A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts and uncles, especially aunts,I am a divorcee who has recently remarried, and my new husband has a major problem with my past. We have an amazing relationship and he's the only one I've ever given my heart to, but not my body, and that's the problem.To tell our story... my new husband and I go back a long way. He was my first boyfriend's friend and that's how we met, when we were teenagers. Back then I always secretly wanted to be with him as he was gorgeous, intelligent and sensitive, i.e. everything my then boyfriend wasn't, but despite his good qualities he was always single. We talked about it a lot at the time, as friends, and he just had no confidence to talk to girls.We went our separate ways for a long time before finally getting together 2 years ago. We had a lot of old ground to catch up on so I told him that in my late teens, between my first boyfriend and previous husband, I had several short term casual flings, as after being cheated on by 1st bf I didn't trust anyone but still needed sex (shoot me, I'm human!!) And this is the part of my past that he has issues with. I've talked him through this period of my life and explained it countless times, and have reached the point where I'm sick of discussing my past to be honest. I've made it clear that there is no-one for him to be angry with as my short term partners weren't using me, it was actually the other way round, but he totally refuses to accept this and says that sort of behaviour is unnatural for a woman. He's making me feel paranoid that I'm a slag or something! I explained that I knew all these guys before sleeping with them and never picked up strangers in clubs, but that didn't seem to make any difference to how he feels. A few weeks ago I found a piece of paper he'd accidentally left lying on our bedroom floor, on which he'd written his thoughts and I was SO angry when reading it... Basically he wrote things like according to research he'd done on the internet, promiscuous girls don't really want sex and are just looking for love in the wrong places, and that I had no concern for how high my 'number' might've become had I not got married young.I can't discuss these problems with my family or girlfriends as I love him and am terrified about what people will think of him, which leaves me with only the anonymity of the internet for companionship and support. So I'm asking the other women out there, is he right? Is there something wrong or 'unfeminine' about me? Specifically, - Is it abnormal for women to be able to have guilt free casual relationships while young, purely for the sex and without any emotional connection, given the circumstances I've described? - Is it abnormal that one of my ex boyfriends was much older than me (32 when I was 18)?For God sake he even makes me feel guilty for having an orgasm when we have sex as opposed to through clitoral stimulation, which he says is the only way a woman 'should' be able to climax!! I told him I've never had one through just penetration before him (which is true) but he refuses to believe me, and I know he thinks less of me for it!!I am so very upset and really need some advice, sorry this was so long x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): The irony of all this is that my husband has actually slept with more people than I have, quite a lot more actually! I'm fine with that, but it does grate sometimes when he confronts me with my past, especially as some of his own experiences occurred in somewhat seedy settings (brothels). He was shy to admit to his use of prostitutes to begin with but I was understanding, rightly or wrongly, it's in the past and happened before we were together. However, I hate it when tried to justify his behaviour by saying twisted things like, "women have sexual currency, and can cheapen themselves through promiscuous behaviour. A man is valueless, so no amount of tacky experience can make him less. It's impossible to 'devalue' something that's worthless to begin with". Or words to that effect. JHA,I too feel somewhat drained on this topic.You're right in saying that as far as my husband is concerned, all of this might just as well have happened last week, as the past does seem to be more real to him than the present. I disagree that casual sex is the exception rather than the rule. Don't know what the 'norms' are in your part of the world, but off all my close friends or family, only one married the first guy she slept with. Among the rest of my friends I can count girls with both higher and lower 'numbers' than me. Thanks for your time and effort, I do appreciate it. XMiamine,Thank you very much, your advice is fantastic. I'm still torn between leaving him a note with the link for the retro jealousy thread and the second, more subtle approach you mentioned.I'll let you all know how it pans out a year from now xx
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Sorry JHA, read too quickly.
