| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi. I'm not looking to be judged. I am just looking for some good, sound advice as this situation is not one you can discuss openly. And as happy as it can be, it can also be difficult and very painful. I am not sure how to address this. I hope you will print my post as I suppose married people having affairs seems to cause upset overall with most readers. But just understand you are helping a fellow human being who is human and in pain after all. Something we all feel.The married man I have been in a 4.5 year relationship with I never expected to be involved with but it was like a bolt of lightning hit out of nowhere. It's been a good relationship for the most part with a lot of up's and down's. Just recently, he distanced himself from me for a couple of days. When I asked him what was going on with him, he told me he did not enter an affair to fall in love. Then he told me he loves me. He told me this for the very first time. These are the 3 magic words a part of me had always hoped to hear. But instead of feeling elated, I felt a sense of despair as uttering those words and forcing oneself to confront the reality of them could be a thing of despair. And nobody more than a married person who got in over their head.He said he doesn't want to lose what he spent 30 years building with his wife. He called himself an idiot for being with me and called me an idiot for being with him.He said he is in turmoil. He thinks about leaving his wife to be with me but doesn't want to lose what he built up with her. (not once did he mention that he loves her). We spent a week together on a vacation and got very close. Interestingly and maybe not surprisingly, after the trip was over, he pulled away. I said it was so great being with him full time and like a real couple. He agreed. One lady who was walking down the street flashed us a big smile as we walked by and said we looked so cute together. I said it went from all to nothing. He agreed to that too and said it was hard to adjust to life again after being together everyday like that.He said he doesn't want to lose what he built up with his wife but he doesn't want to lose me either. He told me he wants me to go away, as his life would be so much easier, but he doesn't want to lose me. He is contradicting himself. He says he is stealing my youth away and making it impossible for me to find a guy who cares about me and loves me. He cannot give me all that I deserve and need. But at the same time he does not want me to leave him and find another man. He said either option is painful for him. He wishes I would say goodbye but he doesn't want me to say goodbye. He often pushes me away and when he pushes me far enough, he pulls me back in again. This happens a lot.I am not sure what to make of this? He causes me the same pain. I wish he would leave her for me but I know it would never work out if he did. I will never be able to trust him. I don't trust him fully right now. And I fear the lack of trust would be even worse if I became his wife.I have accused him of sleeping with other women while he has been with me. I have accused him often. He says he is used to having trust. His wife trusts him 100 per cent whereas I do not. Maybe it's because I am the mistress and she is blissfully unaware of what he is doing. He says he is his own man and I am always questioning him and it is exhausting. But I worry about his fidelity. Wouldn't any woman in my position? Sometimes I worry he says things and pulls the "I'm conflicted" act because he is with someone else, who is less baggage now - why wouldn't they be? They would be brand new compared to me, who has been with him a long time. And I worry he is trying to find a good, delicate excuse to break it off with me so that he can go be with a new woman. An excuse which may not anger or hurt me to the point of retaliation or ruining his life as a mistress scorned. He says if we are no longer together, he would resort back to a life of celibacy. Which I would truly find difficult to believe. After 4 years of the best sex of your life, how could any man choose to go back to celibacy? He does not have sex with his wife because she has a medical condition. Yes, I know, hard to believe, but I have always believed him about this.It just all seems so ill fated. Doomed. Even though our feelings for each other are so genuine and deep. Isn't it sad that in life we meet the right person at the wrong time? He is my true love. He changed my life. It has been so hard at times being in love with this man. I love him and sometimes hate him all at once. But I cannot seem to let him go. It is painful to stay with him and painful to lose him. So, I think he and I are feeling similar things.I wish we had started out on the right footing. If his marriage was not completely fulfilling, I wish he had left her then. He did tell me early on, about 4 months in, that he was thinking about leaving his wife for me, then he got cold feet.Our feelings are genuine. The sex is still out of this world although it does not take precedence as it did in the early days.He said it's hard to have both a wife and a mistress. He feels his energy