A
female
age
41-50,
*issa
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months and we were moving in together (he lives in a different country). Last week he send me an email telling me that he was scared and not sure about the step that we were going to take, we decided to postpone the moving in and to stay together. But since that day things have changed, he says he needs time to think about the situation. How much time should I give him? Should I be thinking of ending the relationship myself?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Sissa, I think Daniel is correct in this, and lonelygal asks a very good question, what is the rush? I have moved a lot in my life, and the upheaval is very stressful and challenging. A five-month-old relationship may not survive all the challenges you'll face in a new country. There has to be a firm foundation for mutual support and understanding, and my guess is that you haven't yet reached that point.
It does sound like a break up to me too, but there are things you can learn from this.
From your age, I'm going to make the assumption that you've had some fair amount of life experience and that you may have some idea of what you want out life. I'm going to recommend a book that helped me a lot, and it's the only book I ever push on people, so forgive me for suggesting it. "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills PhD. I understand she has other works out there but I haven't read them. It essentially forces you to evaluate where you are in a relationship and what you need to do to help it progress. Everyone's timetables are different and it may be that he is just not in the same place as you are, metaphorically (obviously literally he is not in the same place).
All the best.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Well, if YOU are the one moving, I have a very different opinion. I'm sorry, but I think you need to be ready for a break-up. I think this IS a breakup in disguise. First he tells you to go there, and now he says he needs to think about it? You were running a lot more risk than he was.
Perhaps it's best this way. Imagine what would happen to you if you moved to his country, you changed your entire life, and then he just said he needed time to think about it.
I'm afraid I would break up the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Sissa +, writes (24 March 2008):
Sissa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice!! I know that 5 months is a short time, but he was the one who asked me to move in with him, I'll be the one moving to his country, he alreay bought a flat for us and he said to me that he wanted that flat to be my home. I can understand he is getting cold feet, believe me I am a bit scare myself. But I love him, and he says he loves me. There is no rush to move in, I am not in a hurry, what I would like is to keep the relationship so we can get to know each other better. We have a trip planned to my country so he can meet my family, everything is paid for, but at this point in time things have not gone back to normal, we use to talk everyday, he has apologize for not calling telling me he needs time to think things over... I guess I am dreading a break up.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 March 2008):
I think you should at least think what you would do in case of a break-up, and you should be emotionally prepared for it.
Five months could be too short a time to make a decision to move in with someone, particularly if that means moving to another country. I suppose he doesn't have strong ties where he lives. But, anyways, it's a high gamble, like a friend of mine said once about a similar relationship. I can understand that he feels unsure about moving in for the moment. Maybe there was a little rush here. But, anyways, he is having second thoughts. And I don't like his using the word "scared".
I can't say "he's leaving" in a categoric way, but I do believe you should get ready for that.
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