A
female
age
41-50,
*ichelleH
writes:my hubbie suffers from ed and cannot get an erection. he has given me permission to find a lover as long as he knows about. i am 32 years of age and i have not had any children and i am desperate to have a child. my hubbie knows i want a child and has suggested i sleep with his brother to fall pregnant. should i do this, what do you thinkmichelle
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male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (22 January 2009):
 It has been a long while since we addressed this issue. I think that detailed communication with your husband is advised, although I tend to agree that his age is a bit advanced to begin any form of parenthood on his part. You will likely become a single mother at some point and then things will become quite complicated for you and a child. We have every kind of complex family issues in the United States, the land of immigrants and free thought, but in my opinion, you and your mate should thoroughly discuss your proposal and all it's implications - including what it may entail in South Africa.
A
female
reader, MichelleH +, writes (22 January 2009):
MichelleH is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband and I have not raised the subject again of me taking a lover due to his problem, however he did invite his brother over to our house for dinner and his brother did flirt abit with me.I seemed to get the feeling my husband had planned everything.After dinner my husband went to bed and while I was cleaning in the kitchen his brother came up behind putting his arms around and nuzzling my neck with his lips and kissing me saying that he wanted me. Please understand this is extremely difficult as I am desprate for sex, love and warmth, not to mention a mans loving touch. We did however kiss in the kitchen and he did touch me, but no further.....what the hell do I do. My husband is not interested in hugging in bed because of his problem.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 December 2008):
 I agree with Uncle Phil, and I quote him: "58 is far too old to start playing daddy". I just would like to add that maybe it's not only his age that comes into play here.
It is not nice to see that you're getting older and you're losing abilities you once gave for granted. It must be very difficult to know that you can no longer sustain an erection, and maybe it's even harder when you know that you have a young wife who will need sex.
I was inclined to say that he might just want to feel potent again. But that is not the case, I guess.
I think your husband might be trying to give you what he knows you will want, but in a discrete manner. Something like giving in to anything he can't do anymore, as long as you stay with him.
If this is the case, I would understand his reasons, but I would still feel it would be wrong. It feels like what we call "the golden cage": it might be very nice, but it is still a cage.
I'm sure you love your husband. But I don't think these desperate measures would really work. Maybe what he needs to do is give you the chance to leave him, if that is what needs to be done. And it wouldn't be selfish of you not to stay with him.
What I'm saying is that I would let you go.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 December 2008):
 I hope every person that says age gaps don't matter reads this post. I often caution young women about the things they may be forced to give up if they marry a man who is a lot older than they. Children may be one of those things, and a active sex life as well. Come on let's face it, if you didn't foresee some of this before you said your vows then you were sadly misguided. You are married for better and for worse, sickness or in health. Nowhere does it say that if your husband gets prostate cancer you may take a lover. You put off having kids, so live with it. Just enjoy the love you share and the time you have together.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (11 December 2008):
Considering your explanation about the unfortunate reason for your husband's inability, I tend to agree with "Uncle Phil" for the most part, but on the other hand, you should not be denied the opportunity of motherhood at your age. Nor should you live a sexless life, in my opinion, if all agree with the circumstances. The situation is less than ideal, but not unheard of in a world where the perfect family situation often is not the case for many reasons such as accidental death, divorce, infidelity, ad infinitum.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Well, that sheds a whole different light on it. I wish you'd have mentioned that in your original post.
Personally, I think 58 is far too old to start playing daddy, although several prominent men have done it. I can't help feeling that you must have realised that the big age difference between you would throw up future problems. If you think things through here, if you got pregnant tomorrow there's a good chance that he or she would be fatherless by the age of 20. I'm 60 now and my dad is 86, and I can't possibly imagine what life would have been like for me if I'd lost him at such a young age.
Have you considered that your husband might be suggesting his brother be a 'sperm donor' in the hope that you would reject the idea? How does his brother feel about this? If I were him I think I'd be worried about having a paternity suit filed against me and spend the rest of my life paying for it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Before you do anything I would talk it through with your husband again. If he's OK with you doing this then that's fine but doing it with his brother is a bit personal. Also by doing it with a lover there are a lot of risks - how do you know they don't have an STI? I think in which case maybe seeing a sperm donor could be a good idea. See where your nearest one is and book an appointment =]
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A
female
reader, MichelleH +, writes (11 December 2008):
MichelleH is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband had Prostate cancer and had it removed.We always wanted kids but kept on putting it off for what ever reason.My husband is 58 years of age and has said to me he loves me dearly as I do him but his sexual desires have demished. He is ok if I take a lover, but has just aked me to be discrete. Michelle
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): ED is curable, and unless he's had a very serious injury to cause it, there's absolutely no reason why he shouldn't father his own child. Get him to the doctor for a check-up and explain the problem. Help is out there but you have to ask for it.
From a psychological point of view he might be a reluctant father which frightens him into remaining flaccid. Is your husband as desperate for a child as you are? Is fatherhood something that he feels he might be forced into?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): No way! There are lots of ways to solve this problem but sleeping with his brother isn't one of them! Sex is supposed to be a loving experience and even though there is no love involved in that way, it could be classed as cheating. It would also be unfair on his brother as it would be using him. Your options are:
IVF treatment (where your egg is fertilised with your husband's sperm outside of the womb by doctors and then inserted back into you for the pregnancy)
Sperm Donor (you go to a sperm bank and are inserted with the sperm of an anonymous donor)
Adoption (I'm sure you already know what that is!)
If his problem is ED then it should still be possible for him to create sperm even if he can't ejaculate it! So as it is the only way for the child to be biologically both yours AND his, I think IVF would be your best option =]
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