being depleted. He has put on weight and does not sleep well at night. He wakes up a lot and sometimes stays awake all night. I guess I can be quite demanding as after all this time, it feels a lot like a relationship and I have needs too. But my needs to another man, who would not be married, would probably not be too demanding. Different story with a married guy who already has a wife.I feel stuck. I know in my heart that leaving him is the answer and he may think the same thing. But somehow, we are both holding on. We cannot seem to leave each other. I guess I don't want to face the world of pain and destruction at the end of the road. I could not bear the withdrawal. And the emptiness of a man I have grown to love in my own way. A man who has been part of my life for a long time. 4.5 years lasts longer than some marriages. It has been very REAL to me.He has been steady for a long time. But lately he has been losing his resolve. I am not sure WHY this is now happening when he has always been so happy with me? I ask myself what has changed? He said he will never hurt me or leave me.I am sorry I have poured out my heart here. I have nobody to talk to.I am hoping some kind strangers could advise me.Why is he feeling the way he is?He was here today and we made love. It was all perfect. But I am not sure what is going to happen next.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2017): I have only one word for you and that is DISTANCE. Break clean. Things will never change and he obviously doesn't love you enough to be with you permanently. He's using you. The longer you distance yourself, the easier it will become. You should also put yourself in his wife's shoes and understand that it's total disrespect toward her. I've no doubt that he would try to find yet someone else if you left him and still stay married. He's a womanizer. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2017): He might love you in his own way. He certainly cares enough about you to risk everything he has built up already and his entire future on you. So, he thinks you are worth the risk. But just because he cares does not mean he will leave the wife. Most men are too cowardly and weak to do that. So, he is doing what is easiest and safest for him. Which is having the passion of a young woman all for himself and feeling alive and happy again. He likely lost that part of him with his room mate of a wife. I think if it was just sex, he would have bailed long ago.But he is smart enough to know that real life is more important than a fantasy life.This arrangement is not good for you long term. He knows how much you care for him and is using that to his advantage. You know you cannot go on this way forever. He knows it too and will milk it for as long as you allow it.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (27 July 2017):
 Why would he stop having sex with 2 women until he gets caught?
Stop calling this a relationship, it isn't a relationship, you're someone who's helping their husband cheat, nothing more, nothing less.
Even if he did leave his wife for you (which he won't) how could you possibly trust him?
He is NOT in love with you, if he were he wouldn't stay with someone who he doesn't love. It's really simple, but you're blinded by what he says to you which is a way of keeping you sweet and making you stick around.
I don't blame the guy for what he's doing to you, all he needs to do is feed you a few lines and you're eating out of the palm of his hand.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 July 2017):
 What I just don't get with you OP is this odd double standard that you seem to be OK with.
You write:" If I ever felt the need to be with another man at any time, I would leave my boyfriend first." So you hold yourself to a fairly high moral standard (which I absolutely agree with).
Yet you don't hold your "BF" or your "Married Man" to the same standard. You are OK with him being married. You are OK with him cheating on his wife. You are OK with being the reason he is lying to his wife.
Maybe he DOES want to get caught, maybe he wants his wife to end it. So HE doesn't have to be the "bad guy" even though it is HIS actions that would lead to a split up.
Maybe he thinks that you two can ride off into the sunset and be happy - at least till he gets BORED or UNHAPPY with you and he finds another mistress.
Just like Long Distance Relationships have a sort of "expiration date" so do affairs. They only work when it's illicit, secret and doesn't involve HUGE commitment from the married party.
As for the wife not knowing and trusting him 100%? I call bullshit. Her HUSBAND went on a weeks vacation and she didn't suspect a thing? That doesn't sound right at all. Questioning him about cum-stains?
Are YOU ready for the shit-storm that will happen when she DOES find out? (because you know she will BLAME you. Maybe also him, but you are the home-wrecker here.) Are you ready for his WHOLE family to dislike you? To want nothing to do with you? The stress HE will take out on you when the wife takes 50% and stops doing his damned laundry? She will blame YOU and HE will allow it. He might even blame you too.
Have you thought ahead at all?
