A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My lover has said he would like for his wife to find out about our affair. He is too afraid to tell her, he's afraid of losing his kids. Should I tell her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): I'm in a similar situation to you. I was convinced my lover was about to leave his wife & kids, he told me many times he was doing so. Suddenly he had cold feet and within days I called off the affair and suggested he must tell his wife the truth about us to either move forward in his marriage or end it for good. He agreed but now a few days later I think he won't tell her. I know he wants to be with me but couldn't live with himself if he left his kids. I was the fool to think I could play around with a married man, believe his promises and not get hurt. But I am the one on the outer now and I spend all day fantasising about telling his wife about our 9 month affair, showing her his love letters and messages, letting her listen to his voicemails on my phone, and sharing intimate details that I know about her to shock her into leaving him. I just know it would backfire on me. So I pray for relief from my pain, I pray to stop feeling vengeful, I pray to fall out of love with him, I pray for her to find out from a neighbour or someone other than me or her husband. I'm afraid that if HE tells her, with his smooth talking she won't leave and he will go on living in a loveless marriage of convenience, together for the sake of the kids, and the finances, and to save face. Leaving me alone & lovesick with only one card up my sleeve, that if I play, will most likely destroy his family and any chance of being with him again. I am such a tool for getting myself in this situation. All the cliches are true, everyone gets hurt.
A
female
reader, louweez23  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 If you want to end your relationship with him, that's a good way to go about it.At least it will stop him messing you around and will get all the cards out on the table and then you'll find out why there's a saying that married men never leave their wives, and next time you won't be so silly as to make yourself available to a married man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): i think your spouse should be the to tell hes wife about the relationship, its not your place and no good could come from that.
you need to talk to him about the way you feel about the whole situation, because thats the only way your going to get to the bottom of this,
hes wife has the right to know about you and him and its over everyone needs and wants closer but not all get it and then said in the saying life isnt fair
have enough respect for your self and feelings to stand your ground but also put your self in hes wifes place and undertand all in the end it will be a mess for abit but it will come better from him than you
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
 Your lover is telling you, no lieing to you that he is too afraid to tell her because he is afraid of losing the kids.....he is half heartedly trusting that you love him enough NOT to tell his wife so his fate won't be losing the kids...because if you really LOVE him, you would not tell his wife and cause him to lose his kids.
This is a form of manipulation, and you are too dumb to get it....or too besotted to see the truth about him....get a clue, he is using you....he will NEVER leave his wife and kids for YOU.
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A
male
reader, eddie  + ♥, writes (6 May 2008):
 You are in a rotten mess that you are 50% responsible for. What you re involved in is really quite evil. Instead of telling his wife, why don't you find a lover who you are entitled to. By telling his wife you're fulfilling your evil plan of stealing her husband. He is not supposed to be yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I believe you are asking the wrong question. Maybe ask him who he wants be with. Many spouses will get 80% of their needs met by their partner. They end up finding a person who gives them what they are missing. Some may realize that the 20% feels good but it is not enough so they maintain a spouse and lover. A fool would divorce their 80% to be with 20% and some go that route. As another responder mentioned it is not you. He maybe filling 80% of your needs but he is not telling his wife because you are not his 80% woman. Let us be real if he can keep you a secret all this time how much is he really giving you. If you decide to call just be cautioned that you may be hurt by information you did not know or realize. I am still young but life is teaching me many different truths. Before you can love anyone else, you have to love yourself!
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (6 May 2008):
 I would question why he wants to tell her, seriously. If he truly wanted a divorce, he would leave her and get one and not drag you into it to protect your future relationship. Once he tells her, he has more of a chance of losing those kids and more of a reason to stay, get things out in the open, and repair within the marriage what drove him to have the affair in the first place. If you are the one to tell her, you come off as the aggressive, pushy other woman and he can then say you pushed him aggressively into the affair in the first place, making him look like a victim. I wouldn't do this. If this man is ready to leave his wife and kids on his own accord, by saying the marriage isn't working for him instead of using you as the problem, he will do so and take action. He's too undecided to do this so instead, he'll make the problem YOU and then the solution will be getting rid of YOU so everything can go back to the way it was. I doubt the wife will throw her hands up and say "Oh well, you love someone else, I'll make this easy on you and let you go". It will ironically give her more leverage and could make the marriage better by giving them the opportunity to work out what caused the affair. You will be left alone because he'll tell you "it's for the kids, she'll take the kids away". The affair won't seem as exciting either once the cat's out of the bag. This is why when most affairs are no longer a secret, they end.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia + ♥, writes (6 May 2008):
 Well,
If he wants you to tell her because he thinks that way he won't lose his kids - I think he's mistaken. Now, that's not to say that I believe he will lose his children, but if he's trying to lower the chances... well, this isn't the way.
Tell him to be a man and do it himself. Don't let him wimp out on you - it's his relationship and his wife deserves the truth right from the jerk who's abandoning her.
Good luck,
xx India
P.S. Just because I think that your man is a bit of a jerk for cheating on his wife, doesn't mean I think that YOU'RE a jerk. Because you're not.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers + ♥, writes (6 May 2008):
No. If you do then you'll be volunteering to do all the work in your relationship or ever.
Plus the fact, finding out that your husband has been cheating on you is the worst way to end a marriage. To have to find out from your husbands mistress because he is too gutless will be even worse.
If he wants to have a situation where he can be civil and work out the best way for them to split up and bring up the kids then he needs to end this is a nice way.
He only wants her to find out about the affair because it will be easier than sitting her down and telling her he wants a divorce face to face.
Tell him that if he is going to cheat on his wife and break up with her then he is going to have to hurt people and that he can do his own dirty work.
Good Luck!! xx
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