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My mom prefers her granddaughter who is rich than my daughter and baby son who are not!

Tagged as: Faded love, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 September 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 10 September 2018)
A female Peru age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My mother has been insisting on getting my daughter and son baptized in her church. I don’t go to church because in her community there is a lot of fake people who I don’t want to hang around with. They judge me because I am a teen parent and I am broke, I don’t have the money to make a proper small celebration to conmemorate the baptizement and I am saving up. Last year my sister who is older by fifteen years had a big baptizement celebration for her baby and my mom was so proud. The thing was full of money and my mom’s eyes were shinning.

This year she has insisted too much I just can’t resist her anymore that I said ok, let’s do it. She wants us to just baptize them without doing a celebration. She said to wear whatever and do it fast because none of the material stuff matters. I know that for sure, but what matters to me is not make something cheap and tacky like she did to me because my baptizement was a traumatic experience , there was nothing nice that I remember I was crying because I was not prepared, it was done in the same way that she wants to repeat, she repurposed a dress that didn’t fit me and they changed me wet naked in front of Everyone at the place and I was seven. There was nothing for the people present and It was a mass baptizement. II got nothing for presents I didn’t get a Bible it was all done because my mom needed to get off the pressure of not having baptized me. Now she is feeling pressured again about what her church members would think that her grandsons are not baptized.

She doesn’t want to participate organizing, or put a minimum effort, she just wants to get it done. I Wish to do it but I want to do something small but Meaningful. My partners family want to go and I can’t have nothing for them to eat and drink. My mom just doesn’t give a d*mn.

She had a Holy Cross for my daughter which was given to her in Russia by someone special , waiting for the day. She had showed me it and two other crosses that they had for whoever needed one that were simple. She mentioned that my sister’s daughter would have to choose one too. She wasn’t even born yet. My daughter is going to be six and my baby is one. Since I know my sister is jealous and always wants to take all that is for me or my kids, and has taken every single thing she could from my mom including all her jewerly and her art, I knew I had to watch my back and told her: when she chooses remember that the one with the diamonds was a gift for my daughter. Let her choose from the other ones, please.. She agreed.

Now she sends me the pictures of the ones that are for giving away to the rest of the people and says these are left for your kids to choose and I tell her about the cross that was my baby’s and she started straight lying to my face. “Oh you mean the old rusty one that is abandoned in a drawer? Nobody wants that but if it’s so important you can have it.” You mean rust on a Silver cross? And the diamonds are gone? Like If It didn’t even exist. I feel so angry and resentful because I just asked what happened to the Cross and she inmediatly became defensive and started to write “ you know what, you only care about the material” I called her and she started fake sobbing like if I had insulted her and saying “After all that I had done for you! It’s never enough!” She just flipped out and hang me up on the phone, like I am a miserable daughter and a shame.

I feel that she is being so unfair. My daughter has been around for six years but she never got as much atention or love or gifts as my sisters daughter. Since she was born she has been much more present in her life. She gifted a piece of art made by her that was done with intrincate details which took her a year to paint. Inspired by her name which is my name too and she didn’t ever make a painting for me in 24 years or for her grandchildren. Why is she more special? I’ll tell you why.

My sister’s husband has some money. She knows they have possiblities and she is mezmerized by their money, so she does an effort to win them. Since I was a teen and two times single mom I am the black sheep to her. I never got the chance or the support (like she got) to get married. My mother told me “sorry, she paid for her wedding sweetie, and you are poor so you can’t get married. We don’t have money for a wedding.” And they made me move with my broke boyfriend because my sis said so. She controls them. Now I am seriously in trouble but I have worked my ass off and I am studying. The thing is that my mom did help her, as well as with her studies and she lived in their house until she got married at 30. Of course she got a better living now. But she is a snake: my sister accused her of being a prostitute and that she got evidence of everything, the cheating and got my parents to never talk to eachother again. When they reconciled after 3 years of not talking, my mom finally agreed to pay for my studies. My sister found out and she got so mad that she called her and said that if she was going to help me that she had to inmediatly pay her 4 grand of all the times she has payed for my mom’s Whatever.

What do you think my mom said?

Guess what, you’re right. Mom said ok honey then the b*tch (me) is not going to college.

Please, dear reader, give me your kind advice. It’s not about the material, I mean in some way it is, but what is so sad to me is how she is so manipulated by her and how she mistreats our relationship and most importantly my children.

View related questions: cheap, jealous, money, prostitute, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2018):

ok dont worry about mum as she will be busy thinking of ways to get you to reconnect with her.