Talk, learn, understand, compromise, love.. yep, for both husband and wife it's always the best way.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2012):
I know JustHelpinAgain.. not criticism meant, just wanted to make things clear for other people who may not understand such things."OP herself saying she had already 'given' her body to others before her husband."This statement is the core problem for women like the OP and other women sex isn't about only what a man wants.. How come no man "gives" his body, how come men "take" your virginity. Women are born on this earth just like men. Women get education and jobs just like men, women have responsibilities, needs, eat and sleep just like men.. how come in sex it becomes different. The OP clearly states, that she takes as much as she gives in her sexual relationship. It's insulting to her and to me and to many other women to try to portray us as some kind of victim or prize, just waiting for a man to come along and make everything right.I'm never taken, I am not a victim, I share my love or share my body with men I choose to spend time with. (starts singing "I am woman hear me roar".. lolI do respect that some men and women have different views about love, marriage, sex and virginity and are eager to tell other people how to live. Those people are not in my life because they usually offend.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (22 February 2012):
Sorry Miamine, you are comletely correct that women who look for casual sex with guys in bars are taking very big risks of getting hurt in many ways. My question to the OP was rhetorical and not without a tad of irony. The OP makes a point of differentiating herself from a girl in a bar looking for casual sex and I am not sure where the difference is? It sounds like the OP is making a judgemental opinion a bit like her husband is of her.As individuals every one of us is free to do completely as we wish, as partners for life with another person we share love and respect for each other. Part of the comfort of being in a relationship is the security of knowing everything about each other. But that security is a a bit false, we are still individuals with our oun thoughts and needs. We assume ourselves to be normal and can't understand why other people don't see us as such. Well, their 'normal' may well be different from ours... and this appears to where the OP and her husband are. The husband is in shock that he has just realised that his wife wasn't in his interpretation of normal, whilst the OP can't see what her husband has a problem with as she feels completely normal. When it comes the sexual behaviour the 'norms' are pretty wide. Even in these modern times society still imposes messed up 'sexual values'. You only have to read the sexual rhetoric on DC from young women asking about 'giving their virginity' and the OP herself saying she had already 'given' her body to others before her husband.OP, I am sure your husband will get over this. He probably can't understand his extreme feelings either and hence the internet research to try to rationalise. I think you need to keep talking, but not about what you did, but who you were, how long ago it was, etc. Help him to get perpective because his time horizon is warped - he just leant this stuff about you and it feels like you did it last week. Don't be mad with him, and ask him not to be mad with you, remember, you really are each others best friend.I think I am drained on this topic, good luck. JHA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): Be careful not to put all RJ cases into a single box. They are just as complicated and variable as any other relationship problem.
For every guy who refuses to accept that women can enjoy sex like men, there is another guy who completely accepts it - but still feels that this is incompatible with what he wants in a partner. (And he has every right to feel that way if he chooses.)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2012):
"Hey, and whats so wrong with girls that get drunk and have sex with strangers?" (JustHelpAgain)It's dangerous to get drunk and have sex with strangers. Your not in control, you can end up getting raped, you won't have enough strength to fight him off, you won't be clear headed enough to run away and call for help. I've read about cases, where in such circumstances the man calls in his friends and the girl is raped by everyone. I've known girls in this position who end up having sex with more than one man because they are not thinking straight and in the morning they hate themselves. I've had to fight with guys, physically, to protect some silly woman who is so drunk she can't stand on her feet. You don't know a stranger, he could even be a murder, so you need to practise some common sense to make yourself safe and it's hard to do this when totally drunk. Drinking or taking drugs makes your head cloudy and your make very poor decisions and may not judge this stranger right.For a guy, it's dangerous to have sex with drunk women. She may not remember and then wake up the next morning shouting "rape". The sex will probably be very poor, drunk people are lazy and can fall asleep. She might not remember to make sure she's safe from pregnancy, she might not remember to tell you she has a sexual disease. People act differently on alcohol, so the woman you take home the night before who says "yep lets try anal sex, and yep you can handcuff me and whip me and tie me up", might be very different in the morning when she remembers she's a school teacher and has a husband at home and children. Drunk people can be aggressive and annoying, do you really want to tell her for the 100th time to stop biting so hard and no scratching and covering your back in blood isn't turning you on. Drunk people can vomit all over you.I'm not saying you can't have a drink, but sex with someone you hardly know when you are paralytic, isn't very sensible, not for the woman and not for the man.The stranger thing is more difficult, everyone is a stranger at heart, especially the husband you've been married to for 40years whose been screwing his secretary for 10, or abused your little daughter for years, or you suddenly find dressed up in your knickers and bra.... it's a judgement call when dealing with people, the new person or the person you've known for years.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2012):
