A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Got a problem and could use some objective advice. I am in a long term relationship. My partner and I broke up about 3 years ago. I was feeling torn apart and upset after the break up and I became vindictive as a result. I cannot say I am proud of myself or my actions but I was a mess emotionally and felt this need to lash out. I felt my partner had cheated on me and accused him of such after seeing large scratches on the inside of his arm. They looked extreme for someone who just scratched themselves or did not remember how they got the scratches. So I left him despite his protestations to the contrary.Back story: My partner had a friend of 30 years and he had known him well before I came into his life. They were very good friends. For some reason, I thought this friendship to be strange and it caused me some suspicion. My partner texted his friend Larry and Larry would send back a kissy face. That was odd I thought as guys do not normally do this? They just seemed uncharacteristically affectionate. At least that was my opinion. Also when my partner went to visit Larry, he would always stay there for 5-6 hours. What does a guy do with another guy for 6 hours? I have never known any man who visited with another man, even a buddy, for 6 hours. I asked my partner about it and he said they just had coffee and would chat. And my partner would help Larry with tasks associated with Larry's business. In fact, Larry always called to ask for my partner's help with something or other, and my partner would rush over. But what could take 6 hours? So, while I was trying to rationalize all the time they spent together, I then saw scratches on both my partner's forearms when he returned from Larry's. His shirt was also unbuttoned. I can swear to you that the scratches were not there before. My partner again would dismiss them and said he scratched himself. But on both forearms?Fast forward to our break up. My partner told me some very private things that Larry had told him in strict confidence. I should have never broken my partner's trust although he broke his friend's trust by confiding information to me that was only between the both of them. It involved Larry's strained relationship with his son. After we broke up, I was so furious that I was out of the picture yet Larry was still going to remain his best friend. So I texted Larry 3 short simultaneous texts (to this day, the only communication I ever had with him) telling him he was a bad father for how he has been treating his son and should be ashamed of himself. It was the absolute truth but not my place to say that to him I suppose. I felt this sense of injustice towards a child and could not in good conscience stay quiet. The other reason was to hurt my partner by showing Larry my partner had betrayed his confidence by confiding in me (his "rival"). Larry threatened to call the police over 3 texts and said he feared for his life. That was a complete exaggeration, bordering on ridiculous. He hated me for the reason I sent him three texts and begged my partner to stay away from me because I was crazy and deranged. None of that was true at all. I felt that his hatred of me was very extreme, to the point where he was defaming my character and saying things which were not true. He did not know me at all. My partner told him I suspected they had a sexual relationship. It just seems the level of hatred and name calling was beyond the pale. All I did was tell him a son needs his father, especially when he is struggling and Larry had abandoned his son because he fell short of his expectations. My partner and I were only broken up a month and then got back together and have been together since. But Larry was very angry at my partner for getting back together with me. He disagreed with his decision. My partner sent Larry a text 6 months ago to ask how he was doing but Larry never answered and since then has ghosted my partner. He just erased him from existence. I am a good person who did something under emotional duress. I do not make a habit of doing nasty things. We are all human and make mistakes. Larry does not know ME and all the good things about me. One mistake does not make a person bad or crazy or deranged. But he judged me by that one thing.Am I glad Larry is no longer in his life? I won't lie. Yes. But at what cost?I brought up Larry to my partner last week and got a very angry response. I asked if Larry has been in touch. My partner still seems very raw about losing the friendship. He got close up, right into my face, and started screaming at me at the top of his lungs, waving his hands around, and berating me for destroying that friendship and ordered me to stop mentioning Larry. That kind of anger just took me by surprise and honestly I found it abusive. I cannot imagine why after all this time there is still such unbridled anger in my partner? He blames me solely for the demise of that friendship but is that fair? Why so much anger like it happened yesterday? We are talking 3 years ago. Sometimes I wonder if there was more than meets the eye, or something I do not know about? Why the extreme anger? Would true friends cut you out of their lives if you are with someone they do not approve of? Is that even their place? Is that not even selfish of them to expect you to drop your gf or wife because they do not approve? Or if they really are a true friend, would they not accept your decision and try to make the best of it? I still find it strange Larry just cut my partner out of his life. I still sense there is more to the story...I did not know much about Larry so I guess I judged him on his harsh treatment of his son. I felt bad my partner was upset about losing Larry's friendship but selfishly I did not have to worry any longer about what was going on during their 6 hour visits. I apologized to my partner over and over for what I did. I was truly repentant and regretful. He seemed to have accepted my apology and said he understood why I did what I did at the time. But his raw anger that just came out last week shows he is still angry and resentful towards me, or is it another reason? What can I do to make this better? Can I do anything? Or will my partner be forever resentful towards me? I can't imagine this faring too well for our future if he holds onto that resentment and anger.
