A
female
age
36-40,
*eQuiero316
writes:Im recently in the military and I have been with my husband for almost three years. We have one child (1 year 5 months) and I am currently pregnant. Me and my husband just recently got married in April when he came home for R and R. He is currently in Iraq. We have had problems on and off with our relationship. Last time I was pregnant, he left me at 9 months and had sex with another female. We than tried to work things out. Well, when he first went to Iraq everything was good, we were starting to trust eachother and I was starting to be happy. Then, when we went on leave, his family started to blame me for not seeing him alot. He made the choice not to see them as much cause he wanted time with me and his daughter. We saw his mom's family and his mom hung out with us. But his dad, we only saw once. But we also were only on leave for 18 days, and half that time we were at disney. When we came back his dad made excuses and didnt call. But his dad likes to manipulate his mind and that is one reason his mother left his dad. And the bad thing is, my husband will believe and make stupid decisions. Im not gonna kiss his dad's ass so he wont screw up our marriage. We talked about getting pregnant and 2 weeks later we found out by a blood test at the hospital I was. We ended up getting food poisoning. Before I went to Miami to see him, I was at home for 2 weeks in NM with my mother and Garndmother. And i didnt see anyone. I knew I was gonna be ovulating when I saw him. It just makes me mad he doesnt trust me cause of what his dad. When he had left, we were on good terms even tho our leave wasnt that good. We were crying at the airport, he was playing with Adrianna and we were laughing and we were happy. When he went back to Iraq, a female (Bonilla) that he usually tells everything was there and told him she was also having problems. She then said that she couldnt get pregnant by her boyfriend in Puerto Rico and asked my husband to give her a baby. She knew that his dad's family didnt get along with me and were mad at me and she knew I mean everything. So why would she ask my husband for a kid? She shoulda though of our daughter and left him alone. But I guess she is that cold hearted. When he first got to Iraq, everyting was good till his dad talked to him on the phone. He dad was telling him this child cant be his and that I was a bitch for keeping his son away from him. But I had asked his son on leave to call his dad and ask if he would meet us somewhere and he said no. He was even his dad's birthday when we were there and I was the one who ended up buying the present cause my husband forgot. Well his dad was talking very bad about me a week after he got to Iraq. So my husband wrote me a rude letter saying that he is unhappy and I was rude to him and he didnt deserve that. Well, he ended up sleeping with that female and got her pregnant. I didnt know for awhile. Well, when she came back from Iraq because of pregnancy, I didnt know why, but my gut was thinking " What if that is my husbands". But it didnt come up and no one told me so it really didnt hit me. Also, this female is BI. Well, I heard from a friend that he was cheating downrange, so I thought since that female, (Bonilla) was downrange, maybe she would tell me. The first thing she said when I approached her was " Dont ask about the baby". I didnt know why she told me that at first but I just said ok. I asked her and she said no. So that night when my husband came online, I had asked him and he said there was a rumor about him and Bonilla, but it wasnt true. I than brought up the past cause I know when he gets mad, he spills the beans. So he than hung up on me. Then 30 seconds later, he called back and said the rumors are true, but half arent. So I asked what he meant. He said she asked for a child and he gave her one. But he had masturbated and then she put it inside her. I knew he had to be lying about that part. So I asked him if that was really his kid and he said yes. I told him " Are you that stupid" So then I told him Im gonna go talk to her and than I hung up on him. I went to go talk to her and at first she said it wasnt his. Then she said that he is the donor, but not the father. It didnt make sense. Then she said that it isnt his, then she showed me a picture of a guy on the computer. So me and my husband were fighting alot and he would barely call or go online to talk to me. He would tell me he cant tell me on line or on the phone the truth because he can get into trouble. I told him I had the right to know. He than said I influenced him to do it becuase I made him mad on leave. I told him I wouldnt influence anyone to have sex with my husband and something that can ruin my family. I told him that he should have at least thought of our daughter Adrianna when he was doing that. That he had many chances to say no in between taking his clothes off, to not wearing a condom, to having sex with her, to making a child. When we were on leave, he pulled out the first time we had sex. But then we decided to try so he wouldnt pull out anymore. What hurt me is he wasnt scared to pull out on her. It kills me everyday and I ended up going to the hospital cause I couldnt eat or drink anything for a week, I couldnt sleep. I was dizzy. Well, he tells me that he isnt supposed to have anything to do with the kid and that he still wants to try with this marriage. I told him he has to get tested before he comes to me for this child inside me. Well, the military found out and are not doing anything about it. My husband lies also to cover himself and her cause you can lose your rank, money, go to jail, and be dishonorably discharged from the military. If you are dishonorably discharged, you will never get a good job as a civilian. I told him that just makes me look stupid standing there by myself telling the truth. That I will also look stupid if I keep him and the way people will look at me. He says he is sorry that she doesnt mean anything and he doesnt care enough about the child she is carrying enough to lose his family. It hurts me cause I had something no one else had. I was the mother of his children and we wanted three together. Well, now Im not the only one and he already is at three. I really love this guy and I dont know what to do. I know when he comes back and see's her