OK, how about not tackling the issue head on. Wait until he is ranting and raving, or is making noise about your ability to enjoy orgasm. Then calmly get out of bed and put your clothes on, or wait until he calms down and runs out of steam and can't talk no more. Then calmly point out this jealousy issue, abusive behaviour and how your past is a thing you cannot change no matter how hard he screams. Imagine a wall in your mind, he cannot break through, he can't touch you and he can't get your emotions running high. You stay calm, he makes noise. Eventually hopefully your calmness will get through to him and he'll be able to at last start listening.Same thing you do with someone who is hysterical, or a 3year old throwing a tantrum. They cannot listen when they is emotional, but when they calm down it is your turn to try and explain. He will use ton's of argument's about what ALL women do. But how does he explain you, how does explain all them women who have many partner's in hollywood, the music business, airline hostesses, women in "sex in the city", women from history, women from all over the world. Give him examples of women who have sex, have fun, still hold respect and are used by no-one. Please try not to cry, it just confirms his view of how women should react and what they should do. And don't try to get into any biology, or the way women are "hardwired", unless your good at anthropology and history.Tackle his idea about love, about respect, about kindness, tackle him on ideas about understanding, and judgement, and what a husband and wife promise to each other in the wedding contract.Maybe that will help. I don't know, but it's just another idea for you.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (21 February 2012):
Op, I was trying to explain how your husband may feel, not being judgmental. Please reread that sentence I wrote. And I used the word cheap a bit loosely, I mean cheap in emotional terms, no commitment, etc. It feels like comment is a bit unfair on your hb, hence my attempt to show his point of view. You don't mention anything about your hbs past. If he also enjoyed some easy sex then yes, he is being a hypocrit and the jealousy label probably applies. But if he's a regular guy who married the girl next door then whats he supposed to have done wrong? Maybe you didn't make it clear to him that you had more experience than him? Maybe sex meant more to him than it appears to for you?
Hey, and whats so wrong with girls that get drunk and have sex with strangers?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): OP here again.
I had a read through the retroactive jealousy thread and think it could really help us, but feel a bit nervous about showing it to my husband as I think he'd be embarrassed, and probably angry. I think I'll have to though, as it's obvious to me that this problem isn't going to go away by itself, well certainly not anytime soon at any rate.
JustHelpinAgain,
Your 2 posts seem to contradict each other. I don't appreciate you saying there are men in my past who've treated me as a "cheap f-ck", because as if explained, if anything it was me using them!! Not that there was anything seedy or exploitative about these relationships as they were based on friendship! I was never the kind of girl who responded to drunk guys with one thing on their mind chatting me up, and those who tried it on got squarely rejected.
Do you believe, like my husband, that women aren't sexual beings and are just so weak and stupid that we allow ourselves to be coerced into doing things by manipulative men? Why do some men find a strong woman who knows what she wants and isn't ashamed to get it so threatening? Did the entire feminist movement pass you by or what?
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (20 February 2012):
The retrospective jealousy label is an easy way to pass all the blame on to your husband but the reality is that you both have a sexual incompatability issue. Despite common belief and what we see in the media most people do not have casual sex. The big silent majority believe in the sex and love and serious relation stuff. So when you and your husband first had sex he was so exhilarated that this beautiful woman that he loved wanted him physically. Later you tell him that you did the same thing with a bunch of guys that you didn't love. Now he feels totally confused. Something feels lost, and whilst he totally loves you, hence the pain, in some way you are not who he thought you were. If you don't want a divorce then you have to talk and show him you care for him like you expect him to care for you. You have done the talking now he has to try and explain his feelings. Whilst you say you enjoyed you single life your reaction to him thinking you were a slut seems to show you still share some of his values? Whilst you only had casual sex with friends the label still applies and your husband is coming to terms with the fact that there are guys out there to whom you,the most precious thing in his life, were just a cheap f-ck. Time and tears will help put the past in the past.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (20 February 2012):
Don't worry about your past, all perfectly normal, common, fun (if done right) and enjoyable. The problem is his and his view of women. Please read the retroactive jealousy link, it summaries many of the discussions and advice on this topic.
