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My new boyfriend doesn't make me feel beautiful

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 July 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 20 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend doesn't ever make me feel beautiful. He will always say to me 'you look nice' but I can tell he is just saying that without any true feeling.

I would say I am an attractive girl and tend to get a lot of male attention and feel confident in myself. Ex-boyfriends have always made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. But I just never feel that from him I never get 'wow you looking stunning' or 'you look so hot' and it is starting to upset me.

He told me once his ex-girlfriend was 'literally stunning' and that made me think that shouldn't a guy who cares about you see you as the most beautiful thing in the world. Maybe I am just being insecure but compared to how ex's used to make me feel adored I not feeling that from him.

View related questions: ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (20 July 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou are responsible for your own feelings and not him, therefore you should make yourself feel beautiful. You cannot blame him if you are insecure. All men are different with compliments and with words. If you don't feel like the relationship is working for you then end things, but remember he is doing nothing wrong.

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A male reader, froglegs France +, writes (13 July 2017):

I find myself in agreement with "olderthandirt "

I ask you do you know why he is with you?

Does he think you are smart like how you think?

Girls don't like if men just are with them for their looks or if we look at their body and not what is in their mind. If you don't know why he loves you and want someone that likes you or your looks you are in danger of making a mistake with the sweet talking type guy that can tell you your the sexist woman he has ever seen.

My best mate can talk any girl into bed and does, and he lives with his gf

I am with the same woman with 30 years, I have never cheated on her, But I do tell her she is fun to be with and all the other things as well as the fact I THINK SHE IS SEXY, but she never believed it. Sometimes she would say that she loves me but my looks are not what she likes or looks for in a man but she loves the way I think. She know my friend before me he is your George C type and she liked his bad boy way but she did not like his me me way,

Looking at your post it is like the guys that keep asking their gf ( AM I THE BIGGEST GUY YOU HAVE EVER HAD )

Looks don't make a girl THE GIRL on more than a bid member makes a man

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 July 2017):

Compliments about your appearance should be spontaneous. The feel best when they're unexpected.

They're really food for the ego. If you need them, that's vanity begging for praise and attention. When they come, you accept them with grace; but shouldn't care less. Unless you need constant reassurance that you're pretty.

Is he ugly, just average? Then he doesn't have to remind you or himself how luck he is. When did you last tell him he was cute?

Don't compete with how exes were treated. They're history and you're now and present. He probably called her some nasty names too. Why do you need him to tell you what you already know and have been told many other times before? Perhaps he likes a girl who is humble and confident. A fine lady who doesn't require a lot of flattery. Back in high school the pretty ones probably snubbed him.

He told you his ex was stunning? Then I guess his taste is consistent. You've replaced her. You're his upgrade.

He probably never told her that. Some guys are lugs when it comes to smooth-talk. Being all suave and full of compliments. Others are Mr. Smooth and full of crap; and you need hip-boots to walk through it. I don't trust people too full of compliments. Compliments embarrass me anyway.

You need to be secure and confident in yourself. You don't need validation from any guy. I think you're exaggerating if you claim he has never once complimented your looks; unless you've only known him for a few weeks. He had to get your attention in order to get you to date him; and that was when he had to pull-out all the stops.

Well, he's gotcha!!!

Wanna know how I know my guy thinks I'm good-looking? When we're out with our friends or out on the town; and I see how proud he is being next to me. When I get ready for work, and he checks me out. I can watch his expressions in the mirror behind me while I'm getting ready. Sometimes he just looks at me without a word. I do the same thing to him. Subtle says so much more to me! I feel the vibe!

I don't always blurt-out whats going through my mind when I see him; but I bet my facial expressions say a thousand words. We've been together awhile. So we might only say "you look nice." I think I demonstrate my feelings outwardly and honestly. That's what you deserve most from him.

Inside my head, I think he's hot...all that and a bag of chips; but I'm not going to feed his ego and swell his head! He does look pretty good in shorts and no shirt, I won't lie!

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 July 2017):

olderthandirt agony auntYep You're being a bit insecure. While some guys prattle on and on to try and pump up a woman's ego. Others just like admiration in silence so as not to sound like an idiot. You have a mirror you know how you look. Why depend on your boyfriend to tell you flattering things? These days guys are reluctant to comment on a woman's appearance lest they be called superficial. It's like being damned if you do and damned if you don't. Deep breaths and self reliant

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (12 July 2017):

YouWish agony auntNobody can "make" you feel anything you don't want to feel. You either feel beautiful inside and out, or you don't. Your self esteem should not and should never hinge on someone's appraisal of you. If he were the type to nitpick and call you "ugly". you drop him because you know the truth.

Many people are uncomfortable with giving compliments. He most likely will describe you as "stunning" to someone else, but may hesitate to phrase it like that with you. He might also want you not to "get too full of yourself" by overpraising you, which is a relationship political power issue, in which case, he has intimacy issues and you should talk to him about it.

Yes, I'd talk to him about it if I were you, but before that, you need to absolutely and utterly resolve within yourself that if you never hear praise about your looks from either him or anyone else, that you don't need approval to gauge your self-worth. Don't ever tie a single insecurity onto the strength of a compliment, or its phrasing.

One other thing -- WHY IN THE HELL are you and he bringing up exes in your relationship? Why are you comparing him to your exes who treated you a certain way, and WHY is he describing how an EX-GIRLFRIEND look to you?? That's just stupid, and if he's the originator of this, then all the more reason to have it out with him.

I'd say something like this:

"Hey, **insert name**, I've been noticing something I thought I would clear the air about. I noticed you like to describe how "literally stunning" your ex is to me, yet you describe me as "you look nice". Just to let you know that I already know that I"m literally stunning, and when I'm in a relationship with a man, I don't want to bring in exes, past or present, into our conversations. If you're mentally having me come up short to her, let me know, and I can find a guy who isn't still burning a torch to his ex, and I certainly don't need to be dating a chronic understator if you find me stunning as well, yet withhold that appraisal of me".

Then I'd be about my business. There's no way a guy will make me feel insecure about anything. But then again, I don't give anyone permission to make me feel inferior. It's possible that his ex WAS better looking than you, but so what?? Looks are not everything. "The most beautiful thing he's ever seen" is good for books and movies, but I would rather the man I love not lie to me, and not compare me to someone else. If looks were everything, why isn't he with her??

You need to shore up those insecurities, and work on yourself in order to overcome them without relying on one single word that comes out of anyone else's mouth.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom + , writes (12 July 2017):

Phil052 agony auntThis is a tricky one. Some men are just more demonstrative and outgoing than others. Some get embarrassed about handing out compliments to women. It's difficult to guess whether your bf is one of these types, or that he's pining for his ex, and therefore not fully committed to this relationship. How long have you been together?

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