out have a good time and that he would get me drunk so that I wouldn't remember a thing. Well, D day came and I wasn't drunk, he was buzzed. That night he came in my room on to the bed where my 2 year old slept next to me and did his business, He tried to kiss me but I moved my face, still and silent I layed there lifeless. I kept saying once I was home, he couldn't hurt me again. I had so many friends and family, and it was a big city where he only had a few friends. I was safe there. Well now I am 27, married, and he is still with my mom. She wants to leave him, he's cheated on her, and threatned to kill her on my wedding night on my porch (long story) so now I can't call or go to her house he says because I said once a cheater always a cheater. *WHATEVER* My dilemma is A. Was I raped, and B. should I tell my mom finaly, I think it would give her the strength she needs to leave him. Please help me. I don't want my mom to stay with him, but I don't want her to hate me or disown me either. :(

View related questions: at work, drunk, oral sex, wedding, wedding night

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010):

Dear Anonymous writer,

If I were you, I'd 1. Call the Cops

2. Tell your mother nice and calmly

3. Stay away from your step-dad.

Good Luck to you and your mother!

:)

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A male reader, CaptainSensible United Kingdom +, writes (16 February 2010):

Oral Sex with someone under 16 IS Ilegal. you shouldn't let the Scumbag get away with it.

i'm not sure if you were raped though- you didn't say no to sex and there was no strugle.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009):

you have the right to say so tell her

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A male reader, topgun4h United States +, writes (11 August 2008):

How do you jst sit by and make plans to have sex if you do not want to,, SAY NO.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007):

All i can say is well done, it took a strong person to do what you have done.

take care.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007):

please tell you mom it is the right thing and sent that pig to jail. you kept that inside you for to long its time to let it out. your mom will be ok, its better that you tell her.

good luch hun!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007):