One of our uncles (now gone) had this problem and had a similar attitude to your husband. He also thought "good women" didn't do one night stands or FWB and for a long time him and his wife had problems. Unlike the advice given on the "retroactive jealousy" thread, what helped him was to talk about it and try to understand it. This is not usually recommended because it seems to bring up more jealousy. But for this particular uncle, discussing things with his wife and other women helped him to understand the thinking of women who like to have fun. Once he understood, he didn't need to forgive, because he realised his wife had done nothing wrong, and of course they lived happily ever after.
Get your husband off them religious sites, and sites that talk nonsense and are basically chauvinistic and produced to keep women unequal. That type of reading is fuelling his obsession because it tells him (as you say) good women are either virgins, married or virgins. The rest of us therefore are witches, bitches and whores.
Unfortunately because he insults you, calls you names and refuses to talk about this seriously. He will just get deeper into this woman hatred and no matter what you do, your marriage will be over. I can't seem to see a solution if he won't even listen to what you say.
I'd say yes, it's a retroactive jealousy issue. But when he starts to insult you, and looks at sites that hate women, you got more than a jealous man, you got an abusive one.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (20 February 2012):
Here, read this thread: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
It has a ton of info on retroactive jealousy, which your husband is suffering from. Like another poster said, it is something he will have to face by himself. His mind is now wired in such a way that no matter how much logic you throw at him, he'll still feel the same. It is very hard to undo such a thing unless he is actually willing to look at it from a different perspective. You may want to leave a note for him with the link about info about retroactive jealousy, so he can read through it. It would be a nice change from all those christian sites he's been visiting and it would give him a new way to look at it.
Do talk to him about it. It's not very nice when you have been open and honest from the beginning to be rewarded for that honesty with this kind of behavior. Ask him where to go from here. You have told him about your past and you cannot change it, so there's nothing you can do about it. The only one who can do something is him, by addressing his problems with your past and working through them. If he is not willing or able to, I don't see how this relationship can be saved.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): Women can call men every name in the book but it's not going to rewrite our DNA. We are DEEPLY programmed not to settle down with women who have casual sex and no amount of name-calling is going to stop our strong negative feelings about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): The annonymous poster who posted about retroactive jealousy has it right as thats what he suffered from. Not all men suffer from it but some do. My girlfriend admitted to me when drunk she had seven one night stands in her first year of uni before meeting her ex boyfriend and I thought like your husband at first for a few seconds before remembering my younger promiscous self and reminding myself it takes two to tango. I think he needs counselling before it eats him up. As an alternative if he doesn't believe that woman go out with the potential for casual sex take him to student nights in the city centre of any city in Britain (best examples being Newcastle, Sheffield, Leeds etc) and to take a look at the flesh on display and the attitude of 18 year old girls (as you were at the time). It might change his thinking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): Thank you all for your responses, I am the original poster.
I'd never heard of retroactive jealousy before, but this does seem to be exactly what my husband is struggling with. It was helpful to read a male viewpoint on that, so thank you. His problem started soon after we got engaged and he himself has said "I only feel this way because I love you". I felt flattered as I've never had a man be jealous over me before, but it's gone beyond that now for him and turned into some sort of hate.
Neither of us are religious people but I have found sites on the internet history he's looked that are written by strict Christians. I can't imagine reading that sort of stuff makes him feel better, yet he keeps going back for more. Husband is non-technical and doesn't know the internet history is traceable on the computer, so has no idea I know exactly which sites he's been viewing. It's not just religious material he looks at, there were also scientific sites discussing why women are hardwired to mate for life with one partner, while men are designed to be promiscuous. All of which no doubt makes him even more confused about me.
I agree that people can learn and grow from their past, but the thing is, I don't regret mine in the first place! I enjoyed my life and don't regard any of the people I slept with as mistakes. Yes I probably had more partners than average for a 20 year old girl, but I was fine with it and never felt it made me a bad person until my husband started calling my attitude and behaviour into question.