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best friend, broke up, cheated on me, confidence, got back together, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2022): Honestly, I don't think you two are good for each other. You two have a unhealthy relationship and it sounds like it's both of your fault
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2022): Everyone here seems to be blaming you but if I were you, I’d be concerned about his temper and anger issues. You are absolutely correct that his treatment of you is abusive and wrong. What happened should now be in the past. If he is still punishing you and can’t get over it, maybe you should be the one leaving. Abuse is never justified and it should never be tolerated. You have apologized. You can’t go back and change what you did but he can can change his own attitude and abuse towards you by going to therapy. Who would want a partner like this!?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2022): "Larry does not know ME and all the good things about me. One mistake does not make a person bad or crazy or deranged. But he judged me by that one thing."
The Bible says the tongue has the power over life and death. "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one's life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." Your tongue ended a friendship and has damaged your relationship.
I don't know, maybe criticizing someone's parenting; or taking a jab at something so personal...well it won't make you snuggle-buddies. Your intent was to destroy from within. You succeeded at killing that friendship; because you're suspicious they were having a gay-relationship. I think his friend judged you by what he DOES know about you. In all the time you were with your boyfriend, it's odd you never tried to get to know a friend he had for as long as 30 years. They are practically brothers. You wonder why he kept him away from you? Maybe he knew you'd be insecure about their closeness; and sometimes it's best to keep people apart you know may never like each-other.
What can guys do for six hours?
Watch sports, do car repairs, do handy-work around the house, just sit and talk about the good-ole days. Drink beer at a local pub, invite over some other guys you know, and just hang-out. You can get scratches doing yard work, doing carpentry, doing car repairs, working with any kind of rough scratchy material, and playing rough with a dog that needs its claws clipped. Scratches you get from human nails are distinct, and look like they were made with a rake. Guys who smoke pot, smoke pot. Take a run to the hardware store for supplies.
Other thing you can do in six hours. Sit, eat, and veg-out with your feet up and hand in your pants. Go for a ride, on a sunny day, and discuss all your problems. I could go on and on. It doesn't have to be anything bad. You may not approve, but he's a grown-man.
Thinking they were having sex probably never would have crossed my mind about two supposedly heterosexual men. Your way of thinking is unusually obtuse and suspicious.
If he took it upon himself to criticize the relationship between you and your mother, or a family member, I guess I wonder how you would have reacted to that?
You've got a mean streak. You were out to end the relationship by any means necessary. Even if you had to accuse them of sleeping together.
Well, you succeeded at what you set-out to do. Mission accomplished. You may have reconciled with your boyfriend; but you've done permanent damage not only to his friendship, but to your relationship as well. He did comeback.
I don't condone any aggressive male-behavior towards women, children, or towards people unable to defend themselves. It seems he has suppressed and internalized his feelings; and you pushed a button and he lost it. He asked you not to talk about. I suggest that you don't.
It might be difficult to perceive that he could love someone (platonically) other than you. In a different way, but just as deep. You don't have to share DNA, to love a friend like family. I've had my buddies over all day and over-night. We've never had sex during any of their visits. That's not how we roll. It's just being guys and an escape from the world, the pressures of the world, and our troubles. You need the camaraderie of your buddies; because they can relate to what you feel as a guy.
Well, your actions got you the results you wanted. You don't regret it. You also showed your boyfriend how venomous and scornful you are. It might be a little hard to convince him, or anybody else, how sweet and gentle you are; after throwing something told to you in confidence back in someone's face. It was not out of concern, you admitted you did it with malice.
"What can I do to make this better? Can I do anything?"
Two things. Turn-back time, or you can pray to God for forgiveness. Your boyfriend might not be quite there yet.
You apologized over and over; but you don't mean it. You're proud of yourself for ending the friendship. You got exactly the result you wanted. You don't fool your boyfriend with your hollow apologies, I guess.
"Or will my partner be forever resentful towards me?"
Yes!
"I can't imagine this faring too well for our future if he holds onto that resentment and anger."