You KNOW you can't trust him. That one is a given. What is a relationship without trust?
I just find it odd that a woman who seems like she had a sound head on her shoulders is willing to settle for being some married man's dirty secret.
I don't think there is a SINGLE excuse under the sun that makes cheating on your partner OK. Or cheating with another person's partner. There are plenty of single people out there.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 July 2017):
 OP, imagine yourself 10 years from now. Are you still going to be having sex with this man, while he still hasn't left his wife? If not, leave now.It's much less effort to keep one mistress on the hook, than it is to replace her with another desperate woman every year or two. That's why you're still around. Most people wouldn't put up with it for as long as you, but you'll wake up in another 5 years and realise how much of your life you've wasted on a married man.Stop deluding yourself, OP. It's not an "unconventional" relationship - it's an affair. He's also never been, nor will he ever be your boyfriend. He can't be because he's someone else's husband. He can't be both.Stop being selfish - leave him and get therapy to heal. None of this has anything to do with how many people you've slept with; you'll be 50 before you know it - do you always want to be an untrustworthy, dishonest mistress?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 July 2017):
OP, you can't be trusted because you've been with a married man for a few years now. You are single, but he is not and you've known that for a long time and stayed anyway.
Stop thinking about why and move on with your life. Stop sitting in the past. Get over him, OP. Get therapy - you need it.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (26 July 2017):
It can't be that hard to have a wife and a mistress plenty of guys including this one do it.
It must be awesome having a younger hotter woman on the side the one he throws the occasional bone to. A week together while the wife is...what visiting her sister or the grandkids? He gets to enjoy hot passionate sex then at the end go back to the wife. The one he takes out in public.: To the movies, to the neighbors barbecue, to his parents for Christmas dinner.
He's not going to leave his wife so stop kidding yourself. Be grateful for what you have. And when he's gone, if you haven't spent to much time on him you can then find a man who is available.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2017): It is the lady who wrote the question.I can be trusted. I am not married and cheating on a partner. I am single.Just to let you know, because you have judged me as non trustworthy, I was with a previous husband for 10 years and never cheated on him. I lost my virginity to him. He was my only one.My married boyfriend is now the SECOND man I have ever been with.2 in my life. Only 2 sexual partners.My character and ability to be trusted is not dependent upon an unconventional relationship. I would never cheat on this man. I care about him too much. If I ever felt the need to be with another man at any time, I would leave my boyfriend first. It is better to hurt them honestly. So, my character and past actions will certainly reflect my trustworthiness. In 4.5 years, I have only had sex with this one man and have never felt any desire for another man.As for the sex becoming stale, this has not happened yet. It has only gotten better. Yes, he cannot keep up to me like before but he is still loving every minute of it. He told me just the other day that he believes we are still together because we genuinely like each other and care about each other. So, the sex is no longer the focal point. Which means the relationship has progressed as they all do. Even if he started up with another woman, the same pattern would eventually repeat itself. I believe all relationships go through the same patterns. Illicit ones included, although the infatuation phase lasts much longer.As for his wife knowing, she might. But I suspect she is not going to say or do anything until the moment is right. He may have an idea that she is going to "lower the boom" at some point like WiseOwl said. He did tell me recently he believes she is suspicious. He never thought that before. So, he seems more on edge lately.What I am not sure about is why he does not leave me if he is so afraid of her finding out? Why has he stayed with me for 4.5 years if this was some meaningless fling? Why is he still risking it all for me? Why not move on to another woman for fun and games? Someone less invested than me? He was not looking for a relationship. I thought married men who want just sex don't stay with one woman for long. There would be no need. A smart man would know a long term attachment could be a liability and a threat to his marriage so why did he not bail by now? The other question remains. WHY NOW? He was fine on our holiday and fine up until a couple of days ago. WHAT HAPPENED in that time to rattle him? To make him worry so much that he lost a night of sleep?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 July 2017):
