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My partner wont make amends with my mother.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 October 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi there,

My partner and I had an argument the other evening and it blew off on a tangent to him calling my mother poisonous, and he told me to tell my mother to "be less poisonous around him"

I did as he asked, but tried to break it gently to my mother who naturally, didn't take it well at all. She is incredibly upset, hurt, disrespected and fed up of how he treats me. He puts everything before me, and that hurts me too. The trouble is, when times are good, they are really good and I love the relationship, but when they are bad, they are pretty awful.

My partner says that my mum needs to hear it and that she just has to accept that, that is just the way he is. My mum is saying that he is being completely disrespectful and that she doesn't want to see him again.

I can completely understand that from my mothers perspective.

After much persuasion, I convinced my partner to send my mother a message to apologise. He asked me to read it before he sent it, but didn't take any of my advise on how best to word it. (What's the point in asking me then?) It started off as a good apology, but then became a dictation of how my mother needs to be around his company.

He is asking for something from my mother that he isn't prepared to give and again, it is all on his terms.

I don't want to break up with my partner, my family also mean the world to me but they say there is no coming back from it and I am stuck in the middle not knowing what to do.

Really, I would want my partner to speak with my mother face to face, but having many arguments with my partner, myself, I know how that will end up going.

I felt like writing the apology for him to just make amends, however I wouldn't ever want to be meddling like that.

I have apologised to my parents for informing them of what was said, however they have told me that they wouldn't want me to feel like I have to talk to anyone else and that I should always go to them. Then I have my partner saying I should also talk to them but filter out what would hurt them. The trouble is, that means he isn't taking responsibility for what he says, I am caught in the middle, the outer relationship is fake between them and it is basically just one big fat mess.

I do not care who is to blame, I am not after blame answers, what I am after is some advice as to what to do to help sort it out.

I think the dust needs to settle, and then, I don't know... Do I try and get him to apologise again? Do I just keep a separate relationship? The difficulty with that is when it comes to marriage and kids and things.... need I say more?

It goes on further as he is so so so incredibly close to his mum, to the point where he see's her more than me sometimes, and she is incredibly mothering over me, which makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't need a second mum! So he expects me to play happy families with his family, again on his terms, yet as soon as it comes to my family, he basically has just shut it all down.

I could continue, but hopefully that gives an outline.

I would really appreciate any advice as to how to move forward here, rather than what should have been done.

Many thanks


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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2018):

At least your parents sound like good people.

Your bloke is very cunning in his choice of words.

But this gives you a clue as to who he really is.

One day your own common sense will kick in.

You don't want to be nauseatingly smothered by his mother and he and mumsi go way back.

Now is a very good time to make a decision in your favour and in your kindhearted parents favour.

Are you ready to pack your bags and leave?

Perhaps not.

Then you must be aware that you will be subjected to more cunning manipulation.

Why do people act like that is the most normal response you could have.

But you don't need to ask why!

Leave that to the experts who get paid for figuring out this.

Your fella is playing at being half and half because it suits him.

Mumsy supports him.

She is nice to you because you normalize his bad manners.

And give him sex and non stop support.

You are not the only female to be in this confusing situation but you have an advantage over many.

You have the love and support from your family.

And you are open and honest with them.

I should imagine they have some very interesting things to say.

They know that by stepping back you will come to your own conclusions and they want you to think for yourself which is good.

This guy is testing out his power and control over you.

He will now be particularly wonderful in bed and romantically attentive as he needs to lure you in deeper.

If you like a bit of that then enjoy it but remember he has a cold mind when all is said and done and he will return to being the real him which isn't very pretty at all.

It takes an extraordinary confidence to say to someone who has shown their venomous side that you no longer require their fake pleasantness particularly when they are going overboard on convincing you that they are the 'one' and you have 'the best times' with them.

In a film you would probably pack your bags and go without explanation back to those people he despised.

But in real life its different.

You have legal contracts about housing and jobs and you may even discover you are pregnant.

Wise Owl has a very even manner and you can communicate to him without harm if he has the time to engage further.

I feel for you.

Your guy is putting you in a dreadful situation and probably has worse in store but he will be full on charming for now.

You need to continue to cultivate your confidence.

Its odd really that he has managed to worm his way in so deep.

He will be saying that its just a word.

Then he will be saying that it is a bad choice of words.

Then he will say that it wouldn't matter if you hadn't told your mum and he will make you feel as if you spilled the beans on him and ruined everything.

Your dad will wish he were Rambo and could smash doors and string your man up against a wall with continued Rambo like action.

Your mother will start extra prayers to the Lord and hope you escape this mans evil clutches but she will never tell you that as she knows that opposition fuels the fire of romance.

Its a problem that puts you right in the hotseat.

If you had it in you to say "Your attitude to my family and to me is disgraceful and I want nothing to do with you ever again!" then you could break free and spend some time reharmonizing.

But your fella is on a charm offensive right now and there just wont be a time or opportunity to take the high ground.

Can you speak to your doctor and ask for counselling because you are stepping on a sandbar of fake niceness and when it crumbles you will be in a sink or swim situation.

