A
female
age
30-35,
*hondan
writes:My husbands parents hate me. His mother accused me of being a witch because I did Tarot for fun.They even offered him money not to marry me. Well we were married on June 23rd of last year, and it was wonderful. except for his parents, who even at the reception told everyone they wished we would have waited to get married. Well about 5 months after we got married I found out I was pregnant, we weren't trying but we were both SO excited. When we told his parents they asked what we were going to do about it, as in 'are you getting an abortion?' they believed it would be better for both of us. Then come to find out his mother had told him that he should always ware a condom because I might stop taking my pill and not tell him, I couldn't believe it. After all of this my family has been up to helping with anything, we're even moving in with them so I can continue going to college. His parents have offered nothing, they call my father belligerent and say that my parents are lazy because they don't work, they don't need to. Well now that we are moving into my parents house his parent want to know everything, who's paying for what, and when it will be done. His parents wouldn't even cosign for a $2000 loan because it wasn't they responsibility, but they believe my parents should have to pay for it all because it's their house. I know I've gone on and on but I just needed to put the back round out there. Now my real question. I want to have a baby shower, but I really don't want to invite his mother, but I'd feel guilty if I didn't. I don't want her to be the reason I don't celebrate my babies life. My husband said not to invite her. What should I do???
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): This obviously is a difficult situation, and family riffs are not a good environment to bring a baby into. And very often it is pride which stops people apologising and making up.
This woman has been extremely vindictive towards you, but you do not specify whether you *want* to be on good terms with her. If not, then the family argument will remain and your future will be filled with awkward birthdays and celebrations where your child doesn't understand why granny doesn't talk to mummy.
If you want to be the one to offer the olive branch, you can use your baby shower as a good opportunity. Both you and your husband can try and sit down and have a civilised talk with your in-laws, and calmly explain that he, their son, is happy with you, and the terrible situation he's being put in whereby he has to choose sides. And most important of all, although you might not agree, how important it is for them to let him make his own mistakes.
Explain how much you love your husband, and are committed to bringing up your child as a whole family, including both sets of grandparents. But also let them know how much they've hurt you, and that this isn't something you're doing lightly. Say you would love for them to be a part of your child's life, and that you'd like his mother to attend your shower, but they must accept you and the child and not use it as an opportunity to slurry your name.
If you agree to put things behind you, they really must be put behind you - from both sides. You might find that it's not you they have a problem with, they're just frightened of losing their son, especially if you're moving in with your own parents.
Good luck with everything x x x
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (27 May 2008):
 if your husband, the son (her own flesh and blood)of this mother in law feels that inviting her is a bad idea then maybe he has some sense.
dont invite this woman who is a problem causer and stirer, its your baby shower for a baby she has made it clear she would rather not be the case. why spoil your day to please her when she will find fault anyway.
if she moans then say it was just for "close friends and family" and that you would have liked her to be there but it wasn't possible in a friendly manner. that will get the message across that what goes around comes around. and so it should.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (27 May 2008):
 Hi,
well the best thing about this is that your husband said not to invite her. Which shows where his main priorities lie : with you.
So often we see posts here where the husband is too gutless to confront the overbearing parent/s.
No way should you invite the mother. She has done nothing to accept you and made life very difficult for you.
She didnt even want you to have the baby!
The last thing you should do is invite her. She needs to know that if she is going to behave like a cow she will be treated like one. You are an adult , you are about to give birth you deserve to be treated with respect.
Don't worry when you have the baby this grandmother will soon come crawling to you so she can see her grandchild. Make it conditional that she behaves herself and if she continues to diss you then you can tell her that she can't see her grandchild.
good luck, but don't feel guilty or give him to her.
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A
female
reader, :):):) +, writes (27 May 2008):
Don't worry, its probably not personal, some parents can just be over protective of their children. Your in-laws just want their son to be happy and in doing so are being slightly invasive.
Once you have your baby and see how protective you feel towards them you'll be able to see how they feel.
By telling others that they'd wished you had waited to marry dosent mean they didnt want you to, it just means they want the best for you both.
Some mothers feel like their child is being taken away from them when they marry, especially if he is their only son, so it may be a good idea to do things together to show that he is still their son aswell as your husband.
As annoying as it may seem, try to get on, at least for your husbands sake as it must be difficult for him too.
Use the baby shower as a chance to heal rifts, I'm sure your mother in law would be happy you had asked.
Good luck with the baby.
xxx
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