"I wish he would leave her for me but I know it would never work out if he did. I will never be able to trust him." You're choosing to stay because it's familiar, but you know you couldn't be with him even if he was single because you know he's a liar and a cheat. Get therapy if you still won't (note: won't, not can't) leave him immediately.The short answer is the above statement, but please read the whole thing.Please do not refuse to read answers that "judge" you; it's important for you to get the full scope of the situation and the advice we give. You've been stuck in the same place for years and you need a wake up call.Let me just start by clarifying what a relationship is: two people committed to each other and only each other. Polyamorous relationships are the exception because all are aware and committed to that relationship. You will stay in denial until you see it for what it is: a fantasy - sex outside of his marriage. It can never be genuine feelings for him and you will never be his priority.A 6 month affair is not a relationship, a 6 year affair is not a relationship - heck, a 60 year affair isn't a relationship. What you have can never be a relationship, whilst he's still married to his wife.Also, you can't be causing harm to someone and request no judgement. You are deliberately hurting his wife (as is he), so you are doing things that show you're not currently a good person.He literally told you he "did not enter an affair to fall in love", so ignore the BS that he "loves you", but understand that he *deliberately* looked for an affair. He *deliberately* cheated on his wife. You were no accident.No real relationship takes 4+ years to say they love each other. He didn't say it before because he doesn't - it doesn't take 4 years of an affair to fall in love with them. He must also be at least a decade older than you to have been with his wife for 30 years."Idiot" is not the word I'd use, but yes, you are both "stupid" for getting involved with each other and you're both morally corrupt - as you've both chosen to harm his wife, whether she knows of his infidelity or not."Not once did he mention he loves her", well, he didn't mention loving you for 4 years! Though, that's because he doesn't. He can't love you, the same way he can't love his wife properly; he only loves himself and what benefits him.What did he tell his wife when you went on holiday together? What are you to him? A business trip? A man's holiday? He can hardly say "my sex partner" and "girlfriend" wouldn't be accurate even if he'd told her.Being with him full time isn't great - ask his wife! She's been with him full time for 30 years and he's cheating on her! A week isn't remotely full time because you're not paying bills, dealing with stress from work, arguing, sharing chores, etc. It's like a honeymoon, nothing more and means even less because there's no commitment.He's actually told you you can't find a guy who cares about you and loves you (which proves he doesn't!) because you're too busy with a man who will never be yours and isn't even a decent guy (if he was, he wouldn't be cheating on his wife).He can't be faithful to you, as he's not faithful to his wife and you can only be faithful to someone you're committed to, so you can be to him, but he can't be to you, as he's still with his wife and who knows how many other women."After 4 years of the best sex of his life" - he really has fed you some rubbish, hasn't he?! You have no idea how many women he's told that too. If he's told you, he's just said that to keep you on the hook, whether the sex is good or just average enough to stop him going through the effort to find another "sucker" to give him extra sex for years. If *You* are saying it, that's a bit arrogant and should be reconsidered.You believe his wife has a medical condition that prevents sex? Have you met her? Do you know her well? There are few medical conditions that make any sexual contact impossible or cause people to choose celibacy within a marriage. Either way, after 4 years of affair sex and probably some sex in his marriage (it's highly unlikely there hasn't been any at all in 4 years), you're right to think he won't be celibate. He'll find someone else or stick with his wife's sex.Your feelings are genuine, but his are not, OP. If they were, he would have left his wife 4 years ago. It wouldn't take him this long to say he loves you or to leave his wife. He isn't the "right person" for you; he wouldn't still be married, if he was. True love happens between single people (except in polyamory) - this is not true love; it's toxic between two people who have harmed someone for selfish reasons and who couldn't trust each other even if they became a real couple.You can't "make love" when the "love" isn't mutual. You're infatuated with a married man - it feels like love, but it isn't and you'll know that when you really fall in love with