pregnant he will start thinking things. But supposedly the guy in Puerto Rico is supposed to take care of the child or some other girl if she is seeing a girl. But the thing is, she knew about us. She knew we were married, I used to talk to her as a friend. She has seen Adrianna. I just hate that she disrespected me and my family and went and asked my husband for a child. My husband, my man. Sometimes I wish it was a dream and I will wake up. But I know it isnt and I just wish my family wasnt ruined. All he had was 4 more months left till he was home. Now he only has two. He is afraid to come home cause he is afraid how I will react. Then when she has the baby and brings it around, what about our children? What about our daughter that he has missed 15 months with? Then I will feel like working on the marriage wont work. I feel I will be ok if he has nothing to do with that child at all. He said he might have to pay child support one day if she needs it. But the thing is, she asked for him to donate. I dont want money coming outta my family finances for a choice he made with out me. So should I leave or stay. Cause if he has to pay child support, that means there has to be a DNA test, then means I have proof to get her for adultery. I dont want him to see that kid or anything and I know that sounds bad. But to see the kid will hurt me. I just fear alot for this family and for this marriage that something might happen again. Or maybe we might be happy, maybe not. I dont know. If anyone has been in this situation, please let me know what you did and how you felt. If you have any advice, anyone, I would really apreciatte it. Also when, I told my husband if I leave, he said he will try to go close to wherever I went so he can be around the kids and to try and get back with me. Im afraid if I stay,when its time for me to leave on orders, he will be here with her and try something or see the kid or I dont know. And it scares me. I told him he needs to find a way to have all of us leave Germany cause all we have had is problems here. Also, when she got back from Iraq in June, she started saying that I was harrassing her when I wasnt and he told her that he was gonna curse me out. But her never did. I told him if we are ginna work it out, I dont want him calling no one besides me, his mom, his dad, and brothers, and grandparents and etc. He siad he will try. I said no you will. He said he feels like he is going crazy out there and cant imagine life without me. But how could he have done this to me. Why? I aks why all the time. He also told me he doesnt wear his wedding wing anymore, but that was 3 days ago. Yesterday he told me he wanted to try and work things out. So I really dont know what to think. Will I ever get over it if he never see's child, or will I not. What if she brings the kid into his life, after all that working fixing it, how will I feel. What if I leave him, will I truely be happy or want him. Should I tell her to leave our family alone or no. But also a reminder, we were working on the relationship when he first left to Iraq and Adrianna was 4 months. We were doing good till he went back from R and R. So is the marriage repairable, or no. What do I do. How should I think? What do I tell him to work on? How should I be with him for these two months and when he gets back from Iraq. What should I do about everything? When I look at my daughter, I get so sad. I also feel this child inside me means nothing to him. When I was pregnant with Adrianna, he never rubbe dmy stomache or anything. He was to busy cheating. He never bought anything for her until she was 2 month, I had bought all the diapers and everything. Well, I thought with this kid, it would be different. I thought he would rub my stomache, kiss it. Then I find out all the bad news. Now I get so angry and I barely spend time with my daughter, I try to spend time with her, but I start thinking so much and get caught up. I get angry at her so easily to and I feel bad. She is my world and I dont want her to be part of my madness. She never did anything wrong. I could go on forever about me and my husband and my questions. I call his mom everyday cause i try not to go crazy. Me and his mother are really close. His mother doesnt like the fact of what he did and doesnt like Bonilla. She said she wont claim that child as her grandchild till there is a DNA test. And she thinks her son did a stupid decision. His granmother prays to him on the phone. He told me yesterday he has been praying but he doesnt hear anything. That he is scared. The thing that is weird, I orayed when I was in Highschool for a cuban or puerto rican that was from Miami and my husband is half and half and is from Miami. I also prayed that if I have a boy, that it should be a sign God put this marriage together. So what should I do if Its a boy, stay or should I leave cause I dont deserve it and neither do my kids? I grew up in songlehousehold so I know I can do it, but I also love this man. So what should I really do? What should I do for this marriage?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Kimmyco +, writes (13 May 2009):
Hi,
I can kind of relate. But if you love him as much as you say then everything will work itself out. It isn't going to be easy it is going to be hard but if there is love in your heart then things will be fine. But there has to be love and understanding from both sides. Hope all is well.
A
female
reader, earthchick430 +, writes (14 August 2008):
You should definitely leave him. I know you love him deeply and may feel no other man will love you but if he has made stupid decisions before, he knows you'll continue to put up with it and he'll find craftier ways of getting away with stuff.
If you take him back, you should demand an std test.
He's set a horrible example for your children. He's hurt you and them and the pain you're suffering, well I am sure your unborn baby may be affected in some way.
You deserve happiness. Not the agony or false pretense he seems to present to you. I know it's hard to leave someone you love but you shouldn't punish yourself or your children with all the stress. And the grandfather treating you like crap, you don't deserve that. I am sure his mother would understand if you left. You could still be close to her and she will always be a part of your family no matter what sweetie.