I don't think it's even the number that bothers him so much as the fact that I actually wanted and sought out these fwb relationships. From what he's said of his own experiences, he seems to view sex as something girls are totally indifferent to but get tricked or manipulated into by men.
I can't go on like this much longer with his anger and self destructive behaviour, but don't want to lose him because I love him so much, and my children have bonded really well with him too.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (19 February 2012):
Neither of you are abnormal and the criticism everywhere doesn't help. You both love each other very much but you have sexual experinces that are quite different. We often make big issues about sex, well beyond the significance of the physical act. Our society adds pretty messed up values and meaning to who and how we have sex. For many, especially shy and sensitive guys, having sex is given great significance in showing love, trust, and affection. You have had casual sex so for you you know that is not true, it really is just physical fun, that can be made better with the right person. You are making your husband realise this but he is looking for reason and rationality where it doesn't really exist. This conundrum is causing him mental anguish and to him you caused it! He doesn't see that his immature beliefs are not in the real world. All you can do is stop talking about your past and tell him you love him and that you are sorry you can't change history. He will get over it - in fact to the point that he realises that people can have fun casual sex!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): He's not a very loving man now is he? If he can devalue you to such a degree.
Its the woman who you are now, how you live now and act now that accounts for your character. People can indeed progress and grow into healthy, happy, productive people that learnt from their past and can know, understand, and appreciate their Life and others, and live daily to bring happiness to others, in a kind, loving manner.
Your Husband is a toxic, emotionally stunted man in himself for obsessing over your past. Doing so has blinded him to the gift of the woman you are today.
I say Husband himself has some issues to address via counselling because his obsession is to the point of being destructive- and loving, healthy relationships are constructive.
He doesn't contribute or offer much in his current state. He's a disease.
I say you both need to head to couples counselling or you will have to let him go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): OK rather than beat around the bush, I'll cut straight through the B.S but I'll be as nice as I can about it;-)....Your husband has got it in his mind that you are a sl*t!!! he's basically blacklisted you, and its very difficult for him to pull you from that zone.Every man wrong or right has a slightly different criteria on what constitutes as a "sl*t". To some men if a woman sleeps with just 2 men that makes her one, or 10+ 15+ 30+ etc You have two choices from here: Rather than go through endless arguments and try to justify your past to no success you have to go for a divorce and find a man who is able to accept you for who you are.OR go to marriage counselling in an attempt to find the solutions to the emotions he is feeling! If you just leave the situation to fester its just going to get more intense and it may turn nasty.Wish the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (19 February 2012):
 He had no confidence to talk to girls, and I believe his real problem is not being to accept you may be more experienced than him, although he wont probably admit that to you or himself. There are women out there (rightly or wrongly)that have threesomes with strangers, have sex with men regardless of their marital status, cheat, advertise themselves for no strings attached fun, the list goes on. You are a long way off being the type who should have her morals and attitude to sex judged or debated. He needs to face his problem, not you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): There is a big difference between you and a slag. You did yours whilst single and not whilst you was with him. You dont sleep with married men, you dont join dating sites with the intention of cheating etc etc. I have wasted a good number of years with the type of woman he thinks you are. He needs a reality check.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): OK coming from a man who understands men...
Most people especially women will say your boyfriend is jealous, insecure and simply dismiss him etc etc though parts of that may be true sometimes, they dont really understand how the male mind works (they are completely clueless) or at least are unsympathetic to the emotions your boyfriend is feeling.
In a nutshell your boyfriend has retroactive jealousy, this is a VERY COMMON male trait and is completely normal, matter of fact the reason WHY he is feeling this way is because his feelings for you is growing and intensifying and he can't bare the thought of other men touching you. If you were just a short term fling/one night stand or another woman of the street your past would mean diddly squat.
Explaining to him that the "past is the past" or "get over it" etc or trying to reason and give LOGICAL answers to his emotions is futile and a waste of time.
Whether by nature or by social conditioning most men are trained to see promiscuous women as unworthy wife material so his image of you will be distorted. Furthermore men are very very visual especially when it comes to sex and its almost like he would have a film constantly running through his head of what other men did to you and this is worse if he knows one of your ex's or flings or you lied etc.
