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My sons are using the house for dating. What should I tell them?

Tagged as: Family, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 December 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 12 December 2017)
A male Canada age 41-50, *ingledadofboys writes:

I’m a single dad of two teenage boys, one is 17 (almost 18) the other is 15. My oldest has a girlfriend and recently I found out they have been using my house after school for their hook up spot. I came home from work last week and found an empty condom wrapper on my sons bedroom floor. When I asked him about It he laughed it off saying that at least he was being safe. My 15 year old then informed me that his (my oldest sons) girl friends comes here almost every day after school and they stay in his bed room the whole time. I’m not shocked. I remember being a teenage boy and any chance I had being in a house alone it was to do thing I shouldn’t be doing.

I was talking to a co worker about it and she was shocked I wasn’t going to do anything about it. Am I wrong for being ok with it. I can tell him that she can’t come over but what is that going to do? They will just find some place else and I can’t quit my job to make sure they are not there. I have given him safe sex talks. I make sure there are always condoms in the house. What else should I be doing.

His girlfriend is 17 so they are both the same age. I haven’t talked to her parents because I’m not sure what to say. They know I work but I’m not sure if they know she is even here. I don’t want them to dislike my son just because they are having sex. He’s a great kid but I have a feeling that won’t be thrilled to find out how they are spending their spare time.

View related questions: co-worker, condom, has a girlfriend

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly they are both 17 and both are a legal age to consent. You have taught him safe sex and well I know I would much rather have them safe under my roof than out in the streets somewhere. It is not your place to tell her parents unless you are really concerned. Honestly he is 17 at that age I had my first boyfriend mind you I also was renting with flatmates at that age.

Personally I think you need to talk to him about having a bit more respect and cleaning up after himself. Your other son is only 15. I do think it is great that you have spoke to him but I would tell him to be respectful off his brother, your house and also lifting his wrappers up after himself. As for the answers saying you are the parent and her parents should know I disagree it is not like they are 12 or 13 its nice to hear he is being safe and responsible. So don't doubt that you are not being a good parent.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (8 December 2017):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Who is the parent in the house?

Your kids pay rent to live there? To use your house like a love shack hotel?

Does your kids pay any bills, or pay for the right to live there?

So why asking what you should do? Are you not the one that should have the best moral compass?

Lets say she gets pregnant...Would you like to be one to explain to her parents that she got pregnant in your house?

Can your son look after a mother and baby right now in his life?

Where is she going to live if she gets pregnant?

You ready to look after her as well as your sons?

Sex is not a game. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool.

It comes with consequences just like using drugs. Do it irresponsibly, and there is a price to pay, and people to get hurt.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2017):

This is tricky .. though I need to say that I find it very disgusting and somewhat bragging that your son is leaving condoms laying on his bedroom floor. . I have an adult son of 23, so yes I know the right yonorivacy etc however living under my room with all the perks that go with it - there are rules . One, once a month I deep clean his room - I mean what gf wants to come round to a stinky room ( not that he’s that bad ) and I would be mortified and disgusted if I found a condom on his floor at 17teen .. he’s a teenager for goodness sake ..- and yes it’s irresponsible that you are not notifying this young girls parents ..

I can see the dilemma here .. but I think you need to talk with both parties .. your son and his gf and I would ask her straight out did her parents know ? . If not I would give them ( as they are wanting to be adults right ) tell her parents or have her ask to call me .. if I didn’t receive the cell I would notify them myself .

I’m raising two girls and wouldn’t wish them to be sleeping around until they were older ( not saying it couldn’t happen but I would not encourage it ) and would be horrified if anyone else was encouraging my teen ... hormones is no excuse .

The risk to girls and how they emotional handle situation is totally different than males - and I would and do tell my girls . Be wise .. sex is only sex if there is no commitment ( ring ) being given .

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A female reader, deirdre Ireland + , writes (7 December 2017):

I can understand why you would see this as being disrespectful, most parents would. I am not sure what advice to give about how to proceed, it is a tricky situation. But make sure you give him the talk about safer sex, and let him know that if she gets pregnant that you will NOT be supporting him in any way.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (6 December 2017):

N91 agony auntI don't think you should do anything at all.

Your son knows that you know and you're aware that he's practising safe sex as you have mentioned. I don't think telling your sons gfs parents would achieve much and to be quite honest what are they expecting? They're both young and in a relationship, of course they're going to be having sex at some point.

If you're fine with things then why change it because someone else would deal with things differently? My mum never said anything when I brought girls home when I was younger, but I have friends who's parents tore them a new one for it. Everyone handles things differently and don't let anyone make you think you're doing something wrong because they don't agree with you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (6 December 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThey are 17. They are of age to indulge in sex. If they were 13, I would be concerned but you cannot stop 17 year olds' raging hormones.

To me, you and your eldest son are both being very sensible and adult about this situation. YOU are right in allowing him to bring his girlfriend home because, as you rightly fear, if you ban him he will simply find somewhere else to have sex. At least at home he is safe and has condoms available. YOUR SON is showing responsibility by using condoms. What were you doing in the bedroom of a 17 year old anyway? That should be HIS private area.

As for speaking to his girlfriend's parents, do so at your own risk. You will lose his trust if you go behind his back. While I understand your concerns, I really would NOT go there.

You are doing a great job as a dad. Relax a little and let your eldest explore young adulthood safely and with your guidance.

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