She wasnt crying but she was feeling guilty about giving the cross to your sister.

Its you I'm worried about although you sound resilient.

You shouldn't have a Baptism just to pacify your mum and certainly not as an add on to a public service.

If you found it traumatic your daughter may feel the same way.

If you care about your daughters feeings you must insist on a private ceremony with both families present and a lot of love and consideration for your little girl.

You can contact the church yourself and insist on a child friendly ceremomy.

A private 15min ceremony if needs be.

And you can offer to pay for it for it weekly at an affordable rate something like $5 if thats what you can afford.

You must try to be in control of this situation before it becomes a tug of love thing.

Stand your ground.

You are not asking for the sun and the moon, just a bit of privacy and respect.

I dont like your mothers tone towards you.

It is never acceptable to refer to your daughter as 'that bitch!'

Its totally out of order and it is out of order to arrange any event without your consent as these are your children.

As for your sister calling your mum a prostitute,well, thats out of order too.

So brush some of the burden off your shoulders and leave mum be for now.

You might find it best to carve your own pathway without any interference from wealthier family members.

I would suggest avoiding the kids doing sleep overs at rich sis house as they may become unduly influenced by wealth.

Also stay close to your partner and their family if they are kinder and less discriminatory.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 September 2018):

There is so much resentment, envy, and animosity; that I don't know where to begin. I'm going to tell you now, and you don't have to read any further. I'm a straight-shooter, and I don't mince words. I don't mean I'm going to be mean or disrespectful; just straight with you.

Baptism is a ceremony of faith. It's not about crosses and after-parties. It's about a relationship with Jesus; it is instructed to be done by scriptures to represent a rebirth from the material world into the spiritual-realm of God. He doesn't care if you throw a party afterwards; He wants you to do it for His sake. Your jealousy of your sister has taken the whole spiritual meaning out of this religious rite; and made it part of a fight among you, your mother, and your sister. Where's God in all this?

Parents work and take care of us from gestation to birth, from birth to the time we can take care of ourselves. You were rebellious, you decided to have unprotected-sex in spite of what you were taught. Who's fault is it that your boyfriend is broke and fathered a family he can't support?

Doesn't your mother have a right to be disappointed, and to allow you to live your life with the man you have chosen? If you're old enough to decide to have sex; you've also taken on the probable responsibility of being a mother. So your mother gave you the chance to do what she did. Be a mother, and raise your children as best you can. She didn't stop loving you. She finds it hard to reward you for defiance and disregard for all you were taught from a child.

She's a hypocrite, if she doesn't know about forgiveness; but all she knows is religion. Where is God in that? His judgement goes way over any opinion of another human being.

Too bad in all her piety she hasn't remembered that. Get baptized 100 times; it's meaningless without faith, love, and change behind it. What is she going to church for, if she's not learning anything? Nor practicing what's being preached?

Why shouldn't she be proud of your sister, who waited to get married and then get pregnant? Why shouldn't she be happy that her daughter is doing well for herself? You're a mother now. Someday what goes around will come around. Let's see how well you'll do.

When your mother grows old, and unable to care for herself; which one of you is most likely to take care of her? Which one is likely to have the means to do so? This is all hypothetical of course; but if she had to do it now, it looks like it's your sister. If your sister is being nasty to her; odd that your mother rewards her for being so? That doesn't make sense! The story of sibling rivalry and jealousy goes back to Cain and Abel. It didn't go well for Cain. He forgot about God, and got caught-up in the envy of his brother.

Continue your studies. Struggle and pray. Put God back into it, and you will see some changes come about. Stop letting the anger and resentment overtake the situation. Let you be the one to decide to break this bitter triangle. Just let bygones be bygones. Let your mother keep her old crucifixes. They're just material things, and the Bible says nothing about needing one. Jesus did everything He needed to do on a cross. He placed that cross in our hearts and spirits. Not around our necks. You do need a Bible, and most churches will issue them for free! You're supposed to read it; not stick it in a drawer or on a shelf to collect dust.

People know your financial situation; so your pretense to have when you have-not isn't fooling anyone. Yes, you should want to offer your guests refreshment. Last I heard, if you ask God; He will provide. Oh, I forgot, He's not in any of this. You're mad at Him, and all this mess is His fault! The church and people screw-up; but God gets the blame! Never-mind what He tells us what to do and not to do. So He gets brushed aside, and you wonder why things got so hard?