I agree.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2022): OP, I can understand what you did. Human behavior is unpredictable. Hell hath no fury they say. And none of us can predict how we would act in any situation until we are in it. Unfortunately the result is your bf lost trust in you. But trust can be built back. Do not fret. He did choose your relationship over his friend and that says a great deal. If he felt so betrayed he would not have wanted to get back with you and nor would he be with you today. His friend might not have been a very decent person and you may have done a very noble thing riding your bf of such a person. I do think you are proud of yourself and feel like the victor by doing this. If so, I will say well played.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 February 2022):
 " He blames me solely for the demise of that friendship but is that fair? "
Yes. It was ALL you. Own it. Stop making excuses.
However, Larry also decided to retaliate with anger towards you (which I totally understand, you might have felt it was an overreaction, but you are not Larry, nor a dad or a parent, nor did you know the whole story, I bet). And your BF was dumb enough to trust YOU with something YOU used as ammo, so your BF AND Larry are both mad at themselves AND you. But the friendship ended because of your jealousy and pettiness. You didn't text that bullshite to Larry because you were "concerned for the child", Come On. Stop lying. You had a petty moment in which you were hurting and wanted Larry AND your BF to hurt too.
Your BF is still very raw over having lost a friend of 30 years. And you don't get why YOU needling him about it got him all fired up? Even 3 years later? Obviously, this was an important friendship to your BF and YOU ruined that.
Sure, he should not have gotten in your face and yelled. That is unbecoming but you need to stop rubbing it in his face that HIS trust in you cost him his best friend of 30! years. If he hadn't told you that private info, he might STILL have his friend.
Is your BF Bisexual? Has he ever told you he was interested in guys too? If not, where in name of sanity do you come up with them being intimate because they hung out for 6 hours?! That is beyond the pale! As you call it. Ridiculous! Do you not have any friends yourself? Do you not hang out with female friends and talk for hours? You think men are incapable of taking 6 hours to talk, watch a game, fix a sink, help build something, or just having a beer and shooting the breeze? How many men do you know? My husband can spend hours at the range and not fire a single bullet. Or having a cookout for the other volunteer dads. He runs into a friend at the store and takes 4 hours to grab milk, because they end up going to check out a truck. Women are NOT the only people who can ENJOY the company and conversations of our own sex. It doesn't HAVE to be sexual EVER.
You think a couple of scratches is PROOF of infidelity? In what world?!
You have some serious insecurities that you perhaps need to deal with.
Can you fix this? No. You can't. What is done is done.
This will forever be between you and your BF and Larry. As much as you hate Larry for being in your BF's life and important to your BF, HE will ALWAYS be a wedge between you two, even though you sabotaged their friendship.
Your BF will never forget what you did. And it doesn't seem like he has forgiven you either. Will he ever? Who knows? Only your BF can figure that out.
Apologies are just words. Excuses are just words.
"He seemed to have accepted my apology and said he understood why I did what I did at the time."
Perhaps. Doesn't mean he doesn't REGRET confiding in you about Larry and doesn't mean he isn't still "grieving" the loss of his BEST friend.
I think you NEED to show an ounce of compassion and STOP bringing up Larry, AT ALL.
"Would true friends cut you out of their lives if you are with someone they do not approve of? Is that even their place?"
Sure, if you (general you) watch your best friend make a bad choice in partners you might not want to be as close as before. And IF that partner of your best friend harassed you and acted like a complete %$#$ to you, and your BFF just disregarded the partner's shitty behavior, I can see cutting that BFF off. I would not want to be around someone like that, because that partner might do more harm NEXT time she/he is mad.
There is probably more to the story. My guess is YOUR BF has told Larry plenty of negative things about you over the years. Whenever you and your BF had issues. He talked to Larry. Larry never liked you either. When you went out of your way to hurt Larry, and your BF still took you back, your BF CHOSE you. And Larry CHOSE to let you both fade into obscurity. Larry isn't willing to EVER take more bullshit from you. And he obviously can't trust your BF.
As for the emoji usage. Are you serious? Are you really in your 40's? Because that is the most childish thing I have heard all week! That a kissy emoji means two people must be banging!