a single man who will devote his time to only you and vice versa.He pushes you away with the "I wish you'd leave" and "you deserve better", then pulls you back with the "but I don't want you to leave" and "I love you" because he knows it'll keep you on the hook.Be strong! Walk away for good. Block him. Threaten to tell his wife if he doesn't leave you alone. Move on and be single (properly) for a year, then go looking for real love. Never see another married man. You are wasting your life and the longer you wait to leave, the more you'll regret it in your later years. He's using you because it's easier than finding another mistress who is desperate enough to stick around for so long, but that doesn't mean he hasn't had some one night stands too.OP, think about if this was your family member. You'd want them to leave. You've also heard of karma - imagine you've been married to someone you're in love with for 10+ years and you find out they've been cheating on you. You'll always wonder if it was the universe's way of showing you how this man's wife is suffering, even if she doesn't yet know he's cheating on her.Let go. Move on. This man can never be yours and you couldn't trust him even if he was. Get therapy. Volunteer your spare time to make up for the hurt you've caused by being a mistress. Heal from the heartache that will follow. Become busy and give yourself a new look, but do not keep in contact with this man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2017): Hi WiseOwl.It's the lady who wrote the question.How long have you been with your current partner? Is the sex now boring and same old with him? So, why make that assumption about us?You're wrong that he's bored with me sexually. That's far from the truth. If anything, the amazing sex is the one thing that has kept him coming back. His concerns were never related to sex. He's thrilled sexually. Yesterday he was with me and did not remove his clothing during foreplay. His wife did laundry today and informed him she found white stains on his private area and figured he got such stains because he was cleaning the counter or something. She informed him she scrubbed them off. I wonder if she knows and was telling him in a way? He told me that lately she is watching him closer and he thinks she suspects.I asked him why he was not more careful. Usually he is obsessively careful about covering his tracks. He said he was feeling arrogant yesterday and just didn't care. And he hadn't slept the night before and thought he might have overlooked it because of lack of sleep. He also never showered after leaving to go home. It all seems unlike him. Does he not care now if he gets caught? Does he want to get caught?I have also noticed a strange car parked outside my house. I feel like I am being watched. My landlord is the one who informed me of this. Also somebody came to the door asking questions about me. If she hired someone, she would have known for sure by now as he's at my place a lot. And the evidence would have been in abundance.The question remains: Why has he not already left me? Why has he stayed with me for 4 years? Why hasn't he found himself a new mistress if he is so bored with me? And moved on? WiseOwl, can you answer these questions for me?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2017): He's a traitor to his marriage, therefore he will betray you as his mistress and concubine. You deserve to find someone better for yourself. Unattached.
Marriage is a very serious commitment; and to suggest you not be judged for interfering and being an accomplice in betraying a lady who never did you harm, takes a strong bit of nerve. If you shouldn't be judged, should she be betrayed? Does she deserve the pain she will endure once she knows? Maybe she does by now, and that is why he is conflicted.
He has used you for what he needed you for. After time, I guess an affair seems as encumbering and restrictive as marriage. He's tired of the same ole sex; because it has become as predictable and ordinary as sex with his own wife. I doubt that it's as much of a sudden change of heart motivated by guilt, as it is boredom. He's been spreading himself too thin; and the secrecy and deception must be exhausting. If he's over 40, his testosterone-level is also declining. Not to mention the expense and energy it takes to keep two women happy at the same time.
Women are very intuitive. I am most certain she knows what's going on. She has access to his bank statement and credit card bills; and can check his phone and devices. She can smell you on him.
I speculate that she's lowering the boom, and has probably hinted that she is about to let him have it. He sees divorce in his horizon and he knows shes going to drag him through the mud for her pain and humiliation. Who knows, they may have resolved some issues, and are now in the process of reconciling past differences. He's getting older, and with age comes wisdom. He recognizes something in her, he doesn't see in you. God works in mysterious ways.