u should tell her rather if u dont think she will beleive u but i think she will beleive u if its something bad like this so go ahead and do what u have 2 do and yes u were raped so dont feel bad about yor self just let the dumb fagged go on wit his life and u go on wit yours just make sure he stay is distance away from u and your child.

~~~~~~~~~~*******U R DOIN THE RIGHT THING BY TELLING YOUR MOM~~~~~~*********

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007):

I am so glad that you told your mom - well done you!

You are very lucky to have such a caring mom and she is very lucky to have such an honest daughter.

I wish you both every happiness, You will both be better off with this guy out of your lives.Take care x

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A female reader, rockelle United States +, writes (21 September 2007):

rockelle agony auntI am so glad that you told her and got that off of your chest! Dont you feel better? I am so happy that you are lucky enough to have a sensible parent that was very understanding about the whole situation. Good luck to you and your mom.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well folks, here's the update. I told my mother, well actually I showed her the post. (as suggested, thank you!!)She was devastated to say the least. She said she's not mad at me that she could never be mad at me. (phew) And she hasn't spoken to him or slept at their house in the past two days. She is looking to get a divorce as soon as possible which seems to be running into a 3K-4K expense. I hate how this loser is going to make a hole in my mother's pocket, but then again, a divorce from him would be worth every penny.

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A female reader, little miss helpful United Kingdom +, writes (21 September 2007):

little miss helpful agony auntyour mum wont disown you hun yes you was raped by him im affraid to say and he was him that did this to you. your mum will alaways love you and i think she has a right to know your right it will give her strength to leave him it will be like the finnal straw.

your her baby and always will be you cant let him get waway with it. you really need to tell her and maybe it would help to tel your husband????????

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A female reader, rockelle United States +, writes (19 September 2007):

rockelle agony auntI am so sorry to hear that this happened to you, and I hope that you tell your mother. Yes you were raped.This man is a monster. Any children that have come in contact with him could have been abused. She may be upset but she will eventually understand. Pleeeeaaaaassse tell her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all your resposes. My frieds told me preety much the same thing you have, but I needed to hear it from someone who didn't know me personaly. I don't care too much about pressing charges since I just want it done and over with. All I really want is for him to leave my mother and stay away from me and my family for ever. But this ofcourse is easier said than done. And if I don't tell the police or anything, he may do it again. Who knows what he's capable. I just may show my mom the post as my way of telling her. I'm just so scared since there's no going back after I hit the send button. Our lives will be forever changed. I don't think anything has ever happened to my kids (3 of which are beautiful girls) I have asked them about unwanted behaviors from anyone including family members, and that if they felt they couldn't tell me, to tell someone else. Thanks again...I have a difficult task ahead of me.

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A male reader, duce00 United States +, writes (19 September 2007):

duce00 agony auntYes you were raped and, yes you should tell your family. The way you were manipulated and emotionally blackmailed doesnt change what happened. The fact that you arnt sure if you were violated only shows how much damage has been done to you. This man probably has some disorder and you and your mother have been pulled into his nerousis.

I would start with getting a qualified professional to help you. Here is why. You obviously need some counseling and thats the first step. Next, you need to get some support from a 3rd party with legal clout. The course ahead of you is going to need this. If your step dad trys to obstruct the process of being discoverd for what he is, you will need more than just your word and a finger pointing at him. This will also help your mother as she enters a divorce with him. He is probably going to try to make things difficult for anybody who stands up against him and you and your mother need to have support when that happens, because it will.

Being scared to tell the truth is understandable, but living the rest of your life as a victim and walking around with these dark secrets is just wrong. You know this is true. Its time to break the cycle of abuse and dysfunction. Do it for yourself, your mother, and anybody else that could end up getting hut by this man.

No doubt things will get harder before they get easier, but thats what happens when you stand up and do the RIGHT thing sometimes. Bring your family close and anybody else that will help to keep you strong. You will probably be surprised by the support you get. If you attend church talk to your minister and rely on your faith. Theres alot you can do here and you just need to see the open doors of opertunity. If you stand up and be strong through this, you will come out on the other side an incredibly stronger woman, mother, daughter, wife, friend....you name it! You will be somebody whom you wouldnt believe could exist.

This advice comes from having to stand up and do the right thing myself. I made it, and so can you.

Private message me if you like,

Duce

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A female reader, leanne.od United Kingdom +, writes (19 September 2007):

leanne.od agony auntyes, you unwillingly was forced to have sex without your consent, so you were in fact raped. you need to tell your mum before something terrible happens to her, but first and foremost you need to tell the police.

what i would do is, tell the police, but make sure you arrange to see your mum before the police arrive to arrest him so that it is you who has told her, so that vile monster has not got time to put doubt in her mind. she will beleive you, you're her daughter, explain that you couldn't accept it yourself so didn't know how to tell her. if you talked to her first, she might try and talk you out of it because she is scared of him, you need to be strong and face this head on. this man has more likely than not done this to other people who are equally afraid to say anything, be the first and i bet others will follow, just pray that he wasn't left alone with your children. because who knows what this man is capable of?

i wish you all the luck and remember, be strong!

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A female reader, jugz United Kingdom +, writes (19 September 2007):

listen girl you gotta tell yo mama an the old bill coz this sicko aint gonna stop till you do summst bout it please dont be scarred to tell yo mama coz HE IS IN THE WRONG NOT YOU an no one will blame you

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007):

listen girl tell your mom she needs to know what sort ov creep she is involved with and you need to fone the police aswell coz its sicko's like that that shud be hung dont listen to him an tell your mom wen he aint around i hope you manage to get away from him

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007):

I advise that you show her this post. Yes you were sexually abused, groomed almost and I would be very concerned about any children that have been left with this man without your mother around.

You should have told your mom the minute this started, he only tried it on further because you didnt speak up the first time and he saw you as vunerable and an easy target.

This story is very sad, someone that you put your trust in completely took advantage of you at a confusing time in your life, you were then bribed and used. If I were you I would even report him to the police as you dont really know what he is capable of, you probably werent the first nor the last.

The main thing to remember is that this isnt your fault and you weren't asking for it. In a round about way you were protecting your mom.She probably wont see it this way to begin with, lets just hope she can understand with time. Dont give up on her and get this man out of your lives.Don't let this be the bain of your life, get it out in the open.

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