Good luck, OP you are going to need it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2022): I agree with you cannot be serious 100 percent. To also add that you sound controlling, you are happy to have Larry out of the picture so you have your boyfriend more and don't have to share him.The trust is not there on both sides, I mean why would your boyfriend get back with you if he was in a relationship with Larry? That would have been their opportunity to surely have been open about being together with you out of the picture?Admit it you don't like your boyfriend being close to anyone else? You make no mention of your own personal interests or other people on either yours or your partners lives...You cannot undo what you did, Larry would almost certainly not want to hear from you again and if you want to make the relationship work with your partner I think you need to look at your core values and from this day on not mention Larry and the past.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (19 February 2022):
 Before I move onto your post per se, I want you to do something. Take a spotless unblemished sheet of paper and examine it closely. Now screw up that piece of paper into a ball as tight as you can. When you have done that, straighten out the paper to your best ability and look at it again. Is it the same as it was? Of course not. It has marks and scars all over it from your treatment of it. Now say "sorry" to it, over and over again. Does it make the marks fade? Of course not. Just because you apologize for doing something bad does not mean it will be forgotten or that the scars you inflicted will fade. Remember that next time you are going to do something which will affect people's lives in a detrimental way. Once it is done, there is no going back. It is there forever.
There is so much in your post that I don't even know where to start, so in no particular order:
Being "a mess emotionally" does not absolve you from responsibility for your actions, especially when they are vicious and designed to cause maximum hurt. You knew Larry was particularly sensitive about his relationship with his son, so you went for his Achilles heel. In a particularly vicious double blow, you called him a bad father AND made it obvious your ex had broken his confidence and shared private and personal information about him with you. That was a particularly shitty thing to do and cannot be justified by your statement that "I felt this sense of injustice towards a child and could not in good conscience stay quiet." If that was true, you would have said or done something much earlier, not as spiteful revenge on your then ex. Neither can you justify your actions by blaming your boyfriend for sharing with you private and personal information about his friend. He told you because he TRUSTED you. How wrong he was on that score. You not only broke his trust, you stomped on it and set it on fire. There is absolutely NOTHING you can say to justify it or to shift the blame.
I find it intriguing how you oscillate throughout your post between admitting you were at fault and then trying to blame someone else, admitting you were at fault but then trying to justify your actions. You admit you sent Larry the hurtful texts purely out of spite and jealousy but then try to justify your actions by saying you felt bad for Larry's son and could not say nothing. You admit you called Larry a bad father but then say you merely pointed out his son needed him. You admit you were wrong to break your boyfriend's trust but then shift the blame onto HIM for trusting you with the information about his friend. You need to step up, own your bad behaviour and admit nobody was to blame but YOU.
Yes, there ARE strictly heterosexual men who do send each other kissy face emojis in messages. They are sent ironically, as a bit of a joke, and are a reflection of their close relationship. 4 of my male work colleagues are very close friends and will often call each other "darling" or put kisses at the end of messages. It's all in fun and merely shows how relaxed they are with each other. They all became friends after coming to work for our company and can easily spend hours together (whether all of them of just 2 or 3 of them), just chatting shit and joking around. I would wager my last penny that there has never been anything sexual going on between them. They are just very close, which often makes me smile.
It's quite ironic that you state "Larry does not know ME and all the good things about me. One mistake does not make a person bad or crazy or deranged. But he judged me by that one thing" yet felt it totally acceptable to judge HIM on one thing you had heard about him.
Turning to the question of your relationship, I don't know whether it will survive or not but one thing I CAN tell you is, it will never be the same again. Your boyfriend will probably never regain his trust in you because you broke it so badly and so heartlessly. All you thought about was yourself and your "feelings". Given that trust is very important in any long term relationship, if it was HIM writing in and asking for advice, I would strongly advise him to seriously consider whether he wanted to stay with someone who he could not trust. Only HE can make that decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2022): It can be difficult to dangerous if someone you are closely connected to has a high level of hidden anger.
I think guys could easily pass six hours engaged in harmless activity such as drinking beer, watching a baseball game etc so in my mind the time frame is not a problem.
But having scratches on arms that send a person off the deep end without a rational explanation , well that does start warning bells ringing.
He seems too touchy about it three years later.
Worse case scenario is that something criminal occured.
As for your texts you are so remorseful about well, personally I think that just doesn't matter.
I would suggest you step back mentally a bit and stop assuming you caused this and that to happen.
Then retrospectively ask yourself if you have any other misgivings particularly about the scratches event.
And remember to be mindful of your safety if your partner has a short fuse about something that currently remains in the past.
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