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How much space do I need to give this guy?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 July 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 13 July 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been dating a guy for a while, but so far it hasn't really gone anywhere and I think it's because I've been putting too much pressure on him to have a relationship. We really like each other, get on really well, have loads in common and have a great chemistry. But I know he is nervous about getting into a relationship, so every so often if we're getting close, he pulls away.

My response to this has always been to freak out and want to talk about it, which has always made the situation worse. The more pressure I put on him, the more adamant he becomes that he doesn't want a relationship. Eventually we have a fight, I'm distraught, but a few days later he's more keen to get close to me than ever and we start seeing each other again.

I really want to break this cycle! A few weeks ago we had a fight (same old story!) and I decided to give him some space for once. We didn't speak for a few days and when I texted him he sent monosyllabic replies. I left him alone for a few more days and he eventually sent me quite a long message basically saying he was confused about how he felt towards me. I responded saying he needed to figure out what he wanted, but when he replied he didn't really address the issue.

Since then we've had a couple of friendly conversations, but nothing deep. It's been two weeks since we saw each other. My question is, how much space do I need to give this guy? I like him so much and would love to be with him, so what should I do? Should I continue the occasional friendly texts until he wants to see me, or should I cut all contact? I know he likes me and is confused but he's a bit shy and not very forthcoming, so I worry that if I cut all contact I'll never hear from him again. What should I do?

View related questions: shy, text

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 July 2017):

How much space do you give him? How about out the door and through the next two counties? He's not interested in a relationship and you're wasting your time.

Push the reject button, and move on.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree, DROP him and move on.

He knows you want a relationship, he knows HE DOESN'T. You are both on your 30's? Correct? So there should be no doubt about these things. Either he WANTS to date you and BE with you or he doesn't. ALL his actions that you mention shows that he doesn't want to date (at least not YOU) or (at least not at this point in his life).

He hasn't TOLD you outright that he doesn't want to be in an ACTUAL adult relationship with you. It's easier to tell you that you "pressure him" and then go fart off and do whatever he likes for a few days.

He likes having a woman WANTING him. He knows how to play you.

This is not viable for a healthy relationship. You are dating a yo-yo and you ARE wasting your time. You think YOU can fix this, but it's actually NOT about you. (per se). It's about him. HE doesn't WANT all the responsibilities and commitments expectations that come with being in a relationship. It's MUCH easier for him to get the "GF-experience" with you and when you want more he pulls a turtle and put YOUR life on hold till he wants that "dating feeling" again from you.

Someone who TELLS you they are unsure - who RUNS away when the other wants more, they are WASTING your time.

THIS guy is wasting your time.

You sound like you are ready to meet someone to wants to settle down, have a family maybe get married - this guy? Wants NONE of that now.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (12 July 2017):

chigirl agony auntDrop him. I dont even need to read it all. How can he be dating and at the same time not want a relationship? That is the purpose of dating, to have a relationship. There is no such thing as too much pressure. He simply does not like you in that way and doesnt want a relationship with you, but enjoys the attention (and possibly the sex). He is wasting your time and playing with your emotions. Drop him.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (12 July 2017):

N91 agony auntWhy would you WANT to keep hearing from him?

He doesn't want a relationship with you, he has told you this himself how much clearer does he need to be?

You're both on completely different pages and the longer you speak to this guy the more and more time you're wasting that you could be spending with someone who wants the same thing as you.

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