Maybe I should just say that you should talk to your mum and tell her face to face that you don't share his opinion of your family and that you appreciate all the love and care and respect she has given you all your life.

And buy a big bunch of flowers and

send it to her with a message that heated words will never destroy your love and respect for her.

It might help to heal a wound but from now on it would be unrealistic to expect her to share your happiness when your ugly fella is being wonderful because she will always be worried about his intentions.

It is our very humanness that can be both our salvation and our downfall but as each day has new energy you can continually reassess if there is anything you can do to improve your life.

Hope is something that can be so small and become a powerful force ultimately.

I see that this mans selfish ego is already damaging you but as long as you don't let him drive you away from those kind enough to nuture your life then there will always be hope.

Remember his primary need is for regular sex on demand and that if you do leave he will soon find a sexual replacement.

Clearly he thinks a kind and supportive family is a disadvantage in terms of what he wants so he would be looking for some one younger and more malleable or someone with very limited family interaction so that he and mumsy can rule the roost.

You are expendable where he is concerned.

So mentally downgrade him and don't expect much more than to enter the discard phase when he has discovered a replacement sexual source who has no other connections or validations elsewhere.

In a way there is no going back.

Playing the blame game is an inadequate phrase to use.

He has pupetted you and is secretly crowing that he got you to step in so innocently to a situation that he knows he can use against you again and again.

He is on level one of undermining you in your families opinion.

By the time he gets to level three there will be no more meaningful contact with your family any more because he needs you isolated.

What does he intend to do with you once he had removed you entirely?

We can safely say it wont be pretty or decent or life enhancing because he wouldn't need to chip you away from your family if he were decent.

Have you done any police checks on him yet.

Quite possibly your dad is busy following that angle already.

Technically worse case scenario would be that he is a snuff movie scout and needs someone who is isolated enough to get someone to follow him to a remote location from which they then disappear!

He would be able to say you had a short disagreement and just took off but no one would have anything more to say regarding your wherabouts as there would be a false paperwork trail already established.

Dont think this never happens in life.

It does and it is a painful reality for those who can never establish the truth thereafter.

I suppose I want you to understand the urgency of your situation.

It is totally abnormal for someone to have the power over you that this guy already has.

He calculated to hurt you by saying what he did and then he used your beautuful trustful nature against you in as many ways as he feels he could under the guise of 'a normal relationship.'

No this is not normal.

Yes my scenario above could actually be a possibility.

I would feel safer for you if you left all contracts and all other engagements and all other financial situations and walked away from this evil person.

Someone so cunning could even literally poison you and watch you waste away and not just by cunning use of his tongue.

It is your own inner beauty he hates and it is that which he ultimately wishes to destroy and he has determined to hurt your mother as much as he possibly can by exerting his power over you.

In his opinion the iceing on the cake is your compliance.

That is ultimately his most hurtful weapon he has against your mother.

I'm sorry to deliver this message to you but I know that I have got quite close to the truth here and I would not willingly let you go any further down this sorrowful track if I can prevent it in any way.

Consider me a sign post telling you that You are in Danger!

I'm very sorry to tell you that this is not normal couple stuff but he will use every trick in the book to keep you compliant.

As I dont know you personally I can not say or do anything more and even if I did there is a strong possiblity that you wouldn't listen.

Would you notice a sign post though and consider that it may have stood at this crossroads for some time and not want to see another soul duped into compliance or complicity?

People make money out of others suffering and currently it is an unacknowledged niche which is why people like me warn people like you against it.

One day it will be an acknowledged crime but currently we are still only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

One saved life is worth it.

The sad part is that your guy will just move on to the next victim using exactly the same methods but with a little tweeking because if you get away he will realise that he showed himself for who he really is and he will set about creating an alternative image such as getting a quick marriage for a respectable image and then carry on in his devious way behind his wife's back. She will then side with his mother and continue the very necessary white noise of "He couldn't possibly do that! He's not like that at all!"

And people will believe it.

That could even happen before or after you disappear!

Its a terrible situation for you and your kind folks and I send my hearfelt sympathy.

You do however have the power to drop him and get away if only you had the will to wish him out of your life and to

take reasonable steps to extricate yourself from danger rather than coasting in neutral to the point of no return!

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 October 2018):

YouWish agony auntYour boyfriend is a F*CKING COWARD.

Really?!? He has **YOU** tell your mom that she's poisonous? He throws YOU under the bus?? You let him WEAPONIZE you against your own family??

You shouldn't be a go-between for your boyfriend and your mom, and he's an idiot. You should break up with him, because you're hurting the person who you REALLY should be preserving the relationship with, and that's your mother, not your boyfriend.

I say this as someone who misses my father every day. Your mom will not live forever, and if you waste one single year being with a guy who isolates you from your family, you will regret it to your core. You only have one mother. You can have any guy you want.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2018):

You are somewhere between a rock and a hard place.

But the good news is that you are young enough to leave this poisonous partner and to meet someone more respectful.

It sounds to me that you have hooked yourself a narcissist.

He wants it all his way.

He insists on it being all on his own terms.