Take care of yourself and make the best decision for yourself and your children. Marriage is a commitment yes and vows are important but he broke his to you and to his children. You shouldn't live in agony, worry & stress everyday. Please take care of yourself, hold your head up, focus on your children and know that you are a beautiful human being worthy of love, happiness, warmth, kindness, loyalty and all the good things life has to offer. ^-^
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Your husband is a liar. He is tying to blame Bonilla of needing his sperm to conieve.He's just saying that because he knows what he did was WRONG.THIS WAS CONSENSUAL BETWEEN BOTH PARTIES!!! Remember that.What are the odds of getting pregnant after having sex only one or twice.They've been getting it on for a while. COme on girl who does or says that. I think your husband has cheated on you before. However, this time he got caught.Once a cheater always a cheater.Your husband will say sh*t, because he knows you are hurting and this will comfort you. He's only behaving like this because he's no longer in control of the situation therefore, will try to hold on 2 you. ..........If you decide to stay you may have to leave him first. MakE him believe its over for good.This may change him to becomING a better father or this may lead him back INTO Bonilla arms.Either way he will see her....They also have a kid together.But hopefully a wake up call for change. However, i don't believe he will change.......Sorry!!!!
Ps: U can not allow a man to stop seeing his kid. Child do not ask to be brought into this world. This child is just as important as your daughter. Your a coward if you disallow your husband to see his kid. This child also needs the love and care of his/her parents.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): It only takes sex once to make a child. Obviously this man does not have his facts straight is hiding it.Do not be afraid that no one will ever love you and that he is the only one for you. It's not true that there is only one person out there for you, if he was the "one" for you then he would think the same about you. He certainly would have asked you permission as well if you thought "giving this woman a child would be okay or not with you".Be brave. Be strong.
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A
female
reader, TeQuiero316 +, writes (8 July 2008):
TeQuiero316 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I talked to my husband today, and come to find out, it was twice he slept with her. He told me over the internet. When I told him to call her about the child support and of she does a DNA test for it, I would try to get them both for Adultery. I know I wont do that, I just want to scare her so she will leave my family alone. Well, I dont know if he called her cause he said he would call me back before work to let me know what was up, and he still hasnt called. Its that time for him to go to work too. He tells me he loves me, but to leave. That I shouldnt talk like this. I was especially mad when he told me he slept with her twice. He knew what he was doing than and didnt think of his family, especialy our daughter or unborn baby. I tell him we need to work and things to help us and for the kids sake, but all he says its just for me and him. Well, the kids are the family, not just me and him. My daughter is already affected by this. The daycare told me today they see it and they are concerned. I also talked to a councelor and he said if I was his daughter, her would tell me to leave. But he said he has also had couples work it out, its just how hard he shows me cause he hasnt shown good at all. But he isnt showing it now. Its like whatever, I love you and want you, but lets not talk about what I did. What do I do?
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A
female
reader, wisdomwoman +, writes (8 July 2008):
Your husband made an extremely poor decision, that he certainly was capable of knowing would make you very distressed. You say he has left you before, and he "makes stupid decisions". It seems obvious that you have fallen in love with someone who doesn't have much compassion or concern for you. You have a lovely daughter, and one on the way. Take some time off of wondering whether you should or shouldn't be with him. Relax your mind from the subject. Focus all your attention on the love you have for your daughter, and the love you have for your baby. If you have a boy, it is a gift from God, but it is not a sign to "stay with this man." You deserve to be loved, honored and cherished. Your love for him is wonderful, but don't count on a change in him. He is exactly what you see in his actions. If you want to live with that, and Love him as he is, then you will find a way to accept what he has done, and live with it. You can change your mind at any time. You are in charge of You. You are not stuck with him ... Ever. You can Always walk away. There are millions of men out there who can love you, and care for you and your daughter. There is always hope. Hang in there and find everything you can to calm down, find some peace, and Love the family that is right there with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Vow, what a difficult situation; what a mess;
You have a child to take care of and you are pregnant; you have to think of yourself and your two children; all the emtional turmoil is not good for you or the pregnancy;
I will leave this guy; marriage or not; he will have to pay you child support for your kids; you will never be able to trust this guy;
You and your kids deserve better; give your children a stable home; that does not sound possible with this guy;
MOVE ON; think about your health, and your little ones;
Yes, it will be difficult and yes, it will hurt; but it will get better; however, staying with him, you will be hurt all the time;
I suggest if you can, contact a counsellor, let them help you through this, you really need to talk somebody that can give you perspective and that can assist you with the emotional trauma you have been through; If you don't know of a counsellor ask your doctor to reccommend somebody;
Try and stay calm, for your little one, but also very much so for the unborn baby;
Take good care of yourself and your health;
Be strong; best wishes
Please keep us posted.
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A
male
reader, wildman +, writes (7 July 2008):
 I would dump him and pick up the pieces and move on. You deserve better all the way around. good luck
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