From this point Pandora's box is open and what is done can't be undone, but if he loves you enough he might be prepared to go through some sort of therapy or discover techniques to change the negative thoughts to more positive ones etc and keep reassuring him that he's the only one for you it will be difficult but time is a great healer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Its his problem, not yours, you were single and chose to live as you did. I am surprised he married you with these strong feelings he has, he definately has issues.Even the orgasm situation is so wrong.
Don't feel paranoid.
I don't know why people feel they have to share so much of their history,yes its good to be honest but some things are best kept quiet in my opinion.Or at least played down.Its all ancient history and nothing to do with how you are now or your marriage.
He has to deal with it not punish you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): OMG, the only thing wrong with you is that you married an ignorant chauvinistic Victorian era paranoid freak like him.
He's got deep seated beliefs about what women should and shouldn't be. He doesn't realize that this isn't the 19th century anymore. Women are actually allowed to vote, get paid a living wage, and have the same sexual freedoms that men have always had since the dawn of time. His beliefs are part of his psychological makeup, you can't do anything to change his mind. He's already made up his mind and is so rigid he is afraid to change them. It stems from insecurity about his own manhood. It has nothing to do with you, it's entirely all about him and how inadequate he feels.
And you had an orgasm during sex with him and he's mad at you for that?? WTF?
Sorry to say this but I think you made a huge mistake marrying this guy. He does not, and refuses to accept and respect you. I just don't see a way this relationship can work, I'm sorry.
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A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (19 February 2012):
"I didn't trust anyone but still needed sex (shoot me, I'm human!!)"
I'm sorry to tell you, but we ALL humans are hardwired for SEX and REPRODUCTION. It is a fact of life, evolution, science, and all that stuff. Some people have bigger urges for sex than other ones, but generally, EVERYBODY haves sexual urges, from time to time.
"and says that sort of behaviour is unnatural for a woman"
Yes, there might be a lot of women that do not feel to much urge for having sex, but there is also A LOT of other women wanting to have sex. For some woman, this urge is bigger than other women. You might be of this kind of women, BUT THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. You are built this way, AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT. Sexual urges are mostly a result of HORMONES messing up with our minds and our reproductive organs. Thanks to hormones, babies are made every second in the world.
Torturing you because your sexual urges is like torturing a guy just for being too tall. Or like making feel bad a woman, just because she is a woman. Your husbands seems TOTALLY IGNORANT in this regard.
"Is it abnormal that one of my ex boyfriends was much older than me (32 when I was 18)?"
This is not the rule, and probably an exception. But, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. For millions of years, men and women have coupled with their counterparts, regardless of their ages. If you felt like dating a 32 year old guy back then, there is no problem with that. You were a grownup , it was your decision, and no one got hurt.
Now, your husband seriously have troubles with your past.
He has three options: forgive you, loose you, or stay with you but keeping torturing you about your past.
Talk with him, and tell him how annoyed you are by the way he is referring constantly about your past . If you are not able to talk to him, WRITE HIM A LETTER. Pour your soul on it. Make sure he read it . There are some kind of persons that can't stand direct confrontation, so writing a letter sometimes is better.
If he doesn't seems to get it, insist on you both to go to couples therapy.
Wanting sex is normal for everybody. IT IS FACT. DON'T FEEL ASHAMED.
By the way, is your husband some sort of puritan, religious fundamentalist, cult member, far right conservative? I'm just curious.
I hope things get better for you both!
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (19 February 2012):
 I don't think it's abnormal for women to have sex without emotional connection. There are plenty of women who do and there will still be women who do in the future. We have needs and we shouldn't deny ourselves the right to fulfill them just because we're not willing to give a relationship in return. You are not a slag. You were just living your life, and at the time that was what you wanted to do. You've explained to him countless times about the whos and whys of what you did. There's no need to waste your time doing it again. This is something he just won't understand. Your past is your past and no kind of research is going to justify YOUR reasons for why you did that. Also, I don't think it's abnormal for a relationship with that big of an age difference. You probably can't explain your feelings without bringing up the whole issue, but you should tell him that he can't justify your past with research or anything else besides your own reasons, and that you would like for him to not make you feel like a slag because of it. Your past is your past and you can't change it and he can't either, so he needs to accept it.
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