When he met you he thought you were pliable enough to mold into what he needs.

But help is at hand in the form of youtube!

There are enough daily thoughts about narcissists to keep you alive and emotionally connected.

Look at inner-integration with Meredith Miller.

She can explain it all to you.

Its a clear highway map of the pathways narcissists take and you will become wiser.

This partnership is busy displaying best behaviour and he is asserting dominance by deliberately removing your support network.

When he's done with chipping away at your family then he will start on you.

Thank goodness there are no children involved yet.

There may never be children involved with this man.

You need to learn how to cope with one of the nastier things in life!

A disrespectful narcissist who is busy laying his disrespectful gounds so that he has no opposition towards him getting what he wants.,-¿-

I am very sorry that you are going through this.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 October 2018):

I think it's best not to discuss what's said in the heat of arguments you've had with your boyfriend with either of your parents. What good would come of it? Don't fan the flames!

Any disagreement they have in your presence, intervene!

Things are said when people are angry that they don't necessarily mean, and can't take back. Apologies may be nice in theory; but the wounds inflicted may take a long time to heal, if ever. If he should ever have direct confrontations with your mother, you better reconsider if this guy is all you're claiming him to be. You did say, when it's bad it's really bad. Consider that a red-flag, as far as compatibility and sustainability of a decent relationship goes. That's a bad sign.

It rubs me the wrong way to read that he made you write his apology to your mother. In my world, you don't go there. Nothing comes from your mouth about my mother!!! Fortunately, I haven't run across that problem in my relationships; but I would certainly make a mental-note of it. Criticisms better be constructive; and insults better be kept to yourself!

Disrespect for your parents is inadvertently having disrespect for you. As for HIS mothering over YOU; that translates into taking control, sweetheart! Pretending to be protective, is usually how controlling-people force you into submission to their will. They do it in a very subtle, but clever way. As if it's for your own good. Yeah, right!!!

Time to time people may have disagreements with their SO's parents; but they should be measured, carefully-worded, and handled with care. That doesn't apply to toxic-parents who are nasty, and show blatant disregard for the feelings of others. They deserve back what they dish-out!

Some parents are bigoted, snobbish, or just plain mean. Nobody has to take that. That's the exception. I meant sometimes personality-types clash, but not in a severe way.

Civility and courtesy should still be employed. That goes both-ways. Your mom has no right to be rude either. If it comes back at her, she shouldn't be surprised. Don't mouth-off or get snarky; then suddenly shrink into victim-mode. Provoking people to anger reflects just as poorly on her!

Choose your battles. Like I said, keep a mental-note of this behavior. If it becomes a habit or his routine; reconsider how great of a boyfriend he is. If you plan to marry this guy one day; just remember what you're bringing into your family, and how they will likely get along. I don't care how much I love my boyfriend, he will not cross words with my parents. No guy goes one on one with my mom! No way!

For now, let it rest. Picking scabs and refueling drama will not help the matter; but insist he treat your mother as he would want you to treat his! You can't make people like each other; but you can insist that he be civil and respectful towards your parents. I don't know about you, but for me; that's a deal-breaker!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 October 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly OP?

Sounds like your partner is working on isolating you from your support-net and family.

HIS family is all that matters. As you can see his mother is trying to mother you as well. So in his (or maybe his whole family's eyes) there is no need for YOU to have much to do with your family.

I have to ask, is he not British? Is he Middle-eastern/Asian or Eastern European?

Because his behavior, seems very much like it's a different culture and upbringing that HE is coming from then you are.

I think you REALLY need to consider all this. And I think you are SMART to think ahead because if you DO choose to marry/have kids... THIS is NOT going to change. HE ISN'T going to change.

That is why he CHOSE to write the apology to you mom AFTER you asked him to, BUT he took the "license" to make it a NON apology. So he didn't EVEN apologize to your mom because HE doesn't think he is wrong, he ONLY did it to placate you.

It sounds rather unhealthy OP.

You SHOULD be able to talk about issues with your partner over your parents AS YOU ARE NO longer a kid.

And I HAVE to ask... Is your mother a tad "poisoning" around your partner? Have you shared "too many" negative stories about your partner with your parents that they FEEL like YOU can't stand up for yourself so THEY have to?

Because I can see this not being entirely black and white here. Both your mom/parents are at fault as well as your partner.

There will come a time where either "side" will expect you to choose side. And guess what? YOU will be the "loser" regardless of what you choose.

Is this really the man you see yourself go old with? Raise a family with?

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (8 October 2018):

Ivyblue agony auntIt must be equally hurtful as it is frustrating to be piggy in the middle of two people you love. Neither of them are being considerate of that. Is it at all possible for you to find the strength to have an open discussion with both of them at the same time? Explaining just how their behaviour in impacting on you.Like really hammer it home. Maybe it will shed some light for them both maybe not but at least you can talk about setting and agreeing to some boundaries that will protect you and your relationship with both. You cant force personalities to get along however I think it is important for you to stand your ground that you have had enough and you wont be forced to choose where your loyalties should lie. You are an adult in charge of your own life choices. Good luck I hope you find some peace

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