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My pregnant girlfriend has cheated on me, and I am in love with her mate. Who do I choose...?

Tagged as: Cheating, Faded love, Family, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 March 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 24 March 2008)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been with my girlfriend for 3years now but have fallen in love with her best mate. My girlfriend has always had a bad reputation but i gave her a chance. I have been seeing her mate behind her back for about 9 months now and really like her. She makes me laugh, everyone likes her and i just thought i was not good enough for her and can't belive she loves me too.

The mate told me that my girlfriend has cheated on me with people from my work, and i belive her, even though my girlfriend said it is lies. The girlfriend has now found out about me seeing her mate and went mad. About a week after she found out she is now having my baby.

I can't bare to touch her in bed after what she done to me but should i forgive her as i cheated for the babies sake or should i be with the girl i know i would be happy with. I don't want another man bringing my kid up but don't want my lover to be with anyone else as she is such a good person and would make me so happy.

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A female reader, natasia United Kingdom +, writes (24 March 2008):

natasia agony auntDanielepew is completely right. Good advice. Follow it.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (24 March 2008):

Danielepew agony auntI will be a little cynic here. I suspect you didn't give your girlfriend "a chance" despite her bad reputation. Maybe her "bad reputation" was what gave you a chance.

But I think other people have already mentioned the flaws that each one of you has made in this case. I just would like to say that, in my opinion:

a) there's no proof that the child isn't yours, and you recognize the baby as your own, so you have some fathering to do here. It's nice to see you want to do it.

b) You obviously don't love your girlfriend, so the right thing, in this case, is to leave her now, when the baby isn't born and can be raised without the pain of seeing you leave the home.

c) If you love the mate, then go with her.

d) You can't blame your girlfriend if she finds someone else. So there will be another man with your baby, to be sure. You should accept that.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (24 March 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntRight you say your girlfriend has a bad reputation (rumor) then say she cheats on your based on a rumor spread by the girl you are cheating on your girlfriend with.

You have no evidence of her cheating other then that of her "friend" who slept with her friends boyfriend. Not exactly the most reliable source.

But your own cheating well that has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt hasn't it. So you can't stand to touch your gf but she should be able to just accept your cheating. Oh and while you are with her you are cheating on the other girl as well.

Watched to many soaps?

You sir are an asshole and both girls would be wise to run like hell.

There is a dutch saying 'zoals de waard is vertrouwt hij zijn gasten'. 'By his own nature, the innkeeper trusts his guests' OR if you are a cheat you think everyone else is a cheat.

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A female reader, natasia United Kingdom +, writes (24 March 2008):

natasia agony auntps

If the best mate is so perfect for you, why the hell did you have an affair for 9 mths and get someone else pregnant?? Why didn't you split up with No.1 before now?

I know that doesn't help, exactly, and I'm sure maybe you've thought about that, but I think if you want a true moral perspective on this, you owe something to the pregnant one. You really do. I'm not usually judgemental, but I think here you need to see that you've behaved in a less than honorable way, because I think you're trying to justify leaving No.1 because she cheated on you. You have also cheated on her in a major way - kind of cancels it out. Think about it.

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A female reader, natasia United Kingdom +, writes (24 March 2008):

natasia agony auntSomething here is mutually exclusive, and you've got to accept that:

you can't fulfill these two desires at the same time:

- another guy doesn't bring up your child

- you're with the woman you want

either, you stay with the 1st girl and bring up your kid

or, you're with the 2nd woman and you see your kid, but very likely some other guy is the daddy in the house

I am on the side of being with the woman you really love, but i think you won't be able to cope with losing your kid. So, on balance, I think you should stay with the 1st woman, unless you REALLY can't stand her. You've cheated; she's cheated; forgive each other.

There's also the issue of supporting her, because, whatever she's done, you've surely done as much by having a 9-month affair with her best friend - that's a pretty comprehensive punishment for her cheating. You should feel a bit sorry for her - she finds out about it, and it's much more threatening than flings at work, because you love this other woman, and then she can't even just walk away from you because she's carrying your child, and going to risk her life and health to bring him/her into the world for you.

But do you think you can stay with the pregnant one? If not, you should support her through the pregnancy, but give up your absolute rights as father, because if you're with her best mate, you can't expect her to be 100% understanding.

Hmm, hmm, hmm. Are you sure the best mate doesn't just seem so great because it's the first flush of love, and it's been clandestine? I wouldn't risk all for it, especially not your kid, and I think on balance you owe the pregnant one something, really.

OK, final conclusion:

- Have a very serious conversation with the pregnant one as to whether your relationship together is viable

- Depending on the outcome, stay with her throughout the pregnancy, really try hard to get through this together, and see how you feel when the kid's here

Tell woman no.2 that you love her but have responsibilities and you can't promise anything. Be completely honest with her.

It's a difficult situation, but something will sort itself out. Always does.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008):

Wow, you like a drama filled life don't you? I think you should break up with both women as they don't sound very stable either one of them. Any woman who would cheat with her best friend's boyfriend and talk shit about her behind her back, is someone who lacks integrity and doesn't value her relationships or people, she only is into it for herself....she is not a good person, she is a very flawed person...and frankly so are you....

None of you have the maturity for a committed adult relationship and now you have thrown a child in the midst of all of this and that is the little person who is going to pay the most for your mistakes.

First priority before you pick one girl over the other, is to help girl #1 deal with her pregnancy and make a decision on whether or not she will have the baby, get an abortion, or give the child up for adoption of the two of you cannot or will not get married.

And be sure that your girlfriend getst the prenatal care she needs.

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