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My husband doesn't want to have sex anymore, is it time to move on?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Faded love, Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 May 2008) 12 Answers - (Newest, 7 April 2010)
A female Bahamas age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I thought this was the perfect man for me. we were so in love when we got married. We made love several times a day. We loved to hang out together, talk for hours. We have not made love in a very long time.. almost a year. I constantly asked him what was wrong,

why dont we make love. He never gives me a definate answer, well by now I am angry and hatefull. I beg him to talk to me again and again. He says he loves me. That we have been through some tough times and are no longer able to talk. I honestly do not believe he will ever sit down and discuss what is really going on. I do not want to be in a marraige WITH NO SEX!!!!!!!!!!! I would never cheat on him, but I don't think I can do it anymore! is it time to move on?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010):

Often when sex slows at this age, women assume that it's about them - but it could be erectile dysfunction (ED). Talk, delicately, with your husband about whether there could be a medical issue at play here. It's a natural part of aging for many men - not the fault of either of you - and can often be treated. It's a delicate subject, which may be why he isn't comfortable talking about it. But there are solutions, but talking to a doctor is a good possible first step - certainly worth bringing up before you consider ending the relationship!!!

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A female reader, aloneinbed Guam +, writes (19 December 2008):

aloneinbed agony auntMe and my husband have been married almost two years and already have had sex issues only half way through. We have a wonderful marriage but a crappy sex life. I have chosen to stay in this marriage because I love him dearly and I'm 5 months pregnant. If I wasn't pregnant I would have left by now because no matter how much I love him I feel as if he doesn't want me sexually then he doesn't want me at all.

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A male reader, JoJoman Canada +, writes (19 August 2008):

The answer to your question depends on whether you have small children or not. If you do, it is not their fault your sex life is rotten. To break up a family so you can have sex is the height of selfishness. If you need sex find a buddy with benefits or have an affair, but keep it together until the kids are 18.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008):

HI. My husband and I have been married for 30 years. For the last 8 years our sex life sucks. We both have suffered thri some tough things with one of our teenaged daughters, who is now almost thirty. I suffer from depression, not devastatingly, but definitely there. I think he also has a mild case of depression. We have both been in to see a psychologist, and me a psychiatrist for medicine. He lies at counseling, which ended the sessions for me, what's the point, if your not going to be honest? He knows I want sex, and the closeness we used to share. He says he is getting older (he's 54) and at that age men don't want it as often. I don't believe this. I may believe slow down, but not stop completely. I do not want to live in a sexless marriage. I need it. I've tried patiently talking to him, tried getting made, tried leaving, or to separate, nothing helps. I usually break down and cry by the end of any weekend, waiting for sex to happen and it never does and it seems it never will. After 30 years of marriage, it stinks that this has to happen. I love him, am comfortable with him, he is a good man. But this is a major thing to me. What the heck do I do?

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A female reader, Nutnik United States +, writes (26 May 2008):

Hi, I have been married for almost 20 years. When we dated and firt got married our sex life was amazing. He was affectionate and loving things couldn't have been better. After three years it was like someone flipped a switch. He stopped initiating sex and made excuses if I tried to initiate sex. He was tired, it was something at work, just not in the mood right now. He insisted he still loved me. The sex became less and less frequent and he insisted it didn't bother him, he says he is happy. I have stayed because we have two children, but let me tell you it is a life of HELL! The frustration, lonliness, anger, damage to my self esteem, isolation, regrets.....I could go on and on. I have given this man my 20's and my 30's, the best years of my life I have lived WITHOUT sex, love and affection. Hugging and kissing soon stops because he is afraid that I will want it to lead to sex. Trust me, if isn't loving you the way you need and want, don't throw away the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy and things are not going to get better they are only going to get worse. Good luck, be brave you have a right to be happy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008):

Hi, I really dont think he is cheating if he was you would have more issues than just no sex, he would be lying to cover up all kinds of things, I am 27 years old and so is my husband and we have had the no sex issue several times in our relationship and its not your fault and it may not be his, stress can definantly cause a man to not be able to preform and if your issues are financial that also makes him feel like less of a man and he is suppossed to be the provider, the rock the MAN you know so maybe he doesn;t feel like the MAN and that really hurts where it counts..try to write him a note and tell him how u feel or an email Men have issues telling us that they aren't feeling so Studly thats just there ego so give him the option of responding in writting, if that doesnt work suggest some counsling for the issues that may be the root of the problum, if that doesn't help then maybe its best to move on you can only do your part and maybe he will realize what he had when it;s gome my husband and I split up for 8 months an our relationship has never been better because we know what its like apart...just some suggestions..good luck, happy in SC

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (12 May 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntHe did not meet your conjugal rights as a spouse and legally ,

you have a right to seek a divorce.

Tell him that you want a divorce and see how he reacts?

If he shows indifference, then pack your bags and leave or

lock him out of your house, whichever applies.

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A female reader, Twirly United Kingdom +, writes (11 May 2008):

Twirly agony auntIt sounds like you're at the end of your tether with this and I don't blame you.

All I can advise is to make one more really big attempt to let him know that he needs to sort this out or risk losing you.

If he refuses to talk about it then perhaps you could write your feelings out on a piece of paper and give it to him?

He isn't facing up to the situation and he needs to! If he won't then yes, I think you should move on.

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A female reader, vjmichigan United States +, writes (11 May 2008):

sounds like you did everything you can----maybe he is having an affair?

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A female reader, BigSis United Kingdom +, writes (11 May 2008):

BigSis agony auntI totally understand where you're coming from here, and I'm sorry for you.

You said that you honestly don't believe he'll discuss what's really going on, so why don't you offer him the choice?

Either he starts paying more attention to you and starts being more considerate towards your needs, or you walk out of the marriage, and find someone who'll be more attentive to you.

If he says he still loves you, then tell him to prove it by taking the time and making the effort to communicate with you more. Then see what his reaction is.

Take care and good luck.



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A female reader, bemused Canada +, writes (11 May 2008):

bemused agony auntHi hun

You do not state the duration of your marriage. A decline after one or two years is different from a decline of say...twenty years.

You also mention tough times but do not indicate what they are/were and the duration of them. Is this your first marriage? Do you have kids and are they the source of some of your conflict?

His dimished sex drive could be due to a diminished libido which could be related to depression. It could be that he is a sad guy. The other option (sorry) is that he may have eyes for someone else. I do think with the second option you would probably have a sense of it though with changes in his behaviour, schedules.

What comes accross in your post is that you love and respect him and those feelings are real but you are candid about being unable to live in a marriage without sex.

If he is depressed than he is probably in a deep well of sadness and may not be able to extend himself enough emotionally to consider your needs. He is not being like this because he does not love or care about you...he just does not have the emotional resources to give you what you need if he is in that much pain. It sounds cliched but now is the time for you to encourage him to seek help. It could be life saving.

What you want back is the man you knew at the onset of your relationship. Relationships change, ebb and flow over the years. The one non negotiable is a sexual relationship with your husband. Your love, although it sounds genuine may not extend to living in a sexless marriage.

My other thought...that there may be someone else is again something you could sense and that is a whole different ball game but I really do not know based on the info you give here.

I wish you luck hun and keep us posted.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (11 May 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntYou have tried your best and what is there in this marriage for you ?

Maybe, when you want to leave, he may change or tell you the reasons .

You have a right to leave him with no regrets.

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