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female
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*motionally distraught
writes: My husband and I have been married since June 2004. We dated for two and half years before that.Financially he is ruined and never told me before we wed.In his defense, he said he had money issues, but I see that as needing to pay a credit card late.I have found out since our wedding the following details:He owes his ex wife - $4200.00 a month in child support and spousal support, even though he only brings home $5334.00. He signed the decree to get her out of his life, but since has financially destroyed himself to keep up the payments to her.His stocks are all gone, he is in debt big time to the IRS, he's needing to file bankruptcy due to his 75,000.00 in unpiad changes, and the cream on top is he borrowed money from his wicked sister-in-law and brother because they were the only ones that could help him at the time.Since marrying him...I have had to buy his house, buy him a car, move twice to live in affordable housing while I wait patiently for his mess to iron out.His lack of movement on these issues is driving a serious wedge between us. He paid an atty. last May 2004 to represent him, and since due to his lack of action the first IRS proposal still hasn't hit the mail. Now the bankruptcy lawas are changing and he may not be able to get rid of that debt.Now comes the big issue. His ex actually wants more and is threatening to take him to court.Help...am I the world's biggest sap for keeping this man in my life? He is a good man, but due to the pressures has increasing become jealous about the stupidest stuff, and it has become more than a passing issue.
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bankrupt, debt, ex-wife, his ex, jealous, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): How can you say your husband is a "good man?" A good man is financially supportive of his family and wants his wife to be happy. You are suffering because of his financial irresponsibility. He needs to man-up! Or, you need to divorce him and manage your finances so you can take good care of yourself when you're old and not able to work. Time flies - he's wasting your best years.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): If he withheld such serious information from you before you were wed, what makes you think his values will ever change? You can't change someone else. Sounds like he's in deep, is this where you want to be?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): Til death do you part, through sickness and health! Did you forget that part of the sentence? Love is UNCONDITIONAL!!!!
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reader, becky05 +, writes (8 July 2005):
Youre not a sap because you didnt know about all his debts.Get him to tell you the truth about everything (assuming he hasnt already done so) tell him to seek professional debt counselling. dont give him any more of your money in the meantime as hes obviously not responsible enough to handle it.Get him to sort out the child support payments as it sounds like this is a large part of the problem.This must be a huge strain on you and your marriage and needs to be sorted out.
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (8 July 2005):
Honey, you are stuck in a relationship with a little immature boy who has never grown up & accepted responsbility or learned to balance a budget !
He got himself into this mess without you, and he is quite capable of getting himself out of this mess without you.
Everytime you RESCUE him, you enable him to continue in his present situation.
You are NOT a bank...and you're not a cash cow.
You did not HAVE TO buy his house & buy his car and move into affordable housing....you CHOSE to do that.
The biggest factor involved in this situation is that he DECEIVED you from the beginning about his financial status.
It has become a huge ball & chain around your neck & instead of enjoying newlywed bliss, you're in HELL !
The added jealous outbursts & insecurities from your partner do not help the problems...they increase them.
Your stress load must be OVERWHELMING, honey.
I got involved with a guy years ago who flashed money around, drove a fancy vehicle, dressed with style & class & he swept me off my feet with romance & gifts.
To my dismay, I found out he lived with his mother, owed the IRS $47,000 in back taxes, paid his ex way too much child support because he felt guilty for leaving his child,
and had an additional $76,000 in personal debt.
His total debt calculated to over $150,000 and he didn't even own a house or hold a mortgage !
The first time he borrowed money from me, set off my warning bells...I insisted he pay back every cent & he did.
I got my head out of the clouds & took a closer look at his life...his family is extremely dysfunctional & demanding, and he has no ability to budget...he throws money around left & right & then he was broke & feeling sorry for himself. One day he phoned me & said he had no food in the house, so like a fool, I bought him groceries.
He finally declared bankruptcy & was FORCED to live on a budget, which was GOOD medicine for him, but he continued to borrow money from his mom and other family members.
I totally REMOVED myself from the messy situation and refuse to allow myself to be used anymore.
I have remained friends with him, but I will no longer lend him money or feed his need for constant sympathy.
He says I am the only person in his life who shook him up enough to awaken him & make him grow up.
He has a LONG way to go, but he's learning...it will take YEARS for him to change & learn to function properly.
My advice to you....get the hell out of Dodge, sweetie !
The situation you are in will not improve...it will only escalate and if you don't STOP tossing money in his direction, you will also be in debt up to your eyeballs & your personal finances & credit rating will be in crisis.
Make YOU number one....not him...get out NOW !
In time, you will have peace of mind & a clear perspective on life, so you can go forward and meet someone who is HONEST, capable, financially stable & emotionally available !
All the best,
((big hugs))
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