I respect you as a human being. We learn from our mistakes. I empathize with her. She's the one betrayed. So now karma steps in.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (25 July 2017):
 I normally read what the other Aunts respond but for some reason this time I am making a point in not before I GIVE YOU what ever it is I am going to say. My points are just random points from what I have taking in of what you typed, I understand you did not plan to fall for any man, and least of all one that is taken, Just A POINT that I happen to know about men that live a double life, there is a rule for people that play this secret garden life that the woman must not wear any lipstick or perfume of any type so the wife does not find out, other things like they pay in cash, and they have a list of rules they each fellow and they live their lives in a way that can make up for all the time away, wining and dining and the sex time.They take gym and other hobbies that the wife is not into so they can tell her that is what he was doing in the time he was with the mistress, I think from what you say and did not say he is not this type of man, I think he fell for you in the same way as you did for him, He might have had other women before you but I think he has not at the same time as it would take up too much time away from home, I don't think he loves you as much as you loved him, as I think your love is starting to decrease as you see no future in it with him, Yes he will not leave his wife, and if she finds out might not want you then as he might try to shift the blame on to you.It could happen that his wife knows or has an idea and is happy that he does not bother her for sex and happy to live her high life that she would not have with out him or like some women wants to put the kids through uni first, Normally people in your type situation would tell him to choose her or me, only to be expected, which is a waste of time, as you know where you stand, and then it can end up with the mistress telling the wife about her existence in a form of getting some revenge. Which in the end will not help you get over him.Try your best to take yourself out of this relationship, two is company three is a crowd, he or they are using you he may not know if she has her doubts about him,what ADVICE he has given you is coming from his love for you, and you need to give it some regard, as he loves you but has a companionship with her and does not want to come clean to her his kids his brother or sister or even his work mates, he whats to hold on to this dream of having the happy marriage and is thinking of his retirement and does not want to end up on his own or something to that effect.My heart goes out to you as you fell into this and went along for the ride until you found you have invested into something that has no future, most men stay with the wife, they might not love them some love bought women for different things but at the end of the day you can't have it all,and they often lose all, cut your loses dear he is not worth it, take a bit of time until you are ready and know you are ready to find someone new,
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 July 2017):
He's feeling that way because he's cheating on his wife.
It's not hard to work out. He knows it's wrong therefore he has these feelings of let's call it 'remorse'. Though it's not strong enough to stop him sleeping with you.
Let's get realistic for a second, he's never going to leave his wife for you. He's had 4.5 years to do so and has supposedly fallen 'in love' yet still can't bring himself to leave someone that he apparently doesn't love. Do you see why I'm finding it hard to believe he's in love with you?
You are letting your life slip away spending it with someone who is leading a double life. Do you honestly think you deserve to be the woman in the shadows? Can you not meet a single man that can devote himself fully to you? This man sees you as nothing more than someone to sleep with. At the end of the day, he's married, he isn't going to end up single and alone at an older age is he?
Have some self respect and cut this waste of space out of your life and meet someone who can give you what you require.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (25 July 2017):
There is nothing new about your problem,its an age old problem...where a married man wants his bread buttered both sides Why should he bother to make a choice.On one hand he has his wife and all the home needs looked after.On the other hand he has a younger woman,loving him.Believe me married men always say they are not having sex with their wives...when in actual fact they are .I would take her medical condition with a grain of salt....do not believe everything he says......after all he is cheating on his wife...to whom he is married and that is a committed relationship Did you ever hear the old saying ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER.Now on the other hand if you both were to get together,he could not trust you either,because you are with him a married man.Right now you have 2 choices [1] fINISH the affair with him telling him....that you might go back to him after but only after his divorcee and he is free.[2] FiNISH the affair and move on with your life and meet someone that is free to love and respect.There is no real happiness in this relationship one way or another.He is feeling guilty...and sorry for himself Take control of this situation.....make a fresh start.Because you know you could never trust him an Trust is an important part of an relationship.Kind regards NORA B.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (25 July 2017):
 Your best option is an ultimatum to him - it's her or me. Of course he doesn't want to go through divorce - who would? It is the fairest thing for everyone concerned: the wife, you and him. If he can't summon up the courage to do it, or you are not deemed to be worth it then you have your answer. Not only is he a liar, he has been lying to his wife for years, but he is also a coward.
As you said, he is stealing your youth.
It may also be that the wife knows he is cheating. It can be a very useful card to have for someone who is not now invested in the marriage.
You have to be strong because he can't be.
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