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Do men dating online often omit details of past relationships?

Tagged as: Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 September 2018) 2 Answers - (Newest, 9 September 2018)
A female Argentina age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I’m curious whether this is the norm with men in particular and online dating, but do men generally omit details about the more recent relationships / dalliances so as to not appear still hung up on someone? Or some other reason?

I was in discussion with a guy online recently who I later learned was an ex love interest of a colleague at work - we’ve never met, and he doesn’t know me outside of the online dating chat. I got talking to this guy about his recent relationship experiences and he failed to even as little as mention the ”thing” with my collegue, and outright lied about not dating or having kissed anyone this year. i tried to tip toe around the topic, asking other questions to elicit at least some discussion about it but he just downright behaved as though she never even existed?

This “thing” between them was over a year, he would disappear and come back repeatedly and most recently he was the one hurt because she returned to an ex. He lied and said he’s been single over 2 years, and he’s not been romantically involved with someone that led to kissing since in a relationship (lie). He also denied any friends of the opposite sex having “feelings” towards him, which was clearly the case in my friends experience with him. Can someone please explain why someone seems so open about a past relationship to a complete stranger, but acts as though a most recent experience never even happened? It just baffles me.

View related questions: at work, kissing

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 September 2018):

The point is moving-on and forgetting the past. The only thing to prove is your decency and credibility. Obviously he didn't pass the test. He's a reject. That has nothing to do with men in-general.

Your previous relationships are your personal-business. Considering that many people get retro-jealousy; and concern themselves with how they compare to your exes. You move forward, and don't let exes infringe on your freedom. That's not a guy-thing, it's the smart-thing. There is no grand male-conspiracy to lead you into darkness and ignorance of who they were before you met them. Online or off! The point is to get to know them, and judge them by what you know. Not try trapping them into lying.

In some cases there are scammers or players. In every single case, you have to judge him "individually;" by his character. You won't find one without faults or flaws. As you get to know him; you check the boxes. You evaluate what suites your personal-criteria and expectations.

He may have had great past-relationships, and still be a total jerk. He could be a great-guy, but had a string of unfortunate failed-relationships. Not always the guy's fault; as many women come here to implicate.

If you've had some past failed-relationships; should a guy just assume you're a potential psycho-girlfriend; and no man could ever live-up to your expectations? There's being careful; then there's being crazy. Sometimes there's a very thin line between the two.

You think you're getting the inside-scoop. Some people don't like the idea of knowing you're dating their exes. It's too close for comfort. They may purposely mislead you, to throw you off. They'll pretend to like you to your face, fake that they're giving you fair warning; but truthfully, they really can't stand you. Nor the idea of you with someone they were with, or lost. You're going on the presumption you have a reliable source. For all you know, it could be quite the contrary. It's a case of he-said/she said.

There are two-sides to every story, and sometimes each party will tell you their slanted side of it. What went wrong for her; may go perfectly right for you.

You're only trying to date the guy; not marry or hire him.

You hardly know him! Now you think you do; because you asked questions behind his back. As if that makes you the better person for doing so. What about your exes? What would they say about you? You're single and in your 30's. You too, have a past. Only he has no one he can ask about you. It's a small world, maybe he has. You know one of his exes. Now just hope your source likes you; and she won't run interference, and tell him what she thinks of you! Now she can go back and tell him, how you were asking her about him.

It's you who tried to get an unfair advantage and included a third-party. It think it could backfire! You don't know what's true or not true, really.

So you think you've caught "him" in some lies. Presuming you always tell the truth, and never have been caught in a lie before. What does that have to do with what's normal for other men? He doesn't know a thing about you. That you snoop people out; and you listen to gossip, without offering the benefit of the doubt.

Regardless of gender, some things you just want to forget and start from scratch. You assume to know his past. You have concluded he is a liar. So now, move on.

Other men have nothing to do with it. You only know so many of us. We can't all be judged by those you've encountered. It could all depend on your taste, judgement, type, and personal-choices. You choose online and offline randomly.

Chances are always 50/50 going either-way. He may have just as much reason to avoid you; as you have to avoid him.

You can't paint a broad brush-stroke of what men tend to do. Online-dating is full of people of all-types. People have flaws. That's why they are still single; and are still looking for love. Just like you!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 September 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntA question for YOU: why are you so fixated on this one on/off relationship? His past relationships are, quite frankly, none of your business, unless they affect you in some way (violence, STIs, etc). How do you know that the relationship with your colleague meant as much to him as it did to her? Or perhaps he has chosen to block it out and not speak of it because he got his comeuppance after messing her about and feels hurt/embarrassed. Of perhaps he knows you are colleagues and chooses to not embarrass HER? Without asking him outright, there is no way of knowing.

You need to decide whether his denial of this relationship is a deal-breaker or not. If it is, then draw a line under this dalliance and move on. If not, then stop digging and driving yourself crazy.

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