Be nice regardless of how anyone else behaves; because you're the role-model for your children. Lest they grow-up and inherit this messy relationship; and recreate the bitter triangle of mean mama and rivaling siblings. Maybe someday your kids will be complaining about you, and how they dislike each other. Don't wonder why if it happens! "The sins of the father shall be visited upon the sons..." Why? Because we plant those bitter seeds to propagate henceforth. They repeat what we do!

There is no shame in poverty. There is shame in being prideful and unforgiving. You struggle and you provide your children what you can with love. You are working towards a better life for your children. God will give you whatever you need. It's not about church, it's not about ceremony, it's about the heart and spirit behind it all. It's about God.

Keep working your ass off; because your reward and blessing is coming no matter what your mother or sister do. Your mother may worry about what the congregation thinks; but she better be more concerned of what Jesus thinks! All of you better!

This is all about jealousy, money, rebellion, and estrangement. Step-away from it. If either your mother or sister want to help you pay for your studies; it shouldn't matter where the money comes from. Be thankful and be gracious. God blesses us through other people. Even when they don't want to; or have no idea that's what they're doing. The point is, His will is being done.

I will pray for all of you. It's all a bunch of foolishness.

You all reap what you sow. The fighting makes no sense, and you're concerned about material things and money. When Jesus is about love. Even if you don't care about church, you have to love your mother and your sister. You think your mother was wrong to put you out? I agree, it was heartless and cruel. However, you decided to be a teen-mother when you decided to have sex. You know sex makes babies. Now you have two. So that's where your focus must be. Love for the babies.

Make peace, forgive, and things will change.

You've characterized your sister as mean, disruptive, conniving, and coming between you and your mother. Doesn't seem you've been a saint in dealing with your sister either. You don't seem to hide any resentment for her. So you're all just wasting precious time, and making absolutely no sense.

None at all!

Keep your kids away from anybody who mistreats them. Easy remedy. You can't force anyone to love anybody; but you can protect them from mistreatment.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2018):

This is really sad because this situation can repeat itself endlessly.

If you check out dysfunctional families on the net you will see that you have been assigned the scapegoat role and your youngsters are overlooked.

You are being manipulated to your face and behind your back.

Your priority has to be yourself and your children.

Its not an easy situation to be in and there are no easy answers.

Life isn't all about the material aspects but to many people that is their entire focus.

You have your own value and your children have their own value regardless of the parents income or potential income.

I don't know if free counselling would help in order for you to talk about realistic boundaries between your extended family members.

You are going to have to be very assertive about what works for you and remember circumstances change in everyones life and no one stays static forever.

If only I knew you personally I would give you all lots of jewellery so no one was left out!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntBuy the bibles for your kids, that way you KNOW they will get one. Same with the crosses.

While a cross with diamonds that were in the family long sounds great... A cross is a cross, it's a symbol of the faith. Diamonds make no difference.

Stop comparing yourself to your sister. Make the best of YOUR life. So what that she is wealthy? That doesn't make her better than you. It doesn't make her a better person. You sister seems like a rather unpleasant person and well, your mother doesn't know how to treat you two equally.

I don't know but my guess is your MOTHER raised the two of you to envy and compete with each other. Which is a big shame.

Make your life the way you want it to be without RELYING on your mom or sister - not of their money nor their expectations or opinions.

If you have 2 kids with your BF and you live together, then maybe getting married is not in the cards right now. THAT was your choice. To have kids BEFORE marriage. So you make the best of it.

If you WANT your kids baptized then do so, but DO it on your terms.

A dress/outfit for them to wear shouldn't cost an arm and a leg. It's for one day only. So maybe look into a used but nice looking dress/outfit. The kids won't care. Your God won't care.

A nice gold or silver cross is fine. They are kids. You can always "upgrade" that over time when you have more money.

Bibles can also be secondhand. What is wrong with that? It's not the price-tag on them, it's the message within.

If you can't afford a party afterwards, then just prepare some simple things for your little family for after the baptismal. Make it a nice experience for your kids.

Keep working and saving up to finish your degree.

You mom and sister like this dysfunctional drama they got going on, you can CHOOSE to not take part in that.

And what about your dad? How does he figure in? And your Bf? Can he help you with college? If not... YOU are a GROWN woman and mother of two, time to stand on your own two feet.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2018):

I am who posted this.

I don’t want to hurt my mom. But I know she wasn’t crying, she was faking and I don’t deserve this, it is her way of making me feel bad. know why I have to be blamed by her for her mistakes that she doesn’t even regret. I need a way to solve this with her, she is too offended. Please help me.

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